Listen to your body

I used to think that saying meant that when your body is feeling something, anything, you should actually consider that a signal for something.

Not anymore. Since entering my late 50s, I’ve found that I really don’t have a fucking choice about listening to my body anymore.

Dear cunters, I’m sure most will think “ at that age, yes, you should be aware of what your body is telling you “. Well, like I said, I don’t have a choice.

From the moment I awake, all I can hear is my belly, my arse, my joints, and now I’ve got fucking tinitus. I’m really looking forward to going deaf.

Getting older is a right cunt if you ask me.

Nominated by: Cuntington Smythe

83 thoughts on “Listen to your body

  1. As long as I can look at gemma arterton in underwear and get wood I can do alright , I don’t care about other body functions, morning all

    (Enjoy (okay so she’s not in her undies but still) … – Day Admin Gemma )

  2. My body has recently spent quite some time telling me to fuck off. I’m not sure what to make of that and/or whether I should be worried.

    • Moggie@ – combining dieting with diabetes is difficult and can make you feel like sh*t, but persevere with the weight loss – it’s massively helpful for diabetes and your body will eventually balance out.

  3. Just so long as I live long enough to see Count Bliar and his like dead will be enough for me.
    I’ll raise a glass or three with creaking joints and raddled liver to that.

    • There should be a national day’s holiday should Blair come to a horrible and excruciatingly painful demise (hopefully involving a chainsaw, a rusty samurai sword, hydrochloric acid, piranhas, red ants and Analese Dodd’s dirty laundry basket!)

      • Techno@ Excellent idea – and check his thieving scouser Wifes pockets before he is lowered into the vat of boiling acid, the grave robbing bitch! 😀

      • I think the NHS should supply people who deeply detest Blair with stress balls in the shape of Blair’s enormous head!

        You can squeeze it, bounce it, throw it against walls, dunk it in dog shit, kick it around the garden, poke it with needles, stab it with knives, and throw it on the fire so that it melts into a gooey stinking mush!

        Ahhh,.. I feel better already!

  4. I did a 7 day fast on Jan 1st (water, green tea, black coffee and bone broth are allowed – no food). My joints cleared up, a cold I’d had for a month fucked off and i lost a stone in weight. Slept better. Felt fucking brilliant. Gonna do it again in March. Try it you fat CUNTS!

    • I lost 4st last year and, once I’ve stopped getting pissed every day, I’m planning to try and do the same this year. I suspect that might be a bridge too far but any further weight loss will be both welcome and an achievement. Being called a fat cunt doesn’t motivate me to lose weight, but it may lose anybody saying it to my face some teeth.

      • The phrase ‘fat cunts’ was used in a wide connotation for I know not the girth of everyone on the site. Try a fast – honestly body switches to burning fat after about 48hrs. We have all become insulin resistant with all the processed food we eat.

      • I wasn’t having a go at you, just saying in general. I’m type 2 diabetic and my glucose went to 9.8 in March last year, I finally accepted I was a fat cunt and started doing something about it. I lost 4 stone in 6 months and my HbA1c went down to 6.1 then, in October, to 5.8. My diabetic nurse was thrilled. I thought she might fuck me but I may have misread the signs 🙂 I still want to lose another 4st but that would take me to 10st, about the weight I should be. Saggy skin may put paid to that. Losing weight whilst trying to control blood glucose presents its own problems but I reckon I’m doing well!

    • Sounds interesting Daz, not sure I would have the willpower but might have to give it a go 👍

  5. 59 heart attack. 60 total hip replacement. Getting old is a cunt. I’m still working. Enjoying a spot of caravanning, love riding my Vespa GTS 300 and love a pint of homebrew and a scotch. Fuck getting old, enjoy it whilst you can.

  6. One of life’s great paradoxes is when the experts tell you to lead a healthy lifestyle in order to ensure a long life.

    But the fact is when you do get into your 70s and beyond your body starts to give up the ghost anyway, leaving you with all sorts of ailments, debilities and situations where you’re dependent on others as you spend all day waiting to snuff it!

    Moreover, what’s the point in saving your money for a rainy day when you’re young only to see it frittered away paying bills and idling away doing nothing in a savings again when you’re in your 90s watching Daytime TV!

    Best to burn the candle at both ends while you’re still able and fuck the consequences. Blow your money on cheap booze, wild parties, drugs, loose women and bling! Let the State look after you when you’ve blown it all, which includes selling your home before you end up in a care home, that way the State will pay for your care as well.

    Work hard, eat and drink healthy stuff, pay your dues and live to a long life doesn’t seem to equate to happiness or fairness.

    Don’t work at all, eat & drink shite, rely on benefits all your life means you’ve enjoyed being a lazy cunt while letting the State look after you and the Taxpayer fund your health – win win!

