Piles (2)

Don’t continue reading if you’re about to eat! – admin

Iโ€™ve been suffering big time lately with my Plymouthโ€™s.

Every time I wipe my arse, it looks like the Japanese flag or even worse, the Chinese.

Having to push the fucking things back up your ring. Shoving the suppository up waiting for suction to do the rest. Delightful. The fuckers even wake me up in the middle of the night, throbbing like a thumb hit with a hammer. Iโ€™m actually walking like John Wayne if HE had piles.

Oh for the bliss of a clean nip after a shit, one wipe and all done.

Piles are a pile of cunt.

Nominated by: Bob Frapples

46 thoughts on “Piles (2)

  1. Looks like you’ve touched a cnuters sore spot with this one, Bob. Its suddenly gone very quiet for some reason.
    Fortunately its one of the few ailments I don’t have so I can’t speak from personal experience but understand they can be really, really painful so you have my sympathies.
    If memory serves me right I think Spike Milligan mentioned in his one of his wartime biographies that he was a sufferer. Wonder if that what drove him nuts at times?
    For any brave cnuters out there the NHS website link below seems to have a link showing what the farmers look like. I’m squeamish so can’t look (not that I want to). If anyone has a strong stomach have a gander and report back for the benefit of us all.

  2. As a sufferer too, I literally feel your pain. Luckily, they’re not flaring up today. When they do though, it’s like somebody broke some glass, heated it up, shoved it inside my ringpiece and rubbed it vigorously. It can practically make me disabled, as walking hurts and there is no way I can do any physical activity. I find cutting down on pastry and beer helps. Drinking loads of water helps and eating a banana a day definitely helps me (I found that trick on the internet).

    ‘Roid Rage’ usually flares up if I’ve had a weekend of booze and shitty food (take outs, crisps, pies etc) and not enough water, fruit, cereal and veg.

    But try the banana thingy. I don’t like bananas but I eat one every few days. Hardly get attacks now.

  3. My sympathies Bob.
    Meant to be quite painful, and literally a pain in the arse.
    Apparently you should drink more water and have more fibre in your diet.
    Beer contains both, get out for a drink!
    Take a soft cushion.

    • Might be something in the beer diet MNC, had 8 pints Saturday and no bother on Sunday with em. Hope you had a good pub session Saturday.

      • If I get pissed I usually (not always though) get an arse attack. I think dehydration is one of the ‘kickers’ to waking the grapey cunts up.

      • I get it in the hotter weather. I ain’t looking forward to more heat on the way to bring on the bubbly, ribbed anus.

  4. Absolute nightmare Bob. My commiserations. About 20 yrs ago I had one of these fuckers which literally appeared out of nowhere(!) and was thrombosed. Had to get the cunt chopped off at the hospital. What a fun day out that was.

    • I had the same mid 90’s. I was sent to hospital where a doctor basically popped it like a zit. That really fucking hurt. I had mixed feelings about the doctor being an absolutely stunning young woman with waist-length blonde hair, she didn’t exactly see my best side, or even end. Otherwise been very lucky.

  5. You have my sympathy. But it could be worse. Krav could appear behind you with a bone on.

  6. The only thing worse surely would be a prolapsed shitter altogether. Definitely do not google that one.

  7. Can’t hermeroids be surgically removed?! I’d look into that option and I’d stay away from fatty greasy foods it will only make it worse eat healthier foods and consume more fiber

    Alcohol also intensfies the pain tenfold I hear so you should give up the booze to save your donut ring from hell

  8. Puts me on mind of Nobby’s piles in viz.

    Sound like you have arse-grapes of a particularly fine vintage. You have my sympathies.

    Fart and presumably it’s like Mike Tyson and his punch bag.

  9. Painful nobby Stiles?.. dont go around to any pool parties at Michael Barrymores house, that really would tear the arse out of it, maybe a tall blonde Scandinavian woman can rim them away…

  10. If you think Chalfonts are bad try having a peri anal fissure and fistula, caused by a massive abcess. Now that makes your eyes water.

