Amazon (4)

Well Amizon is due so many nominations on so many levels.
I understand the concept of second sales and retail, but fuck do they do some strange shit.
As the cunt mobile is up on bricks (Like me) I thought fuck it, a simple service, plugs oils and filters seeing as we are both doing fuck all.
Now Amazon has a “My car” setting where you tell the fucker exactly what your car is, (engine type, model, manufacture) and all well and good an array of service kits should appear, take my pick buy now option and all done.
Does it fuck, it offered me a non existent unpriced service kit, and one for a ford fiesta, lots of bulbs, a few steering wheel covers and some other non related shit.
So why the fuck? I have bothered to give them exacting information as to type of vehicle and it offers me toss, I am fully aware that even engines accross brands can use similar components, but there is no way the filter kit for 1.1 fiesta is going to fit the 2.4l cunt mobile, arse.
Now knowing amazon, it is going to start sending me those shit e-mails.
Dear Cunt, you recently browsed coffins, we were wondering if you would be interested in these?
No fuck off I bought a coffin, what do I want another one for (Coffin was proberly not the best thought of example in these current times)
Why the fuck do they do this? apart from that it is ok.

Nominated by lord benny

73 thoughts on “Amazon (4)

  1. At the very least they should thank you for all the useful marketing data they can now associate with your identity and sell on, Lord B. I’ve always been wary of using Amazon – no specific reason, just a bad smell – and have never used it. Interested to see what other cunters think.

    • Its really convenient Komodo.

      The wife snapped the shower head off the hose this morning.

      Ordered another and it is being delivered by 10pm tonight.

      Tried screwfix, but they have none available anywhere in London.

      • Aye. As much of a cunt as Amazon is, try getting a charger for an old laptop anywhere else quickly. Or a new battery.

        Got one within a few days (cheap too) and it worked perfectly.

        Great idea, but cunt of a business.
        Cunts, but convenient cunts .

  2. Had the same issue with Halfords.
    Bought the kit to sevice my car. Oil, filter, air filter, new sump washer etc.
    Problems arose after dumping the oil and removing the filter. They’d supplied the wrong filter. I phoned the store and explained my predicament, they said come down and we’ll exchange it. How the fuck am I going to do that with my car in bits?
    Online reviews said this filter absolutely will not fit the specified cars (should have checked).
    Useless cunts, but not just Amazon I’m afraid. Most car part suppliers have fuck all idea what they’re doing.

    • Amazon and Halfrauds are both cunts. Both are overpriced and fucking clueless when it comes to providing the correct components. Halfrauds are fine for expensive air fresheners, wiper blades and wax polish, but fuck all use otherwise.

      Amazon are expensive, pernicious cunts.

      My advice would be to find a friendly, reliable independent motor factor. Many of those guys know their onions and will know, say, the difference between and oil filter for a 1976 Rover 3500 SD1 and one for a 1976 Rover 3500 P6. There is a subtle difference and my local man does!

      • Started using the little local garage for parts. Pay trade price, then let them deal with any daunting/shitty jobs. Keeps the money pretty local as well.

      • Used to be a chain of shops called Motorworld till a few years ago. Got to know the manager quite well through a mate and ended up getting “mates rates”. Chap knew his stuff and never ripped anyone off.
        Engine oil priced at £30 I got for 8. And that still gave them 100% profit!!!
        Windscreen wipers from top brand a fiver for two. Again 100% profit for them and a 70% saving for me.
        Miss those type of shops with staff who know their stuff.

      • I believe Motorsave went bust quite a few years ago.
        Nothing to do with your loyalty scheme I hope…..
        Used to use them for oil and bits when I was still allowed a motorbike.

    • Try the ‘Bay’ Baron.
      Similar to Amazon, you can put in your details & add it to ‘your garage’ & then use that to filter out irrelevant stuff.

      Now in my case, they changed the Mondeo mid series, so some car take a metal oil filter & some have a housing that takes the paper filter. I had a 50/50 chance & ordered the metal one. Jacked the car up & mines a paper filter – DoH !
      Anyway, my mistake. e-mailed & said I’ve ordered the wrong one, can I order a paper one now – they sent back, no problem, we’ll post you one – no charge & don’t bother sending the metal one back, you can keep it ! – What customer service 🙂 now I tell others and recommend them – least I can do 🙂

  3. On the subject of Amazon. I mentioned the other day that I would be trying my best to avoid goods from the bat chefs.
    New sound bar just arrived today, care of Amazon.
    Emblazoned with “Best Of British & European”.
    Checked small print in the manual. Yep made in The Peoples Republic of China.
    Think my one man trade embargo is going to be fucking difficult.

