How I loath them. Fortunately, as I’m not mentally impaired, or elderly and confused I don’t get taken in by these utter cunts, indeed it used to be part of my job to track down and shut down these twats!
Anyway, I don’t answer my land-line phone, it’s there for the Interweb.
Recorded message saying ‘ my card’ had been used to make payments to Amazon and a cash transfer to ‘ a foreign country’ which may be fraudulent. Press 1 for an advisor, or 2 to authorise.
Do they think my head buttons up the back?
I always think about those who may be taken in by this shit, so warn them on social media.
I’m not very tech savvy, but I am bright enough to have installed a couple of apps that notify me almost immediately of any activity on my cards.
I’d love to attach a link to one of the very many sites that tell you what to look out for,
but I can’t get that Peppa Pig link off newsfeed for love or money. Try the Age UK one.
Nominated by: Jeezum Priest
Helpful link supplied by: Ruff Tuff Creampuff
Great shout RTC.
They’re mostly a cunt, but I must admit to entertaining myself occasionally if somebody named ‘John’ phones from fucking Mombai, saying he’s from Microsoft, and is sooooo anxious to help me sort out that fault with my laptop that’s showing on a remote server.
I can usually get a decent 15-20 mins stringing them along for a laugh, and that’s 15-20 mins less for them to try and rip off some soul less wordly than me.
22
Sorry great shout JP.
10
I’ve often been tempted to string these cunts along and waste their time, but thought that they might also be running an additional scam of reversing the call charges without my knowledge, so instead of having some fun, I just hang up immediately.
4
Thanks, public service! Top man.
1
The ones that say they are from Open Reach calling you about your Internet – arrghh. Next time I’ll just say I don’t have the internet and say I’ve never heard of it.
11
Most of the stuff I get is from Phone whatever , ‘Thank you for your call, i don’t want to buy anything, goodbye’…. Click.
Sorted.
5
My elderly mother used to be plagued by calls like these. They called when I was there once; she handed the phone to me.
Me: “Why are you calling my mother, leave her alone, she wants nothing to do with you”
Indian bloke: “we want to help her with her computer problem.”
Me: “She hasn’t even got a computer.”
Indian: “we want to…”
Me: “Fuck off, you påķı cunt.”
Phone down. He calls back 2 mins later.
Indian: “I have called the police on you for your racism.”
Me (very loud): “Yeah? Fuck off, you pâkı cunt.”
She never heard from those brown bastards again.
Mortifying, having to swear in front of your mother! But it did the trick.
27
After stringing one along for a bit, I sometimes finish off like this;
Me; ‘oh, that’s odd. A message has just popped up on screen. I’ve never seen that before’.
‘John’ from Mumbai; ‘Message? What is it saying?’.
Me; ‘er, it says (to tune of ‘Addams Family’)
Your father is your brother
your sister is your mother
you all fuck one another
the Mohammed family
da da da da da da da da…’
‘John’; ‘you fucking bastard’ (slams down phone).
23
I’m very impressed by the creativity of this. Played a blinder there, Ron.
4
I used to enjoy asking if he was a member of the “Patel” family who were recently in the news for raping and honour-killing a member of their family…if it was a female i’d ask if she was worried that her brothers might molest and murder her. I’d ask very earnestly and as the question normally stunned them momentarily,I’d take the chance to follow up by enquiring if they had any videos of the event for sale.
13
I also asked an “about your recent accident” lady how much I’d get for shitting myself in the back of a taxi after a night on the Guinness…when she said that wasn’t really a serious “accident”, I told her that if she really didn’t consider shitting oneself a serious “accident”,she sounded just my type of woman and did she fancy a night out……being fair to her,she laughed.
11
Top man!👍
0
The ones I get have slowed down a lot recently but I still get the odd one trying to convince me that a £350 purchase has been made on Amazon with my credit card and I should press 1 to talk to them if I want to cancel it.
On the one hand they’re quite clever because the caller ID will show it as a local call, but then they mess it all up when some cunt in a call centre with a thick Indian accent tries to tell you his name is John Smith.
11
“Hello, we’d like to offer our help regarding your recent road traffic accident claim.” seems to be the most often used with me anyway.
For over 10 years I’ve been getting 2 or 3 calls a year asking for a Mr. Hamilton..??? Who the fuck??? 10 years of seething insult have made no impression on these fuckers whoever they are. Soon as I demand to know which company is calling the phone goes down, click brrrrrrrrrrrr…..
6
Scamming starts the moment you wake in the morning. It’s a nonstop assault on your senses. I even regard the most trivial,of advertising as scamming … an attempt to pervert your way of thinking. I now treat all advertising with extreme prejudice … if I want something I’ll go look for it … I do not want unsolicited shit being foisted upon me … not ever. You cunts!
Dodgy emails and phone calls that make it through the firewall are ignored … always.
4
Pretend you’re elderly and very deaf. Keep saying ‘Hello, is there anyone there?’. Do this when the cunt scammer talks as well to make it more believable. It’s surprising how much of their time you can waste.
