These flat-pack selling bastards with one of the worst customer experiences in the world (on par with Wong Kei in London’s Soho) are now on the sustainability bandwagon. What’s wrong with wanting to be a bit greener? Well nothing in my mind, unless of course you are an international brand flogging particle board wrapped in plastic veneer by the megaton and pretending you have green credentials!

I came across this article on the Ikea website and find the title of it outrageously alarming “Save money and the planet without leaving your home”. Its the ‘without leaving your home’ bit that I find alarming. What is that? Is it a leftover from the pandemic? Or is it yet another cynical marketing ploy to the new generation who want to stay in? The ‘without leaving your home’ is never explained in the article. Intrigued, I read on.

Their article then continues, this time trying to flog a portable induction hob, that wait for it, makes it possible for you to ‘cook up a storm without leaving the sofa.’ Please see this for yourself on their website via the link below. It is completely ludicrous. I’m not totally uncultured, I’ve been at a gathering to enjoy German Raclette, meat and cheese cooked at the table, and in Korea they have indoor BBQs at restaurant tables; all social and involves going out, unlike this sinister Ikea angle of ‘not leaving the sofa’.

Sadly this Ikea marketing ploy resonates all too well with the recent KFC delivery ads, you don’t have to move, you don’t even have to go to the kitchen and now you can cook on your coffee table without leaving the sofa and save the planet at the same time apparently. Wtaf?! Is this what makes people tick nowadays? Not leaving the sofa or the house to do anything?

Purveyors of rubbish meatballs and dodgy particle board. Maybe that’s what Ikea means in Swedish.


Nominated by: Cuntologist 

99 thoughts on “IKEA

  1. Before long the precious little snowsnots will be able to cook, crap, sleep and wank without moving from their sofas. In fact, getting up and going out into the world would no doubt traumatise them with all its little micro-aggressions.

    Incidentally the service at Wong Kei’s is a lot better than it used to be.

  2. Ikea is a nightmare . However on a tuesday ,when I was younger, and not married it was a knocking shop for bored housewives.

  3. Ikea?
    Never been – as far as I am aware it is a place that chops trees down, grinds them up and coats them with plastic.
    And sells overpriced sh*t with stupid names.

    • I handle lots of furniture and this flatpack shite is weak.
      Waste of money.
      Saying that, years ago the missus was obsessed with going buying this shite.☹️
      Weekends building it, and endless hours walking round trying to feign interest.
      In the end after I committed mutiny she used to leave me in the cafe eating them meatballs while she took what seemed weeks buying this crap.
      Now happily we dont go,
      We have solid wooden furniture which I prefer to Scandinavian cardboard.

      • MNC@ – Ikea flatpack lasts 3 years, good wooden furniture lasts 3 lifetimes.
        IKEA – turning pine into shit for 78 years.

      • Its just affordable shite isnt it mate?
        Its not made to be moved once in situ.
        Buy cheap buy often.

      • Chippendale legs are gorgeous. They’re so curvy.
        With IKEA it’s all straight lines. It’s not sexy at all.
        You would agree Miserable?

      • I would agree Miles.
        Manys the time ive stood flaccid and embarrassed in IKEA!
        Its never happened before I mumbled as led from the store immasculated.
        But different story with Chippendale Miles!!
        As I was led from Sotheby’s auction my pants round my ankles shouting “youve got my number! Phone me!!”

      • I bought some fab antique pieces for a song at auction and on Fleabay; all solid wood.

        Its sad that people get obsessed with particle board Ikea, bland Oak Furniture Land, DFS etc; like that scene in Fight Club


      • Weak yes. Set it up initially and it’s not too bad but move it to another domicile one time and from then on it’s loose and out of square(if it survives the move that is).

  4. I saw a documentary on the founder of IKEA after he had died. When he was a little boy he had the idea of selling matches separately because some people couldn’t get matches and couldn’t get or afford a whole box, probably wartime I can’t remember.

