The Jobsworth Brigade

There is no doubt that the Jobsworth Brigade are enjoying a field day and are overdue for a nomination.

(Apologies if I missed an earlier one but this must be their finest hour.

“Never have so many been bossed around by so few.”)

Always assured of their own importance they are now convinced that they are saving countless lives, despite the fact that they are on minimum wage and doing a job anyone can do.

Mind you, some of these gits must surely be specially selected for their pomposity and rudeness.

I am very compliant if I’m spoken to with civility and what I’m being asked to do makes sense. But don’t talk at me as if I’m a retard.

Cunts the lot of them.

Nominated by: Lord Helpuss

69 thoughts on “The Jobsworth Brigade

  1. You cant park there!
    Have you filled in a risk assessment?
    Wheres your hi-viz?
    You cant start for another 45minutes!
    Ill phone your boss!
    Ive taken your reg!
    The police are on the way!
    Please,I cant breathe!
    Ow, your hurting me!

    • You’ve had enough to drink. Grrr!
      Lavatories are for customers only. Fine I’ll shit here.
      EFT only, no cash. Read what it says on the note cunt.
      You can only have a cracker if you’re Catholic.

    • Fortunately Miserable, I have one of those death stares that state very clearly in an unspoken fashion, that the perpetrators of such fuckwitery are about to jump straight to your last two points.

      Please,I cant breathe!
      Ow, your hurting me.

      • Easy to mistake a death-stare for constipation though.
        Offering Imodium Plus to antagonists , has got me out of a lot of scrapes , for sure.

  2. “We have been feeding the nation”

    said by an indignant supermarket checkout lady last week on Wireless 4 when complaining that, unlike NHS workers they had not been given free food an goodies.

  3. Ho ho! Good cunting. Jobsworths have had a field day during ching chong chow flu. Example:

    My mum goes to her local waste recycling site where, unbeknownst to her, they have introduced an online booking system. So the ultimate jobsworth, the council worker, turns her away even though the place is completely empty.

    And all those painted lines and footprints that assume none of us has common sense (true) but we do know what 2 metres looks like.

    • A few weeks ago, during lockdown, I went to Sainsbury’s one morning before 9am. I was told by the ‘security guard’ on the door that it was pensioners only. The place was deserted so I asked him if he had some coach parties booked. I only went to kill time before donating blood so it wasn”t as if I had a major shop planned but I still made it clear I wouldn’t be coming back, loud enough for a manager just inside to hear. The manager told the guard it wasn’t pensioners only (with an inflection that clearly said “you thick cunt”), just that they had priority, and I smiled at her as I walked away.

    • I was getting a coffee at a 7-11, bloke next to me on the two spigot coffee machine, and we’re trying to keep apart not too successfully. We get chatting “you a tradie then?”
      “Do you reckon that’s 1.5 metres?“
      He looks and considers…
      “Nah more like 1200”

  4. A few years ago I did a lot of contract work for Balfour Beatty/Electricity Alliance. They had a jumped up little Cunt of a site manager who spent his time trying to catch people out…he actually got one of my jobs stopped because I didn’t have the risk-assessment form in a laminated sleeve. He’d apparently been in the army and had a little twitchy ‘tache and an inflated idea of his own importance….Anyhow, he’d got it into his head that the nightime security lads were sleeping on the job (probably were,tbf) and so decided to try and catch one of them out. He crept across the site in the middle of the night,slunk up to the portacabin door,wrenched it open… and got punched square in the face.The security lad (another ex-squaddie) had watched the ridiculous little Cunt creeping about and just stood waiting for the door to open and Little Adolf to show his face….he got away with it too…said that he’d seen a shadowy figure and had been on the point of calling the Police when he thought that he was about to get rushed by a group of Pie-Kies who had been causing no end of bother,

    How we all laughed.

  5. We have a shit storm brewing up nicely here at the moment. Birds , a well known bread and cake chain , have sacked a manageress of their shop in Radcliffe on Trent. Her ‘crime’was to use her debit card to allow elderly customers to pay cash so as to circumvent the card only rule. Whilst she was in the wrong ,most people think that the punishment was harsh for someone with 44 years service, most of them in the same shop.
    The ‘Boycott Birds’ campaign is gathering strength.

