There Ya Go, Dude

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There are many big problems which confront us all in our daily lives; Covid, the cost of living, worrying about the grandkids’ future and what have you. We all have to bear with these stoically.

But sometimes it’s those little irritations which really drive you to distraction. Take today for instance. I’m not long back from a walk, and true to habit I stopped at a café for a cappuccino and a scone.

I walked up the counter to be greeted by ‘what can I get ya fella?’. Now being addressed as ‘fella’ by a weedy hipster with a man bun wasn’t a good start. He then compounded my annoyance by duly placing my order on the table and saying ‘there ya go dude. Enjoy’.

Sodding ‘fella’? ‘Dude’? I was fully expecting the cunt to complete a triumverate of shitty Americanisms by referring to me as ‘buddy’ when I went to pay. As it turned out, this was dealt with by a rather attractive young lady in an incredibly tight top, so all was not lost.

As I said at the outset, there are many big problems to worry us without getting wound up by trivia, but in this case I just can’t help it. I don’t know why, but this mode of address simply boils my piss. Call me ‘mate’, call me ‘pal’, just don’t call me fucking ‘dude’. This ain’t California.

I don’t know who’s the bigger twat; wannabe trendies who seem to think that it’s ‘cool’ to refer to me using these hackneyed Americanisms, or me for letting it get to me.

What a cunt.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

Seconded by Jeezum Priest:

I’d like to support this.
I find over familiarity offensive.
I’m Mr. Not mate, pal, buddy
Sis is also firm on this.
“Did you just call me love? Do you want your face to look like an Ordnance survey map?

70 thoughts on “There Ya Go, Dude”

  1. How about just calling your customers “Sir” or “Ma’am”? As for the trannies just leave out a pronoun.

  2. ” and true to habit I stopped at a café for a cappuccino and a scone.”

    Oh dearie me Ron. A fucking capuccino? Sorry but you deserve to be dissed by a cunt in a bun.

      • A cappuccino could also be a priest. Not dissimilar to a gay monkey.

        Just where the fuck did “dude” originate, in linguistic terms? For me, probably the most piss-boiling word.

      • Indeed, les cappucines we’re an order of French monks so named because their behavior and manners resembled those of cappucine monkeys.

    • Nowt wrong with it CC!
      It’s an Italian place, and the cappuccino is strong and full of flavour, delicious in fact.
      Anyway, that’s my excuse…

    • Don’t know about you, CC, but my gut can’t take an espresso.
      A cappuccino is espress with a little milk.
      I personally, drink latte once a week, hot in winter, iced in summer.
      It’s a grown up version of hot chocolate/milk shake.
      Mock away.

  3. One of my huge hates is people “all bouncy, OTT and cheerful, following the script” who call me by my first name on the phone – a sly trick they are told to do to get you onside with whatever shit they are about to come out with.
    So I make a point of stopping them straight away and informing them “somewhat icily” that we do not know each other, we are not friends and to stop being so damned presumptuous – then instruct them I will accept “Mr”, “Sir” or my title.
    Puts them right straight away – they are not mates down the pub, it is business.
    With regard to cafes, coffee shops etc I do not generally bother with their services – once a month I go to my local cafe which does fine coffee and very good food, the owner says “sit yourself down Lad, I’ll bring your coffee and orange juice over, breakfast will be with you in five”. (It’s a local business that has been hit hard and it values and needs every penny I spend).
    “Good service” I believe it’s called – and I’m not one of those high falutin’ billionaires like Mnc who can just walk into Aldi anytime and get anything and not care if the bill comes to 3, 4, maybe even FIVE Pounds – we’re all dead poor in Yorkshire and all have ‘t diptheria you know! 😀

      • Odin@ – We can’t afford rickets – we’re not these la di da Southern types! 😀
        Random one but rickets, birth defects and TB are an increasing problem with the carpet riders in the UK.
        Yet ANOTHER drain on our resources.

      • Very true Vernon. Just taken the dog out to shit up Robbie William’s wall again and a putrid stream of shit came out, of the Olympia 4* hotel to go shoplifting in the local Sainsbury as we passed.

        They also like to smash in the windows of parked cars for some reason.

        Are these the benefits of multiculturalism we are reaping here, or just a bunch of smelly, backward, inbred, useless, uneducated, lazy, thieving, quadruped raping scroungers?

      • You missed off paedophilia Odin.
        I once returned to my car parked on the Goswell Road to find the rear near side window smashed. Doors still locked, nothing taken. Fucking wasters.

    • As much as 5 pounds!
      In’t Aldi!
      I bet he needs help loading it on’t cycle.
      Hahahaha.
      They do sell some fine things, though.
      As do Lidl.
      Horse blankets, ski jackets and salopettes.
      Yer, we do a lot of horse riding & ski holidays where I live.
      The latest is bird feeders, and stuff to stock them with. They eat squirrel round here.
      Cue ” Duelling Banjos”

  5. This is what happens when Greasy Spoons get overwhelmed by communists and hippies.
    In future Ron please consider going into the nearest pub for a Guinness and a pickled egg.
    If such things still exist.

    Very worrying I must say.

    • The place is owned and run by Italians Unk; very friendly and very nice. Think the hipster’s a student who they’ve taken on part-time.
      I have to say that I can’t stomach Guinness; cunted it a while back in fact.

  6. And those pusfucks in the banking call centre (or any non bud bud ding ding call centre).
    They say (for example):
    “Aah Mr. Tarantino. May I call you Quentin”
    “No, you may not. You will call me Mr. Tarantino.”
    And then they have the gall to sound affronted!

