Gwyneth “Sniff my Candle” Paltrow (2)

Posted on by

I see that actress, “lifestyle guru” and twat Paltrow is at it again, “challenging people’s perceptions” about, er, candles.

Cunters will no doubt recall (how could we possibly forget?) that some months back, the 47-year-old LA airhead launched a candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina”. This retails on her “Goop” website for a mere $75 a pop.

Not one to sit on her fortune (if you’ll pardon the expression), Goopy Gwyneth has followed up with a new candle entitled “This Smells Like My Orgasm”. Chirps the website, “where ‘Orgasm’ is bright, vibrant and uplifting, ‘Vagina’ is more deeply sensual, warm and seductive”.

Well, as ludicrous and pretentious as it sounds, good ol’ Gwynny has undoubtedly spotted a gap in the market, and is cashing in big time as the candles fly off the shelves. Indeed, there appears to be a waiting list; I ordered an “Orgasm” for the wife which she’s desperate to have, but I’m told that she’ll have to wait some time before it comes.

Nominated by: Ron Knee 

85 thoughts on “Gwyneth “Sniff my Candle” Paltrow (2)”

  1. Airhead she is, but she can sniff my nob if she wants. Would prefer Jennifer Lawrence to do it though.

  2. Dirty fanny obsessed old cow. She’s probably thinking that there won’t be many Hollywoke parts for Whitey in the future so she needs to branch out by flogging sex themed candles to suburban Karens. Good British entrepreneurship if you ask me.

  3. I wanted to add the witty reply “How come”, but apparently that wasnt enough of a reply. The explanation kinda ruins the joke.

    • That’s a real problem where a short answer would be funny. Why is there a minimum anyway?

  4. I know one thing, she’ll not sell many in Barnsley.
    I might make one and see if she would market it for me, it’s called “This smells like my shit”
    Only problem might be how the wax reacts to my excrement.

    • She wouldn’t sell any in Mansfield either pal 👍👍
      How’s things with Barnsley FC is it still like watching Brazil ? 👍

  5. I find the fact that this story is considered newsworthy by any section of the MSM to be the most disturbing of all, and your right Ron she’s a fucking airhead of the first water, when i take power this talk of wimminz issues would be banned, Lady Quimson would never sink to such low levels of moral turpitude!

  6. I wonder if she’d be interested in one of ‘ My Arse ‘ candles ?
    A bargain at twenty notes.
    Get To Fuck.

    • As a woke celeb who loves diversity maybe she should expand to ‘Three month unwashed burkas’, ‘Pride march assless chaps’ and ‘Glasto chemical toilet’ range.

  7. All I can say is thank fuck Diane Abbott is not a entrepreneur and lifestyle guru.

  8. I’m presuming she’s cottoned on to the fact that some people will literally buy anything and is milking it for all its worth.

    My theory is that the people who buy these candles are:
    1) bored, sleb-obsessed, rich, American housewives with too much money
    2) weird Coldplay obsessives, who fantasise about being like their idol Chris
    Martin and see this as a way to be closer to him (urgh)
    3) dirty bastards who have some sort of weird smell fetish (double urgh)
    Apparently Napoleon was into that…the pervy short-arsed bastard

    • Josephine’s 3 day stench.

      Perhaps that’s why people give me looks when I opt for the French cheeseboard over the English.

  10. I wish I could come up with an idea like this and fleece the gullible rich. Then once I’ve made my fortune call out the cunts as being gullible twats in big advertising hoardings around major cities.
    What a lark.

  11. I wonder if she actually uses her fanny as a mould ? I did read of a similar idea tried by a pair of The Gays….” a 20-year-old man – reportedly healthy and sober at the time – was hospitalised complaining of rectal pain. A digital examination revealed a stony hard mass, and the patient soon admitted he’d been fooling around with his partner and they’d decided to pour concrete mix into… you know where. The concrete was removed and the patient discharged the following day.”