    A frugal little cunt who never improve throughout the rest of his life apparently when it came to making money and spend in it. I wonder if he was buried in an IKEA Coffin and if his family had to build it with a broken Allen key!

    Fuck off!

      • Good find CM.

        Fuck me, marketing cunts at it again!!! Since when did Ikea care about gay rights+ before?

      • “LGBT+ inclusion is an issue very close to our hearts. ‘

        Yeah right! The only thing you care about is making money.

        Wasn’t their founder some kind of nut job with weird neo-Nazi views?

      • “ In an effort to be more inclusive of all LGBT+ people, within and outside IKEA, we are adopting the Progress Flag. The flag includes black and brown stripes to represent LGBT+ communities of colour, as well as pink, light blue and white to represent the transgender community. To us, flying the Progress Flag is more than symbolic. We know progress still needs to be made so that all people within the LGBT+ community are treated equally and included.‘

        Fuck off.

      • @Ikea & that flag:


      • Looks like their going the full Ben and Jerry’s. I look forward to new Ikea lines named – Bumflucker, shittenstab and karpetmunchen.

  5. This don’t leave the house propaganda crops up quite a lot.
    From radio and idiot lantern commercials to the likes of Royal Mail.
    These cunts took my undelivered parcel back to the sorting office a few weeks ago and went as far out of their way as possible to make sure I couldn’t make the 20 minutes walk to collect the thing.
    “please stay home, go online and arrange another delivery within the next 3 days” they said on the card.
    “Fuck off I’m walking down the sorting office to collect it” I thought.

    • When I attempted to ring the Royal Mail number on the back of the card, I was passed from one automated message to another and to another, each advising me that due to “covid restrictions blah fucking blah” I had no chance of speaking to a human being whatsoever or of having the option of physically collecting a small fucking parcel.
      Stay home. (for the rest of your life)
      Do everything online.
      Oh and… Stay safe

      Fuck off!

    • Glad you picked up on that HJ. I find this don’t leave the house thing quite sinister and/or pandering to the lazy snowflake types who live ‘online’. Its perfectly bloody safe to go outdoors or in a shop.

      Hubby’s 20 year old niece no longer feels confident to leave the house because of Covid! There’s nothing wrong with her either. Poor thing will end up buying this induction hob to eat around the sofa with her mates – but will probably do it virtually via Zoom!

      • Glad you have as well Cuntologist.

        It’s a relief to know I’m not alone in sensing this crap.
        It is so fucking insidious yet it seems people are just so docile.
        Young people especially and most worryingly seem to think it is acceptable to live crippled by fear of others or the outside world.
        All for what exactly???

        I’ve insisted since the start of this racket that the fake news (mostly), reaction, fall out and de facto mandatory vaccinations could never have happened in the days before the Internet and 24-7 news/bile/fear porn.

        Repeat a lie enough times etc etc

      • Be interesting to see just how many people are claiming to have developed agoraphobia when they are threatened with having to return to work

  6. Cuntologist@
    Good nom.
    You mention BBQ in Korea,
    Was that from personal experience?
    And if so how was your hot dog?

    • Never visited Korea although apparently all I have to do is drive 60 miles to New Malden in Surrey and I’m there.

      All my intel is from videos; don’t travel now due to having 2 dogs.

  7. “‘cook up a storm without leaving the sofa”….easy enough…. I once fell asleep while my Fray Bentos pies were reaching their deliciousness…although I must admit that I had to leave my sofa when I came to to discover the kitchen full of black smoke…not sure that you could describe it as a “storm” more of a “Soweto necklace” smell and atmosphere tbh.
    Luckily the cremation didn’t mar the subtle flavour of my meaty delights…the Hounds and I were fucking starving after our heavy session in the Pub and subsequent disturbed nap..we scoffed the fucking lot.

