Self Barbering
Reals cunts live alone. If you have some other person who is prepared to live in your loathsome, insufferable presence, you’re hardly a true cunt. I am a cunt.
. Yet, I am also folically fortunate so whilst the economy and our liberty shrinks around us, my hair continues to flourish, with wanton disregard for the lockdown rules or forced inability to visit a barber and no “other half” to attempt a ham-fisted hacking at my greying locks.
I am aware that some of you cunts can get by with a quick wipe over with a damp cloth, or a cursory rub with some Duraglit over your sparsely populated dome but I have had to resort to drastic measures. Following this mornings self administered hackings, I have gone “full cunt”, in that not only am I one but I now also look one. I look like someone has hammered a bowler hat onto my head, then unscrewed it to remove it.
Obviously I can’t see around the back of my head (but frankly wouldn’t recognise it as mine if I could – who would FFS ? When the barber holds up the mirror to let you see the back of your head, I have always thought that could be a photo of any cunt’s head for all I know… I digress). Problems with self-barberism include clippings of hair down the krunders, random chunks of hair missing altogether, the possibility of gouging a divot in the noggin, losing an eyebrow / earlobe or two.
Any other cunts on here given it a go ?
Nominated by Cunt Reviled
I was lucky enough to get into the barber the day before lockdown kicked in. I had a couple of really luckily timed events that day, Like getting the car serviced before they shut up shop, a delivery of beer and a hair cut.
One month on and it doesn’t look like the barbers are going to be allowed to reopen until November. This could present something of a problem, considering I am now starting to resemble the singer out of Mungo Jerry.
10
I’m tempted to shave all the hair off and wear a hat, let the hair grow until I get sick of it, then repeat.
6
I’ve been doing my own hair for 20 years. A trimmer set between 3 & 9mm, depending on the weather, and I’m good to go. Doing round the back can be a bit of a faff but I just keep going at different angles and it gets it done.
11
Like peeling a spud innit Moggs?
😁
7
Pretty much but sadly with no chips at the end of it.
6
Moggie, you look so sweet with your stripy fur. Why would you cut it off? I imagine you’d look like a sphynx cat. Bless you.
2
I like a nice short back, sides and tail otherwise it gets too hot when scampering round the house. The fur gets knitted into faux cats for sad, lonely women who want to experience the feel of a cat without all that tedious feeding, brushing, cleaning the litter tray, vet bills, flea and worming pipettes, furballs, or treading on (half) mice coming down the stairs in the morning in bare feet.
3
Indeed, I invented a one-hand-all-over-thingymebob that does the job just perfick – takes a bit of getting used to as the cables from the ceiling sometimes get crossed with the balance tray behind the chair and the pulley system also turns the light off and on depending on whether I use my right or left hand – it also delivers peanut M&Ms, one at a time, in order that they can be digested within the limits of Patent1234500000h – it works!!
7
CR, how many idiots do you think that we have on this site?
4
Take the register Admin!
4
Since lockdown everyone has to do their own barnet.
I use clippers, down to the wood, but going to buy a decent razor and take it all off, completely smooth like Mandelsons arse!
Scousers will be buying home perm kits,
Essex boys streaking their own hair,
Norfolk boys cutting round the missus best pudding bowl etc
Its great!
Might go shave mine now, quick smile and nazi salute in the mirror..handsome!👍👍
18
Spot on.
Positively delightful.
2
I can live with ending up looking like an ageing hippy. What’s going to drive me mad is listening to the missus going on every half hour about not getting to the hairdressers. She had an appointment for the day after the lockdown hit, and hence never got there.
This morning I offered to clip it for her, and she looked at me as if I was barking mad. It’s going to be a long few months.
4
Just surprise her Ron, do it while shes asleep.
She’ll be thrilled in the morning when she sees her new do!
9
The things we do for love.
2
it’s a, ” cunt-mullet”.dude you so fucking rock!
