The Ivy in the Lanes

A nomination for the most pretentious pile of wank ive seen in some time, “The Ivy in the Lanes”, in Brighton.

The chef Jason Atherton once called The Ivy (in London) a ‘chip shop for luvvies’ as it was frequented by panto dames and theatre folk, as well as washed-up celebrities.

Now Brighton, the South coast’s London receptacle, has it’s own Ivy-affiliate, the Ivy in the Lanes.

If you’ve been to Brighton, you’ll know the Lanes is a district selling tat , sushi and bagels to chin-stroking hipsters. It seems very apt that the Ivy might open up a spin-off there, given how unwittingly establishment most of the cunts who live there actually are.

Sorry mate, i don’t care about your band that uses funny time signatures. You’re as alternative as Dame Judy Dench.


(Link provided by the rugged and handsome Night Admin – NA)

Nominated by: Cuntamus Prime

68 thoughts on “The Ivy in the Lanes

    • If the shit stabber behind the counter asked me for £8 for a cup of tea, he’d feel the weight of the table on his head.
      Unless it was a massive mug that held a gallon, value for money is everything.

    • Saturday night at the Ivy?

      Please, Admin, no! Show some mercy 🙁

  1. This pretentious shite palace should do well in Bumtown. Plenty of poofs with money to blow away to look absolutely faaaaaaaabulous! I wouldn’t mind having some shares in this place.

  2. Ship Street is a dump.

    £3.50 for a Diet Coke. Nearly £12 for some gin and tonic concoction. They’re having a giraffe.

  3. The decor of that place is fucking horrendous.
    I always thought that sausage jockeys were good with colours.
    Apparently not.

  4. These cunts would love me.
    Id fit right in!
    Bearded to fuck=Hip.
    Id bring my appetite
    ,” plenty of bread an butter please pal!”
    And ale, keep my mug filled cocker!
    Id tell em saucy jokes, maybe a dirty magic trick?
    But if theres no gravy?
    That table will hit the fuckin ceiling and those little creme eggs will get a size 13 steelie up the harris.
    One thing I won’t have is poor dining.

  5. It ain’t The Ivy unless Her Madge patronises it(and eats there too…).
    Cardiff has got an Ivy… I’d sooner go for a Burger King, then a bottle of red at the Owain Glyndiwr round the corner.
    Pfft saieth the ghost in my arse.

    • A tearoom fit for a queen in Cardiff? I’ll stick with the Golden Cross. Brighton can stick with its golden showers and Green Party loonies.

    • The Queen eat at the London Ivy?
      Be on a Tuesday, pensioners special?
      Wonder what she orders?
      Bet its liver an onions, maybe something thats easy to chew,
      Doggie bag for the corgis.
      Takes Archie, nice to see the young uns,
      “Archie please get down from there, ones a royal!”

  6. Cruise missile right down the chimney.
    BBQ amongst the ruins and a good piss up.

  7. Measles’ make you mumpy and mumps’ will make you lumpy,
    And Chicken pox will make you jump and twitch.
    The common cold will fool you,
    And whooping cough will cool you.
    But Poison Ivy Lord will make you itch!

    • Looking at their menu, the burger and fish and chips is as expensive if not a bit more expensive than the Ivy.

  8. If I wanted to make money selling food in Brighton,I’d sell Mr.Kipling’s French Fancies…The Gays can’t get enough of those sugary’s a little known fact that Brighton has the highest consumption rate per-head of Mr.Kipling’s French Fancies in the Country. No good trying to sell steaks to The Gays..steaks are Manly food…interestingly enough I had an ” Argentinian Fire Steak” for my dinner today,followed by a bag of Co-op jam doughnuts….I’m going to have a couple of Scotch Eggs later…Gays aren’t allowed to buy Scotch Eggs…when they shove them up their hoop, the gerbil thinks it is a boulder chasing them like that one in the Indiana Jones film.
    I have also had a little nip to get over The National result…we’ll never hear the fucking end of a woman winning…be nearly as bad as the endless beatification of that old buzzard Prince Philip.

    • Dick. I can’t understand why you would be interested this year in betting on the National.
      Surely, with all the upheaval, there would be no bets of real value to make?
      That said,the same would apply to my football bets!

      • I just do it for a bit of interest.Bertie. I do my real betting on flat races run on the artificial surfaces.

        Football….Newcastle seem to be having their annual gamble on relegation.

      • I see. Some bets are just driven by interest rather than any anticipated profit.

    • Dick, I’d hate to be standing downwind of you if you have washed that down with a few jars of Guinness.

    • I bet that the ice cubes in the drinks comprise the chef and his mates’ spunk.
      If you order a pasta dish and request an extra portion of Parmesan, you’ll probably get a bowl of bum-smegma.
      Their signature dish, Coq au Vin is exceptional in that the main ingredient is not chicken.

      You have quite the vivid imagination. Ever thought of being a restaurant critic? – NA

  9. Do y’all have brisket at this here establishment? No? Well golldammit pardner! Can you point me to the nearest Bar-B-Que joint? No? Don’t look at me that way you little fairy! I got half a mind to horse-whip your scrawny little ass boy!

  10. OK Night Admin, this self praise is going too far now. 😂

    It is indeed well over the top, but does draw attention to the fact that some cunters cannot be bothered to find a link for their own nominations. That is a cunt. Still, I’m glad you’re enjoying my ego and hopefully get a chuckle out of it. – NA

    • Sir Limply isn’t much of a fan though is he NA?

      It would appear not, Harold. But I just checked and as it happens, I don’t give a….well, you know. 🙂 – NA

    • Youd feel uncomfortable Infidel.
      Your like me,
      Common as shite.