    • I am awaiting a Huawei wireless dongle. No doubt about where that – and every other electronic gubbins in production – comes from! Good luck with the embargo – you may have to make your own oil lamps and washtub and communicate by semaphore…

      • You’re not joking. Was talking to my Dad, he said alot of people avoided goods from the n1ps after WW2.
        But even at their hight, they weren’t producing as much shite as the little yella fellas.
        I think most goods have at least one slanty eyed part in there somewhere.
        Going to start whittling my own soup bowls. Be ready for the starter on christmas day I reckon.

      • I lived near a Hitachi tv factory and they had a major expansion in the 80s. When they had the grand opening attended by local dignitaries and the Japanese owners, a few of the forgotten army survivors from WW2 who were lucky enough to survive fighting the japs turned up, standing in line, all silent, and when the japs walked passed, the old warriors turned to face away from them, a big insult in Japanese culture. Forgive maybe, but never forget.

      • Company I once went to for an interview. Turned out to be Jap owned.
        Actually asked as first or second question, would you have an issue working for the buggers.
        Lot of old blokes I know would refuse a lift if you had a Honda or Nissan.

      • Problem is that Honda make some of the most reliable cars and bikes on the planet. Don’t like admitting it, but it’s the truth.

  4. Lord B – You had me wandering, so i checked. The cunts do sell coffins. Be great to order three and get them delivered to door on separate days just to clear the neighbors out

  5. Amazon was all right ten or so years ago.
    Now it’s a shower of shit, no clue where owt is being sent from.
    They treat their warehouse staff like cunts.
    Unfortunately it won’t fit in the oven but a 50% tax on its global profits would help right the boat.
    The shitty rats.

  6. My issue with Amazon is the same as with all the other greedy, heartless, giant American megalomaniac corporations (ebay/google/paypal/facebook) who make billions in Britain but pay feck all tax and treat their backroom staff like slaves.

    Sadly, as with Murdoch’s Sky, the UK public have taken them to their hearts and pay an annual subscription for the privilege of buying stuff from them.

    And thus world dominance beckons for nerdy bezos and his cohorts.

    In the end everything will derive from amazon and then they will charge what they like as there will be no competition.

  7. Apparently Amazon avoid paying their taxes here and a lot of people avoid them for that reason…I did for a while but use them fairly often now. I often complain and say something’s not arrived from time to time and Amazon are very generous in their refunding, goodwill gestures etc. I like to think I am doing my bit for Britain by taxing Amazon (when it benefits me of course)
    Go fuck yourselves.

  8. Notwithstanding my aversion to the aforementioned retailers. Service Kit? Give me a fucking break. You deserve what you get If you cant be bothered to do the research and get the proper stuff. So don’t clog up this bastion of cuntery with your own ineptitude If you lay on your back I will scratch your tummy for you. Christ I need a drink.

    • I think you are missing the point, unless you have a hand built car then the reg will give both model and gearbox type that was fitted in that model.
      Failing that you need to go over the components and check specifics, axle type, gearbox, engine even down to counting the splines in the axle, I used to build off road cars.

      Remember the rules.

      • I’m confused? I thought Bald Bastard was having a pop at Lord B, hence my comment about ‘Unnecessary’, yet Lord B has a rebuke? Even Admin makes mistakes?

        I removed the lower part of his comment, it was not playing nicely.

      • I was indeed having a bit of a gentle pop at Lord B maybe it was a bit unnecessary but I had just been subjected to a Wateraid ad and I needed to vent.

        Never built an off road car.

        Built a Dutton in ’78 what a pig that was, built a Magenta in ’80 what a peach that was, restored my grandfathers Morris Minor Traveller in ’80 wrapped a Midget (boy did he complain) around a lamppost in ’89 and currently farting around in a Lomax.

  9. A leader with balls (read, one that wasn’t part of the self service clique ‘o’ cunts) would just up and tell them pay or fuck off, lose the market and any subsidiary benefits.
    Bezos, 160 billion yet treats his staff like a disposable nappy?
    Mekon looking cunt.

  10. Can’t say I’ve ever had a problem with Amazon. Sold stuff on there for about 20 years, up until about 5 years ago when selling became less convenient for reasons I forget. I only sell on eBay now.

    Still buy stuff occasionally on Amazon if I can’t get the same thing on eBay.