1
Clippers once a week grade 1 right wing trim – do not require a mirror…i’m like fucking Bruce Lee.
10
According to “Panic Station” (i.e. Wireless 4) this morning, barbers might be forced to remain shut for six months. I assume a few foreign gentlemen barbers will get round that edict, but we are going to look like a nation of Brian May’s and Dick Branson’s at the end of that period.
8
Funnily enough a “Turkish Barbers” opened near me a couple of weeks before the shut down. Fucking bad timing but I assume the usual drug dealing is going on behind the shutters. The peacefuls never miss an opportunity to fuck up the Infidel.
15
Turkish barbers are the new McDonalds. They’re every fucking where.
How do the cunts all get in here in the first place? EU country passports presumably…
9
Just read the nom again,
Its good Cunt Reviled,
But you seem to gleefully take pleasure that some of us have gone bald!
And vainly bragged about your own Farah Fawcett locks.
Hope your curling tongues dont burn your scalp.
😁
6
Farah was alright, but overrated I thought. Always preferred Jacklyn Smith and Kate Jackson out of the ‘Angels’ myself. Then there was Cheryl Ladd and Tanya Roberts later on. Oh dear me, yes…
3
I can’t remember what channel it was on, one of those way down the list fuckers, but they had Charlie’s Angels on. I watched a couple, for nostalgia, and the horn, and was not left wanting on both counts. Jacklyn Smith was definitely my favourite. Let’s face it, Farrah was no minger by any standards, so when she is the least attractive of the cast, you know you’re on to a winner. Cheryl Ladd wasn’t half bad either, watched an entire episode transfixed by her camel toe. Better times.
3
Aw, Viv stanshall dog bless him.
Looked like me in Fiddlers cast offs in that!
In my top ten of greatest englishmen.
R.I.P.
6
Apparently a complete loony when combined with Keith Moon. What a pair of unhinged heroes.
4
Larry ‘Legs’ Smith from the Bonzos was also a Moon cohort. What have we got these days instead of great British eccentrics like Legs Smith? Cunts like Sam Smith….
6
The words ‘Sam Smith’ and ‘cunt’ go together like strawberries and cream.
That was a great cunting of it on here yesterday.
5
A piece of piss with a decent set of clippers and a mirror. Either that or get the mrs to do it. Better than paying 10 quid (a fucking tenner, mind you) for a number one from one of the many ‘Turkish Barbers’ that now infest Blighty. These cunts idea of a ‘discount’ is charging OAPs a quid lower (£9). Daylight fucking robbery and yet another English tradition on the high street usurped by foreigners.
15
Besides, who in their right mind would go into a ‘Turkish Barbers’ at a time like this anyway? Not me for starters….
5
Some of em are front businesses for laundering money for drugs.
8
Too true, Daz. And a lot of them are from the same ex arse end of the Soviet Union shitholes that the likes of the Kardashian cunts crawled out of. They call themselves ‘Turkish’ to sound more ‘exotic’ and have that ‘Arabian Nights’ vibe. I would say about only 30% of ‘Turkish Barbers’ were actually Turkish. Mind you, they’re shite either way…
11
Daz, “Some of em”?
You mean there are authentic ones?
5
Turks are cunts as well – nothing to be proud of there. They can produce some filthy women though which can be a bonus, though would not want to go through the bad ones to get the good
3
When I was at uni all those years ago, there was a Turkish bird who’d got every bloke (and half the women) in my year utterly gagging for it. Sadly I wasn’t in her league, but I reckon that jerking off at the prospect added about an inch to the length of my knob.
5
Went over there once. United vs Galatassaray 1993. Absolute cunts and utter psychos, and that was just the police. The fans were also fuckers. Coffins in the stadium, you name it. Had they not been peacefuls the cunts would have been banned. The dirty bastards shouldn’t even be in European football. Middle East shithole, that’s Turkey….
5
There’s about three of those Turkish barbers in one street near me, along with two kebab shops and a Turkish restaurant. They’re not cutting my fucking hair.