      • I can’t argue with that and to prove you right I drove to Clitheroe on Thursday for a mega selection of sausages.
        Then onto the pie shop for approx 20 huge pies. The box was that fucking heavy the stall guy had to carry it.You can’t beat a decent pie with gravy of course.

      • Infidel@
        Do you know, i posted that assuming youd know I was messing about, then thought “hope he knows im only joking?!!😀
        Your right about the pies, food of the gods, ideal on cold days,
        Today it belted down with snow.
        Dry socks and hot pies are to be treasured.

  11. “All available units – mince, waddle and sashay to the Ivy, someone has just tried to charge a Yorkshireman 8 quid for a cup of tea – it’s a fucking bloodbath”!
    “Are there any Mr Kipling French Fancies left”?

    • Foxy@
      Hot water bottle full of tea inside yer jumper?
      Old Yorkshire trick.
      Ive seen all the teabags on washing lines in Barnsley.😀

      • Worst place ive ever eaten an felt uncomfortable was Betties Tearooms in York.
        Full of japs!
        All staring at me they looked like goldfish.
        Had high tea, little butties,
        Cakes an scones.
        But the butties had that rank smoked salmon on them,
        I nearly puked my ring up there an then.
        Horrible. Taste it all night.
        It was fuckin rubbish.

      • MNC@ – From a distance they look like washing, just so visitors to sunny Yorkshire think we are flash types who can afford stuff to put on ‘t line! 😀👍

      • Identify 100% with your opinion of smoked salmon. Absolutely revolting, don’t know how anyone can get it down their throat. Off topic but; I’ve noticed I seem to have an affinity with folks from Yorkshire although I was born and raised in the black country. Great friend of mine for forty years is a yorkshire lad. I now live in Buckinghamshire amongst people a mate of mine from Lincolnshire calls “southern shandy drinking wankers”. I can only apologise.

  12. Nikki Grahame….”Who IS she” from big brother in the Deadpool anyone?

    Ironically enough in a nomination about a restaurant she is dead at 38 from an eating disorder for fuck sake 🙁

    • Eating disorder?
      Heroin sandwiches? Ecstasy cakes? Cocaine-cola?

      That was harsh, but quite funny. Well crafted, sir! – NA

  13. Back in 2006, l found myself, tired and hung-over, in the services near Newbury.
    I decided a pot of tea, a full English and 2 slices of toast were just what the doctor ordered. £18 fucking quid😳

    I asked the cashier where her mask and striped top were-straight over the bitches head.
    For £18 I would expect a steak dinner and a pint.

    Didn’t help the hang-over one iota, either👎

    • I’d stay tired hungover and hungry before I fucking ate in a services, robbing thieving cunts! Absolutely everything is more expensive because they know that they got you by the balls!

      Mind you £18 for that in 2006 seems excessive evn by their standards!

  14. Anyone have Nikki Grahame in the Deadpool?

    I’ll await the out-pouring of grief etc. from the usual suspects. Funnily enough, they didn’t seem to give a flying fuck about her while she was alive.

    She was obviously a very troubled person but she was exactly a saint either.

    • Harold@
      Once when the kids were little we took them to Camelot, the themepark.
      We hit a terrible traffic jam and pulled off at a junction and went to a pub for a meal.
      When mine turned up the chips were in a flower pot!!
      No joke!
      I said to the lass serving “whats the big idea?”
      She said “thats what we do”.
      Like it was normal to put peoples food in gardening supplies.
      I asked if the gravy came in a watering can and she looked at me like I was a fuckin nutter.

      • MNC she should have been grateful for the idea of putting gravy in a watering can.

        I’ve had food served on a piece of slate or rock before in a swanky London place.

        I wanted to say who do you think I am? Fred Flinstone, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to get thrown out you see.

      • Plates and bowls are tried and tested, they work fine.
        I dont see the need to start experimenting with building materials or stuff from garden centres?
        Concentrate on cooking my food and not giving me e-coli is what im really looking for.

      • Harold:
        The only place it is acceptable to serve up bacon & eggs on a shovel, is on the footplate of a steam locomotive, on the annual IsAC jolly boys outing 👍

        I have eaten in restaurants where they have served the food in unconventional ways.
        The stupid fuckers.

        I remember seeing a photo from a private diners club in Japan, where the male businessmen were eating sushi, served in a naked girl.
        If she had questionable hygiene, at least the smell of raw fish would mask the smell…..

      • Elt got E.coli once MNC.

        Wonder how he got that?

        Could it have been from giving David Furnish a B&WC special per chance? (allegedly)

      • Are you insinuating that Elton’s infuriates resembles one of those ice lolly’s from my childhood? Zoom?

        You know the one: red, blue, with a brown tip with “knobbly” bits?

      • Infuriates?????????
        How the fuck did Apple predictive text change “tongue” to that???????

        How infuriating 👎

      • There was a restaurant in Stockport that was in all the papers “a unique dining experience”.big waiting list!
        And it was completely in the dark, pitch black.
        A accident waiting to happen.
        People are fuckin suckers,
        Fall for any old bollocks.

      • ….whilst his puckered old ringpiece probably resembles one of those tubs if Ben & Jerry’s.
        I think they named one after him-White Chocolate sludge 😢

  15. I need to get this off my chest.
    Mrs Infidel and I have had a voucher for Ivy’s in Manchester (Xmas gift) for 2 years now. I’m shitting myself about what to do when I actually have to fulfill the obligation.
    This covid has delayed the inevitable but unless some fucker eats a pangolin soon I feel as though I’m doomed.

Comments are closed.