Mother Nature

Mother Nature

It occurred to me yesterday in the snow. I was doing my pullups off the height barrier at the local park and some guy’s hairy mutt took a beastly crap nearby. Ding!

God is berated all the time, used in blasphemous tones and swear words, yet remains silent and he soldiers on despite endless criticism. Mother Nature on the other hand seems to get a free pass despite being a noisy, messy, attention seeking, nagging, demanding cunt that has to remind every living thing to eat shit fuck bleed non-stop until they drop dead because we’re all apparently married to this colossal cunt.

She isn’t even sure what she wants but that doesn’t stop her filling up this rock with a plethora of useless organic shite. “Just one more species! It will look brilliant over there!”.. that blob of pointlessness at the bottom of the bloody ocean floor where no one will even see it. Or some fungus that will grow out of that fresh dog link nearby. The fuck is she thinking?!

Slightly etheric but I felt someone should call this cunt out.

Nominated by The Big Chunky Cunty

27 thoughts on “Mother Nature

  1. The Card-Players by Philip Larkin

    Jan van Hogspew staggers to the door
    And pisses at the dark. Outside, the rain
    Courses in cart-ruts down the deep mud lane.
    Inside, Dirk Dogstoerd pours himself some more,
    And holds a cinder to his clay with tongs,
    Belching out smoke. Old Prijick snores with the gale
    His skull face firelit: someone drinks ale,
    And opens mussels, and croaks scraps of songs
    Towards the ham-hung rafters about love.
    Dirk deals the cards. Wet century-wide trees
    Clash in surrounding starlessness above
    This lamplit cave, where Jan turns back and farts
    Gobs at the grate, and hits the queen of hearts.
    Rain, wind and fire! The secret, bestial peace!

  2. Morning BCC. Isn’t Dog attributed with the Creation of all things? As in all things bright and beautiful….. So shouldn’t he take the wrap for Mother Nature in that case? Also you’re standing on quicksand here. The headbangers will be straight on your case for the gender-specific references assuming mother and Dog are taken stereotypically to be female and male respectively. Good thing your park is not identified otherwise it would be full of shrieking smelly munters next time you visit. I would prefer sniffing dog crap any day.

    • Quite so – Dog created everything – Mother Nature, Nish Patel, Tony B. Liar, hard porn, and all in seven days!

      Dog is all powerful, or he would be had he not popped his clogs. We know that cos Nietzsche told us: “Dog is dead.” Would explain why he “remains silent and he soldiers on despite endless criticism.”

      On the other hand, blaming Dog for Mother Nature’s cuntishness is a bit like blaming John Logie Baird for the shitty TV schedules.

      Conundrums are cunts.

      • Miles’ll be along soon to kick your blasphemous arse. Repent while there is still time. I’d recommend that you make an appointment before going to Confession. I suspect that you’ll have rather a lot to get off your chest.

        Morning, RTC.

      • Just off to church Mr Fiddler. Soon will be surrounded in close proximity by Pikeys, Poles, Nigerians, Philippines. There is an old English couple. I often wonder what Isacers would think.

        As for RT. Well he’ll get his comeuppance. Mock on! mock on! Voltaire!

      • Guten morgen Dick.

        You’re right, I do have one heck of a lot to answer for. I used to muse on where I ranked in the “Most Terriblest Person Of All Time” league table, there’s bound to be one in Heaven somewhere. Reckon I’d be near the top, in the first billion at least.

        Don’t let Miles read this.

  3. I like Mother Nature.

    Every landslide,flood,famine and pandemic that occurs demonstrates that she’s on the same page as me…all I ask of her is that she ramps it up a notch or two.

    Fuck Off.

    • PS.
      Chunky…. Rather more worrying to me is the thought that you’re one of those people who does random pull-ups and star-jumps etc. whilst out jogging in the local Park. I hope that you don’t tell your unfortunate friends about “feeling the burn” while “running through the pain-barrier” and boasting about how many “Ks” you covered.

      • pps.

        Of course, the “pullups” to which you refer may be some kind of man-size nappy….in which case you have my apologies.
        🙂 .