      • Probably shaped more like Michael Barrymore’s forearm and fist, I suspect.

      • Too much gravel in ‘t mix I would say Sir Fiddler!
        Should have bought my patented product “Arsecrete” – guaranteed no sharp stone and very malleable!
        Well if skinny Gwynny can sell stinky fanny candles..

      • A nice self-levelling floor mix gives a smooth finish. It wouldve captured every nuance of the colon in spasm.

    • Pretty common Dick for homos and others , _ an 80 year-old guy in one case I know of -to turn up with various appendages stuffed up their fartholes in a moment of ecstasy but which refuse to come back out again. A doctor friend told me they try to cover up their arsebanditry by claiming to be constipated and ask for a strong laxative. This is a giveaway and he has their breeks down in a minute and a probe up their arses. Golf balls are apparently common.

    • I also heard about that one, aparently the alkalinity of the concrete did upset his insides some what.

  12. **** BREAKING CANDLES NEWS****

    Rumours suggest Richard Branson is all set to launch a new candle called “Smells Like My Dick Cheese”.

  13. I think it must be the wrong way around. A vag isn’t the sweetest smelling of things, as it has three emissions that would give it an aroma, piss, blood, and slut butter. Four if you count sweat from the general area. So perhaps the truth is her snatch smells of candles, probably from her constantly jamming them up her. Silly bitch, selling ridiculously priced shit to silly cunts. Sheep are there to be sheared.

      • Do you think she’ll end up selling them at a reduced price?

        Perhaps she’ll call it a ‘discunt’

      • Well your nom put me off my cream tea at 4.30. Reckon that makes us quits, eh Ron? 😁

      • Cream tea? That sounds like the biz for a summer’s afternoon. Sandwiches, scones, strawberry jam, cream, a huge pot of tea… Reminds me of Somerset summer hols as a kid so long ago.
        Sigh.

      • Oh fuck, the thought of a foetid fanny, buzzing in the morning after. I remember a guy I once worked with having an affair with one of the slappers who worked on the production lines, and she give him genital warts for his efforts. Ever the sympathetic colleagues that we were gave him the name picnic, short for picnic dick, as his warty member had the lumpy appearance of a picnic chocolate bar. Once you get a nickname like that, it follows you to the grave…

      • Once knew a stunning bird from work years back with a cheesy fanny. Pulled her on a night out (I had no idea about her fetid minge).

        I can tell you that no matter how stunning a lass may be, that a cheesy fanny is a real mood killer. I went to go down on her, she said ‘No, I don’t know you well enough’ (obviously didn’t want me to catch a whiff) and pulled my head away, but it was too late.. I got a whiff of the stilton and rotten flesh. I did my best to hide my horror, but I’m not the best of actors.

        And like a 1980s tabloid reporter, I made my excuses and left.

        But I have no doubt that some of you animals would’ve dived straight in and lapped it up like your very lives depended on it.

      • Oh mate, that’s mega rank. I have had the same experience on several occasions and I can tell you I’m still traumatized to this day. That wretched and repugnant, bitter and vile, sweaty stench that is a woman’s vagina.
        Im extra careful these days, but Im pleased to report that the last ladies pussy I indulged in recently was lovely and sweet smelling, much like the fragrance emitted from a rose on a summer’s day. Needless to say it also benefited from a formidable taste.
        I have to say Im more of a misogynist than I am a feminist, but at the end of the day I’m a man and I just can’t live without a bit of pussy every now and again. It truly is a week spot of mine.

      • there’s a bird of the feathered sort, in Orstraya, with the rather uncomfortable name “scaly thrush”.

    • Well, anyone buying them is definitely a cunt so fair play I suppose!
      Right, back to selling my “protection from flying fish roof tiles”, just need to find an thick as pigshit minted celebrity to buy them – “I say Mr Lineker”..

