American “candy” shops

A Cunting please for the plague of American “candy” shops which appear to be taking over the UK’s high streets.

Firstly the American term “candy” is an abomination and should be scorned. From now on I will call them “sweets”.

These offensive shops are popping up all over the place. For some reason there are 8 in Oxford Street alone. The chief offender is a company called “Kingdom of Sweets” (at least they don’t use the term “candy”) but there are many others as well as a large number of UK online suppliers.

They specialise in selling to gullible Brits, and at hugely jacked up prices, the most disgusting, sickly, sweet, sugar-laden, unhealthy sweets in the World, viz, the American variety.

American sweets and chocolates are the worst. I was born in the USA and spent the first five years of my life out there and even as a child I found American sweets disgusting – particularly Hostess Twinkies. I much preferred UK sweets and chocolate when we came back to the UK.

If you go onto the website for Kingdom of Sweets you can buy abominations such as Reeses Puffs, Hershey’s Eat More Toffee Bar (and dental filling remover), Hershey’s Mr Goodbar, Oreo Peanut Butter and Chocolate, Whatchamacallit (which has more calories than you should eat in a year) , 3 Musketeers (300 grams of sugar per bar), Hostess Ding Dongs (don’t ask), Hostess Iced Vanilla Zingers, Hostess Ho Ho’s (not as exciting as it sounds) and Hostess Banana Twinkies.

Putting aside the question of why so many American confectionary brands carry sexually challenging names (Puffs, Ding Dong’s, Ho Ho’s, Twinkies, etc), I can tell you that these products are the grossest pap on Earth, one bite of which will give you enough calories to last the year and will turbocharge your cholesterol levels. American chocolate also tastes like flavoured wax – but I’m not sure what the flavour is.

Why is the stuff evidently popular in the UK? I can only assume it’s another manifestation of the infantilization of British culture. Hip Millennials think it’s fun and trendy to pay £10 + for infantile American sweets. Dopey cunts.

At least we have our Cadbury’s – oh, hold on….

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Nominated by: MMCM

54 thoughts on “American “candy” shops

  1. All sweets are the preserve of fat, spotty cunts.
    I drive through town centres in the UK now and I see obese, shuffling cunts and their equally obese offspring.

    Unkle Terry-time to recommission the “Fat Farms”, complete with “oven”👍

  2. I totally agree “candy” is an abomination – on a par with “the movies” and “ON the weekend”, but Britain has it’s own manifestation of ghastliness: every high street seems to have a “Mr. Simms Sweet Shoppe” – “shoppe” old England in a disused branch of Shoe Zone or Keir Starmer’s Truss Boutique.

    • I’ve seen those Mr Simm’s shops as well. They are more likely to appeal to pensioners looking for their daily dose of Werthers. At least the sweets are British.

      • Fuck them….if they didn’t eat so many Werthers they wouldn’t be continually swamping Dentist’s surgeries while wittering on about ” this used to be a sweet-shop in my day…15 gobstoppers for a Penny,blah,blah”….Aye,ya gummy old Cunt…that’s why yer fucking sat here claiming new teeth on the taxpayer’s Pound….can’t see why they need teeth anyhow…delivered to your door “Sticky Toffee Pudding” can’t be that hard to chew.

        Selfish old Sods.

      • We still love you Dick. I haven’t visited a dentist in decades and we don’t have our food delivered, I drive myself to Tescos. Gave up walking outside of the house in my ‘teens. Don’t remember fifteen gobstoppers for a penny but used to buy three gallons of 101 octane petrol and get change from a pound.

  3. My daughter is going through a Japanese sweets stage at the minute. I can see why, the packaging is all bright colours and cute,fluffy animals and anime wrappers with cartoon drawings of whats inside, but fuck me sideways the sweets, if you can call them that are fucking awful!!!! Sugary sweet shite with no actual taste!! Doesn’t come cheap either.
    I count myself very lucky to born for the golden age of UK sweets and crisps.

    • Accepted but please refrain from repeating it. Next youll be saying “oftentimes” and writing color.

      I thought Candy was a name for a whore or stripper.

  4. Fuck me, i’ve had one of these, called Candyshack, round my way for about 6 months. I once saw 4 kids coming out of it but, other than that, i’ve never seen a single customer in there even though it’s sometimes open at 8 pm. As it is run by immos (look like Parking Stanleys to me) I assumed it was a front for drugs or prozzies or something. I had no idea it was a “thing”.
    As there are 2 schools close by they must do all their business at lunchtime and kicking out time and I tend not to be around then as it’s like fucking Rorkes Drift. Actually I prefer the trash to spend their Rashford money on this shit rather than in the Chicken shops……a lot less litter and they might die quicker.
    Let’s have more of them I say.

    • We’ve got a yoghurt shop near us that seems to be constantly open. Not much custom and they’ve expanded into next door.
      I have my doubts.

      • Another Yank irritation – they pronounce “yogurt”, “yoe-gut”, As in “Can I get a yoe-gut!”

        whereas over here its “yog-urt” (or was, back in the day)


  5. I blame YouTube. My boys watch hundreds of videos on there and they are nearly all American. There’s reviews for toys, computer games and sweets, with the inevitable result that my little ones will ask if they can try some of what the spoilt little bastard on YouTube has got. It’s got to the stage now where my local corner shop is selling this overpriced shit. They don’t miss a trick.

