New Prisons Programme

A few months ago I wrote a nomination regarding new “smart prison” – HMP Five Wells, which to my mind is nothing more than a hugely expensive hotel!

Well now it seems Five Wells is just part of a New Prisons Programme whereby a further 5 smart prisons are to be built at locations across the UK.

The latest one will cost £400m (probably £700m in reality) and will be built in East Yorkshire, with a “grand opening” in mid 2025.

The hotel… sorry, prison will have:- unprecedented array of workshops and classrooms, so prisoners spend their time behind bars learning new skills to find work on release.

It will also be the first new prison to operate as zero-carbon in the future, with an all-electric design, solar panels, heat pumps and more efficient lighting systems to reduce energy demand significantly.

The construction will create hundreds of jobs including:-

… at least 50 roles earmarked for ex-offenders – giving them the opportunity to rebuild their lives, gain new skills and get back on the straight and narrow.

It will be interesting if this progressive attitude towards imprisonment, punishment and rehabilitation actually produces the results they anticipate. But quite honestly it does make me wonder why honest citizens always have to struggle to keep up with the cost of living and energy crisis while prisoners can enjoy a few months/years behind “bars” (which probably won’t exist at these places) knowing that they’ll get 3 meals a day, a nice warm dorm (no longer called a cell), internet access, courses, crafts and jobs.

Add to that those lucky old dinghy riders who have done nothing for the country but instead will be invited to stay at another type of hotel, this time 4* ones – one star below these “smart prisons”

If you can’t pay your electric or gas bills over winter simply default, plead guilty and hope you end up in one of these places for a couple of years!

Who said crime doesn’t pay?

Construction Enquirer News Link

Nominated by : Technocunt


41 thoughts on “New Prisons Programme

  1. To be honest, this sort of thing doesn’t bother me; not everyone judged a criminal by the state deserves to be thrown in a cold cell with bars over the windows.

    Think of all the poor cunts who are being arrested and threatened for all sorts of petty nonsense such as non-payment of the telly tax, energy bill, using hurtful words and causing anxiety to transmentals.

    I looks that cushy it almost incentivises people to commit minor crimes, although given our warped justice system i’m sure it will be reserved for child rapists and Urban street butchers. Perhaps ‘Rapey Wayne’ can get a room there?

    • If this is in East Yorkshire, then I’ve no doubt that the Bradford minor attracted grooming gangs will be spending their six months, (three months for good behaviour), sentences in this hotel.
      That’s if anyone ever gets a conviction. It’s racist to take Pakis to court, regardless of the evidence stacked against them.

  2. Yeah more taxpayers money for the sc*mbags, the immos and other thieving trash who want to come here to thieve, p*nce and rape. Don’t ask us, we’re just the muggy cunts who pay for it. I take it these new so called prisons have a purpose built mosque?

  3. All a waste of time this woke ‘rehab’ to rejoin society bollocks. In reality:

    “Ok, we need you to complete this criminal records check…”


    Yes, funnily enough if I’d got someone in charge of multi million accounts or even just the day’s takings, I’d want to know if they’d been doing any nicking.

    Cold stone cells with a bucket to shit in and crap food.

    They haven’t thought this through (stupid woke cunts). What sort of deterrent is a ‘prison’ that’s like a hotel?

  4. To save save water. We are using bath water to flush our bowel movements & urine away. I bet they will not be doing the same.

  5. What kind of cunts are they going to put in this place? It won’t be burglars, muggers or violent criminals because the police spend all their time looking for ‘hate speech’ on social media and don’t bother turning up if you’re house has been robbed.

    Instead of building luxury prisons why not staff the existing prisons properly?

    Maybe we will embrace the US model of prisons for profits.

    • Get the cunts in pink pjs and on a chain gang picking shit of the side of the roads 18 hours a day.

  6. It’s my retirement plan. Get to the point i want to retire, spend all my money, do a post office, get caught and put up in one these. Better than shelling out a fortune on care home fees.

  7. My idea of a new prisons programme would be to build a good old fashioned dungeon.
    £400,000,000 would build enough to house all wrongdoers, so vandals and fly tippers will no longer be let off the hook.
    It would soon act as a deterrent.

      • Afternoon DoC, would you care to define “drugs” as it’s rather a broad spectrum…if, for example, someone breaks the law by consuming magic mushrooms or smokes a joint, then they are automatically as condemned as a rapist or a murderer?!

      • The rope for everything from littering to child sex offences.

        Including wearing red jeans, walking ‘funny’,
        And smoking cigarettes in a camp style.

        Oh an streaked hair.

      • Jesus, I’d be fucked if you were the Grand Inquisitor, MNC!
        I went to a bbq the other dressed in pink trousers, a floral shirt and the moustache like Lord Kitchener…

      • Thomas@

        Youd get a pass ticket due to natural british eccentricity.

        You arent doing it out of malicious duckiness.

        Your spared the rope but think on in future😃

      • Electric chair for honkies talking like dark keys from Jamaica.

        Firing squad for bringing kids into a pub or restaurant.

        Guillotine for those and their entire families who speed, cut in and then instantly slow to turn left.

        ‘Diverse’ types who don’t use deodorant at work drowned in bleach.

