Opening corned beef with the key

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I like corned beef.
Its lovely.
I also like corner beef hash.
To make corned beef hash you need corned beef surprisingly.
But the tinned stuff comes with a unique opening comprising a little key that peels the tin back in a thin line .
But it doesn’t.

Ive tried this must be 200 times and its only ever worked once.
Whoever thought this was a good idea is a sick fuckin maniac.
Its borderline fuckin useless .
I use a tin opener,
I know when im beat.

I know this isnt a main concern for most, its not earth shattering,
Or political.
But it drives me fuckin bananas.
Its a small torment that can get you down.
I think corned Beef should come in a ball,
Wrapped in foil.
Like a Terrys chocolate Orange.

Anyway thats my nom.

YouTube Link

Nominated by: Miserable northern cunt

83 thoughts on “Opening corned beef with the key”

  1. Fuck the key, use long nose pliers and roll the tin around them. It was staple meal camping as a kid, mixed with a tin of beans, fucking lovely stodge.
    When I first left home and was skint living in a bedsit I made spag bol with a tin of corned beef. Wasn’t as rancid as it sounds!

    • It does sound pretty nasty but as a student I ate chickpeas from the can so I guess needs must.

    • ha ha, just saying have you ever eaten spam, fuck me thats like the sole of my slipper wrapped in a jellyfish…can not believe anyone eats it

  3. What you want to do is go all Pulp Fiction with your next tin of CB.

    “I’m gonna call up a couple hard pipe-hitting niggas to go to work on the corned beef here with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.”

  4. My proudest moment came while frying up some corned-beef hash in the company of my fellow students on a field trip. “Oh, Komodo,” one said – one whom you could not suspect of taking the piss – “you’ve got such style”

    No only had I failed to half-sever a finger on the razor-honed can, but I had been appreciated! Such moments remain with you for life.

  5. I can’t look at corned beef … follows an incident that occurred whilst deployed … one of the guys purloined a few cases of the stuff and bartered it away for all kinds of favours amongst the assembled military personnel. We left him to fix our scoff one day and he decided to make a corned beef curry … and because time was critically short he combined the main course with the pudding thereby blending some shit foamy chocolate flavoured muck with the spicy beef slop … some kind of chemical reaction took place … fuck me it was shocking! It stank out the Chinook battle taxi much to the disgust of the crew. The cunt even managed to keep a tub of the gear to eat cold later in the day. Never shat right for days.

    • What did you do to cunts like that? We swam them. Kedgeree for 30 people, according to our resident genius, was a tin of salmon and 3lb of dried rice – no water – left to fester on the bomb plates* for a couple of hours.

      Loch Morlich, Cairngorms, January. He broke the ice….

      *Bomb here
      https://youtu.be/kBaVaS0jsbM?t=188

      • LOL … our boy was too valuable to even consider any kind of serious retribution although we did set him up for a role in a Dutch porn movie … his missus has never forgiven us.

        Stuff tastes like it’s cooked with napalm when using mil spec gear but sometimes that helped 😁

    • Sounds absolutely gopping. Must admit I was partial to the corned beef hash but thank Christ the menus got a revamp.

  6. I can’t remember the last time I used a key and I eat a lot of canned fish. There are a variety of ways the cans open now so it’s hard to believe that someone still attaches a separate tool to a can that doesn’t even work. The long nosed pliers sounds like the way to go. There is a cunt at the company that needs to get with the times and upgrade the process. A worthy nom I say.
    Reminds me of a cartoon of a dog or cat trying to get a can of food open the whole episode.

  7. Fried corn beef with melted cheese and smooth piccalilly on a toasted bread roll, love it. Post apocalyptic ingredient, but a nice heart clogging snack.

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