6
A man and a boy go into a barbers. The man says “you have a hair cut while I go to the supermarket”. The barber cuts the boys hair and the man doesn’t return.
The barber says “I think your dad has forgotten about you lad”
“That isn’t my dad” the boy replied “That man grabbed me on the street and said How would like a free hair cut?!”
10
I am not a bald cunt. My hair is growing like fuck and the wife is threatening to have a go at it. No fucking chance. If I choose to look like Wurzel Gummidge that’s my choice.
9
I’m barberphobic. Been four years since I darkened the barbershop door.
Lady Creampuff has finally agreed to cut my hair… but not sure I want it cut now. It’s only 4 inches off from touching my tits, doubt I’ll ever have such a magnificent mane again… Last time it was this long was 1973, ffs.
Am in a quandary.
10
A truly follicle dilemma RTCP
The only way to make an informed decision is drink plenty of alcohol……
3
Got a treat for my neighbours today, If they can annoy me and interrupt my evening kip in the chair by clapping like demented seals and banging on pan lids like mongs on crack. Then I can play Deep Purple’s ‘In Rock ‘Fireball’ and ‘Burn’ one after the other on full blast. So bollocks.
13
I was in a band last year with a cracking keyboard player who is a massive Jon Lord fan, and we had a stab at the song burn. It sounded so good, I couldn’t stop grinning the whole way through.
5
Although I am an Ian Gillan man, Burn was a great album and a superb track. Coverdale and Hughes did a good job. And Rtchie smashing fuck out of that TV camera at the California Jam. That was a proper rock band. The documentary Gettin Tighter is highly recommended. The late Jon Lord as eloquent as ever, Roger Glover is the perfect gent and Glenn Hughes comes across very well too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HO2UX78Jmk
1
Let it go RTC … let it go ….. imagine the freedom and lightness of removing the mane … the sheer ease of moving you head from side to side …. what’s the missus going to use …. hedgeclippers or a strimmer?
Lovely day for a haircut
1
this is supposed to be a reply to RTC – hurrumph!
1
Cheers LDC. I bought a set of WAHL clippers and a pair of haircutting scissors 3 years ago, but the wife point blank refused to do it then.
It’s my birthday on May the 4th (I’m 2 days older than Bliar) so might take the plunge then….
3
Ah, yes, Wahl or wail if you try to cut corners …. you’re gonna cut Bliar’s hair?? you’ll have to catch the greasepole first – hehehe
2
Started losing my hair in my mid twenties, it’s either No1 with the clippers or shaved. If I let it grow longer than a week it looks wank, at one point when I still had some on top I could grow a Krusty the Clown style.
5
If we had a ISAC meeting Sixdog itd look like a shoalin temple loads of bald fuckers!
3
Don’t fuck wida baldies, more like extras from the Wanderers…..
3
They were real Sixdog!
The Fordham Baldies were a real gang from the Bronx in the early 50s.
But they weren’t bald.
The Wanderers was a great film, one of the first ‘grownup’ films I saw.
2
Ruff, when a youth I had very long hair, my dad fuckin hated it☺
Don’t cut it if you like it,
If it gets in your way, put it up in bunches!
Thats how I like to think of you, a elderley man with schoolgirl bunches,
Opening crisps with 5in talons while stockhausen cacophony blares in the background.
4
Fuck me Miserable, you been spying on me via that little lens on my laptop again? Hope you weren’t watching Wednesday at approx 11pm….
5
I’m bordering on ( so mrs Once is reliably informing me) that I’m starting to resemble a cross between mr magica ( no idea) and ken Dodd.
Tickle me fucking pink!!!
2
I’m beginning to look like the Cousin It meets Captain Caveman.
2
On operations, we had a generator and a set of clippers and it was crew cuts all round ( I recall a call on regimental network as they tried to locate the comb from the barbers kit??).