    And it’s the Government and UK tax law that is responsible if firms like Amazon pay less tax than we think is fair, not the firms themselves. No way I would volunteer to pay more tax than I’m legally obliged to.

    • I’ve recently drastically cut down on the amount of stuff I buy on Amazon because, without the free delivery, I can get it cheaper elsewhere. Most of the stuff is under £20 and I’m no longer falling for buying something I don’t really need, or want, just to make up the difference. The other day something I wanted was £4.99 delivery, for something that would easily fit into an envelope, and it was light too. I paid £1 more for the identical item on ebay but delivery was free.

      • Yes, the lack of free delivery on Amazon unless you spend £20 or more is another reason why I buy less from Amazon than eBay. Delivery used to be free from Amazon if you spent £5 or more.

      • Because I am considerably richer than yow, I have a Prime membership where I pay nothing for delivery and can also listen and watch Prime Music and Video.

        Not true, you still have to pay for series that are freely available on other media, you may get to watch a few AMC series but when it takes off, well you are fucked you have to pay to watch.

      • Because I am considerably richer than yow also Admin, I don’t watch such trivia and cherrypick the best from my Sky Membership. 😂😂

        valid point, however the people across the way have a walk in shower and I can see through their window, bet you can not beat that ( and it is free)

      • Evening Bertrand.

        I’m not interested in Prime Music and Video. Because I am considerably richer than yow I have hundreds of DVD boxed sets, DVDs and thousands of CDs in the Creampuff Manor library. Anyway, last time I looked Prime was only free for the first month, after which you had to buy a minimum amount of junk every month to retain free membership. Maybe that’s changed, but either way it’s for plebs as far as I’m concerned, just like rip-off Sky subscriptions. 😃

      • Ooo! Get you! I can always tell you’re angry when you call me Bertrand. 😂

      • Anyway, my dad’s bigger than your Dad! At least he was when he was alive! 😀

      • Please don’t take it personally. I seem to be angry with everyone and everything today. 🙂

      • We might have to call that one a draw!

        My Grandfather started WWII ! beat that.

  11. Their delivery drivers are cunts. If yiu don’t answer the door in a picosecond, the parcel’s left there. Well, cunt, I watched you leave it, you never put a card through the door and you roared off in your shitty van. As B&W Cunt says, they’re good at refunding so I called and asked where my parcel was? ‘Our driver delivered it’. Told them there was nothing there when I got home and my neighbours didn’t have it so the cunts refunded me as I told them to do one. I now have a lovely expensive Litmans stethascope for fuck-all. (I had me eye on my mates but the selfish cunt recovered from Covid-19 and didn’t snuff it).

    • Recovering from Covid is not something the BBC are keen to point out as an option.

      • DCI, Amazon drivers, particularly the Dooshkas, have a lot of drugs to deliver especially during the China Vilus lockdown. Whether it’s the Devil’s Lettuce or Jack & Jills, drugs delivery takes priority.

  12. Benny,

    I usually use Autocarparts, Europarts or Mopar. Shop around for the best deal if you’re not rushed.

    Even your local motor factor will be able to provide everything accurately, just from the reg number.

    I used to love servicing and maintaining my Alpine A310 myself. Some parts had to come from the local Renault dealer and others had to come from the motor factor.

    I really miss spending Saturday morning servicing the motor, then a wash, polish and wax ready for a Sunday blast around the very quiet A roads to make sure everything was tip top and working correctly.

  13. I get a lot of stuff off Amazon. I know that I could probably get things a bit cheaper if I “shopped around” on other sites,but I can’t be bothered.

    Amazon is ideal for lazy Cunts like me who hate shopping….just go to the site,make your choice,press a couple of buttons and wait for it to be delivered to your door.

    @Lord B….in much the same was as I’d have guessed that B+WC drove a BMW…for some reason I’d have guessed at you driving a Morris Minor Traveller…I’ve no idea why,but that’s how I picture you…

  14. Fuck Amazon and fuck China, mostly fuck us for buying the tacky shit that’s slowed our own industries to crash and burn

  15. I once swam the Amazon….Yes, the whole of it. Against the flow! Yes it does feel like a metaphor!!!! CUNTS!

  16. Perhaps one of the main reasons I use amazon is simply the subscribe and save option.
    I can buy a bag of a certain Yorkshire brand of Greyhound food for £25 at a certain pet superstore or get it delivered to me for £14 ditto dental chews a fuck of big bumpa pack arrives every 2 months at a fraction of the single price.
    I seem to have been subject to one personal attack on this on my perceived failure to understand automotive part numbers and torque ratios.
    Where as it was more aimed at their inapt system
    I am a cunt, but not a total cunt.

