Hands up if you fucking well despise dandelions.

I love flowers and plants of all kinds, and while I’m the first to admit that I’m no Monty Don, I do enjoy a spot of gardening, a pastime which I find to be both relaxing and therapeutic. But one thing puts the mockers on it for me, and that’s dandelions, those pig ugly little triffid wannabes.

We’ve had precious little rain these last few weeks, and gardens have started to resemble the Kansas dustbowl as most plants have shrivelled up and died. Not dandelions though, oh no. You’ve almost got to admire just how tough they are, harder than Jason fucking Statham and that’s a fact. Get a drop of rain and they’re like a rat up a drainpipe. There are suddenly hundreds everywhere, and you can hear them growing.

You can rip off their fucking sickly looking yellow heads, blowtorch them, dig them up and poison them, but you can never succeed in getting rid of them. Miss one flower, and you’ve got a ‘clock’ which scatters a thousand seeds to the wind. Flies envy their ability to breed that fast.

I’m not paranoid, but I reckon that Mulder and Scully need to get on to this bloody sharpish. The fuckers are out to take over I tell you…

(enter Mrs Knee with my meds and a soothing ‘now calm down, dear, the doctor’s coming…’).

Nominated by Ron Knee

39 thoughts on “Dandelions

  1. All gardeners are Nazis.

    If you don’t believe me, check out how they treat the weeds.

  2. Horrible little yellow cunts that come at you in there thousands.A bit like the Japs really.. And Dandelion and Burdock, what the cunting hell is that drink all about it tastes like rusty water with yellow piss added.

    • I’ve always rather liked dandelion and burdock myself. We used to order it once a week via the milkman with our milk delivery.

  3. Good Stones B-Side though…. ‘Dandelion’ is almost like a Syd Barrett song (which is no bad thing), and the sort of thing Blur attempt to do (badly)…. I love the original 45 single version, where the sinister piano chords of ‘We Love You’ fade in briefly at the end…. Nicky Hopkins was brilliant…

    • Apparently, there’s a 50th anniversary ‘Beggars Banquet’ on the way… Hope there’s some outtakes and alternate stuff. (and the original RSVP cover, instead of that dirty bog).. And I also hope that the ‘One Plus One’ film is put out with just the Stones bits and all Godard’s pretentious crap edited out…

      • The dirty bog cover was the original, submitted by the Stones but rejected by both Decca in England and London Records in the U.S.

        The band initially refused to change the cover, but after several months of delays the Stones eventually gave in and released the album with the plain RSVP cover.

        Expect the anniversary edition will feature both covers, interchangeable maybe…

      • Just read up on Mr Hopkins talented man, Nicky Hopkins shame he got fucked over for royalties by almost every artist he played for or with, “We love you,” is my fave Stones song.

    • Hopkins certainly was brilliant and sadly missed. The Who and Kinks also used him extensively.

  4. Zero tolerance of the fuckers is the only language they understand, the cunts. I use lawn weedkiller and/or an implement that pulls them up by the root.
    Problems come from neighbours who are cunts and let them seed on their property. These fuckers should be petrol bombed out of their homes.
    Then there are council verges and green spaces. Treat the verges if practical. Larger green spaces should be napalmed weekly.

    Alan Cuntmarsh

    • And another fucking thing. Dandelions are at their peak on St George’s day. The imaginary, Turkish cunt.

  5. I know diddly squat about gardening, got a few hanging baskets and I begrudgingly cut the grass once a week, I did however used to watch ground force back in the day, never understood the whole army of male fans that Charlie dimmock had but there you go, couple of days ago was surfing the idiot box and stumbled on to what I thought was1980,s film Bigfoot and the Henderson’s , it was infact Charlie dimmock!! Fuck me times a cruel mistress, thank god for widescreen TVs , she filled my 46” box side to side top to bottom., she reminded me of the garden shears I left out all winter, all rusty and fucked up…,

  6. Monty Don. Hmm. Think he’s got a modest cottage near us. The usual 650 fucking grand modest country cottage these fuckers get. Not that I’m envious, he’s just an oleaginous creep in the mould of Nigel ‘suppah’, fucking Slater. Would anyone let either of these two babysit their six yr old daughter? Unlikely. Agree with the Dandelion cunting.

    • The gardening cunt that boils my piss is that fucking smarmy little toad Alan Titchmarsh. Watching him brownnose any member of the royal family at the Chelsea Flower Show makes me feel nauseous. Cunt’s too good a word for that greasy little cunt.

  7. Trust me on this one fellow cunters. Takes a one off bit of preparation but gives hours of satisfaction and healthy exercise. Mount a car battery on small skateboard type trolley with a tall hinged pull along handle. On each terminal attach a couple of old jumper leads. At the ends of each of those attach a length of quarter inch round steel bar all insulated with proper insulating tape from the end of the lead connection to about three inches from the bottom. Grind a point on the bottom of each one. Push one into the heart of each little yellow fucker and then the other into the ground just about two inches away for a couple of seconds. Voila, dead as a Dodo! Fucks a few worms from time to time but you can’t have everything. Works a treat if you have to “question ” someone as well. ( so I am told )

  8. Fuck me – three cunts for the price of one on the radio this morning!

    Mark Cunty applying to extend his already overextended term as Bank of England Remoaner in chief… Justin Welby wanting further subsidies for the feckless… and Remoaning Liebour mayor Andy Burnbum calling for Article 50 to be postponed cos a No Deal Brexit looks like it could become a reality after March 2019… Gulp.

    Piss well and truly boiled – all before 8am.

    Fortunately there’s something special to look forward to tonight:


      • #MeToo Q – it’s gonna be a real treat – Willie Stroker will be creaming his Y-fronts!

        Guten morgen.

    • Mervyn King was on Today giving Mavis and crew a comprehensive fucking for their managerial and negotiating incompetence.

  9. Nick Knowles and Grenfell together in a single viewing. The needle of my K-Tel Solid State Cuntometer is showing a full scale deflection today.

    • To be fair it’s the perfect match
      A seething mass of cuntery being presided over by the superficial monolithic cunt knowles……
      By far and away the biggest cunts are people that actually watch this train crash TV cuntathon………

  10. I put a sign up on my drive this summer “pick your own dandelions and bring your own burdock.” Myself I prefer uphill gardening. But…its September and Wasps need a good cunting. Viscous little twats.

    • He’s also the patron St of England Miles, who says the English are bigots.

      Bring in 29/03/18


      Little Englander.

  11. That’s me as well McCuntface. Little Englander. Trumpton sums up the type of England I want. Chigley as well. Camberwick Green is far too modern though.

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