  6. I wonder how American Kiddie-diddlers manage ? I know that Septics tend to be naive lard-arses but even their children must think twice if some candidate for “My 600lb life” cruises up in their reinforced spacca-chariot and says ” Ay’l give you a Twinky to chew on if you sit on my rolls of blubber”….the child would have to be a moron to believe that an American would give up food….although I suppose the fact that most Septics children are grossly overweight too means that they are pretty much unappealing to even the most depraved of “Paul Gadd” types…and it would be a fucking slow-motion chase if some balloon-shape child was pursued by a 35 stone,moon-faced human- garbage can…..they’d probably both have had fucking heart-attacks afore they got out of the sweet-aisle.

      • Again SDC? Its not that long ago that you robbed me of a fiver citing the same thing. 10 out of 10 for your sheer cheek!

      • @tegc as an acolyte of Yasur, the one true God, the grey haired man that sleeps between green hills I see his work in the mortal realm
        more readily than wretched unbelievers. Join us and be saved.

      • If its anything like The Moonies, i’m in. Please take this blank cheque book and do you bidding. I am your obedient servant. 🙏

    • Morning Mr F…isn’t it astonishing that these manatees on “My 600lb life” have partners?!
      They’re almost certainly control freak degenerates revelling in the physical destruction of their significant other.
      Fuck the pair of them…it’s the hounds I feel sorry for.
      All of these disgusting blobs seem to have small, sad dogs in their shacks/apartments/caravans that never get taken out for walks, the poor little buggers.
      At least the fat fucks aren’t Korean or the dogs would have immeasurably more to worry about.

      • Why are there so many lard-ass documentaries on TV? You can’t turn on Channel 5 without seeing shows like “My 40 stone Lard-Ass Life” or seeing some lard-ass having E45 cream rubbed between his mountainous quivering ass cheeks. Disgusting.

        No wonder there are so many fatties. It’s a career choice embarked on in the hope of getting a lucrative tv contract.

    • We can always rely on you DF for a somewhat original view on topics lol.

      Yanks don’t know how to make decent sweets, because the fat cunts can’t wait long enough for them to be cooked properly.

  7. The tragedy is that Cadbury’s have been taken over by US giant Mondelez, who have proceeded to fuck up their products – probably because they were too high quality and therefore expensive to make.

    And look what they’ve done to Toblerone!

    Mondelez are cunts.

  8. It’s a fucking shame that Admiral Sir George Cockburn didn’t extend his penchant for arson beyond Washington, then these shops wouldn’t exist.

  9. I’ve only tried a Reeses cup and will never eat one again. Horrible shite.

    Americans don’t seem to try with their food despite being enormously fat.

    My brother’s trips there left him feeling nearly every restaurant’s food was on par with a British school dinner, apart from those in New York. Everywhere else seemed to shovel out bland slop.

    • Just the Hershey’s Bar, because it’s made with gone off milk. Apparently during the war, gone off milk didn’t have tax or some bizarre shit.

      • Reeces pieces smells of puke too.
        And Hershey’s kisses.
        Kissed by Karen Carpenter maybe.

  10. Imagine eating a tin of condensed milk, some peanuts and carrots then spewing the contents up. That is what they fill Reese’s cups with.

  11. Wasn’t the ‘reformed’ child murderer, child rapist, kidnapper and serial flasher (don’t worry everyone, he’s ok now), Colin Pitchfork, pictured coming out of one of these places recently?

    • Ironic that his last name is pitchfork because thats exactly the tool to finish this piece of shits pitiful existence off this world To think some scumbag shit for brains judge released him in just fucking unbelievable to me.

      It fascinates me to think that people aren’t convinced we live in a anarchno tyranny judicial system

  12. Love a Jolly Rancher me. Used to be able to get them over here until the EU started putting it’s claws in food regs. Get a massive bag off Amazon for a tenner sorted.

  13. I’ve not been in those American sweety shops.
    I have noticed in the shop were I work, there is a small American sweety section that has bizarre American cereal as well.

    • As long as there are people daft enough to buy this shit, there’ll be people daft enough to sell it. There should be a law which says all this crap has to be made with sweetener rather than sugar. Then there’d be a lot fewer problems for the health service to deal with.

  14. Yank shite.
    My palate is English and very sophisticated.
    This shite is why yanks have the same fat content as a pork scratching.
    Its sickly, tastes like sugared dogshite, and lowers your sperm levels.
    Those stateside fuckin dummies can pack this crap up and take it home.

  15. I miss the old fashioned newsagents/toffee shops.
    A quarter of bulls eyes or midget gems, Shoot magazine, and my first copy of Mayfair.

    Our local newsagent in Newton Heath, Sam, was a lovely man. I used to do odd jobs for him as a kid, and he’d pay me in sweets, Tizer, and magazines.

    The local paper shop is yet another victim of the corporate monster and the Dooshska/Peaceful takeover. If it isn’t corporate raiders like chains of ‘Candy Stores’ then it’s foreign establishments popping up. The much loved sweets and baccy shop, Cunningham’s in Prestwich, was there since the 1960s. But in 2016 it closed and became some Iron Curtain off licence/dive. And the sad thing is it’s happening all over the country.

  16. Bring back the classics:
    Fry’s Five Centres
    Fry’s chocolate creme
    Bar Six
    Amazin’ Raisin
    Proper size Mars bars
    Could go into the local sweetshop and get each for about 5p.

    58 now, all my own teeth and no fillings, so I didn’t do badly.

  17. Kingdom of Sweets recently hit the headlines after a dad took his 8 year old daughter in there to be confronted by a rack full of penis shaped lollies.

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