    • Ben, you buy on price, convenience and service. I buy on principle and therefore you are content with your purchase and I am bordering on mentally I’ll in a comical labyrinth that is my life.

  17. I’ve bought a load of stuff from Amazon and hardly had a problem. I wouldn’t dream of claiming something hadn’t been delivered, I’m not that hard up. But like moggie says, it’s always best to compare prices with Ebay.
    The only thing I’ve got against Amazon is that I want to buy a Philips hair clipper which should be around £40, and the only one available is being offered by some company for £190. I wanted to report the profiteering cunts to Amazon but I couldn’t find an email address to do it.

    • Never bought anything on Amazon, but the missus & daughter do, not heard any complaints, which is unusual for them!
      Have on ebay but its full of chink shite so hardly at all lately.
      To be honest I haven’t a clue if its good or not, and dont really care,
      You can buy anything you can think of online now, its a disgrace.
      Go without its character building.

      • Amazon are better than Ebay (Ebay are utter fucking thieves, tax dodging sly offshore incompetent rats, I will not cry if (hopefully when) they go to the wall – I am looking forward to the closing down sale when I will bid a minimum 99p for Rob Hattrells mansion – thieving greedy bastards!
        On other news, I am now officially a Lord – I have bought land in Scotland for tax purposes, and can now officially be called a “Laird” (“Lord” in England) – shifty brute I am!
        On other darker and more worrying news, a friend of mine from HK and a fellow member of Amnesty International has been arrested and has “disappeared”.
        I am going to “make a nuisance of myself” on this one, fucking evil gook bastards. (And that’s swearing!) 😡😡😡

    • Evening, Vernon! All fine and dandy in the Cunt household, thanks. Not afraid to say I shed a tear when shown the video of the cunt being wheeled out of the Covid ward. Shed an even bigger one when I realised I couldn’t have his stethascope😅 Don’t think he’ll be back, though. The cunt’d be insufferable, anyway.

      ‘Covid? Did I tell you about the time I had that’?

      ‘Fuck off, you boring cunt, you told me about thst, yesterday. And last week’.

      Hope all’s well with The Fox?

      • All is good DCI, but a good friend of mine has “disappeared”, one of the HK protestors, very angry – I will not stand for this, and TBH I have spent my feeble latter Years looking for a fight with the slitty eyed bat snaffling dictators.
        Got one, Ms Lamb is now aware of my disapproval, and as a good Englishman I will not tolerate impertinence from the sick man of Asia. (When a miserable bad tempered skinflint Yorkshireman says it’s time for a fight – there’s going to be trouble!)
        Hat off, sleeves rolled up – the Fox is up for a darned good rumble!
        (When am I ever not!)
        Fuck the chinks.

  18. Off topic I know but a question for fellow bikers on here. Are the astronauts on the new space ship that’s launching tonight wearing Griffin clubman helmets? One for the teen-agers 😃

    • Could be worse – could be a Boeri Sport!
      Arai for Mens machines, Bell for cycling softies such as meself!
      And don’t mention bikes – I still need (painfully) a Guzzi Le Mans 1000 (not the 850 – they be for girls!)
      And Kawasaki ZXR750’s have the stiffest rear end. No control, no feedback, but much less pogo than the venerable machine of death the Yamaha YZ490!

      • Quite a beast foxy. I’ve got a 98 thundercat and a grey import gs400, my old commuter machine.

      • Oh, and a hyosong rx125 ( don’t laugh) for playing in the olive groves.

      • The 465 was better, I once had a go on one , I remember it as being one of the most terrifying rides I’ve ever had on a motorbike.

      • My older Brother had a YZF426 (and an RMX250 for road silliness) – he used to ring me when he was at the track – I am a big (and now) chubby beast with huge leg muscles, decompressor half a turn and stamp down, and it started! (If it didn’t you risked a broken foot on kickback, I used to turn up in me nikes, no need for MX boots, the beast knew who the boss was!).
        Vicious machine, that was.

  19. If I see that Nationwide advert any more times, with that harpy with the big fucking bow in her hair and the hoop earrings saying…

    ‘How are you?, I actually mean it at the minute, because we really
    actually mean it.’

    …I’m going to take a baseball bat to my television.

  20. Amazon is what it is because we all use it. Let’s not be specious.

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