I was sat one evening back in August in my study, doing a few bits of paperwork before retiring with Lady Quimson to the bedroom, when I heard a groaning sound coming from the bottom of the garden that backs onto an abandoned quarry.

As I got closer the noise became louder and louder until an “aaaaggggghhhh yeah” came from the bushes.

I shouted “hoy ya dirty fuckers” with that a group of men and women came out of the bushes on the other side of the track, tits like a 15 year old friesian cow dangled down, as well a tawdry todgers the size of drawing pins. (Anyone from IsaC perchance? – DA)

I mean don’t these cunts have houses to fuck in, why do they have to perform sex acts at the bottom of my garden the selfish, thoughtless cunts!!!! (So did you errr.. join in then? – DA)

Nominated by: Captain Quimson

41 thoughts on “Dogging

  1. My folks “Dogsat” for a holidaying couple. They decided to take it to some woods-“It must be a good spot, as there are always loads of cars parked in the lay-by next to it!”
    You can imagine the rest 😂.
    And no MNC-they didn’t join in, however they did see the funny side of it👍

  2. Not dogging but similar: as a youngster, I pulled a lass in a pub with a massive beer garden, things got heated very quickly, which necessitated a fuck in the beer garden, in what we assumed was not visible from the busy pub. Plus they had a band on.
    After vigorously banging her doggy style, we re entered the main bar to rapturous applause 😂
    She was mortified and left with her mates-I got free drinks for the rest of the night👍

    • Nice one, CG! You don’t mention her age or attractiveness, I note…
      As she was so easy, are we to assume that she was an old scrotbag who looked like David Dimbleby?
      And also, as you did “her” doggy style, are you sure your tassel went in her fanny?
      I worry that you were set up by a sneaky transvestite bender…🤭

      • Thomas, I had already had a few pints, so partial beer goggles. I was 19/20-she was younger, a cousin of a mate of mine.
        The follies if ones youth, eh?👍

  3. Do you live on Summerisle by any chance, Captain? The reason I ask is that his probably has something to do with the occult or ancient pagan rites (consult the works of Dennis Wheatley for details re the former, or MNC re the latter!). Either that, or it is just a bunch of pissed local mingers and pox monkeys.

  4. A strange phrase “dogging”.
    Almost as strange as “cottaging” which sounds like it should mean taking a week’s holiday in a pretty part of Cornwall.
    Not fiddling with other men’s willies in a public toilet.

    • Maybe should be updated to “Blairing”. Errrr….alledgedly.
      Arrested and charged as “Charles Lynton”, his middle names.
      ‘Tis probably an urban legend, but highly amusing if true…
      The dirty bumlord.

      • Well, he did contribute a great deal towards fucking both the Western World and the Middle East up the arse, so I reckon it’s true.
        Erm, allegedly.
        Afternoon GCHQ…

  5. Limited knowledge, I know you don’t believe me!! Does dogging refer to the women because they all look like dogs? Asking for a friend..

    • I believe it refers to all the middle aged blokes, telling there wives:
      “Right love, just taking Rover for a good walk. You look tired, don’t wait up for me.”

  6. Never been dogging, but im all for socialising and getting outdoors for exercise.
    Its just not knowing the etiquette and rules?
    Do you just tap on the window and show them your winky?
    Dunno if I could muster a stiffy with other blokes watching?
    Do you take refreshments?

  7. ” why do they have to perform sex acts at the bottom of my garden”….perhaps if you took down the massive neon sign saying “Sexual Reprobates Welcome”, the giant inflatable penis and stopped serving complimentary tea and biscuits it might help?

  8. I’ve just put all my dogging gear up for sale on ebay, it hasn’t sold yet but there are 14 people watching.

    • Fucking sex freaks, now all I need is satnav Co ordinates to the bottom of your garden, some rubber gloves and a 10 gallon hat…. Oh and a length of hose pipe….. Fucking sex freaks……. Not me

  9. @Sir Fiddler:
    Do you ever encounter such behaviour on your vast tracts of land?
    Would you set the hounds on them before the vinegar strokes or show them more compassion?

