Diana – The Musical

I can’t believe it! It’s here, it’s really here at last!
Yes, after what seems like an eternity of waiting, the 21st century’s answer to ‘Evita’ has finally exploded onto our screens…
… and hurled shit in every direction.
Lloyd Webber and Rice might have been able to make something out of the ‘Queen of Hearts’ story in musical terms; it does, after all, have a number of parallels to that of Eva Peron.
But here we have embarrassingly lacklustre tunes and hilariously bad lyrics from David Bryan and Joe DiPietro; no, me neither, but here’s a little sample of their Cole Porter-like genius with words. Get this;

*(paparazzi chase Di through streets) ‘better than Guiness, better than a wank, take some pics, it’s money in the bank!’
*(Di croons to baby Harry) ‘my ginger-haired son, you’ll always be second to none’

Fuck my hat, I’d like to believe that this is meant to be in ironic bad taste, but I see no evidence to suggest that the insight, wit or clever intent is there for that. What might yet prove to be ironic however is that being so gloriously naff, this shithouse effort could actually acquire a cult following and become a real life ‘Springtime for Hitler’. Stranger things have happened.
For myself, all I can say is, where are the Gershwins and Frank Loesser when you need them?

Nominated by: Ron Knee

69 thoughts on “Diana – The Musical

  1. Come on Ron, when has bad taste, bad music and trite simplistic lyrics ever stopped any cunt making shitloads of money? Are you familiar with Adele?
    Anyway it’s on Netflix. Never seen it myself but everyone tells me that everything on Netflix is “fucking brill innit?” so who am I to argue?
    Mind you, i’ve never met Tony Blair but I know he’s a fucking cunt.

    • Adele has been away a long time but now she’s back with a new album and single ‘Easy on Me’. Its a heartfelt ballad about losing a lover and coming to terms with it-
      ‘I’ve learned a lot of blistering home truths about myself along the way,” Adele said in a statement announcing the album. “I’ve shed many layers (that’s true) but also wrapped myself in new ones …’

      • Haven’t all her previous albums and singles been about ‘losing a lover’? I’m not surprised she keeps losing them, miserable cow.

      • They reckon that all of Adele’s ex-boyfriends are getting together to record a song called, ‘Maybe you’re the fucking problem’….

      • Adele summed up in one sentence.

        I’m a fat, screeching, warbling, heartbroken chav cow with a recently discovered fondness for black cock.

      • Sounds just like the usual pretentious load of cock that showbiz types just love to come out with.

      • Fuckin’ ‘ell, it’s Adele…….Again

        Miserable sour-faced cow.

        All her songs are the same. Dull, miserable and moany.

        Look at me everybody, the poor old victim in all this.

        Lyrics sour enough to make a four pinter curdle.

        I know you’ve got a bit of a double-chin, and a head like a Maris Piper,- but let’s face it things could be a lot worse. I’d still give you one,- and you know how high my standards are.

        I’m not interested in listening to your self-inflicted woes.

        Obviously, somebody is.

        Who actually listens to this shit, and why so are so many people creaming their pants over this piffle, – again?

        Am I missing something?

        Tonight, I might buy a tub of that Ben and Jerry’s muck, stick this new Adele choon on the turntable, and sob the evening away.

        Could you imagine listening to Adele’s single at 33 rpm? Now that would be depressing.

        And stop laughing….haven’t you heard of the male menopause?!

        Insensitive bastards.

        (There is a Adull nomination due to be scheduled very soon – Day Admin)

  2. Wonder what Harry Halfwitt will have to say about “intrusion” to his Netflix overlords. What a spineless wanker.

    • I’ve no doubt the old slapper will be portrayed as the innocent victim of white privilege, systemic racism, err…….lezzaphobia and …err…. climate change or something.
      I’m sure the Duke of Netflix will be fine with it. (he’s probably getting a cut anyway, the cunt)

    • He has a $100,000,000 reason not to bite the Netflix hand that feeds him and his whore.

    • It can’t be a white person surely!?

      Let’s show a bit more diversity and insist on someone like Claudia Webb, MP…. oops, sorry. Looks like she might be going to prison anytime soon.