  11. In other news china heard how much we are enjoying corona my sharona virus and they are giving us the timeless classic pandemic virus the bubonic plague remember that lovely virus that killed millions of people during the 14th-16th century. Fun times ahead I’m sure…
    “everything is awesome when taking bloody hermeroids shits everything is awesome when your part of the blm antifa team everything is awesome when your living in corona virus nightmare dream”

    • Yes Mr Slapper, the fucking plague, you cunt make it up. No doubt to the split links will have PPE for that too. I bought some masks and hand sanitizer as we’re off on our holiday soon, thought we’d need it. The bastard is made in China. Cunts. Send the fucker here and then sell us the shit we need to stop it spreading. Cheeky twats.

  12. You have my sympathy Bob.

    As I have entered middle age, these fuckers have popped up, or out.

    Avoid spicy foods, chips, red meat and starch in general.

    Also avoid onion, it makes for a very acidic and painful experience when you try and crimp off one of Bungle’s fingers.

    Eat plenty of green vegetables like broccoli and fruits like bananas, mango, kiwi, oranges and anything else that will soften the blow.

    The perfect Sigmunds storm for me would be a prawn phaal, pilau rice, onion bhaji and naan bread on top of a white bread sandwich for lunch.

    You would hear the screams two postcodes away.

    You may also want to invest in flushable wet wipes that you keep in the fridge.

    Just saying. ๐Ÿ˜

  13. My commiserations on this one i’ve had the “Grapes of Wrath” several times in the past, pesky little buggers feel like you need to poke them back up with a stick whilst your arse feels like that little creep Owen Jones has been on it with a blow torch attached to his todger.

  14. Sympathy for you. I had a dose of the Rockfords years ago, I thought I was passing glass. I checked my nipsy in the mirror and nearly threw up as I saw a bunch of grapes hanging from me rusty sheriffs badge. Nasty.

  15. Aye hates piles.
    Mrs says I can’t kick her back doors in anymore due to the bastards.
    It’s a fucking tragedy.

  16. You have my sympathy. Used to suffer – felt like I had the flu.

    Fruit juice – as recommended by my doctor pal

  17. Piles are no more than bumps in the road to Black & White.

  18. Thanks to all fellow cunters who have provided sympathy and advice regarding my Nurembergs. ๐Ÿ˜€

  19. Just to add to what people might have already said Bob. The cause is mainly put down to dehydration. I find drinking water is boring so I drink a rehydrating product called ORS. It comes in the form of fruit tablets which you dissolve in water. It makes a pleasant drink unlike others which are salty. Other brands are available.
    You can buy them online/Amazon.

  20. Iv had Chalfonts once. Its a cunt. All down to diet or forcing out a turd. Or being fucked up the arse. You dont have to have it.

  21. Get yourself a โ€˜Bum Gunโ€™. Available on Amazon for less than ยฃ10 and easy to plumb in. Never have to wipe or polish ever again. A cooling jet of water gets rid of Klingons faster than Star Fleet. Feeling a bit egg bound? Simply apply the water gun to your chocolate starfish and liberate those stubborn chods! No more Tag Nut Blues with this baby! Probably the best thing to come out of Islam!

  22. I’ve been amused by the rhyming slang used by fellow cunters for your arse’s worst enemy – no, not Krav – hemorrhoids. The following cheered me up no end:
    Nobby Stiles
    Chalfont St Giles
    Plymouth Argyles
    Nuremberg trials
    Rockford files
    Although not actual rhyming slang, Grapes of Wrath is perfectly acceptable.
    I was driving in the Argyle peninsula many years ago and saw a tourist board sign for Hemorrhoid House. It was the Duke of Argyle’s place.
    Never suffered from this dreadful affliction myself, though Mrs Frenulum has occasionally.

  23. Only ever had them once. It was like being fisted by a gorilla holding a mills grenade with the pin pulled. Nasty fuckers aye.

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