Spiders

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I want to nominate Spiders!

It’s that time of year again when these big, hairy, eight-legged, multi-eyed, devious cunts start to look for warmer areas to shack up in time for the cold winter months…and those particular areas are the rooms in your abode!

Already I have had to kick out about ten massive fucking house spiders from my bedrooms and living rooms, but those are the ones I know about purely because you can’t miss the fat cunts hanging off of your walls or curtains. But for every one you see and eject, there’s probably another three or four that evade your watchful gaze and hide in places you least suspect.

And of course there was a time when you only had a handful of indigenous spiders to contend with in the UK (most of them relatively harmless). But now we seemingly have open borders from around the globe with more or less every spider under the sun has managed to scurry its way into this country in a lorry, boat or hanging on the underside of a Eurostar train (sound familiar?)

So when you see a spider these days you can never be sure if its safe or dangerous. So instead you just kick the shit out of it just to be sure. But they keep on coming in, invading your home, making you feel uneasy of a night time as you wait for the dark hairy cunt to stab you with its massive fangs!

No doubt the libtards will decree it will be a hate crime if you diss spiders, especially transgender dark key, lezzer spiders with Aspergers!

Creepy cunts!

Nominated by Technocunt

110 thoughts on “Spiders”

  2. If you’re looking for pointers on how to keep spiders from coming into your house there’s some useful tips on the web….

  3. Coming from the land of too many bugs(all year round), I gladly let the Daddy long legs species of spider free reign in my house. They eat flies, mozzies, silverfish, small roaches ect. Though their venom is quite toxic, but only affects thin skinned animals such as cats and I wouldn’t want a fucking cat in my house, so no problems.
    Outside is every other spiders realm, so I leave them be.

  4. Rather spiders than flies.

    Nasty, grubby, parasitic, unclean, filthy, annoying black bastards.

    • Is there anything in this country that hasn’t been made worse by these invading sub-arachnid scum? Fuck off back to wherever the fuck it is you stupid, lazy, raping spiders come from and let British homes have British spiders!

  6. Yeah big fan also!
    They kill the syrian immigrants of bugs, flies!
    Never harm them, and we have some whoppers here, encourage them almost,
    ‘Hey come on in, like the hair, looking good!
    One of gods marvels, and if like Peter Parker a radioactive one bites you?
    ….well your gonna have fun!

    • Totally agree MNC.
      I’ve got all the time in the world for my spider lodgers. Mrs freaks out when she sees one but she doesn’t eat flies so fuck her.
      At my old house I had a massive. House spider that used to do a circuit of the living room every evening then wander off before disappearing under the cooker.
      I used to go apeshit if anyone threatened to squidge him.

      • Evening Cuntsville!
        Yeah we’ve got one that walks into living room about 9pm, ‘evening!’
        Would never harm it, even the akita just watches it pass, big fucker!
        Mrs Miserable thinks its endearing and cute id not hurt gods creatures!
        That doesnt apply to immigrants though, not as tolerant or gentle!😀

    • Spiders are great, they are probably the nicest insect you could ever meet. I lived in NZ for a while and had experience with Huntsman spiders, fucking scary when you don’t expect the thing to be within a metre of you without an invitation. As big as your fucking head. Spiders are great. Politicians are fucking cunts, them slimy fucking insects will trap you in a web, then slowly eat you alive.
      Cunts

  7. My problem with spiders is an indirect one. The wife’s terrified of the wee fuckers, they give her the screaming habdabs, so I’m forever having to chase them around and throw them out. Well, that’s gender equality for you…

      • I did indeed Bertie old son; somebody posted it before (yourself?). It’s a cracker.
        I e-mailed to the missus, whose response was ‘well, I suppose you think that’s funny, you beast’.
        Now I’ve got to ‘make it up’ to her. She did psychology at uni.
        I don’t stand a chance against the little minx, bless her.

      • It looks alarmingly like our Romanian lodger, Soap-Dodger.

        At least now the Mexican arse-bandit’s left, I don’t have to dig nuggets out of the plughole…

        I’ve had four early morning visitations from earwigs.