      How about Flabbott as Princess Diana – I’m sure no one will notice the difference.

  3. ‘Celebrate a life unlike any other’? The world is full of skanks who open their legs for rich bastards.

    A completely talentless waste of oxygen. Fuck off. Anyone who even contempts watching this shit needs a fastpass to Unkle Terry’s next cookout.

    FYI – it was 31 degrees here yesterday. In mid fucking October. Christ knows what January and February will be like. I hope cunters, particularly those in the Arctic wastes of the ghastly North, will sympathise as they contemplate the onset of another British Winter. I assume Dick will have a roaring blaze in his, no doubt, vast drawing room and a couple of local ‘maidens’ to keep him warm at night. Throw another cyclist on the fire for me.

    One for the single prostate havers…

    Off to the pool now.

  4. Is that gay lying bastard Burrell in it?……you know, Diana’s “rock”? What a money grabbing little cunt he is eh?

  5. Oddly enough, this was my idea about two decades back.

    I was pondering at the time whether anything was sacred, bad taste or off limits enough for the puddle jumping brigade not to make a musical out of.

    Turns out there isn’t.

    Other new and poorly thought through musicals to look out for include:

    Hiroshima. The musical.
    Hillsborough. The musical.
    Piper alpha. The musical.
    Operation desert storm. The musical.
    Fred West. The musical.

    Use your imagination and there is no end of topics that definitely should not be made into a musical, but will be.

      • Stephen Lawrence. The musical.
        Jimmy Saville. The musical.
        Rwanda. The musical.

        The list is endless.

        Get these ideas copyrighted now before Andrew Lloyd Webber nicks them.

      • Grenfell – The Musical.

        I think a friend of David Lammy has already copyrighted that one.

    • I can already imagine the songs for the Fred West Musical. Tack list

      1. Fred West (to the tune of ‘Go West’ – 🎵Fred West, when you rent a room, it comes with an en suite tomb🎵

      2. Put the lodgers on a big meat hook (to the tune of 🎵La la la la la America🎵)

      3. Break in your daughter in the morning (to the tune of I’m getting married in the morning)

      4. Rose – to the tune of Spandau Ballet’s ‘Gold’ – 🎵Rose, Rose, kills girls with massive dildos, brasses herself to knee grows🎵

      Could easily happen nowadays.

    • I vaguely remember some cunts doing a musical about the electric chair one time, called something like ‘Old Sparky’ maybe?
      I bet that lit the stage up.

    • Fred West could be done as a monologue, a bit like Shirley Valentine. Myriam Gargoyles would be a shoe-in for the old perv.
      As for Diana… Springtime for Hitler seems a bloody good idea. At least the soundtrack for last moments in the bunker would be some good ole Bruckner.
      I should think the main leitmotif for Diana could’ve been “They’re coming to take me away, haha!”

  6. Whoever goes to see this tasteless shitfest deserves to be lobotomised. In fact they probably already have been.

    The Diana industry rolls on. She’s been dead for 25 years. Will it ever end?

  7. 🎶Crash bang wallop, what a car crash, what a load of shite, hit the 13th pillar, with no seatbelt on, “people’s princess” blah blah blah, there it is, no CCTV footage, all shut down for main-tain-ence, what a picture what a picture, rum tiddly pum, pum, pum, pum, pum, stick it ya 8 pages special of the Sun🎶

    I won’t see this load of shit but I imagine it goes a bit like my ditty!

  8. Brexit : The Musical

    A load of remoaners stand around whining like girls about how unfair it all is and how everyone is thick as shit except them.
    Stand out songs:

    Don’t Cry For Me Guyana Gina
    The Lies on the Bus Go Round and Round
    Farage You Fucking Cunt

  9. If they had to import some old show tunes for the Princess of tarts, what would be some good examples?;

    Love For Sale
    Secondhand Rose
    Five Cents A Dance
    Love Me or Leave Me
    Show Me
    All The Nice Girls Love A Sailor (or a soldier, or airman, or son of Harrods)
    and the old Bessie Smith tune, Empty Bed Blues.