  10. Don’t know if it counts as dogging but I once made eye-contact with the local gamekeeper as he was knobbing the gardener’s wife in the back of his Escort van.

    I’d been coming away from a felling job when I noticed the van parked up a track in the wood…thought he’d just be having a sly kip so crept through the trees planning to hammer on the roof to give the lazy Sod a rude awakening…as I got nearer I realised by the way it was rocking and pitching that he was either in the throes of St.Vitus Dance,having an extremely vigorous wank or was actually riding someone..or something ( he was an “odd sort”)…didn’t matter ,any of the three events would make me laugh. I wiped the mud off the glass panel in the back door of the van and leered in….the ‘keeper leered and grinned back at me. He was in the gardener’s wife balls-deep and by the look on his face an audience was spurring him on….she hadn’t seen me but I announced my presence to her by hammering on the metal sides of the van and yelling that her husband was on his way…..I then Fucked Off at speed before the keeper got his pants back on and reached for his shotgun.
    I saw him in the Pub a couple of weeks later..he thought it was fucking hilarious and when I later saw her she just grinned and said “hello”. They knew that I know how to keep my mouth shut.

    I miss those days…they were a good laugh.

    • Think thats more voyeurism, peeping Tomming, or something Dick?
      Bet you struggled to run with your pants around your ankles?

      *Evening Dick👍

  11. 2 Pakistans had a shag in a transit next to my car at Piccadilly station during the morning rush hour.
    Does that count?

  12. Years ago I drove out to three local dogging locations on different nights and spent several hours waiting to see what would happen. There were rows of cars lined up and us drivers just sat there waiting and watching each other. Just one time a fella had a woman with him. They didn’t do anything. Eventually everyone got bored and left. A waste of time. So disappointing.

  13. Not had dogging for quite a while. Traditional rural pursuit down me neck of the woods. Most of the officianados are old fat and fuck ugly and wear coy animal masks. Covid masks very much on trend at the moment but social distancing not observed. Have made a few quid out of the dismal cunts over the years renting out me barn and the local pensioners contingent also meet up in the Lidl carpark on Sundays (Lidl on class).
    Interestingly Herefordshire has been the epicentre of extra-mural shagging for a number of years now, old hippie love-ins, sex glamping, wanking in the woods ect. If you enter these parts remember to bring a torch and a condom.

    • Jeeesus SirLimply-clucked in your link-they are like characters from The league of Gentlemen😢

    • Fuck me, look at the state of those cunts, no wonder they have to hide in the woods, now I bet they have a Ford focus that doesn’t look like a plasterers radio at the end of the night….. I bet the only way that guy gets any is to pretend to be a donut….

  14. You seem to have been taken by surprise, Capt. Q. I suggest that you invest in a low-light CCTV camera: a choice of lenses is usually available to ensure that upon hearing the sound of rutting you can speedily assess whether any of the parties involved is (a) known to you and/or (b) worth taking a snapshot. A cheap infrared LED array will optimise the lighting of the scene while remaining invisible to dogger and doggee.

    In these sad times, you may additionally bring a little cheer into your neighbours’ lives by emailing them the footage.

  15. Newcastle dogging community ?
    Is that The Fiddler in the photo ?
    Wearing stolen garments, purloined from washing lines ?
    Dirty boy !

  16. Fucking sex freaks, now all I need is satnav Co ordinates to the bottom of your garden, some rubber gloves and a 10 gallon hat…. Oh and a length of hose pipe….. Fucking sex freaks……. Not me

  17. People who go dogging are always fucking grim. Same as those into swinging or who go to those stupid fucking “Erotica” things at Earls Court and so on.
    Joyless, grey, grim cunts.

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