Sliding Doors

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I can´t express the depth of my hatred for sliding doors. I had several installed in a big flat I lived in about 20 years ago and after a while they ended up getting stuck or warped and required the strength of Samson to open or close. I moved a couple of years back and had to have them installed again as my present place is a lot smaller with no room to swing a cat.

Now the same thing is happening again. Every time I want a shirt or socks, I have a wrestling match with the unwieldy defiant bloody thing that refuses to run smoothly on its castors and leaves me red faced and foul mouthed. Fuck sliding doors and whoever invented them. To make things worse my wife has just put up a hideous curtain between the kitchen and living room that looks as if separates the rooms in a Turkish brothel. (How do you know what a Turkish brothel looks like? – NA.)

Interior design – bah humbug!

Nominated by: Mr Polly

55 thoughts on “Sliding Doors”

  1. Have to say the movie Sliding Doors wasn’t that great. Gwyneth Paltrow seemed to really enjoy doing a British accent. She’s a cunt.
    As for the entry/exit apparatus I can take them or leave them.

      • Yes, the stupid twat! She’s been in the gossip columns recently for some other stupidity, don’t know what because I couldn’t be arsed to read it.

      • I think the candles gave off the scent of her mouldy cunt, after being filled to the brim the night before.

      • Filled with what though, candle wax? Is that how it worked?

        Its the only thing I can think of that Chris Martin could’ve filled it with.

  2. The only places I’ve ever seen that had internal sliding doors were The Starship Enterprise or American prison cell-blocks.I’m guessing that you’re not Captain Kirk so that leaves the cell-block…………

    • In reply to NA´s query yes I have seen the inside of a Turkish brothel albeit in Cyprus. The “girls” were 50-year-old Peggy Mount lookalikes which explained the influx of Thai, Senegalese and other exotic beauties not long after. Not been in an American clink yet but there´s still plenty of time.

  3. I’ve been in prison for less than a week and I’ve already been bummed three times in the showers.
    I’m beginning to think that maybe I’m not cut out for a job in the prison service….

  4. If they were shit the first time, why did you have them installed again ?
    I’ll need all your bank details and passwords, to validate your response. 😂😂
    Evening, Mr.Polly.

  5. I have a wardrobe with sliding doors, so far so good.

    @Mr Polly, did you have a go on any of the Peggy Mounts 😂

    • Well I didn´t really need to as I was a young lad in those days working as a journalist in Nicosia and used to cross the Green Line often late at night. The prostitutes were just indescribably bad. They were middle aged and ugly with scraggy unwashed hair and did not even attempt to doll themselves up. They used to sit on stools outside the brothel wearing the Peggy Mount pinnies you see in films from the 40s and 50s with their legs wide open in invitation. The worst part was that some of them wore old fashioned nylons rolled down to their ankles . That was a real turnoff. I think maybe the Turkish conscripts used them because none of the British or UN troops would have gone near them.

  6. Replaced my patio with hinged doors. No bother.
    Peggy Mount you say? I feel a strange stirring.

    • There were some of us who were concerned that your recent posts did not mention the prowess/affliction that you enjoy/suffer from.
      Welcome back ?

  8. We were at a real pisshead party once, my mate went to open a sliding as a normal one, ripped it clean off the slider. They were the daze my friends.

  9. Sometimes, sliding doors are the only option if space is limited, and hinged doors aren’t an option. They can be awkward buggers, but my wardrobe doors still slide smoothly 6 years on. Spray of wax furniture polish twice a year, job done.

    • The Missus and I rented a house whose landlord was at the Wickes DIY level and had installed floor to ceiling wardrobes in our bedroom. Fuckin’ properly half arsed job, not a right angle on it, shitty c/brd and MDF construction and the cheapest nylon rollers ‘n rail fitted. He then compounded his incompetence in thinking his handywork would support the weight of full height mirrors … they didn’t

      The mem sahib (8stone wringing wet) slid it open one day, the fucking thing dropped off its rail, toppled forward and pinned her flat on her back on the bed!
      Pissed m’self for 30 seconds until it dawned on me what the end result would have been had that mirror splintered……. Fucking cheapskate cunt landlord and fuck sliding doors. I fully endorse this cunting.

  10. My mate used to be in a band called The Hinges.
    I don’t believe him but he says they supported The Doors….

  11. I agree, that film was pretty bad and was on of the “chick flicks” that my ex wife made me suffer….

  12. … easy fix. Carefully remove the sliding doors and the entire infrastructure that supports them. Even more carefully take them to the front of the property and place them gently in the front garden or driveway. Take a fourteen pound sledge hammer and smash those fuckin’ pieces of shit into fragments and leave your neighbour’s with an image of you that could take years to heal. Re enter the property rip down the fuckin’ curtain thing and promise the wife that you’ll use it to wrap the carcass in if she pulls that fuckin’ stunt again. Sorted. Now all that’s left is to go down the pub and tell your mates what a pleasant afternoon you’ve had. 👍

  13. I used to work in a shop after school which had a big sliding door.
    One of my lovely tasks was to sweep out the fag ends from the runner.
    They used to fly into people’s legs who arrived after we were supposed to be shut.

  14. Clean the tracks. Still not working?
    Inspect the rollers for dirt. Clean rollers and grease with WD-40. Still not working?
    Replace damaged rollers if required. Still not working?
    Adjust height of rollers. Still not working?
    Replace doors or move house or put up with it – consider taking a Valium.