    • Fucking right Ron – nowt wrong with spiders. Wives are the problem. And girlfriends obviously.

  8. My old Nan used to say If you want to live and thrive let a spider run alive
    It’s the foreign ones that have drifted in that are the problem Like all foreigners they never know when to fuck off back to where they came from .

  9. Spiders don’t bother me, unless they’re the type that wear thin waterproof jackets.
    Anoraknophobia….

  10. Excellent nomination.

    Have always hated spiders, especially the large house variety.

    Remember once when a teenager, sleeping wearing pants only, waking up to find I had I has slept on one of the largest sliders I have ever seen in the UK. Spider against bare skin.

    Totally freaked me out,

    Whoever says spiders are more frightened of us than we are of them doesn’t know what we are talking about.

      • A spider fell on Sean Connery and bit him.

        He told his doctor, “I have only my shelf to blame”

      • Come to think Bertie I seem to remember James was once in a situation where a tarantula was crawling up his arm. What would Percy do I wonder? Perched on your shoulder? Flight or fight?

      • Evening Miles. Definitely flight if it was my shoulder. A serious enquiry – how is your sister now?

      • She’s kinda alright Bertie. Never good. Trying to get her away to Spain for a month. Trouble is the travelling. She was taken off a flight once (she had muscle- spasm fit). The last time she flew back she went straight into hospital. But she’s desperate to get away. She revives a little in that climate. It is. a. cunt Bertie. You know anyone with it?

      • No,Miles. It’s just that I remember you mentioning it a while back and you were quite rightly concerned.

  11. Can’t really get on board with this cunting.

    I have no problem with spiders or most creepy crawly things. Flies I cannot fucking stand as they are just so irritating. especially when trying to cook dinner and the fuckers land on the food….GROSS.

    BUT!! I never kill ’em. As irritating as the little assholes are, I just don’t have the heart. I trap them in a glass and a bit of paper then chuck ’em outside. Granted, it can take fucking forever to trap a fly and ends up being like a bloody task in that shit arse show ‘The Cube’, but I persevere and do it.

    Spiders are no issue for me. They are more scared of us and just scuttle away, bless ’em, but if we are talking about big fuck off Australian sized cunts then yes, THOSE I have an issue with (Thankfully not very common in N.W.London.)

    • Quite so Nurse.

      Flies are the only living things I kill without compunction. It’s a matter of self defence cos they have shit on their feet and tend to land on your food.

      Will usually give them a chance to fly out a window held open for them though, but they’re usually too thick to go for it, my patience is not inexhaustible.

      Spiders on the other hand are cool.

      • Flies and wasps for me Rtc, im Hitler with them.
        Spiders im st francis.
        Oh and not fond of rats, but dont meet em much so maybe theyre ok once you get to know them over a drink.

      • Wasps are cunts Miserable, once got stung on the tongue after one crawled inside a can of lemonade I had left open then took a swig.

      • Hate rats Mnc but can’t help feeling sorry for them. Dog gave those cunts a raw deal imo. Chances are I’ll be reincarnated as a rat. Or a starving child in Africa.

        @ LL – 😂

      • I killed one by accident once at work Rtc!
        Load of binbags outside, on a site i was on, one moved when i touched it and i lashed out with a shovel, binbag spilled open, big rat freshly cut in half!
        Felt bit guilty,at night used to see their eyes through the window glinting red.
        By site mean worksite not gyppo camp, by the way.

      • Rats just seems to breed and eat so not all bad Creampuff. My Chinese zodiac animal is a mighty rooster so I might be reincarnated as that and piss off the neighbours.

      • Evening LL, yeah theyre bleeding puddled, totally unprovoked attacks,
        This time of year just before they die off theyre dodgy, sting yer soon as look at yer!
        Glad they cant lift a gun! 🔫💥

      • It’s Nurse Cunty !! Quick, clench your buttocks !

        Btw, horseflies are cunts.
        In Fr-speaking Switzerland, they were “taon”, which sounds v like “thon”, which is tuna. I have never been bitten by the latter, but something got to me in a bath in Bonar Bridge, and it wasn’t a midge, or even a midget.