You would imagine that it is hard to fuck up a crew cut, and it is, of course you get the errant hair that dodges the clipper and then presents its self as a personal antenna later in the day, But I foolishly allowed someone to give me the cuntyest haircut I have ever had.
Crewcut/done Neckshave/done, then the prick get’s all arty and tidy’s up shaving round my ears in wider and wider swaithes to leave an end result that looks as if I am wearing a tank crew helmet without the head set.
That was a massively cunty haircut. Fortunately I lost the lot to flash burns a while later (Lovely red face and white lines where my eyebrows used to be, but an improvement all the same)
4
Slaphead here. I just get the trimmers out and shave off the bumfluff on my head once every 2 or 3 weeks. Piece of piss, takes two minutes.
Slaphead disease is caused by having too much testosterone.
Therefore, this obviously means I’m more of a man than the ‘men’ with a full head of hair, the girly gays.
6
Well despite being in my late 50s I still have a full head of hair, albeit mostly grey now.
Up until lockdown I used to go to my local barber in Whitehaven at least once a month, primarily because if it was busy I would end up with the young trainee wench, who more often than not wore unfeasibly tight blue jeans and a clinging t-shirt, which was regrettably hidden behind an apron.
She was good at cutting hair, but pretty shite at striking up a conversation beyond social media and reality TV (not that I’m a lover of small talk anyway)
But now my missus does the honours. And again she’s good with the electric sheers but the conversation is non-existent, and her arse is almost wide enough to block out the sun!
At least it saves me £7, although to be honest ogling a nice tight jeans-clad young arse, and perhaps a hint of a camel toe is definitely worth 7 notes!
Haven’t tried DIY as I might lob off an ear or nose, being the clumsy uncoordinated cunt that I am
8
This nomination was a laugh to read.
I’ve gone the opposite way and I’m looking forward to having a glorious, flowing Kurt Russell style mullet. Might even buy a vest to go with it.
7
Snake Pliskin all the way….although Lee Van Cleef is way cooler he was a bald cunt.
3
Just a thought, if we are all returning to the 70’s, will the yoof will experience an epiphany and start appreciating/making some decent fucking music for a change? Cunts don’t know what they are missing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54H3EUAzpVg
2
Those fucking adds on YouTube make me homicidal! Why the fuck do they have to be so loud. One add is particularly vexatious, involving some cunt music and a girl getting a makeover. It makes me want to throw my phone at the wall. We only put up with it to get to the good stuff at the end!
2
I’d been giving myself a number four for twenty years, but I always had someone to do the back, which was the wife for a lot of that. When she fucked off, I started going back to the barber I used in my thirties, and treated myself to a real haircut. My hair grows like fuck, and after a certain length it’s a fucking mess, and in the morning I look like a tramp, so the clippers came out again last week. Thanks to two mirrors I even got the back sorted, so ten quid saved too.
3
Funny cunting CR and yes, I’ve given in and attempted a DIY pruning of the hair. Not the best effort and, once she’d finished laughing, Mrs K sorted it out for me. I’ll probably keep to home shearing from now on as its money saved.
8
There’s videos on YT on how to cut your own hair, for both men and women. You might as well give it a go, it grows back. No more difficult than trimming a hedge or a bonsai. If you aren’t good at that, probably best to let it grow.
I just lobbed two inches off and it turned out Ok. In my mind my hair looks lovely, in reality it’s probably Worzel Gummidge. I think I have reverse body dysphoria.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClZ5qqx6ybk
3
I did not add that YT link.
0
And I swear I put dysmorphia not dysphoria!
“Demons”, as Brian Dowling used to say.
1
I usually get my hair trimmed and my beard wet shaved completely at the barbers.
Sometimes between visiting the barber, when my beard gets a bit wild I either trim it myself so it looks tidy or I trim it shortest possible with a beard trimmer a bit like 2 day stubble.
I haven’t been able to use a razor for quite a few years now as my hands are not as steady as they used to be.
I have a clipper number 3 all over my hair. I get that done at the barbers.
