Anyone who has had the misfortune to travel by train in this country will know that it is not a pleasant experience. The crumbling network is underfunded, expensive to travel on with overcrowded, dirty and unreliable services. However, Avanti West Coast have decided that it is the perfect time to launch Britain’s first Pride train staffed by a LGBT crew.

The train emblazoned with a huge rainbow flag will leave from London Euston this morning (25th Aug) and travel up to Manchester Piccadilly. It will also have a black and brown paintwork to represent BAME communities as well as the transgender flag. Little wonder they didn’t want ‘St George “I can’t breeeve” Floyd’ immortalised on the side.

“A sign of the steps we are taking towards a more inclusive, diverse and equal society” burbled a company spokescunt. The train will also be filled with posters and literature and Pride-related onboard announcements.

Oh fuck off you woke pansies, any normal person just wants to get from A to B as quickly as possible, in comfort and for a reasonable price, not to be indoctrinated by LGBT propaganda or informed on Manchester’s cottaging hotspots. And if you’re not a Gay imagine the thought of using the toilet? You would have to hold it for three hours as the helpful staff will probably offer to shake it.

It almost makes you yearn for the good old days of being sandwiched next to the toilet following a five hour delay on a hot summer’s day, and paying an extortionate price for the privilege.

Nominated by: Liberal Liquidator

This paper, and its frankly deranged coverage of Donald Trump’s every action which they then slant negatively to the point it becomes hilarious. If Trump hosted a dinner at the White House, ate a batch of burritos and let off a titanic burp followed by a ghastly fart, some of the news outlets in the UK would report it like;

Mirror: Trump displays embarrassing behavior amid diplomatic faux pas while hosting important meeting.

Daily Mail: Melania Trump wows in new sky blue dress revealing her slimmer figure and pins after an 8 month weight loss regime.

The Independent: Donald Trump accused of cultural appropriation after eating burritos and then accused of launching a biological weapons attack after breaking wind is shown to lower the life expectancy of those in your vicinity, study reveals. Foreign diplomats said to be shocked and offended renewing calls for President Trump’s impeachment.

Anything old Dorrito Head does is spun into something extremely negative. You could make your own fucking game out of it.

“Donald Trump allocates more funding to NASA and pledges manned mission to Mars by 2030”

In the Independent, that would become “Experts fear Trump attempting to start interplanetary war after top aide reveals Trump being quoted as saying that he would bomb the shit out of those Martians” They would leave out the part where he was watching a War of the Worlds rerun.

Not fit to line my Cat’s shitbox and if the people who write for the Independent all spontaneously caught fire, I would put them out with repeated blows from a shovel.

Nominated by: Call of Cunthulu 

Paul McCartney is a cunt.

In a recent interview with GQ (you know the one, the men’s magazine that never has any women on its covers!) Macca went on about how great Black Lives Matter is.

Doesn’t the daft old sod realise that if their black marxist ‘revolution’ is ever realised his work (and the work of his fellow Beatles) will be wiped from ‘history’ a la Ninteen Eighty Four? What annoys me about this bloke is he has done the lot in his time. Yet he still desperately craves to be seen as ‘cool’ So he works with cheeseholes like Kanye West and bigs up BLM and he virtue signals at every opportunity.

His right on revisionism is also cringeworthy. For the fuckteenth time in recent years Macca bleats on about how ‘Blackbird’ is about an oppressed black woman (Lordy fuckin Mama!). Yet I have heard a radio interview from the time of The White Album’s original release, and McCartney casually says that it’s a simple Donovan inspired song about a blackbird and that there’s even a real blackbird chirping on the record. Yet for the last fifteen years or so, the man has repackaged the ditty as some sort of right on race card battle cry.

His desire to ‘outcool’ John Lennon is also still going on. In 2020 he is still – fucking still – going on about how he was the first ‘avant garde’ Beatle before Lennon was.

Seriously, who really gives a fucking shit?! Macca still does have a bug up his arse over John being seen as the most innovative and artistic member of the Beatles. And as for still moaning about ‘How Do You Sleep?’ in 2020 for GQ? Fuck me. It was a song one man wrote on the spot after provocation which Macca started (with ‘Too Many People’).

I bet he has made to order ‘answers’ for these interview things. Remind everyone about how he was the most ‘way out’ Beatle (yet he was the last one to take LSD).

Repackage ‘Blackbird’ as a late 60s ‘We Shall Overcome’ (when it wasn’t). Oh, and moan about the lyrics to ‘How Do You Sleep?’ to remind everyone how ‘ nice Macca is and how ‘nasty’ John was. It’s nearly fifty years since Lennon made that song.

So come on, Macca. Change the fucking record.

Nominated by: Norman 

I’d like to cunt this august body for cutting a plea deal with Joseph James DeAngelo (the Golden State Killer) that allowed this excrement to avoid the death sentence he so richly deserved.

Two arguments can be made as to why securing a plea of ‘guilty’ from this filth was necessary, and they are (1) to remove all possible doubt as to said guilt, and (2) to bring to a conclusion a manhunt that had already dragged on for four decades, thereby bringing some closure to the victims and their families.

Well let’s address those points, shall we?

Firstly, they had him bang to rights with DNA evidence, which is how they finally caught him, so no doubt there.

Secondly, if I were a relative of someone he’d raped and murdered, I’d be more than willing to wait through a few extra years of legal wrangling to make sure this vermin got a punishment worse than the one he actually did get, which is basically nothing harsher than having to spend the rest of his days in the equivalent of a sub-standard hotel.

They should have hung the Golden State Killer from the Golden Gate Bridge!

Nominated by: Chimp Licker

The third nom for Brady from your faithful and humble narrator, Paul Maskinback.

It is just that fucking bellend just cannot stop himself from irritating the living fuck out of me, beaming his fawning, supercilious, simpering great fizzog into my lounge via the idiot lantern.

This arsehole just can’t get on and read the news. Oh, no. Along with his centre left bumchum Peston, he needs to make the news all about ‘Tom Bradby’, his ‘opinions’, how the Orange Man is bad and how very faux fucking sincere the cunt is when he reads some newspiece about Ntembe in Africa drinking from a lake encrusted with rhino piss and mosquito spunk or if Sparkle Tits and her Cuck are given a hard ride by the meeja. His doe eyes widen and almost shed a crocodile tear.

The ultimate piss boiler is ‘Tom Bradby – No.1 confidant to Harry and Meghan’. When old Phillip eventually arranges for a tunnel prang for Little Miss Sparkle Tits, I only hope that he arranges for Mr Bradby to accidentally tumble, semi naked, from his 10th floor penthouse apartment, wearing only a pair of stockings and suspenders and a blonde wig. Oh the humiliation – I would chuckle my tits off.

Tom Bradby – you are a quadrillion cunt.

Nominated by: Paul Maskinback.