      • Afternoon Thomas, allow me to elaborate.
        Drugs as in the bastards dealing heroin and crack cocaine, who not only break the law, but cause other addicts to break the law to fund their habit.
        I used to know two people who died after getting hooked and overdosing. To the best of my knowledge, the suppliers were never prosecuted.

  8. Come on now, would we really feel at home in a room like this? The furniture looks really cheap and tacky and I doubt that the tv has Sky. Plus the fact that staff can walk in on you any time they like. Where’s the privacy? And the bed, or should I say bunk, hardly looks adequate for a refreshing night’s sleep. What this government needs to do is increase taxes and increase public spending so that new prisons can be built which provide an acceptable level of comfort.

  9. Make prisons a place you don’t want to go. No luxuries, 12 hour shifts working a fucking great treadmill generating electricity for the national grid. The only ones to get any freebies are the druggies. They can have a dustbin full of Smack Wizz Spice or anything the useless cunts want. Only trouble is, you overdose tough shit, no medical intervention. Young attracted cunts? Bullet in the back of the head. Sorted.

  10. A less expensive way of creating some space for twatter offenders would be to guillotine P.does,terrorists,rapists and other assorted rubbish.

    The excellent government think tankers would then have lots of money to look after all the new arrivals from the Channel.

    The fucking cunts.

  11. Fuck Me Readers! Looking at the picture in the Nom, HMP must be working in partnership with Travelodge because that *hotel room* Cell looks identical to the room I stayed in at Travelodge Cheshunt just off the A10 last week.

    I’d probably be safer in the prison version than the mini Bosnia 2* star hotel that is Travelodge Cheshunt!

  12. The lefties have been screaming for years that prisons breed criminality, which is pretty fucking obvious, as they’re full of criminals. Their answer is more soft attempts at rehabilitation, but many of these criminals are beyond it.
    If an inmate is genuinely keeping his head down and wants to change, fine. But it doesn’t require hundreds of millions of pounds of our money.
    Once upon a time, prison authorities had a reliable list of employers who were gracious enough to take inmates on day release. Free labour in return for free training. But now it sounds like they want to build their own training centres with bright and breezy accommodation and all the little luxuries that go with it.
    It’ll be a waste of money. But it’s only tax payers money, so why should they give a shit.

  13. A Chinese style prison would have been preferable, along with mobile execution bus, after all they are now our masters!!!

  14. Should be more like Slade Prison. Grey gloss painted brick walls, concrete floors, steel bunk beds. Nice and cramped.

  15. Dungeons, chain gangs and hard labour…. any empty cells get filled by the coppers with the lowest arrest and conviction numbers.

  16. Think of poor Oscar Wilde who was sentenced to two years Hard Labour.

    Here he is in the prison yard-

    ‘I never saw a man who looked
    With such a wistful eye
    Upon that little tent of blue
    Which prisoners call the sky,
    And at every drifting cloud that went
    With sails of silver by.’

    ‘I walked, with other souls in pain,
    Within another ring,
    And was wondering if the man had done
    A great or little thing,
    When a voice behind me whispered low,
    “That fellow’s got to swing.”‘

    That you it must stir in you Cunters some compassion for our modern day lags.

    I know it does me.

      • And what about Tge Birdman of Alcatraz? He found a little sparrow and trained it.
        And it flew away.
        But then it came back. He couldnt make it in the world ‘the little runt’.
        And he stayed.
        And the Robert Stroud became an expert on birds and birds’ diseases.

        I mean how can you not be moved by that?

      • Oscar Wilde?
        He outraged the public Miles.

        I found him writing poetry in the prison yard id give him a extra 10month on his sentence.

    • Personally, I’m more ‘stirred’ about the cunt’s victims, Miles. They have my sympathy rather than the usual recidivists that perpetrate the crimes.

      Every cunt in prison’s a volunteer.

  17. ‘I walked, with other souls in pain,
    Within another ring,
    Was he getting it regularly up the ringpiece?

  18. IMHO there needs to be a regrading of prisoner classifications.

    Cat A – lock up, throw away key. Better still, in the machine.

    Cat B – watch it sonny, or you’ll be shipped to Cat A. Behave nicely, ship to Cat C

    Cat C – relatively minor offenders, kept the fck away from Cat A and B prisoners.

    All prisoners to serve full term to which they are sentenced. Reductions can be earned by gaining meaningful qualifications, learning useful skills such as carpentry, plumbing, brickie, etc. Failure to meaningfully engage in rehabilitation programmes attracts more time, at the discretion of the Governor, to a set limit, for recidivism.

    Scrap community service, suspended sentences, probation for parolees only.

    Absolute basket cases shipped to the Falklands.

    Other side of the coin – stop imprisoning people for thinking, saying or writing things, disagreeing with the Government, not paying TV tax, not paying council tax, etc.

  19. Given the current (hidden) crisis in the Prison Service, they won’t be able to recruit and retain the staff to run the fucking place anyway! They lowered the recruitment age from 21 to 18 and, now wonder why they’re fucking off after a few weeks!

    This is just another massive waste of the taxpayers money and more appeasement by and, for, the scum of the earth. For the con’s, being a freeloading, entitled cunt is a lifestyle choice, they don’t want to work, just sit about smoking gear, bullying the weaker con’s and, nicking anything that’s not bolted down.

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