    • Yeah, there’s nothing like management to sack somebody for helping the vulnerable in the community. I hope they go down the fucking toilet. Apart from which I don’t think she was breaking any rules. As a person she can accept anything she wants and the company can fuck off, same as if I did it on behalf of other people. The fact that she worked there is irrelevant. It wasn’t the company taking cash, it was her personally.

    • All this “not taking cash” makes about as much sense as all the other contradictory, made up on the fly bullshit perpetuating the shopping experience. The Aśda doris who’s just scanned through all your findus crispy pancakes and own-brand custard creams has already töuched what you’ve töuched then won’t be allowed to töuch a plastic tenner?
      What bollocks.

      • If you ask me, just about every rule so far has been made up by some wanker who no doubt earns 6 figures but wouldn’t have a fucking clue with a basic Airfix model. You can’t host family outside your household in your massive garden but you can meet dozens of cunts you’d rather not in a fucking park/pub/restaurant?

      • Cardholders are pretty grubby over £45, cos you can’t swipe in a lot of places, you have to insert card and key in as usual.
        Easier just to put stuff in shopping bag and walk out…allegedly.

    • Hi Admin, is there any way to get a list of words that cause moderation (beyond the obvious)? My post was the most innocent paragraph I’ve ever typed and still got moderated…can’t see a single dubious word in there!

      • Strikes me as odd that you can call somebody a cunt but God forbid you may want to mention cu-cu-mbers.

      • No one beleives that for a second Thomas.
        It no doubt contained gross slander and questionable sexual references.
        Moderation is the wages of depravity!

  6. We can’t post pics so a description will have to suffice. Someone sent me a pic of a bloke with a bib that said “Covid-19 Compliance Officer”.. oh how l laughed, but l was left with the question: is there a lower form of life? What a cunt.

  7. Changing the subject, it has come to my attention that there is a “rival” website out there calling itself Cunts Corner. Upon having a cursory inspection of said site it would seem that they devote most of their energies to slagging off this site and some of its fine membership. What a bunch of cunts.

    • I’ve just had a quick look too. Dear me, what a bunch of inelegant simpletons.
      We’re not especially erudite here, but have at least a modicum of class and manners.
      In comparison, our site would be a nice middle-class area and theirs would be a disgusting council estate.

    • Just had a quick look at Cunts Corner too.
      They all seem to be cunting each other or am I wrong?

      • I have checked out Cunts Corner a couple of times, it seems full of bad mannered idiots.
        And I used to LOVE being a Jobsworth when I was a car park attendant – “why have I got a ticket”
        “Because you parked across a fire exit and a disabled bay in your Range Rover Karen”.
        “You! You! Pay attention little Man – I am here on very important business – how you dare you give me a ticket, I demand you tear this up”!
        “No – you were deliberately blocking an emergency vehicle exit, not for the first time, and I don’t fancy telling the Family of a coronary victim they died because a damned idiot like YOU blocked the ambulance”. Followed by the glare that says “step up or fuckoff, boy”.
        Tried never to ticket works vehicles, kind of looked the other way wherever possible and had a word when they came out – (I have never seen hairy arsed builders move so fast as when they spot a car park n*zi hovering around the Transit!) – seems a bit mean whacking some poor bugger for sixty quid when they just galloped into the shop to grab something at dinner time.

      • The up market village I live in has a first class primary school which parents from far and wide wish their offspring to attend. The traffic problems at school starting and finishing time are exceeded only by those of end of term ‘do’. A cunt left his Mercedes blocking the wide drive I share with 5 neighbours so I went to the school just as the play started , halted proceedings and stated that an emergency ambulance needed to use the drive. A bit OTT perhaps but so very satisfying.

      • Cunts Corner – Name the Cunts of the World
        is a
        By Decimus November 4, 2016

        “I guess you could call it a rival site of sorts, and bearing this in mind, you’d expect it to be at least mildly entertaining.

        During one of my exiles, I considered joining up to get my cunting fix, that was until I started reading the content. Fuck me, what a load of old fucking shit. For a start, they have got a member who insists on portraying an upper class lord, and never breaks character, which involves him hilariously writing “orf” and “what what”. It seems that he’s kept this up for a number of years. The rest of their membership appears to be composed of non-entities, even less entertaining than ProfB.

        It’s a load of fucking bollocks, and if any of you have got a membership there you should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.”

        Cunting rivarly, indeed!