      • Sorry pal, was slightly disgusted myself, just reacted in panic.
        Go back few noms, have a hand shandy over katie price!
        Shes every mans fantasy, shy demure,
        Sophisticated, full package!
        You wouldnt have to adopt Harvey ..

  12. Fuck me what a bunch of softshite cunts we have posting about hating/ scared of spiders.Grow a pair of balls will yer,seems like all the people you have cunted only need to carry a spider and you’ll all run off shitting yourselves..
    Gobshites

  13. I like spiders. They get rid of flies and also help catch aphids when the ladybirds have had their fill of them.

    Did I tell you about Shirley?

    Also, I saw this, it made me laugh
    http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/spider_selfie1378.htm

    I also saw this
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=z8tlZJeiaMY
    Does anyone know why it does that?
    I saw the same video but with samba music lol.

    P.s I rember I found some spiders when in the woods. I was curious about them. He told me that those particular ones are called wolf spiders. I asked why.
    He said because they always go about in packs…and if you get up close enough, you might hear them howling or woofing.
    I believed him about that last bit. Cheeky bugger! :-p

    • I can’t say I know but it seems the spider is trying to pickup a chick or maybe picking a stoush

    • Actually full name is wolf whistle spiders, can put 2 legs between their fangs and whistle at sexy ladies.
      Come out in summer same as mini skirts.

  14. I don’t like spiders but hey, they keep the fly population down – and I like those filthy cunts even less.

  15. One ran across the rest room at the station. Cunt was so fucking big I thought it was a fucking mouse!! I swear it had tattoos! I exterminated it, quickly under my size ten master-key and my crew-mate remonstrated so I told him to fuck off and get the de-fib off the truck if he felt that strongly about it…. Creepy fuckers. (Spiders, not crew-mates).

      • I fucking hate most things with more legs than me. Come to think of it, I’m not too partial on most things with the same amount of legs as me… Too many years of Public Service. Started out young and full of dreams….

  16. I have the dire misfortune of having a Scouse couple living next-door-but-one. Both of the barely-understandable cunts are terrified of spiders. Despite innumerable requests from myself, they simply refuse to fuck off back through the Mersey tunnel and leave the house to the infinitely preferable spiders.

  17. Another fake Conservative just defected to the LibDumps. Sam Gyimah.

    Probably cos he is black.

      • Good. Another traitor cunt gone to the fascist side. Good riddance shitcunt. I saw a clip of the turncoat being introduced at their poxy conference. It was like one of those crazy Yank church thingies with everyone screaming and yelling. I’m sure his constituents will be screaming and yelling too. Words like cunt for example, and bag of shit.

    • From Ghana, second only to Nigeria for its output of self-obsessed cunts. A most unpleasant piece of work, and his treachery is nothing new. I hope the LimpDumbs trust him and promote him, because he’s a walking political disaster.

  18. London’s first Trans Pride support ‘overwhelming’.

    For fuck sake.

    So bored with these self promoting freaks.

  19. I eject most spiders humanely, including the Greater Bathspider (this is apparently just as fatal as squashing them, but I don’t want them joining me in bed). I actually like wolf spiders.
    But I cannot fucking stand the daddylonglegs (or cellar) spider, whose webs are random tangles of dirty grey fluff and which do a trampoline act when you try to catch them. So, like houseflies, they get zapped by the Exterminator Pro. Unlike houseflies, bluebottles and big black bastard flies will always head for the lightest part of a room, so opening the window is the answer to those. Mosquitoes are the biggest cunts of all, IMO.

    • Evening Komodo!
      Dont know why but mosquitoes horseflies, any sort of little blood sucking bitey fucker go crazy for my blood.
      Got eaten alive in Greece, they get
      Beatlemania for me, wonder why?
      Pheromones? Rare vintage?
      Dont drain the missus but she has vitamin B12 deficiency, im pretty healthy i think, apart from bloodlose to the insect world.