    • I’ve never been to “Ikea”…I can’t imagine that they carry the sort of furniture that would match my decor

      • You dont have to leave the sofa if your wealthy enough to own a bic lighter!
        Open tin of beans (also works for soup) and gently heat with lighter!
        Dont miss a second of porn on the telly and voila!
        Hot fine dining.

      • I had a corned-beef hash for my dinner…the bloody woman who made it had put baked-beans in the fucking thing..I was outraged. I like beans but wasn’t expecting them in a corned beef-hash.

      • PS….I may have to write a nom. giving a good cunting to beans in a corned -beef hash

      • This is what happens if you lunch at food banks Dick.
        I hope you held her face to the oven?
        Only way some people learn.

      • A fella from the village was in the local paper a couple of years ago “bravely” telling us about how he has been forced to use a foodbank in the nearest town….no mention made of his “waccy-baccy” habit and how he could afford it but not food.

    • One of the most dangerous things you can do is get wasted and decide to put two pieces of bread under a grill and then go and sit back down only to pass out. I’ve done it when I was a stupid 20 something.

      Fray Bentos! My Mum made me eat that in the 70s. How can you like it?!!

      • I can’t understand why people don’t like Fray Bentos…I regularly have 2 pies,a tin of cannonball peas,chips,gravy and HP sauce.

        You obviously lack my refined and educated palate, Cuntologist.

      • I like Fray Bentos.

        Cheap, but not nasty. Something satisfying about them.

        Don’t know what happened to the base of the pie, it’s just got that fluffy lid and meaty flecks and gravy…..nice.

        What happened to Goblin meat puddings. I used to like them too?

      • Goblin still make them,DVD…I always preferred the Fray Bentos puddings that you boiled. I got one that you could do in the microwave but it wasn’t the same …nasty dry crumbly stuff…no suet,I suspect.

      • Morrisons the bastards stopped selling Goblins years ago.

        Thanks Dick, I must search elsewhere if they are still in production!

        Used to be two big baskets in Morrisons with the two varieties in.

        I suppose people’s palates are evolving towards fried chiggun and keebabs these days.

        MacIntosh of Dyce Scotch pies, with Mutton and offal in were marvellous too. Again disappeared from the shelves.

      • Lord Fiddler, Cuntologist, Dickvandyke:

        Nothing beats fresh game pie-even rabbit and chicken is delicious.
        Served with fresh vegetables.
        Plenty of recipes on line👍

        Beaten only by a nice slice of “pussy pie”-if it’s on the menu😉👍

      • Hah I put on some noodles or something on my 2 burner in a bedsit while skiing in Canada. Pissed blind at the time and passed out. Woke next midday with a cracking hangover to find the door broken in and the fire extinguisher smashed and swinging from its wires.

    • I used to like a Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney pie. When I was a lad my mum would make one large pie do for 4 of us, with potatoes and peas. I had one 10 years ago and didn’t enjoy it.

      The sizes now are 425g for a standard size pie. I don’t know if they were larger in the 1980s. I had one during the Christmas holidays and it was nice. The pie crust is excellent. It did make me rather constipated the next day. I couldn’t manage to eat 2 pies though, half of one is sufficient for me.

      Would it be possible to take a Frey Bentos crust and replace the meat with M&S gastropub beef bourguignon? That would be tasty.

      • Dead easy. I open the tin, lift the pastry out then transfer the filling to a greased pie dish and put the lid back on. It’s the best way to stop everything sticking to the tin it came in.

  8. The IKEA near me was one of the first to open in the UK.
    It’s still classified as a tourist attraction!
    Wtf? The local roads are clogged when it’s about to open with cars and trailers ready to cart off all the crap.
    I reckon the cunts were the main spreaders of COVID with their Stockholm variant.

  9. Don’t think I’ve ever seen a piece of IKEA furniture in my life.

    Naturally most of the furniture at Creampuff Manor has been passed down from generation to generation, any gaps I source from local secondhand furniture shops or the British Heart Foundation which has an excellent a large shop nearby.