    I don’t know what it is about home owners and tenants – loads of them never look after things like windows and doors. You end up buying or moving in somewhere and the cunts have let it all go.

    • I’m always careful about such things Cuntologist. Now I’m in my dotage and can’t do such things myself, I have my roof inspected every 2 years, gutters cleaned, and a super Jack of all trades on speed dial for all those niggly jobs, sticking door? Jack, blown light bulb, Jack. I try and save jobs up for him, so as to make it worth his while, but he’s a good sort.

      • Good for you Jeezum Priest. You are a role model in a sea of imbecilic, lazy types.

        When I used to live in London and also latterly in the suburbs, no end of places had weeds growing in the front garden – not just one or two – the whole front garden, which in London is usually a postage stamp. Then there’s folk who leave the bins out front permanently. The sub-group to that are those that have painted their house number on the bins with a 4″ brush. Looks like crack heads live there.

      • I truly don’t understand people who can’t be bothered to keep the garden tidy. It’s the one job I still do myself, because it pleases me, also it’s ground level, pun intended, so I can’t fall off it, and doesn’t require any great physical strength. I might have to get Jack to mow the grass next year, though.

      • I totally agree cuntologist: pride of ownership. I strongly believe that people who have zero pride in their appearance/building maintenance/vehicle cleanliness etc, are giving you an insight into their personality.
        Lazy, hedonistic cunts😉

      • @CG When I used to watch tv, I was rather fascinated by those hoarder programmes and shows like ‘How Clean Is Your House’.

        Kim: How do you sleep in that?
        Mental with a house: I just step over and through this self-made obstacle course of junk, get to the bed and then move the massive pile of papers and take away boxes out of the way!

      • I always thought Channel 4 missed a trick by not following up with ‘How Clean is your Spouse?’

    • I find WD40 leaves a sticky residue that attracts dirt and dust like a magnet when used as you described.

      Pick up a tin of silicone spray instead. Screwfix sells it. Slippery and odourless, but doesn’t attract the filth.

  15. ‘A Thousand and One Nights (In a Turkish Brothel)’
    By Mr Polly

    ‘She was truly voluptuous; hair the colour of a shining raven’s wing. Cupping one of her firm melon breasts in my hand, I gazed into her eyes which shimmered like pools of liquid amber. As her sweet perfume filled my nostrils, I felt her nipple harden beneath my gentle, teasing caress…’.

    • I dont like sliding doors either.
      And I hate these modern houses that are all glass.
      Like a fuckin car show room.
      Bet they steam up?
      An pidgeons crash into them on sunny days.
      Bet the window cleaner likes them?
      ££££quids in👌

      • Frosted glass must add to the mystique of your flashing activities, Miserable, as well as being unable to pick you out of a police line up.

      • Naw, I hate glass LL.
        It smears if I so much as look at it.
        Easily broken too!!
        A Removalmans nemesis glass is.
        If you take it out of a central heated property on a frosty morning it can fracture with the change in temperature.
        Its sly.
        Glass is a moody translucent little twat .

    • ..and then I mounted Peggy Mount. Hattie Jacques, wearing her most diaphanous nightie, slipped in between the sheets besides us along with Diane Abbott and Oprah Winfrey and life has never been the same since. Dreams can come true you know.”

  16. There is not much to the humble hinge.

    But its success lies within its simplicity.

    Why fuck about with age old technology that works?

    • Blimey, I couldn’t quite get my head around this comment until I realised it said ‘the humble hinge’ and not ‘minge’ as I (mis)read it at first.

      • Mrs Dyke’s minge is dry and rusty,

        Like neglected hinge all stiff and crusty,

        Like an old barn door that’s been sealed for years,

        Odours that will reduce grown men to tears,

        It attracts the foolish to their certain fate,

        As no oil so fine could penetrate.

  17. Useful if space is an issue I guess. If space is an issue you can always Elon Musk for a ride into orbit or perhaps get that fucking cock jockey Phill Spence over to sort out your ‘housebarresment’ whatever the fuck that is. Stupid thick tongued cunt.

  18. Spencer.

    Fuck me I can’t type properly, must be the 4th bottle of Henry W’s vintage.

  19. You’ve set me off now. My cunt of a neighbour told me that he was having some building alterations done that involved removing a couple of internal walls to revamp his kitchen and dining room. Two weeks knocking out and then a couple of weeks internal works. Then he fucked off to his French holiday home while it was done.

    The lying cunt was away for three months during which time the builders knocked a 6 metre hole in the back wall of the house and installed custom made sliding doors

    Seems the cunt couldnt tell the difference between an internal and external wall – which is surprising as he’s a Professor of Architecture.

    Guess the old adage is true : those who can do, those who can’t teach.

    And he’s a fucking bare faced liar to boot…

  21. I had a wardrobe with one of the sliding doors missing. A bit annoying but I always found when one door closes another one opens.

  23. I love sliding patio doors. I must have repaired quite a few.
    The problem is mostly that the wheels seize, then, because people still slide the door back and forth, develop a flat spot, so they’re never going to roll again.
    Keep the tracks clean, lubricate every year, no problems then.
    Alternatively, don’t bother, and I will gladly replace the wheels for you 😁😁££££££££.

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