I remember when I first noticed my hair had gone very thin like a monk’s hair do. I thought the barber did it on purpose when he showed me the back. “Where’s my hair gone?!”
I started losing my hair in my early 30s. When I was a child I had such thick hair.
My mother swore I wouldn’t lose my hair.
4
you don’t actually lose your hair. it just ingresses only to come out another orifice looking like party favors
1
Out with the Wahl clippers, down to the bone – the good lady hates it, says it makes me look like a psychopathic axe murderer – I accuse her of stereotyping! As I chase her about with the axe..😀👍🏃♂️
But I am now the proud possessor of a huge red Viking beard, feeling like going to Lindisfarne for a spot of pillaging!
On other news I am going to buy some grapes.
4
Same here Foxy. Missus gives me a down to the bone clippers job once every two weeks. She says I look a bit National Front, Combat 18 et al….I agree and fucking love it. Just before all this shit there was talk of a topless barber’s opening in Plymouth not far from me so sadly missed out on that one now for the time being. Did ask the missus to do it with her tits out and even offered her a tenner maybe twenty for a happy ending…told me to fuck off the cunt.
6
WCC, if they were topless at the barbers where I go, I imagine their chests would be hairy.
3
To be fair Spoony there would be topless barbers and there would be topless barbers. For example my daughter’s best mate has just qualified and I’d probably give up my life savings for a look at her sweet tits. Then there’s the sixty year old hag who did my hair last time and she made Bella Emberg look like fucking Bella Hadid (look her up if unsure). Fucking old pig!
4
Just had Mrs Buttocks give me a ‘buzz cut’! Haven’t had one of them since basic training! A bit of a let down as not once did she ask me where I was going in my holidays, or offer me something ‘for the weekend!’ She did however ask if I wanted something on it? I said ‘yes, stick one of your sanitary towels on it would you?’ She said ‘Why, I haven’t cut you anywhere!’ I said ‘No, but you’ve made me look a right cunt!‘
9
I always have a one all over Green Street style haircut at the barbers anyway so it isn’t really a problem for me. Only problem is doing the back which I get a relative to help me with.
1
Sounds like we’re mostly bald bastards on here!
But to me its a affliction not a choice, if I had a choice id have a lovely greasy Bryan Ferry quiff!
Not by choice I look like a fuckin cueball.
2
You could get a wig Miserable. It might confuse the curtain twitchers into thinking why Bryan Ferry is leaving your house.
1
Hehehe!
Cuntologist I look enough of a oddball as it is without wearing a syrup as well.
😁
2
Put it this way MNC – if I didn’t do that then I would end up looking like an unkempt hobo. On the rare occasions I’ve let it grow out till summer before I’ve felt like the sun has taken up residency on my head.
2
This guy does a great Bryan Ferry impression .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQ_UppAktF8
2
Hahaha! Thats fuckin ace Harold!
Watched it twice!👍👍😁😁
1
I am also a cunt. I live alone and social isolation would be my default mode if it did not mean that all my fucking horrible neighbours were not also at home all the fucking time. In the course of my lifelong reclusion I have learned to use a set of electric clippers and the little plastic guides that came with it to produce a fair approximation to a decent haircut. Dunno what the fuss is about.
3
I’d like recommendations from cunters who do their own, what are the best clippers to buy, and which give the most options as far as length of hair remaining? I don’t want a skinhead but if I don’t do something soon I’m going to end up looking like Phil May of the Pretty Things.
2
Get some Wahl ones Allan – they do the job well and last forever, need a tiny drop of oil on the cutting surfaces before use (wipe the excess off before you begin!), they have plastic guards for various length and a lever to bring the cutting surfaces right together for that “N*zi entering Poland look” with all the guards off! 👍😀
2
“Nazi entering Poland”..😁👍
Thats the look im after!!
2
one of those old school flowbees would be excellent. no blades to dull or damage, cause face it, if you drop your clippers half way through the cunting you will have rendered a cunt- mullet!
1