Cutlery Etiquette (2)

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I love going out for a meal, especially because I do cook for myself, and make just as much effort as I would if I had folks coming round to cook for.

I really enjoy being cooked for, it’s a day off, so I really embrace the opportunity.
Usually, my gripes are aimed at the staff, the food, or little niggles such as facilities.

There is one thing that can piss all those into oblivion, and that is seeing other diners eating holding their knives like fucking pens, especially if accompanied by holding their forks with tines facing up. I’m no snob, however, that kind of fuckwittery can evoke superheated steam to plume out of my lugholes.

How the fuck can a knife have any impact on any food that needs cutting when held so limp wristedly. Moreover, how did this disgraceful behaviour start? Admittedly it’s usually wimminz doing it, but sometimes it’s men, which boils piss even more.

Give the cunts a little dishy full of pre cut food, and a fucking spoon the retarded imbeciles.

Nominated: Cuntington Smythe

80 thoughts on “Cutlery Etiquette (2)”

  1. I heartily agree with the knife thing,are they going to cut a signature into that bacon?
    Use it properly or you’re getting a spoon,pusher and a plastic Tommee Tippee bib.
    Common fuckers.
    Good day.

    • My lad holds the knife like an amputation saw, he tries to saw through the fucking plate…..

  2. Dont think Ive ever noticed the other diners cutlery methods when eating out?

    Im usually busy using my cutlery as drumsticks on the condiments.

    I take my own straw to get the last bits of gravy.

  3. I wouldn’t let it bother you, in 5 years time we will all be eating soylent green..won’t need cutlery for that,already cut into bite sized chunks..

    • Or the cunts in the restaurant are from places where cutlery is a hand or stick

  4. In the States I don’t think diners know what to do with knives (other than for stabbing). You watbch films and TV programmes and they’re always using their fork to cut, slice and shovel big mouthfuls into their traps, while the knife just stays on the table probably thinking to itself “What the fuck am I doing here?”

    A clear case of cutlery discrimination

    Sharp Knives Matter

    • Au contraire, Techno.

      Yank standard operating procedure is:
      1. Hold down food item with a fork.
      2. Cut a piece off with the knife.
      3. Put knife down.
      4. Transfer fork to the other hand.
      5. Shovel in food item using fork.
      6. Transfer fork back to original hand.
      7. Pick up knife.
      8. Repeat.

      I have no idea why they do this.

      • Or use knife to cut all food up put it down eat with the fork, posh Yanks do know how to eat correctly with both utensils.

  5. I once watched with delight as some dreadful woman eschewed all cutlery and ate two king prawns…shell and all. I’d noticed her struggling with the cutlery and watched as she ditched it,,picked up the prawn and had at it with the finest set of teeth that the NHS could presumably provide…give her her dues,she wasn’t going to be beaten and I sat agog as splinters of prawn shell whistled through the air threatening to take an eye out of one of her fellow guests…she was magnificent…like Hound No.1 chewing a marrow-bone… I nudged my companions to the show and the woman had quite an audience by the time she was done, at which point I caught her eye and loudly asked if she had enjoyed the prawns…” Oh,Aye” she replied ” but they were a bit chewy”

    • PS…I hate seeing people holding their knife like a pen…or using my antique grape scissors to cut their toenails.

      • DF-F@ – Morning Sir Fiddler/all – where I live it is so sophisticated some of the diners wear jeans instead of tracksuit bottoms!
        And the “Laydees” dress up to go to Wetherspoons ‘cos it’s proper classy, init!
        I feel my level of sophistication is wasted..

      • Proper Class that @Vernon

        Perhaps they may prefer the car over the bin for a seeing too later as well?

    • Very true and I have seen it many times.

      Entire families sitting around a table looking at a plate of prawns and not even the parents have a clue what to do with them.

      The confusion is that the prawns are not the tiny things that you get in the cheap, UK supermarkets, peeled and arranged in a circle.

  6. We must live in vastly different worlds. For me eating is a necessity and I’m not comfortable eating in a room full of strangers.

