Jonathan Pie

Jonathan Pie is an annoying cunt, isn’t he?

Who is he and why does he look like a champagne socialist, smarmy, never-done-a-day’s-work-in-his-life cunt? To those lucky enough not to know, since 2015 he’s been a comic creation by Tom Walker who is, coincidentally, smarmy, a bit of a never-done-a-day’s-work socialist AND a bit of a cunt.

The premise is thus: Jonathan Pie is a tv journalist reporting on a topical news story of the week. He finishes his report then, angrily yanking the earpiece out and now being “off air”, we see him begin a rant with an unseen foil, ‘Tim’ to whom he constantly speaks. So far so objectionably good.

The problem is, like the BBC and Channel4 News, Pie has a secret agenda. It’s not difficult to spot if you’ve seen a few of these unleashed vents. Would anybody like to guess the two irritants either side of the Atlantic to which he constantly alludes? Could anyone possibly make a supposition what Pie is usually furious over and perpetually crowbars in to every single rage as if it’s contractually obliged? It matters not what or whom Pie is scathing Theresa May, the Police, free speech, the Summer, he manages to squeeze in the two comedy giants, the guaranteed winners at the shittest comedy venue, the contingency safety net of ubiquitous comedians bereft of humour: Trump ‘n’ Brexit.

Certain issues (Jeremy Corbyn, the EU, the LibDems, feminism, The Clintons, anti-fascist fascists, the SNP) are ignored regardless of their golden, comic potential.

He wants to be seen as a seething, moral, comedic intellectual but actually comes across as a spoilt, pretentious Mummy’s boy who’s discovered obscene swear-words. He’s like a constipated Ben Elton with toothache. His formulaic one-trick consists of him churning the same liberalist guff, approaching the camera and gnashing profanities while becoming increasingly redder.

There is oodles of jocular material at the moment yet we hear the same re-hashed drivel week in, week out. Comedy is dull and this smug prick, with his artificial face of thunder, his feigned fury, and contrived indignation, isn’t helping.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous