Lockdown Dog Days
‘Well it’s debts and taxes, and pains and woes
Aches and miseries, that’s how it goes
And now I’m getting a cold in the nose
Life gets tedious, don’t it?’
So sang Tex Williams back in the 40s, but as legendary radio show host Seamus Android (of ‘Round the Horne’ fame) would have put it, ‘how true those words are, even today’.
I don’t know about you guys out in IsACland, but it’s getting so that I can barely contain my apathy in these lockdown dog days, listening to the clock ticking and dreading the moment when the lurgy might strike. It’s a bit like the old adage about war, I suppose; it’s long periods of boredom punctuated by moments of terror.
I lounged in bed this morning, letting my anticipation build to fever pitch at the prospect of a shave. When I was seeing how long I could make my breakfast coffee last, the phone rang. Oh the buzz, but it was just some old dear who’d dialled the wrong number. That could well have been my excitement quota for the day, but then the postman arrived. What had he brought us to lighten the spirits? Why, a letter from the building society telling us that they’ve slashed the interest rates on our ISAs, the cunts.
But there was always the prospect of some stimulating conversation from ‘Er Indoors; I could easily stand to hear again about how my little princess can’t get out to the hairdressers. Of course she needs to go shopping for new shoes, but tragically that’s out too. She’ll just have to make do with one of the thirty-odd pairs that are stacked up in the bedroom cupboard. We’ve all got to make sacrifices in these trying times.
Naturally enough, she’s busy finding things to occupy me. Apparently ‘the Devil makes work for idle hands’, so I could do some of the things I’m always talking about doing, by which she means some of the things SHE’S always talking about me doing. Clean out the loft, dear? I’ll think about making a start…
Tell you what my little flower, why don’t YOU make yourself useful? You could get in the kitchen and make some lasagne for tea, and dig out a bottle of Pinot. While you’re at it, you can be thinking about providing some soldier’s comforts later, to bolster flagging morale about the place. Meanwhile, I’ll have a walk down the front garden and watch the sagebrush blowing down the street. I might even spot a curfew breaker that could be grassed up to the rozzers for the guilty pleasure that would offer. Then I’ll come back and dig out a film. ‘The Longest Day’ might be appropriate, or perhaps ‘The Great Escape’ could give us a few ideas.
Oh for fuck’s sake, an e-mail’s arrived from our daughter. ‘Dad, I’m not feeling well; dry cough and breathlessness, and feeling exhausted. I think I’ve got it. Kids missing you and mum terribly’. Christ on a bike, where’s my Glenfiddich? Lockdown dog days, let the good times roll.
Nominated by Ron Knee
All Mrs. Boggs is worried about is the prospect that her soaps will run out of pre-recorded episodes – just imagine life with Coronation Street and Eastenders – oh and Emmerdale Farm too, but the latter must be the worst, the most God awful boring load of shit on TV.
I must admit I had to go out yesterday morning and some cunt instead of leaving a row of seats between u went and sat in the one immediatelyt in front of me. He was a supermarket worker and knowing the shit wages they get paid, I hope he was really well, and not ill but just going in for another days pay
i am lucky I don’t get bored I have the shed and the garden, as long as I avoid most of Wireless 4 I am fine, but if you want to loose the will to live just tune in there at 1830 tonight for The News Quiz. If you miss it then you have another chance to improve your aim at 1230 tomorrow.
10
I had a conversation about the ‘soaps’ with a friend last night (oh what we’re reduced to). He and his other half are avid ‘Corrie’ and EE fans, and are anxiously waiting to find out whether they’ll introduce any C-19 storylines in, or just pretend that it’s never happened.
Fucking hell, is it possible to make EE any more fucking miserable than it already is? I think it might be.
7
I haven’t watched it since Benny and Miss Diane were on…cunts
5
That was Crossroads. As I recall, even that was better than what todays soaps dish up – a constant round of crime, affairs, murder and bumfuckery. It used to be on early evening when I got home from work, and Mrs. B could still cook as well as watch TV
5
Crossroads was Chekovian compared to Hollyoaks.
I simply cannot find the words to describe how bad it is.
The funniest character for me is a tattooed bleached blond former drug dealer now catholic priest. I have never heard him offer spiritual guidance or do his morning office.
Trannies, gays, mass murderers, characters converting to Islam. And that is just one episode.
It is so preposterous. And yet people watch it.
There’s a hash tag beneath the credits now-
#don’tfilterfeelings
We could use that for ISAC.
10
Tremendous cunting,thanks Ron.
I got the Mrs to touch up all the missing cement on the patio while I went for a country walk.
I’m back at work now so fuck knows what the lass is up to presently.
I hope she put some lager in the fridge.
Fly away Bat Flu,go back to your master,The Yellow Peril and his devious minions.
Cunts.
11
Thanks Unk.
Good to see that you’ve got all the domestic chores in hand!
4
Can’t get any viagra anywhere.
Fed up with this cockdown.
14
Ron, the picture, I hope it’s not snowing where you are.
Keep yourself busy, and keep your chin up, bottom up, and your upper lip stiff and British.
The same to all the other members here of ISAC website. The admins as well. 🙂
12
The Admins have a secret glee pub in the basement of ISAC Towers, where all sorts of lewd and questionable activities go on 24/7.
6
Fetergraafhs?
2
Hear hear!
Well said, Spoons.
2
In the garden or sorting out people’s computer problems remotely from home. So I never get chance to reflect on the tedium of lockdown.
And about the banks – they’re always quick enough to cut interest rates on savings but never fucking credit cards, especially in these financially desperate times for the working plebs on furlough or recently redundant.
7
I don’t understand why this fuckin’ virus is referred to as a ‘pan’demic.
As it originated in Rinky Dink Land, wouldn’t it be better referring to it as a ‘Wok’demic ©️because it led to a Wokdown? ©️
©️ BB 2020
11
You’re back Bertie! Phew. Miserable can rest easy again…
4
Afternoon Ruff one. What has he said?
I’ve been busy at Warrington Hospital the last few days using my considerable technology skills in making those fantastic black boxes that avoid having to put people on ventilators. Since using them, I think they’ve prevented deaths of anyone whose used them and shortened their illness. I feel so proud that the idea was developed in my home town!
8
Blunty!
You selfish old git!
Weve had dogs sniffing woodland, divers in the rivers and Fiddler and Ruff paid for3 thousand missing posters!
Glad your ok though.
If I had hair it’d be grey with worry due to you.
5
Ahhh! It’s nice to know you care Miserable!
Are you fully back at work? It won’t jeopardise your chances of receiving something from this govt. scheme will it? Tell me to fuck off if I’m being too nosy.
5
Fuck off dont be so nosey.
5
Good God Bertie – you’re a hero! 👏
Seriously, well done old chap. Respeck! Unless it’s another one of your little jokes… never can tell with you.
Miserable left a post expressing slight concern about your recent absence.
Don’t think I’ll be needing one of those black boxes. Me and Lady Creampuff will be following Trump’s advice and injecting ourselves with disinfectant. 😊
6
No, I kid you not. Fantastic team have converted the type of box that’s used to treat sleep apnea. A mask has been modified to introduce oxygen with it and so there’s nothing invasive about the whole thing. A couple who came in a few days ago nearly at deaths door, have been allowed home.
8
Do you get to wear PPE where you’re working? What sort of environment is it where you work?
2
Ruff – I might have been slightly exaggerating about my involvement in it but the story itself is true!!
2
Saw this on news Bertie!
Cant beat british ingenuity and northern workmanship.👍
No to your very nosey question, im offering a slimmed down service, done a few jobs but not like normal working every day.
Won’t effect my goverment grant which is good as ive lost a few grand due to lockdown.
Work on getting a California tan instead.
3
I am thinking of an injection of 10ml Jeyes fluid mixed with 20ml dettol, I just need to find a junkie who can let me have a loan of a needle.
I don’t have symptoms but it pays to take precautions.
5
Wise beyond your years, Mr Sick. 😂
3
Welcome back Bertie!
4
Greetings Ron. Great nom to come back to.
3
Bloody hell, Mr. Sick !
Sounds like a historic news report – “The King’s life is moving peacefully towards its close.”
As it would be, after one shot of morphine, and one of cocaine directly into the jugular…
3
I got that same letter from the bank yesterday. Interest rate cut from 1% to 0.1%. May as well go and spunk the lot on beer and fags, which seems like a far sounder investment in the short term.
5
Just had to break the news to my nan that my grandad has overdosed on Viagra.
She’s taken it very hard….
18
Did the pharmacist cock up the dose?
6
Good nom as always Ron!👍
Ive got into the stride of this lockdown now, like being in North Korea!
State controls everything, people grassing up neighbours, a leader whos reportedly ill possibly dead you never see.
I’ve just ignored it, go out where an when I want.
11
Boris and his bunch are just a load of bell ends.
Leave people like Whitty and Hand on my cock in charge while he gets wanked off by immigrant nurses.
It it wasn’t so sad I would cry.
6
North Korea’s been very, very lucky apparently. According to NK state broadcasting, they haven’t had a single case of C-19.
The lockdown there just continues as the normal state of things in that bopping’ burg.
7
JR, you’re the gags man!
3
Good cunting Ron you just got to turn that frown upside down for your sadsack family.
Can’t believe how many are sad and depressed during this wuflu pandemic. And thats the problem people got to look at this as a fundemic not a pandemic stop calling it a pandemic ffs thats fucking depressing shit if you look at it with apocalyptic eyes like its the endtimes
5
Thanks TS.
Seering all the reports about people getting depression or even topping themselves makes me wonder how on earth the country got through five and a half years of war. And my grandad used to say it was the best time of his life!
9
It’s the isolation, social distancing, boredom and fear for one’s job that’s causing all the depression and low morale with this pandemic. The opposite happened during the war years, people socialised a lot more, fully employed and there was also an element of excitement totally lacking with this Coronavirus shite.
15
I agree Ruff.
We do need a good war to cheer us all up!😬😬🇬🇧
8
Spot on, RTC.
My bastards took more than ELEVEN feckin months to recruit me, and now GP has signed me off, as I am on the point of going off like a feckin Tsar Bomb…anger management issues, as LD started BEFORE I started god-awful on the job training. The trainers are doing their very best, but the internet just isn’t up to it. Any time from 14h30 seems a b. nightmare.
Just as well I don’t know where recruitment mongs lurk, as I would introduce tham to the ancient and honourable Bohemian/Czecho art of defenestration.
Dozy shitbags.
5
Yeah imagine getting to fly a Spitfire. I’d give my right arm for the chance.
4
I’d give my two left legs for a hurricane
2
They’ve just finished a two seat conversion of a hurricane. Looking at about three grand for a flight in it. Another one for the bucket list, which in the U.K. alone has spitfire, mustang, ME109 and now the hurricane.
2
I’ve just completed a story outline. Now I have to write the thing.
5
I might try and get back to my novel…the heroine gives me the right ‘orn.
Carry on Scribbling, Cunto. If Jeffrey Archer can get published (tho I have long suspected his missus writes them), we can.
4
Jeffrey Archer. It’s about time that wankstain got a doing on here again.
3
Ricky Gervais said he read one of those how to write a novel books when he was 17. The book warned to never swear or talk about the weather in the opening lines. Gervais now wants to write a novel that starts ‘It was raining like a cunt’…
5
Lockdown dog days?! more like fundemic lockdown hall days https://youtu.be/n1TNLU-ydLA
Keep the party going, this lockdown will be over before you know it. Just keep your alcohol use down, ration it for emergencies only. Smoke pot to passtime and to defeat boredom easy peasy lemon squeezey
5
Today I woke up. Then decided I needed a new haircut. Luckily the Mrs is a professional so I got a great cut and a blowjob. Mooch around for a while. Go and buy dinner . Bit of Netflix( fuck the BBC) cook dinner, get pissed go to bed. Isn’t this heaven? It’s going to be fookin difficult to get the fuckers back to work. I’m opening up on the 8th with all protective procedures known to man . That is all.
5
Not made that much difference to me. Still have my walk in the spring countryside. Brewing, baking, cooking and reading. Having to keep family at arms length is a bugger and I miss my Sunday IPA and enormous haddock at the pub. The haddock is food by the way and not a dodgy euphemism.
And there’s always you bunch of degenerates and preverts to cheer me up.
9
Feel sorry for the pubs, be a lot less when they open up again.
But cant wait for that first pint in our regular, getting a bit tearful thinking about it.
8
You’ll cry like a baby when that pint costs a tenner to cover the losses the brewery sustained.
4
If you’d said pollock no explanation would be necessary
0
Some days I’m upbeat and optimistic and some days life is a struggle and I’d happily wipe out most of humanity with a press of a button.
I’m probably retired now, coming up on 54, chances of being employed in a world with so many graduate IT people fighting for work older more experienced people are less desirable and a lot of what we know doesn’t fit into the cloud support model.
Fuck it, I’ll make do, I’ll roll with it and deal with shit because sooner or later there’s always another pile of shit coming.
As for Mrs Ron, it’s a woman thing, they love the sound of their own voices and love suggesting jobs for men folk to do. Do you think it’s coincidental that women got the vote last and that since they have been able to
Vote the decline in society has accelerated, there’s a correlation I’m sure.
This is a temporary phase, we are not the first generation to live through interesting times, we won’t be the last.
8
You’re right Sixdog; the wife just loves to yak. I’d be lost without her tho, she’s my rock, Gawd bless ‘er.
2
I am lucky in that I live just next to a nature reserve, I go shopping in the day, cycling on a night (I can get up to 16 miles in the allocated hour – might get machine gunned if I go over!) and walk round the nature reserve before I go to bed – I am not made for house arrest!
In further news I hit my head on a light switch doing DIY, so punched it brutally in a fit of childish temper, and now need a new one!
(It was a most painful impact!)
6
I know what this lockdown has done, is made all the drug dealers come out the woodwork. Or possibly I’m seeing it more often because there’s less people about.
Anyway, what’s getting me through this without cracking up is :
1. ISAC
2. Bombay Sapphire Gin (with Coke/Lime/Ice)
3. Weed (no, I’m not a ‘stoner’)
4. Porn.
5. Thai Food
6. My dog
5
Useful 3D, very useful.
What’s getting me through it (in no particular order) is;
IsAC
Glenfiddich
Boxed sets
Working in the garden
Seeing the grandkids on link
xhamster
sex
sex sex
sex sex sex
(the wife’s always been a bit of a goer)
5
Well she sometimes “goes”, yes.
1
Coke lime and gin? I have to say thats kind of a weird combo 3D but i can’t knock it because I haven’t tried it
I got Bombay sapphire too but i got the east London one with 3 percent more alcohol. I have had many cuba libres over the years with rum or whisky but never gin I got better cocktail mixes for that.
I can’t disagree with the rest of the list all favourites of mine too but i’d replace dog with the birds miss hearing them from when i lived in the country especially mr woodpecker
3
Tonic, lime and gin hits the mark for me, but I’ll have to give it a go with coke as well. Never thought of that combo before!
Know what you mean about the birdsong TS.
We’re lucky enough to have a decent size garden and we’ve got all sorts giving it out; robins, wrens, blackbirds, thrushes, chaffs… We love to sit out there about five with a drink and listen to them. It’s really relaxing and it lifts the spirits.
4
Yep I agree birdsong is absolutely delightful Ron its the main thing I miss about living in the country, some people get annoyed by it but not me. On a bad day I’d get annoyed sometimes the birdsong was so loud it woke me up but 80% the time it had a calming effect on me
Lots of different birds where I lived titbirds,red robins, bluejays,owls and crows etc. I also miss hearing the swaying of the trees, on windy days you can hear the two in unison with the birdsong and it was the most fucking relaxing thing ever, the loud anxiety induced sounds of the city definitely don’t compare
I love gin and tonics too Ron but my mainstay gin cocktails are usually dubonnet, salty dogs (grapefruit juice)
1
Hey TitSlapper, it sounds weird, but it’s delicious. give it a go sometime, it might surprise you.
I live near a park, so birdsong is pretty much constant, especially Wood Pidgeons (wannabe owls) fucking noisy bastards…
0
Nice list RK, I like a whiskey sour every now and again, but can’t take it neat I’m afraid.
Sex, what’s that ? hardly ever see my wife, so I’m afraid it’s the 5 finger shuffle for me.
0