5
GT@ – Exactly what I did – got some gal calling me about my “industrial deafness claim” so I put on a very thick Barnsley accent and began bellowing “tha’ll ‘ave ter shart up love – fotty years dahn t pit have sent me deaf love” – I had her shouting as loud as she could down the phone before I told her to fuck off, priceless! 😃
12
Good nom, JP. The last one I answered was from some Indian woman who tried to convince me that HMRC was due to seize all my assets and properties for tax evasion.
I went along with her cobblers for around 10 mins. She directed me to a genuine HMRC site and told me to check the phone number on it and then to expect a call from that very number, which then happened – the number was correct on the caller ID display, so full marks to them.
I pissballed her about before asking her to take my order of 4 poppadums, 2 onion bhajis, a pilau rice, a chicken bhuna, some sag paneer and a cheese naan, which threw her. I told her to get it ready snappy as I was very hungry. She hung up!
14
PM@ – She must have phoned you right before me!
I was “discourteous” to her..
6
There is little that gives me more joy than destroying these cunts (apart from beating crying orphans – that’s great!) – “It’s about yer road accident”..
“Was it fatal”?
“I dunno, I’ll just check” (I have actually had that).
Fill in anything online and you will by and large have your details sold on to scam companies – acceptable responses include “Fuckoff you filthy p*ki cunt” “Actually I work for HMRC as well – where are you located? No you aren’t you zipper head cunt”! “Do you hang round outside schools”? Are you married to your Sister”? Etc..
You can be as unpleasant to them as you want, they are all scammers, liars and grifters who never record outgoing calls, and they then put you down as a “Rude or abusive customer”, dump your number and sell it on to the next set of chancers – who get exactly the same response.
And then it stops.
10
I used to amuse the children once upon a time by answering these types of vermin pretending to be Spike Milligan pretending to be a village elder from Gujurat or some such.
Put them in the curry.
10
I normally launch straight into a rant about how they got my number as I subscribe to the Telephone Preference Service and then ask their name and company name to report them. They invariably hang up and it’s rare to get the same cunts ring twice after that.
For me it’s a bit like answering the phone “make me a winner” – everyone gets it even genuine calls (who calls in the days of instant messaging anyway apart from these cunts?)
Having said all this I did have a scammer trying it on via iMessage when I was selling a car but I binned it straight away as I figured someone with £20k to spend would most likely be able to spell, construct a sentence that makes sense and have a half-plausible story to tell.
I put up a post a on a car forum about it and loads of people said “I’ve had that one word for word”.
8
Ask whether they have a preferred street for shitting on, or whether they have a communal work shit together. Try and get in a “remember poo in the loo” which might have been a awareness campaign on local tv. Google public or open defecation – truly amazing given India is a nuclear power/largest democracy (allegedly)/has a space programme/highest uptake of satellite tv in the world… but very few toilets.
8
Cant stand these cunts, i have had 3 today from consecutive numbers, and a horrendous, unintelligible English/ Indian accent on the other end, Ello Mrrr Fugly, i am Peterrrrrr frrrrrom carrr phone warrrehouse how are you today, fuck off Peter not interested and i can hardly understand you your fresh Pesh from Bangladesh accent anyway so bye bye,.
2 minutes later, same guy,different number, different name , different company, as fast as i can block these numbers they ring on a new one,
Ello my name is Rrrricharrrd , do you have a pension you would like assistance with, if you email your details we can save you money.
Ello my name is Harrrrold i am a computor engineerrrr, you are having a problem with you computorrrr, i can offer much cheapness, do you have crrredit card number and can you download this link.
Harrold fuck off, do i sound like i have just jumped off a banana boat, your having a fucking laugh ya cunt, fuck off.
But sir you cant talk to me like that, its rrrrraysist.
These cunts boil my piss, dont get me started on the fucking emails……
7
In the most effeminate voice I can muster..”ooo you sound like you suck cock. Would you like to come over and suck my cock ? I would love to…. ” It never gets past “I would love to..”
6
Oh, the emails, every day it’s bin, bin, bin, rinse and repeat.
I’ve no idea what they’re about, because I don’t open them.
I had one the other day titled Covid Booster, yes, bin!
2
JP@ – Hover over the emails – this will show you the real email address, if it’s not .com, .co.uk or has extra characters and symbols it’s dodgy (apart from .ie ones which are from Ireland) – right click and report it as “phishing” and they get booted.
2
Ta, Vernon. Much appreciated and useful advice.
1
Just tell them you don’t own a phone!
4
Can you imagine the bemusement?
I haven’t laughed so much since my late mother was startled by a chimpanzee!
2
Reminds me, JP.
What do you call a black p00f?
A chim-pansy! Geddit?
3
I was plagued by car crash scams (car crash, in more ways than one) after I returned to UK. I just said that indeed I had been deliberately fake rear-end shunted by some roof raki, and that the Bentley Mulsanne Turbo/DeLorean was in a sorry state. Just send me a cheque for £K97, and we’ll call it sorted. Stupid fuckers were stymied.
2
When I lived in the UK, every time the landline rang I would answer “Dorset Police, Operation Yew Tree office. How can I help?” or alternatively “FOB Helmand, Artillery battery duty officer. State your call sign and fire mission, but you’ll have to shout”. If it was a mate calling I’d just hear abuse or giggling, but you’d be surprised how many just hung up!
1