    W.C. Boggs, Impressario, producer of the David Lammy musical “Let My People Come”

  10. I would much prefer “Reap the whirlwind” , the Air Marshal Sir Arthur Harris story. I fucken miss the greatest generation, Good Madge Bess is the last of them.

  11. To the tune of Sandra Dee…

    Look at me, I’m Princess Di
    and I just love a big Japs-Eye
    Still give you head though I’m physically dead
    I can…I’m Princess Di.

    Watch it, hey, I like anal
    particularly if it’s painful
    Fisting is fun,
    it makes me cum….I’m Princess Di.

    Get your filthy paws in my silky drawers
    Will you tweak my clit with a stun-gun?
    As for you, son number two
    I know what you wanna do
    Fuck your dead Mother with a dildo of rubber
    coz I’m Princess Died (ha-ha-ha-ha)
    Charles,Charles, let me be
    Keep Prince Andrew away from me
    coz my next birthday I’ll be three.

  12. Expect “George Floyd – The Musical”, with songs including

    Every Breath You Take
    Take my Breath Away
    The Air that you Breathe

    .. and many many more!

    • How marvelous!
      This will be a deserving smash hit.
      Rumours that theres other Royal musicals in the pipeline!
      Ed Sheeran confirmed for the lead in ‘FERGIE’ Sarah’s story,
      And Roy Whiting to play Andrew.
      Im looking forward to both.
      Almost as much as the water musical ‘ Barrymore!!!”
      Starring Elle Symonds,
      Wasnt a dry eye in the house,
      Rhyl Sun centre was the perfect venue.

  13. A simpering, sloe-eyed sow elevated several million ranks above her natural station for the delectation of simpletons and scum.
    The only ‘tragedy’ in that Parisian underpass that night was the inability of her slagwagon to back up and repeat the princess-pureeing procedure a few more times.

  14. Might be worth seeing for the stunt work.
    Henri Paul could pop through the windscreen in 3D…

  15. Jimmy Savile – The Children’s Musical

    Sing-a-long to those great old hits:-

    Two Little Boys
    Thank Heavens for Little Girls
    I kissed a Girl
    Sweet Child of Mine
    The Man with the Child in his Eyes
    Girls Just Want to have Fun

    • Look Gordon do you want tickets or not?
      Selling out fast!
      Also available-

      Holocaust on ice
      Sad jewish story at Warrington ice rink

      Polly pot the kettle on!
      Story of Cambodian diet guru mr Pot, funnily sung by Paul Potts!

      And ‘its raining men’ the 9/11 musical.

    • Hahaha! Reminds me of “Peter Sutcliffe: The Musical!” that was not allowed to be shown on Brass Eye in 1997…


      So does this Diana musical feature an upside-down S-Class Merc on the stage and the actress playing Diana gurgling fake blood? What’s Diana’s closing number, “My Gang-Bang in Heaven”?

  16. Georgie Floyd
    Went to the shop to buy a banana
    Off his tits
    A 20 in his mitts
    About as real
    as a rocking horse shit

    Georgie Floyd
    Went outside to lie down in his car
    Tried his best
    To resist arrest
    Ended up dead
    Dezza is the best

  17. Everybody and his granny wants to stage a musical it seems. Looks as though it’s really seen as the way to make money in theatre these days.
    There’s a story going around that Busby Burkeley is coming out of retirement to do the Markles musical, provisionally titled ‘Gold Diggers of 2022’.
    Should be a lot of fun.

    Morning all.

  18. This whole thing reeks of white supremacy quite frankly…

    They should fire this pale faced honkey and recast princess diana as a beautiful black woman blacker then black itself. that will piss the monarchists right off…

  19. Fat Reg is going to be semi-blacking up to play the role of Dodi.

    Di will be on her knees with Elton’s shrivelled up bellend in her mouth as he sings 🎵 “so suck out my yellow thick load” 🎵, (to the tune of Yellow Brick Road).

  20. As the Devil’s Advocate said… “Gone to Heaven, Not to Hades, All because of a fast Mercedes”.

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