    • I don’t mind being called ‘mate’ or ‘pal’, fella, even a overfamiliar ‘kidder’.

      But dude?
      Get fucked.

      And hes heading for a bad day if he calls me “maaaaan’.
      Woodstocks that way knobhead.👉

      Ive never drank a cappuccino in my life and never will.
      Its highly suspicious behaviour of which mr Knee should be ashamed.
      Its what wops drink.

      • And how does Ron eat his scone? Butter or clotted cream on first or the jam? I think we should be told.

      • Mnc@ – In Sir Rons defence he may have been made to do it by a Lady!
        Girls seem to like that type of nonsense.

      • Its no excuse Foxy.
        If Ron sits outside a ‘bistro’ with his jumper tied round his shoulders, slip on loafers with no socks, sunglasses,
        And hair gelled like some eyetie gigolo,
        You cant blame his wife!!
        No .
        The crime has been committed.
        Coercion or not.

  7. I don’t mind a bit of friendly chat. The service industry in Britain is notoriously appalling, especially in restaurants where you usually receive the full Basil Fawlty experience.

  8. You should have said “that’s Mr Knee, Right Honourable Cunter of the Year to you Tarquin. Now fuck off out of my sight”.

  9. Any cafe that sells a cappuccino should be avoided.

    Full of hipsters and gays.

    If I ask for a tea or coffee (although coffee is for foreign types and homosexualists, so I never order it) I don’t want a choice of 900 types of coffee.

    I just want a brew with my breakfast barm, you cunt.

    And a 50p brew (tea no sugar). Not fucking £6.50 you robbing bastards.

    You got what you deserved for trying to be ‘with it’, sorry.

  10. In reply to LL above if eating scones the jam fist then the cream. The other way is a low Cornish habit. Also a cue for duelling banjo type music and inbreeding.

  12. Local cafes have no idea how to make a cappuccino, usually gnats piss, anything beyond straight coffee or tea is a waste of money.

    Cream teas are a rip off.

    Dude ffs… the country is in need of a good fucking kicking.

    • I don’t like cream teas.
      They can fuck off.

      Its alright for ms Marple or some old spunker like Stanley Johnson.

      I prefer a pie.
      Or a bag of chips.

  13. I wouldn’t be seen dead in such an establishment.

    You clearly got your just deserts.

      • To be honest Ron, I’ve always had the utmost respect for you being Cunter of the Year, but hearing that you buy Cappuccinos in fancy cafes was a real letdown.

        You may as well have joined Bronski Beat and had a sex change.

      • Ron@

        This isnt the same place you have advocado on bacon butties is it?

        Slippery slope my friend.

        Slippery slope.

      • At this rate Ron, Fiddler will be disinviting you from his exclusive Midsummer Ball. Cunter of the Year or not.

      • Extremely unfair. Italian coffee is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
        If you can’t quite manage a double espresso, then a cappacino is the way to go.
        As to butter or cream first, then jam, what kind of empty headed loon puts butter on top of jam?
        It’s butter, then jam, then cream.
        I think I answered my own question.

  14. Here in Australia half the fucking idiot staff in the cafes will say thank you buddie. Buddie, i dont even know you .Makes you want to jump the counter and give them a fuckng good slap

    • They may have picked it up from Welsh convicts. In Cardiff, I am often called Buddy or Butty.

  15. Ron, the only redemption you could have salvaged from this story would have been the line ‘if you call me dude again I will shove that pencil up your arse’ 😂

    • Math? MATH? Maths!!! Its bad enough knowing Ron C.O.T.Y is drinking a poofs drink without another Americanism creeping in. Bill the Badger is shaking his head too.

  17. Mate boils my piss.I am NOT your mate.I tell them my name but they never listen.Cockwombles.

    • Blokes calling girls mate, I see it on Aussie fishing shows. And someone in the office just the other day. Ugh

      It’s creepy because a male mate is a friend,

      but a female, well, mate is what you do to them.

      • Parents who call their kids ‘mate’ are also cunts, something I nominated a while back.

    • Of course we do. His big mistake was the cappacino, but it’s an espresso with a little warm milk.
      I don’t know about you lot, but my gut couldn’t take espresso solo.
      I generally drink tea, but my guilty pleasure is a latte, hot coffee flavoured milk, once a week.
      I drink it iced, in hot weather, milk shake for grown ups.
      Mock away, I’m a vertically challenged, elderly person who’ll probably commit suicide if you are too rude.

      • Know that Liam Gallagher?
        He drinks jasmine tea!!!!
        😀😂😂👎

        Thats what happens with fame.
        “London ways”.
        He should have his citizenship revoked and his Barbies confiscated…

      • A memorable graffiti scrawl for years on a factory wall viewed from the Burnley train

        “Real punks can’t spell cap*ucc#ino”

        Plenty of real punks here!!!

  19. All this piss taking is great fun but just think what the effect of such ribaldry would be on poor sods who are intimidated by applause and full stops.
    Hope. some. of. them. read. this.

  20. MNC, all folk with London ways should have their citizenship revoked, assuming any actually have citizenship.
    As for drinking Jasmine tea!
    The filthy degenerate!

    • The wife and I have just had spaghetti bolognese with garlic bread and side salad, plus a bottle of Pinot. Followed by mint choc chip ice cream and… cappucchino.
      Is my slide into hipsterism accelerating?.

  21. Hes a disgrace to all monobrowed mancs JP.

    He also drinks champagne supernovas!
    Posh ladies drink.

    When asked if this was true he replied

    “Definitely, maybe”….

  22. Fucks a ” champagne supernova”
    Not posh, me!
    I don’t mind being on the starboard side.

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