    The facilities, the other patrons, other peoples kids, fat people stuffing food in their faces whilst talking shit and laughing at themselves.

    To top it all some cunt sitting there with a disapproving look because I don’t hold my fork to his liking?

    No thanks

    • Agree with a lot of this, 6DV.

      Eating out used to be a pleasure and a chance to try different cuisines and menus. Unfortunately, other people and their inconsiderate, disrespectful and anti-social behaviour have ruined the dining out experience. Yet another example of the decline in standards of civility. When we have a treat night, we always get take out now.

      People are such scum these days. Often accompanied by their feral offspring. Cunts.

    • There’s a good case for reprising those private eating booths in certain restaurants l reckon.I suspect it was an American thing but needs revisiting none the less.

  7. The majority of people are disgusting fat cunts, with zero table etiquette-a reason I avoid eating out* these days.

    Couple that with sweaty, unhygienic kitchen staff, plus the risks some foreign fucker has “flavoured” your meal…..

    *er’ indoors excluded😉

  8. What about chopsticks?
    I love stir frying fresh vegetables.
    Are ching-chong chopstick approved by IsAC?

    • I approve, C-G. It’s the challenge of using them that appeals to me. You’ve got to hand it to the Chînks; the dog-eaters still persist using the sticks long after the fork was invented.
      That’s determination.

    • CG@ Morning CG – Chopsticks?
      NO! (My Uncle Frank Doberman told me they are foreign!)
      “Great inventors” eating their dinner with fkin splinters that hold two grains of rice?
      Bah.

      • Their president is a rather pudgy little cunt, but then he would be…

        “Winnie the Pooh,
        Winnie the Pooh…”
        Etc…

    • I’ve used chopsticks since I was about 14, even for roast beef.

      No, I use them for a few oriental dishes. I was born a bit yellow. Neonatal jaundice.

  9. They’re usually the types that say things like “I was sat…” “I were sat..” “I was stood “ etc.

  10. I know the difference between a dessert spoon and a soup spoon.*

    Thats about it when it comes to cutlery.
    In a posh table setting theres fuckin loads of forks knives and spoons,
    Its confusing.

    Some places the meats that tough they should also lay out a handaxe and bow saw.

    Fuck all that shite I use what works the best.

    * Soup spoon is rounded.

    Miserables guide to etiquette®

  11. There is a whole generation that only know how to eat out of cardboard boxes using their hands.

    Put them in a restaurant with plates and cutlery and they don’t know where to start.

    Restaurants try to do their best.
    Often they will have pictures of the food so that tourists can simply point and grunt.

    • Theres some right little snobs about!

      I dont look at other diners
      1) I dont care about strangers
      2) theyve paid for it they can wipe their arse with it for all im concerned
      3) im not a nosey bastard.

      Where I eat , you occassionally get ‘celebs’ in eating .

      That Ben Fogle once or twice.
      If he stared at me eating id politely ask

      “What the fuck you looking at?”

      And if he continued with his impertinance id either stick my fork in his forehead or call the landlord and say hed sexually harrassed me.

      Eat your fuckin dinner and mind your own business.

      • Morning Ruff👍

        Quite right.
        Mr ODonnell has the right approach.

        Staring cunts are the bane of my life.
        Rude fuckers.

      • “And if he continued with his impertinance id either stick my fork in his forehead….”….I’m not sure that the plastic disposable cutlery provided at your “celebrity” haunt would really be much of a threat.

      • Morning Dick.
        Maybe? Although these slebs have soft skin!

        Maybe slap him round the chops with the dog lead then?!

        The nosey fuck.

      • PS…Nothing rude about staring at people who are out of their depth when it comes to the finer points of etiquette…I like to give a rather superior shake of the head when they catch my eye…I like to think that my obvious scorn will encourage them to “get educated”.

      • Id immediately revert to my crudest behaviour.

        Take my boots off to air my feet in comfort,
        Lick the plate clean,
        While making loud
        “Mmmmm yummy”
        Noises.

        Id ask for a round of bread n butter and offer to make other diners a butty.

        Comb my beard out over the empty plate and start eating any crumbs with a spoon .

