“Good afternoon. This is IsAC’s political correspondent Ron Knee reporting. As part of our in-depth analysis of the situation in Afghanistan, we’re going to examine the implications of the imposition of Sharia law in that country. We’re joined, live from Kabul, by Abdul Abdul al-Abdul, Commander of the Faithful and the Taliban’s Chief of Religious Affairs, to assist our analysis”.
“May the putrid droppings of a diseased camel befoul your well, infidel”.
“I’m pleased to speak to you too. Now Commander, perhaps you could begin by briefly explaining what Sharia law actually is”.
“Indeed. Sharia is our legal system, the fundamental religious code which governs all areas of life, including all obligations, routines, and beliefs”.
“Now, could you give an example of how this works in practice? How would it be applied towards homosexuals, for instance?”.
“Bummy boys (snarling and gnashing of teeth) will be immediately dragged before the appropriate religious authority, where, be assured, their case will be treated with scrupulous fairness and impartialiality. Naturally they will be found guilty, promptly gagged and bound, and thrown from a high building. Other deviants, such as nancy boys who dress in girly clothes, and females who like to lick the unmentionable parts of other women, will be treatmented similarly”.
“Crikey. Are all trangressors to be treated as harshly?”.
“Goodness me no. Those found guilty of lesser offences, such as drinking alcohol, coveting a neighbour’s wife or donkey, or listening to the music of sissy boy Justin Bieber will receive mercy, and will merely have a hand severed”.
“That’s most considerate. Now let me come to an issue that’s vexing many people here in…”.
“Yes yes, I know what you will say. You are concerned about the treatment of women and girls. Let me assure that they will be treated with utmost respect under Sharia, as long as they accept their status as chattels of their husbands. It is their duty to stay indoors at all times unless accompanied by a male guardian, in which case they must don the burqa. Naturally they are not permitted to learn reading and writing, must speak only when spoken to, and submit themselves to the bodily urges of their husbands whenever called upon to do so”.
“I’m sure that women will rush to have the honour of becoming a jihadi bride”.
“But of course. It is the natural order of things. I am shortly to be enjoying my own nuptuals to a most alluring creature. The dowery was large; ten goats and sheep, and a Kalashnikov, but she is worth it. A little old at thirteen perhaps, but then I have always admired the more mature female. But enough of this. Alas I must now depart to oversee the burning of a cinema and the destruction of a children’s playpark. Farewell Kaffar, and may a rabid dog piss on your leg”.
“Erm, thank you for that most enlightening conversation. I’m sure that our followers will be reassured to learn that there will be justice and freedom for all in the ‘new’ Afghanistan. This is Ron Knee, for IsAC, returning you to the studio”.
Nominated by – Ron Knee