      • Bet i do taste like hot pot n roast beef, an boddies bitter!
        No wonder the little draculas love me!

      • If cunts would only stay in their own countries none of this unpleasantness would arise.

        But who took any notice? Fucking no-one!

        I’ll tell you who took notice!

        Who?

        Fucking no-one – that’s who took notice!

      • I had forgotten about horseflies. The bigger ones can bite through chainmail, and a shirt is no bother at all to the cunts. Also if you don’t hit them hard enough, they drop to the ground but recover and come back to try again. Like Remainers. I avoid farm livestock during the horsefly season, but that may be hard to do in rural Greece.

      • I live near fields and once this horsefly cunt was on my hand: sucking blood out of me… I leathered the little cunt and turned it to pulp… Thing is though if you walk down the lane near where I live you have to keep moving your arms so the cunts don’t land on you… Only thing is it looks to others like you are spazzing about or doing martial arts…

  20. I had one walk across my forehead in bed last winter,I left it alone as I’d been on the rum.
    I found the bugger dead under my pillow the next day.
    Needless to say I did not mention this episode to Mrs Terry as she would have shit the bed but more importantly woke me up again.
    What a caper…the autumn equivalent to having a frozen “new welcome citizen” drop in a block of ice into your bbq.
    Set of cunts.

  21. Wasps and Mosquitoes – I fucking hate them.
    Little bastards.

    There some cunt near me just pulled up in his car sharing his “music” with everyone. It sounds like a pissed up hippo falling down the stairs.

  22. I dare say that for a similar reason you wouldn’t let B&WCunt relax in your lap either

    • Similar 3 strokes, but worried more incase he tried sticking his tongue up my arse.

  23. I don’t mind spiders but I do mind the cunts wearing EU hats and waving EU flags at last night of the proms:
    Utter scum cunts.

    And the fat yank singer who sang over the rainbow in the V.T announcing she is a queer woman.

    Who gives a flying fuck! You are to sing. Not to tell any one who cares that you lick minge.

  24. I see that the ex rugger bugger bum bandit Gareth Thomas is HIV positive…..should have stuck with pussy.

    I like spiders, I wish the fuckers were as big as humans….that would wipe us cunts out

  25. Some cunts have a fucking party going on a couple of houses away from me. Wouldn’t mind, but the fuckers forgot to invite me

  26. Arachnids terrify me. That’s right, I can’t even bring myself to say the S word. Always been shit scared of them and always will.
    And i’m talking really really shit scared.
    I have many stories to amuse you but this is the best one. I was shaving one Saturday lunch time and picked up a towel to dry my face. I felt this tingling on my neck and, as I took the towel away, I saw in the mirror a huge. fucking black as the ace of spades, great Arachnid with it’s front legs probing my skin.
    I fucking screamed like a girl, knocked the cunt off, and then frantically started looking around for it so I could jump up and down on it. I couldn’t see the bastard and I suddenly thought it might be trapped in my clothes so I frantically stripped bollock naked smashing my shirt and strides against the wall in a frenzy. I eventually sat in a chair , still naked, and noticed my right leg was bobbing up and down of it’s own accord . I had to hold it down with my hands until I had calmed down. I thought I can’t stay here with that monster roaming around so I went down the pub and got fucking legless. ( put some clothes on obviously)
    I could never be a spy. All they’d have to do is put one of those bastards in front of me and i’d tell them everything they want to know………and a lot of shit they don’t want to know.
    Cunts.

      • I watched about 15 seconds and that was enough for me. When I come to power there will be a lot of cunts I need to sort out, including the Arachnids. I reckon it will take a few years but eventually i’m gonna get round to YOU!
        I’m coming to get you one day, trust me.

    • David Lammy speaks……….
      I will publish my grovelling apology in the Guardian on Monday morning and I hope the libtards can forgive me.

  28. I have done the exact same Freddie, if you wouldn’t mind writing a letter from both of us….
    On the plus side I have bought some lovely juicy Williams pears…..oh fuck I meant fruit pears and not Serena and Venus Williams pairs which are both black….as the ace of spades.

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