      • I’m flattered albeit slightly concerned that you have thought of me dressed up as a scrawny lycra clad douche doing aerobics.

        Though joining a yoga class is on my to do list I confess. Not that I care for twisting myself into a pretzel mind, it’s just that leering at toned ladies in yoga pants is good exercise for the mind. Very zen.

      • I must admit that the thought of you partaking in a wholesome,healthy activity did seem rather far-fetched. The thought of you creaming your yoga-pants while drooling over some contorted,sweaty MILF less so.

        🙂 .

  4. Morning Cunters!

    Thank you to all for your messages of support,especially to my old sparring partner, Herr Fiddler.

    I never thought that I would be in the position where unemployment looms. After all you know what us 4×2’s feel about money! I have never been unemployed and the thought terrifies me.

    This site provides a useful escape.

    However, not there yet.

    This may not be the beginning of the end, but it may be the end of the beginning…..

    As for that ISIS bitch..

    Fuck off and die.

    • Fuck off to Syria marry a rag head , knock her up , come back home . Never have to work again sorted free money from the snowflakes tree get on that

      • Krav is a Jewish gay so they won’t be letting him in to Syria, he can’t knock up a raghead bird and as for coming home……….

        ………a rare happy day for the goats 🐐 I fear.

      • Not to mention a forthcoming prize on some bake off show and probably come mincing. Ps I think the dogs action of the gaseous crap is his own way of cunting anyone on a pull up bench in a park in the snow.

    • I believe the Tony Blair Institute for Global Tony Blair is hiring:

      In the Design, Monitoring, Evaluation & Learning team*: natural career progression for someone whose services Mossad no longer requires?

      No, but seriously, it’s a cunt being unemployed, and if you are I hope
      you can find something quickly.

      *whatever the fuck that is. Possibly concerned with ensuring international aid money, minus a commission, goes to the right African dictators.

  5. Irony of ironies in London on Friday. Thousands of truanting kids protesting about climate change, clogging up the traffic and letting off smoke bombs , dumping their Socialist Worker placards in the street, thus adding to the pollution they are
    crying about .
    These are the same lazy little shits who have to be driven 300 yards to school every day.
    Fuck off cunts.

    • Have a little compassion Freddie – the lazy little shits are victims, groomed by their lefty teachers.

    • A penetrating analysis, and thanks for the link Cuntflap, although I’m not sure that silly twerps were actually on strike, merely truanting for their Duke of Edinburgh Award.
      Looking at the placards and imagining them all in their Art Department ateliers trying to out-cunt each other with their pithy tritisms did rather tickle me, too.
      But today being Sunday, I was put in mind of Luke 4:23 – medice, cura te ipsum, and my rib discomfort has swiftly abated.

  6. I like mother nature, it’s something to remind us that we’re all insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

    It’s always amazed me that this planet could be hit at any time by a giant rock and annihilate life down to a microscopic level and there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it.

    It’s rather humbling, yet we all waste our lives constantly trying to fuck each other rather than just get together and enjoy what we can.

    • To use a Cathy Newmanism “so you’re saying we should all get together and fuck EACH OTHER?”……. Gaaaaaaay!

    • The erratum in your final sentence deftly illuminates a deep truth, CP. Manifestly a random lapsus calami, and I freely admit that I’ve wasted my life in such avocations, your original statement nevertheless could have been the basis of many-a good service this holy day.
      A kind of alternative vade mecum. Deep stuff, and curiously on-topic.

  7. Blimey, I thought I was a miserable cunt, lol. (Well, yes I am, but not quite to the point of cunting badgers and suchlike yet)

    I have nowt against Mother Nature except when she sees fit to make it piss down and blow a fucking gale when I am out in the elements and shopping, usually during one of my copious trips to Poundland. Times like that I am cursing her as a right cunt.

    Other than that I am a big nature lover. It is one of the only things that reminds us these days that there is still a lot of amazing, beautiful stuff in the world. (God, I sound like a right old hippy) Let’s be honest, there is more than enough fucking terrible stuff these days to boil our piss, so a bit of a respite from that is needed to keep us sane.

    ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL (and not just sheer cuntery)

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