        Id give you a show!!
        😃

      • Ben would be accusing you of spiking his Bitter when the law nab him for drink driving.

  12. Some Oxford scientist compiled a report saying you should eat with your mouth open..apparently it makes the food taste better, lovely..sorry if I want to see what you have eaten I will attend your autopsy..

  13. We were taught during school dinners some table manners by our French teacher. Thought it was all bollocks then but over the years I’ve noticed table manners disappear and thinking back I reckon she was right.
    I don’t consider myself a snob but cunts sat in a restaurant with woolly hats on or eating with their knives can fuck off.
    Re. prawns, I know a guy who eats the fucking lot, says he needs the calcium. Dirty fucker.

  14. We eat watching TV so I use a spoon for almost everything except salad (fork) and chips and curry sauce which I eat with a fork and then any remaining sauce with a spoon. I do use a knife and fork if sat at a table.

  15. My nose is running like a tap from the vindaloo so I dont tend to notice. I usually have a table to myself after the second mouthful.

    I went to an Indian family do once. Great food. Me and the wife were the only ones supplied with cutlery. The Indians used rotis instead. I usually do both. Fork one hand, naan/roti/chapati in the other. That’s proper etiquette.

    • You’re a brave man, CC.

      I don’t and will never entertain Indian “food”. 3 reasons:

      1) It stinks really bad.

      2) Was taken to an Indian restaurant yonks ago by my girlfriend at the time. She knew about Indian slop so she ordered. One dish showed up and it was the colour of one of those highlighter pens. Fluorescent green it was. That’s not food. That’s radioactive discharge.

      3) Another time, also yonks ago, an office Christmas do was at an Indian restaurant. Just my bloody luck. Got seated and looked at the menu. One item was simply “Meat Curry”. Now I’m sorry, but if you’re not prepared to declare what that meat is, then that’s highly suspicious and is probably rat. Fuck off.

      Indian food looking and smelling like it does probably explains why Indians have the social graces they do. Cunts.

      • Meat curry is beef, cooked in Bangladesh curry houses as most Indian curry hoses in the U.K. are.

      • Thanks for the intel, JP. It’s not sweetening the deal though.

        Just the mere whiff of that shite makes me want to hurl.

        Nasty, nasty stuff.

      • I love the dirty shit but unfortunately the nearest decent scran in in Nottingham 15 miles away and I don’t drink drive.

      • Why does curry have to be served as Indian or Bangladeshi l often wonder ? It’s glorious provender for sure,king prawn pathia especially in my case,but you would think there would be good money to be made if indigenous Albion folk set up their own restaurant operations,albeit to higher hygienic standards than your average filthy-kitchened stanley joint.It could go under the banner of…-‘world foods’ or something.An interesting experiment if nothing else ?

  16. At my junior school, we had a somewhat deranged headmistress who would patrol at lunchtimes giving the kids hell. If kids were seen ‘shovelling’ peas, she’d go into a rage. Peas were to be picked at individually with the point of a fork and took an eternity to eat. Ever since then, I’ve had a bit of a problem with Victorian style etiquette, but at least I don’t eat like a peaceful or a chiggun muncher.

  17. I read an article (probably on Reddit or Quora) suggesting that using cutlery is a form of micro-aggression with some young people.

    Knives with sharp serrated blades and forks with pointy tines – they find these rather distressing and prefer instead using spoons or their own fingers to eat food, especially in public eateries.

    There you go – simple cutlery is now deemed offensive, mentally distressing and hurty in all senses of the word, ffs!

    • Technocunt@ Morning Techno – I have a cure for adult babies who cwwwy at hurty things like cutlery – burn them!
      A guaranteed 100% reduction in reoffending! 😀👍

      • East German delivery rooms had a cure for defective babies – a bucket of ice-cold water, just out of sight, at end of the table…

    • I’m surprised using cutlery isn’t considered racist by now.

      And why do Yanks call cutlery “silverware”, even when it’s of the white plastic disposable variety? They’re an odd bunch.

      Oh well, back to work.