    Currently on the lookout for two replacement armchairs for the drawing room.

    • Ruff@
      Theres a Air ambulance charity in Cheshire that gets donated furniture from the footballers, tv types, and idle rich.
      It gets some quality stuff in.
      Rather than scratting in charity shops like a vagrant I of course have it made to my specifications by artisan craftsman.

      • Anyone who uses Jay Blades, Mis, ends up with an item worth far less than the one he started with!

      • Fair play to Jay Bertie, hes made a successful career despite no skill whatsoever.
        That leather pinny he wears should last him a lifetime!

      • Yeah, they’d do. But I was thinking more in the region of £50 each.

        Drew Pritchard is a slippery little tyke.

      • How about a nice pair of repro Wing Chairs that you can get for a song and then have them recovered and/or reupholstered in a fabric of your choice? Are you more of a modernist RTC? An Eames chair type??

        Maybe MNC can hook you up, as they say in the States!

      • Definitely not a modernist, Cuntologist, though I appreciate the appeal.

        More a traditionalist /antique-ist, me.

        Tend not to go for expensive armchairs, etc, as the cats tear them to pieces.

    • I got 2 lovely leather armchairs from an auction a while back RTC.

      Nothing at all wrong with them. Would have cost a fortune brand new.

      Got lucky that day. The only people attending were coffin dodgers.

      • Yes Harold, auctions are another great source, used to attend them on a weekly basis until about ten years ago when the local auction house closed. 🙁

  10. Ikea Billy Bookcases. Excellent and a significant contribution to Western Civilisation. I’d be lost without mine and I need to get more because I’ve now got books spreading all over the floor.

    Ikea food is very nice as well. The restaurant serves meatballs which are delicious and some cake which tastes like Dime Bars.

    So Ikea is not too bad.

    The names are absurd though – Gronkulla, Sparsam, Flardfull and Knutstorp.

    • I agree the Billy bookcase is a good thing 🙂 If you want to fiddle with it, you can add mouldings and paint it and make it look completely different. This is cheaper than buying lumbar from any timber merchants and you can be canny and make them fit to size.

      Just moaning that Ikea have suddenly decided to be green because that drives sales.

      • I agree Cuntologist. As soon as any company pushes a woke agenda I head for the door. Maybe I need to look at another book case supplier.

      • Just get a Billy bookcase second hand off Fleabay 🙂 Fuck giving the woke cunts your money directly.

    • Yes. That was part of the fun. I’m sure custom has dropped of now the waiters have become polite.

      • Polite waiters in the Wong Kei?

        That’s a sure sign the end times are upon us, that is…

        Next you’ll be saying the resident snakehead ‘enforcers’ (the only people the staff were ever deferential to) are gone too.

        Before I escaped Londonistabistan, I spent many a fun night there back in the 90’s watching the show, if they’ve fucked the place up that badly, then another of the only reasons I had for ever visiting again the shithole formerly known as London is gone.

  11. Who would have thought the film Wall-E would have become strangely prophetic.

    The human characters are obese and never move out of their chairs, whilst being waited on by their robot attendance, permanently glued to a screen showing nothing but consumerist tripe.

    • Agreed; I think exactly the same I thought ‘Wall-E’ instantly when I read the Ikea blog.

      A lot of news stories either make me think of either Wall-E or Idiocracy!

      • Idiocracy is where we are heading.

        A toilet built into the sofa and tv programmes that centre around being kicked in the balls.

  12. SLY-KEA

    Fuck off with your hidden agendas.

    Do people in Sweden and the rest of Europe buy this shite, – or is it just us thick cunts here?

    • Yes and no.

      Having lived in Scandinavia, most people with older houses tend to have older solid built furniture that fits with their decor and the generally wonky lines of the house.