    • I don’t work, for complex reasons, and I am mostly bored as fuck. I can’t afford to go anywhere, I have no friends and I rarely meet people. What’s to like about that lifestyle?

    • When h said he would do anything for love I don’t think this is quite what he meant.

    • RIP Meatloaf.

      A genuinely decent bloke and talented too.

      Normally I couldn’t give a shit about celebs dying,
      Sometimes laugh.

      But Meatloaf was alright!👍

      • Mnc@ Yep.
        Most disappointing news – Meatloaf dead, Tony Blar not being burned to death in public.
        It just seems a tad unfair!

      • Morning MNC, did you know that Meatloaf’s family are enthusiastic practising cannibals and are going to turn his body into meatloaf?

      • @vern
        surely if they burn his body they’ll have a “Vat out of Hell”

        Umm, I’ll just go over there and get my coat….

  7. Your body is worth listening to.
    Its got more common sense.

    I listen to it.

    “Get up yer cunt”
    Ok, sorry body.

    “I need a walk”
    No probs body.

    “Dont eat/drink that shite”
    Sorry body, your the boss.

    My body sometimes craves exercise, those feel good endorphins!!
    Can see how it gets addictive.

    • Mnc@ – It’s the “get up you cunt” bit I always used to have difficulty with – but then I left school, work appeared and my body clock was reset to 5:50AM, where it stays.
      I cannot imagine the thought of retirement – I would just be bored so when (if) I get to retirement age I am going to buy a load of cars and bikes and restore them – doing nothing would send me mad, and if 100 year old farmers can still graft (those old fkers are indestructible and usually look 30 years younger than they are) I am sure I can manage as well.

  8. Just for a moment I thought I wrote this nom on a 230am need a wee calling after a 130am stomach cramp awakening. Followed by another 5am piss!! Oh and my food hurts. Ringing doctor now.

  9. Too right. Getting old is a cunt.
    I’ve reached that time in life where I’ve accepted that what will be will be.
    As long as I can enjoy a steak, a glass of wine, a vigorous work-out with the lady, and watch the Villa, it’ll do me.

    Morning all.

    • RK@ – Just scrub the “watching the Villa” bit and I see a most satisfactory time being had! 😀
      We suffer our allegiances..

  10. Wait until you are in your mid eighties.

    God’s waiting room.

    I feel as though I’m going to be called through at any moment.

    I’ve gone right down the shitter this winter.

    The state of my health is depressing me, it’s just one setback after another.

    I haven’t even got the strength or the impetus to post on here any more.

    My number is up I fear.

    🎵 Please release me, let me go. 🎵

    • Double ear infection, eh? Are you sure? You haven’t by any chance sprained your wrist as well?

    • Happened to me a couple of years back, a right bastard, though fortunately only in one ear. Even so, it made crossing the road tricky.
      Tinnitus is also a sod. I go to bed, and within 5 mins there’s a high-pitched whistling in left ear. First time, I thought I’d left radiator bleed valve loose, but… no. And it wasn’t my arsehole either.

      • I get ear infections because I did a lot of water sports ( not a bird pissing in my ears) diving was the biggest cause ( scuba, not muff) and a lot of whitewater kayaking.
        It’s a fucker to be sure, wobbling around like a pissed up cunt, deaf as a post.

  11. Admin, can I please nominate myself for Deadpool?

    I will post on here at least once a week.

    If I fail to do so, please assume that I’m brown bread, and crown me the winner?

    What I need Cuntington is a nice twenty year old for the evening. I think that would cure me.

    I wouldn’t be able to manage much activity, but her mere presence would lift my spirits.

    I wonder if I could purchase said lady for the occasional gentle evening’s entertainment, and pay off her university fees?

    Mrs Dyke would be fine with the arrangement, she used to allow me to openly read porn mags in the
    house, and she’d even flick through the pages herself!

    Plus she has tolerated the countless affairs I have had in the past. I’ve been a right cunt to her really.

    Mrs Dyke usual quote after such episodes was, “well, the hungry must be fed, – and they’re fucking welcome to you”.

    • Great idea Dick. Do you think Fiddler would be so gracious as to the loan of his girlfriend, a certain Miss Arterton. I don’t think Mr Fiddler would want remuneration, however, I’m sure a pallet of the finest Fray Bentos assortment would be just fine and dandy.

    • Other Allen quotes: “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it by not dying” and ” I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen, I want to live on in my apartment”.

  12. A famous York organist died aged 104 a few weeks back.
    I’ve just turned 60 New Year’s Eve) , and the thought of another – potential 44 years frightens the bejazus out of me.
    I think in about a fortnight my GP will tell me my chest pains – right side only – are NOT cardiac, so I reckon I shall belch myself inside out.

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