        Being from across the pond, I don’t have the same amount of skin in the game…’much prefer this site, however – knock offs disappoint…Always enjoy a good ol’ fight, though. Looking forward to reading jabs at these Cuum’ dumpsters.

        Horse shit!

      • It’s an American website – and can not tolerate sexual comments on Greta – even though she is above the legal age of consent in this country.

      • That’s what I saw. Cunts corner says it all. On this site we are cunters, not cunts

      • Yeah at least we’re polite to each other. Honour amongst thieves and all that…

      • So would I if I had a website. There are always enough twats that would hand over their, no doubt unearned, cash.

      • I cheerfully identify as a cunt as well. What makes this site bearable for is that we are required not to treat each other as cunts…!

    • Just had a look at a few threads. Didn’t find one funny post. Shame as I might have used it if it was decent. Not many very recent posts. Bag of wank to be honest.

  8. One of the worst aspects of jobsworthery is the sheer hypocrisy.

    I’ve never forgotten an old git of a BR ticket collector at my local station. He was all sweetness and light to the young gals “morning beautiful” (yuk) and would doff his cap to the bowler hatted city gents. When it was my turn he would bark “tiggit” with a nasty scowl on his face. Cunt.

    Pub landlords were often the same. Different rules for different customers. But more in my youth than now. The saloon bar was almost banned – “you’re in the wrong bar lads. ”

    GP receptionists are another strain of the breed. Snooty old dragons.

    • GP Receptionists?
      “What’s wrong with you”?
      “Some nosey old bitch is asking me questions instead of booking my appointment”!

      • In a booming voice say, “I say my good woman, I need a penis reduction mine is too big. It hurts the wife’s lungs when we have it away and I think I’ve got Covid 19 cough cough cough” (in her face).

      • In my local surgery you have to tell the Obergrupenfuhrer behind the reception desk what’s wrong with you. Slightly embarrassing saying its your arse grapes or a boil on your bellend. Fucking nosey jobsworth cunts.

  9. These morons would love living in the Soviet Union where they’d have even more opportunity to exercise their petty power fantasies.

  10. The weapon is the word-sharpen your vocabulary and do battle with these cunts.

    With regards to the cunt wearing a Covid compliance officer tabard, perhaps enquiring whether he realised that had spelt C-U-N-T incorrectly, inserting O-V-I-D in mistake, would have been amusing.

    Even after retirement, these cunts gainfully employ their skills as volunteers, returning officers, directing traffic at the school or church fete and the all time favourite-manning the speed gun as Speed Awareness Officers😂
    Thinking about it, they do spend an awful lot of time around schools and young “people”.😉

  11. “You can’t park your car in my front garden wall and run off”!
    “Stop shooting at me”!
    “You can’t strangle mad old Jeremy the Commie”!
    Fkin jobsworths and their silly rules – and close that bleedin’ tunnel ‘fore we all get rabies!

  12. Viz had a parking inspector who, upon clamping his own mama’s wheelchair, announced:

    “I do not make ze rules I merely ENFORCE them without imagination, compassion or humanity”.

      • Classic Mr Fox.
        The award for greatest ever Viz comic strip has to go to……”Balsa Boy”.

      • I was highly amused by “The pirates in bens pants” (…“ depending on how you look at it Ben was the luckiest or the unluckiest boy in the world. For in his underpants lodged a crew of bloodthirsty swashbuckling pirates”)

        but the funniest for me was “Driving Mr David” a once off about mice in the David Beckham’s skull running him and budgerigars in posh spices headspace running her.

      • Fucking hell Cuntfinder, made me laugh too 😀😀. When the kid took that shot at him when his nut case owner put him in the net and the football broke him into about twenty pieces.

      • Ha, ha, that was good. Putting two melons on the snow woman and a cucumber on himself for a nob.

  13. You’re right, it’s just drunken invective without any wit or elan.

    A await their guerilla shitposts with disinterest.

  14. So I visit Halifax Building Society in Diss the other day to transfer some money.
    I am greeted by a 6ft liberal-looking , failed quarter-master cunt – that asks me ‘what is the purpose of my visit today?’.
    I explain , and he says ‘ Very well , you can go in and stand on that line’ – which was all of 3ft away from me at the time.

    • Good job he was there, how on earth would you have managed without his “help”?

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