  18. Round our way most of our restaurants where you would use a knife are McDonalds and KFC (particularly KFC)………normally outside around 3am after the ‘bluds’ are doing deals.

  20. As a little kid, I used to enjoy my meal of veg, gravy, and whatever sauce we’d had with Sunday lunch, out of my Bunnykins bowl. Still used proper cutlery, though…

  21. I don’t care if people use knives & forks like pens or need spoons to eat peas. What gets me is “posh” seafood such as lobster, crab, langoustine etc that requires specialist tools such as needles, crackers, picks and the like. Talk about a faff. I don’t want to be in a restaurant and have people crunching shells and poking about inside to get at the meat. Its not exactly dignified eating more like a bleeding autopsy. Give me a fish finger anyday.
    Anything that comes from the waters in a shell and has claws is just a tooled up woodlouse that can swim. Those who eat such sh!t will be put to the head of the queue when processed locust starts to replace steak on the menu.

    • I’ve had prepared lobster several times in restaurants and loved. Having it at home is another story. I bought a live one, killed it by bunging it in the freezer for a while then cooked it and started on getting the meat out. I’d started drinking when I started on the lobster. By the time I’d finished with the cunt I was totally pissed and had lost interest in the fucking thing. My wife had the lot. £30 the bastard cost me, some 10 years ago.

      • That sounds like my behaviour last Christmas when I got arseholed on vodka and ruined a top-side of beef…

    • Fucking love it!….’Just a tooled up woodlouse that can swim’ classic thats why i love isac cunts to a man.

  22. In the last five minutes, I’ve just seen two local slappers walking home from the shop.
    One of them had a polystyrene tray, filled with some indeterminable gunge, which she was shovelling into her gob with her fingers.
    🤮🤮🤮
    She’ll probably fuck for food.
    I’ve got some bully beef butties with onions and mustard with me. 👍
    But I’ll save them for when I run into Angela Rayner 😀
    Good morning.
    ,

  24. Lord Fidler: in the wilds of Northumberland, does one remove ones monocle at table,

    Also, should one push ones spoon away from oneself, whilst taking soup?

    We need to know the correct etiquette for your upcoming summer hunt ball.*

    *By the way, I still haven’t received your no doubt beautifully hand written on paper from Bond street, personal invitation.
    That is three years in a row, now.

    I am starting to think a piss poor postal service may not be the reason…..😢

  25. Cutlery is for puffs.

    Use your hands. Soup? Just tip the bowl in your face like a normal person.

    Tricky food like spaghetti? Take two thick slices of bread with you and put the meal on a butty.

    If I’m trying to look posh, I might order the house wine. Obviously I’d ask for a pint glass to drink it out of, I’m not using a girl’s/a gay’s glass.

  26. Kids don’t know they’re born today.

    I didn’t see a pizza until I was about 12. Wasn’t sure how to eat it. I probably put it on a butty.

  27. I do prefer to see people use cutlery when eating out. But I can’t complain too loudly if their standards slip as I once took a takeaway curry onto the train after a skinful, and used the cardboard lid to scoop it into my mouth.

    • I hold a fork in my right hand like any civilized person does. I eat without making a noise and I don’t slurp drinks. My table manners are impeccable.

  28. Living in these parts I get to see all styles of eating. The only cutlery issued for a meal is generally an fork and spoon, or if you’re a real native you eat with your fingers. It’s customary to eat with your mouth open, and it always reminds me of cement mixers. I watched this stunning Asian woman as she sat very elegantly at the table, and then proceed to eat like a pig. I was tempted to look at her with disdain and tell her “There’s no way you’re fucking me now, you dirty bitch!”

    • The fucking chinks all eat worse than pigs 🐷 farting, slurping, fleming and belching.

  29. I find it surprising anyone younger than 30 uses cutlery. Usually they’re eating chicken nuggets, drumsticks, burgers and pizzas with their grubby little mits.

    I did work with a bloke who used to eat most of his all-day breakfast with his hands, but he was a monster who played No.8 for the local rugby team and carried generators up ladders. He also managed to get back into a nightclub with three doormen hanging off of him just to finish his pint.

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