      The younger generations may buy Ikea stuff purely for practicality because it fits with their new build flat and clean, straight lines.

      For examples and a bit of property porn visit http://www.EDC.dk

      If you need a postnummer, use 4000 for Roskilde and see what £500k buys. Some of the furniture and decor is absolutely gorgeous and really individual.

  13. Ikea are indeed cunts. I won’t go there anymore. Looking at the people in the one near me in Edmonton makes it look like you’ve rocked in some godforesaken Middle Eastern shithole (which I suppose Edmonton is).

    I went to Wong Kei with a friend a few years back. We were looking for a bit of nostalgia, but the staff were pleasant and not at all surly. – what a fucking let-down.

    Talking of green-wash, Ikea will need to go some way to beat the latest offering from Persil. Ashley “the cunt” Banjo talking to some mongy wannabee greta mongbergs about some environmental shit. Yes Unilever, like you really fucking care (allegedly).

    • Never visited the Edmonton store; actually never been to Edmonton. I’ve been to two Ikeas, one in South Croydon and the one near Wembley. Its like driving through a modern brutalist nightmare made of concrete and then you are finally greeted with a great big blue and yellow ‘IKEA’ sign. Somehow the flash of colour makes you grateful that you have arrived, Weird shopping experience traipsing through a load of dioramas before you get to the bit to pick your item. The queues for the checkout can be diabolical. I last visited in about 2006 having woken up to what a pile of shit it was.

      Unilever, purveyor of brands with added poison, whether physical (e.g. all their soaps with Sodium Laureth Sulfate in it) or ideological (Ben & Jerrys). Cunts.

      You probably heard that Mrs Meegain Hewitt-Windsor has done a deal with Proctor & Gamble; the mind boggles at the sort of green projectile vomit that will come out of that!

      • P&G-washes whiter.
        They will have their fucking work cut out with Sparkletits😉

  14. It says on the link website something along these lines,-

    We no longer eat in the kitchen and sleep in the bedroom. We now eat, sleep and play wherever we feel most comfortable.


    Yeah, I’ll just chuck a sleeping bag down on the floor by the fridge tonight love and spend the night down there. Keep an eye on the pan of stew for me, – I’m going to leave it simmering overnight on the bed.

  15. Ikea furniture is alright if you don’t mind putting furniture together yourself and you are handy with a screwdriver.

  16. Ikea: I hate the place.

    Many years ago we had an Ikea wardrobe which had water damage after water ingress from storm damage. The thing was severely weakened. It was replaced by the insurance, no questions asked. I left one of the side panels outside while other building work was ongoing and it literally flaked apart after a few months. Shite wood with honeycomb styled cardboard inside the fucker. I also have a shite Ikea desk where the top is too thick. I had an Ikea TV stand but it buckled under the weight of the TV after about 3 years. I bought my mum and dad a nice TV stand from there but they discontinued it.

    Their wardrobes have a 10 year warranty but our runners buckled after 3 years. They asked for a receipt(!) – best I could get was a bank statement showing the date and a picture of the wardrobe which you can only buy from Ikea. I had to say to the dozy bitch, “It’s not every day I spend £420 at Ikea”. They sent some cunt out to inspect it and he said the wardrobe was “overloaded”. How the fuck would that affect the horizontal sliding door part? He replaced 2 parts on the runner which would have cost 50p and I could have fitted myself. Utter shite.

    The best thing about Ikea is the food in the café which is acceptable at best.

  17. Prior to the Brexit vote, I was warned by a friend that I can say goodbye (amongst other things) to IKEA furniture.

    I’m still fucking waiting.

  18. I went in one once. Took fucking ages to get out. Goods on offer were shite. And the cafe seemed to specialise in food flavoured mechanically recovered meat.

  19. The film idiocracy is a work of fiction, and not an instruction manual for the future.

    It’s like they are actually creating this dystopia full of retards.

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