Jonathan Pie

Jonathan Pie is an annoying cunt, isn’t he?

Who is he and why does he look like a champagne socialist, smarmy, never-done-a-day’s-work-in-his-life cunt? To those lucky enough not to know, since 2015 he’s been a comic creation by Tom Walker who is, coincidentally, smarmy, a bit of a never-done-a-day’s-work socialist AND a bit of a cunt.

The premise is thus: Jonathan Pie is a tv journalist reporting on a topical news story of the week. He finishes his report then, angrily yanking the earpiece out and now being “off air”, we see him begin a rant with an unseen foil, ‘Tim’ to whom he constantly speaks. So far so objectionably good.

The problem is, like the BBC and Channel4 News, Pie has a secret agenda. It’s not difficult to spot if you’ve seen a few of these unleashed vents. Would anybody like to guess the two irritants either side of the Atlantic to which he constantly alludes? Could anyone possibly make a supposition what Pie is usually furious over and perpetually crowbars in to every single rage as if it’s contractually obliged? It matters not what or whom Pie is scathing Theresa May, the Police, free speech, the Summer, he manages to squeeze in the two comedy giants, the guaranteed winners at the shittest comedy venue, the contingency safety net of ubiquitous comedians bereft of humour: Trump ‘n’ Brexit.

Certain issues (Jeremy Corbyn, the EU, the LibDems, feminism, The Clintons, anti-fascist fascists, the SNP) are ignored regardless of their golden, comic potential.

He wants to be seen as a seething, moral, comedic intellectual but actually comes across as a spoilt, pretentious Mummy’s boy who’s discovered obscene swear-words. He’s like a constipated Ben Elton with toothache. His formulaic one-trick consists of him churning the same liberalist guff, approaching the camera and gnashing profanities while becoming increasingly redder.

There is oodles of jocular material at the moment yet we hear the same re-hashed drivel week in, week out. Comedy is dull and this smug prick, with his artificial face of thunder, his feigned fury, and contrived indignation, isn’t helping.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

25 thoughts on “Jonathan Pie

  1. Never heard of this cunt but it’s glaringly obvious that Trump and Brexit are the only approved topics for comedy today…….over and over and over again.
    Matt Lucas recently said of “Little Britain.”:
    “Basically I wouldn’t make that show today… would upset too many people. Society has changed and my own views have evolved.”
    And there you have it. Eleven years ago that show finished. You are the joke now.

    • Has anyone heard the current 97th series of The News Quiz?. This weeks episode (you can hear it on Listen Again) was *guest hosted* by some silly cow, who sounded so amateurish that to be kind to her, I suspect they recorded the first rehearsal and broadcast it instead of the transmission recording. The usual weak feeble jokes, and there are no Alan Coren or Simon Hoggart types now. There were entirely unfunny women *comedians* and the token male was Mark Steele, 50 something going on 13, and it was the usual two subjects that were the source of the *humour* – Brexit being the main topic of moronic conversation. It’s an absolute shit fest, but as soon as this series grinds to a halt (series 98 will be along seven weeks later – I am honestly not joking they BOAST that this fucking imbecilic series has chalked up nearly 100 series) we will have those two unfunny wankstains Steve Cunt and Hugh Dennis back with their equally unfunny Now Show. Even the BBC newsreader/announcer sounded like she was wearing knickers with spikes in them, squealing like a fishwife

      • You’re right WC, the Now Show used to be funny. Now it’s the unfunny lesbian comedy slot. Cunts. BTW, search Believe It! Richard Wilson is fab in that.

      • Radio 4 has now been taken over by a monstrous regiment of largely airheaded, giggly, shrill girls who have massively infiltrated even its sports coverage. And has been dumbed down even further on the assumption that the audience is similarly constituted.. It has closely paralleled the decline of the Guardian, and you will be lucky to find anything not on the libflake agenda these days. The weekly summary of highlighted material was, admittedly, presented by a male (Indo-Pak, of course), but he mitigated this by doing it all in sub-grime verse. All of it. Cunt. Oh, and everything else on Sunday’s repeats. R4 is no longer an amiable voice chuntering on in the background as I go about my trivial activities and choose whether to pay attention or not. It is now a perpetual hen party to which silence is vastly preferable and which needs to be switched off. It’s a cunt and I may accept the challenge of cunting it in fine detail…

  2. Never heard of the cunt but his agenda sounds a lot like Private Eye. No satire to be had from Blair, Clegg, Mandleson etc but all about Brexit and Trump.
    I think both Brexit and Trump are ripe for lampooning but so is Remain and the Clintons but these are seemingly sacred.
    Lazy and one-sided.
    I see that Julie Burchill, a fucking hag since her NME prime, has written a play taking the piss out of southern Remoaners. Much to the horror of her luvvie, literary ilk. Perhaps she isn’t a 24 carat cunt after all.

    • Used to like private eye but haven’t read it for ages. When Mandelson was at the EU they always gave his address as Rue des Matelots, which, being simple minded, used to make me titter.

  3. I first saw this prick a few weeks ago, after clicking a weblink, claiming that he was hilarious. He wasn’t, he was a cunt.

  4. Afternoon all
    I’ve never heard of this knob either, but on the evidence of the Captain’s arse kicking, he’s obviously an A+ cunt.
    Good work, Captain!

  5. I think the last half decent joke I heard was Frankie Boyle saying Brenda’s fanny was so old and cavernous it had bats flying around in it. Certainly got Emily Maitliss hot under the collar. Actually, I’d quite like that opportunity.

  6. Here’s one for your diaries:

    10/11th November at Olympia.
    The National Asian Wedding Show

    I wonder if there will be any feminazis protesting about patriarchy, the subjugation of women, arranged marriages, honour killings etc?

    • Of course there’s no market for a National Islamic Wedding Show.
      All you need is a couple of bin bags and a pair of handcuffs.

    • Ha ha. Burqa clad wifey. Photographer. Say cheese! Uh, maybe not. Give us a smile! Uh. Can we have the bride and groom’s family together! Uh, dunno, never met them before. Do you want one of the Kalashnikov?

  7. I was waiting for this Jumped up shit to be cunted. I’ve seen him on RT , the Kremlin Propaganda news channel. He seems to think by swearing every other word makes him clever. NO… you cunt , it makes you look like an attention seeking school boy. And yes like ALL the other Lefty so called comedians his subjects of choice are Trump and Brexit… Fucking Tosser.

  8. I liked Dennis Pennis. Pierce! Pierce! BBC here, Pierce, do you find sex is like banking? Eh? Well you know, after you withdraw you lose interest. Blank. Top totty trophy wife starts sniggering, then stops, remembering that her job is to look good, open her legs now and again, hang around for a suitable while before taking half his money. Do not ever show you have more brain cells. Funny, I thought.

  9. Came across this prick by chance on U tube. Watched a couple of minutes of one of his rants thinking it may be funny. It wasn’t.

    Usual two joke railway line thinking bellend.

    Save yourself the time and avoid him, he is shit.

  10. Watched this cunt once like 7 months ago and now youtube won’t stop recommending his videos to me

  11. Tbf he did do a very good video about why Trump got elected (spoiler alert – he puts it down to the regressives insulting people). So he’s not all bad.

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