  16. Courageous and brave of her to let the know what her piss flaps smell like.

  18. Is the next step for Gwinny selling her used panties. But in an expensive classy way obviously.
    About $195 a pair should cover it.

    • I’ll buy a pair.
      I wonder if in about 20yrs, she’ll be flogging a ‘This Smells of My Incontinence Pad’ candle?

    • As business ideas go its not one of the best.
      Up there with Michael Barrymores snorkeling club and big Di abbotts edible lingerie.

      • ‘David Lammy Tower Block Cladding Ltd’ or ‘Giselle Maxwell Escort Services’.

  21. I’m going to create my own range of Katie Price™ vagina vagina scented candles using only the essence of scampi flavour fries.

    For the Owen Jones contingent, there is my new range titled “Jesus! That candle smells like beef and onion crisps’.

    Should do a roaring trade in Brighton.

    • Fuckin’ hell, I feel sick. I’ve just finished my pack of McCoys ridge cut steak crisps. They’re nothing but a pack of additives and preservatives. Absolute shit. I’ll burn ‘em next time.

    • Prices’ manky gadge can’t possibly smell as ‘nice’ as scampi fries. Better off letting the candles ferment in budget cat food.
      Talking of that delightful creature, she has been very active on social media, keeping her fans up to date on the failing health of her son Harvey. Not from his hospital bedside, or the same country even, as she is on holiday abroad with this weeks boyfriend. Stay classy, Katie.

  22. Save money on expensive vagina scented candles by simply placing an opened jar of fish paste on the radiator….

  23. We should open up a competing candle store. Cunty Candles? Cunt Candles? You are a fucking Cunt Candle?

    Try frum our range of artisan candles:
    Essence of Smeg
    Toenail Corner Dank
    Scratch and Sniff
    Scrotum Steak Sauce
    Clingon Discovery
    Aloe Vera Wank Tissue

  25. It’s a pity that Black & White Cunt has decided to leave this parish. I’d love his thoughts on this. Where are you, you cunt?

  26. We live in strange times, so smelly candles shouldn’t be a surprise. At the moment, I seem to be going through a ‘ mask phase ‘.
    Everywhere you go, there are ladies with these cheeky little masks on, I’ve started imagining them naked, except for the mask. I find it very stimulating, I was in Asda for four hours the other day, leering and drooling in my ‘ special forces ‘ balaclava .
    Management asked me to leave, they said that I’d been lurking in the nipple altering freezer section for far too long, and were concerned for my well being, yeah right.
    The Cunts.

    • Evening Jack, I’m glad you’ve turned mask wearing to your advantage, unlike one poster who seems to be obsessed with the disadvantages. I’m surprised management asked you to leave, as you probably fitted in well with the rest of the Widnes shoppers!
      😅

      • Lots of advantages Bertie ……. Harvest time for the Post Office robbers, ( next Wednesday, on the High Street )
        …… Peeping through the window of the blonde who lives over the back from us, preferably when foggy, adds to the
        ‘ atmosphere ‘. Pencil that one in for Autumn.
        I’m finding it most agreeable.
        Good evening.

  27. The Randy old Duke of York has jumped on the band wagon and is bringing his own scent out. It will be called (drum roll please)

    Smells like teens fear it…

    ….I’ll show myself out

  28. Let’s hope it doesn’t cat h on with others.

    ‘This smells like my arsecrack after walking up 10 flights of stairs in Vietnam at noon’ candles from Johnny Vegas might not be the best stocking filler.

    Or a tub of strong cream cheese with ‘This smells like my fanny’ from Sandi Toksvig.

  29. I bet it’s an overgrown 70’s Fanny that stinks of a shit house made out of kipper boxes.👎

  30. This nomination has put me off having my usual cup of tea and a slice of my sister Dolly’s seed cake.

    • But on the other hand some of the degenerates on this site are have their finest Saturday evening in years.

Comments are closed.