The humble tea bag

PG Tips and Tetley are both utterly idiotic, lefty cunts.

I’ve just had to remake my cup of tea 4 times and boil the kettle twice just to make 1 cup.
Coz the fuckin bags keep splitting.

I just thought I had a bad batch but on further investigation I found out that the stupid deranged lefty cunts have removed all plastic from their bags and replaced it with (non waterproof) biodegradable tissue paper.

Has it not occurred to them that the plastic was in there for a fucking reason?

Well it was you cunts and now your tea bags are shite!

Pg tips is owned by unilever – Dutch cunts.
Tetley is owned by Tata – the shittest CAR company in the world. It’s fuckin Indian for crying out loud … the cunts can’t even DRIVE a car, let alone MAKE one …
And what the fuck is a CAR company doing trying to make fucking tea?!

The Americunts bought up our prestigious chocolate company, Cadburys … the inventors of chocolate … and then proceeded to fuck up all the recipes.
Apparently the Americans weren’t too keen on the taste and wanted it more like theirs.
If you don’t like it fuck off and make your own and stay away from our shit you cunts …
…. I digress.
(Sorry about that, this tea is weak so I’m getting stressed).



Why don’t you just do the world a favour and go kill yourselves.
Some things piss me off.
Some things boil my piss.

*deep breath deep breath*

I’m switching to Yorkshire tea.
…though no doubt some Americunt or white flag waving fucking frog will come and buy that too.


I need another cuppa but I don’t have the patience …

On further investigation I’ve just found out that all of this shit was started by a cunt called Michael Armitage, a CUNT … Sorry, GARDENER … from Wrexham.
Apparently they don’t biodegrade when you throw them on the compost heap …

230,000 cunts signed his petition ….

Unilever’s solution?
Non waterproof tea bags.

Seems the whole world is full to brim with cunts……….

Nominated by Deploy the sausage.


68 thoughts on “The humble tea bag

  1. Twinings seem ok. I like my tea strong so I leave it in the cup for a couple of minutes. And you can get em much cheaper in Home Bargains than rip off Tescos. Cunts.

  2. Home Bargains and B&M are great Lidl and Aldi too fuck the big supermarkets especially Tesco.
    And do like a Yorkshire tea myself or Twinings are good and still thankfully made in the UK although most of the Tea comes from India or China.

    • I think the Daily Mash had a good article on “Indians unveil world’s shittest car”…

      I’m not religious about my teabag buying, but Sainsbury’s (if you can bear the place !!) bags at least seem structurally sound, have had many boxes of 100 since returning to UK, and not a split one.

      Having lived in Leeds for about four years in my younger life, I often wondered about Yorkshire Tea… I knew there is a rhubarb-growning triangle somewhere in Yorks., but was never so sure about tea plantations !

  3. If you drink a lot of tea, ditch the teabags and use the old leaves in a pot method.

    Teabags contain bleach (and now bogroll) which does your kidneys and bladder no favours.

  4. I only drink loose leaf Earl Grey tea,brewed in a china teapot,strained through a tea-strainer into a paper thin teacup decorated with a hunting scene. I only have a tiny dash of milk in it. I also eat finger sandwiches with the crusts cut off and Victoria sponge cake while I drink it.
    Anyone who uses teabags is undoubtedly common and wouldn’t be invited to take High Tea with me. The same kind of person probably has a thermos flask with a plastic cup and a tupperware container that they use to take their snack to work with them.

    • Sounds like fiddler towers is too high society for me.
      …Sounds like a lovely place but I am a pleb so the tone would be very much lowered in my presence.

      • You can use the tradesman’s entrance. I’ll tell Cook to do you some bread and dripping. Watch out for Grimes the butler,I think he lurks in the shadows and eavesdrops with a view to blackmailing me.
        You’re right,you would lower the tone.

      • Indeed… reminds me of John Betjeman’s “switch on the logs in the grate”

        Personally, if I wanted to warm up a bit, I’d just chuck another Toksvig log on the fire.

    • I trust you remember to put the milk in first so the cup doesn’t crack.

      And fox hunting scenes of course?

      • Yes and yes, Pedantic Cunt. Did I mention that it is the finest vintage Wedgwood,and so thin and fine that I can read my copy of the Financial Times through it? I’m actually very worried about my Pork Belly Futures. I shall consult the ticker-tape machine when my secretary comes in and switches it on for me. She is a stern,butch middle-aged spinster who could possibly be related to one of the miners who was killed down my coal-mine. I suspect that she wishes me ill. If Miss Marple turns up, I’ll know that I’m done for….however I will kick her in the Cunt before she solves the mystery of “Who killled Dick Fiddler?”….The list of suspects could be quite extensive, I fear.

      • I’ve told you before Dick, Marple wears Empire brand underwear, a kick in the cunt will be quite ineffectual. It once repelled a detachment of The Queens Dragoon Guards at a benefit moonlight supper for the terminally aristocratic, I think it was at the Huxley – Farqhuarsons in Kensington. You’d be better off going for the eyes with extended fore and middle finger.
        Good morning.

      • I hope Grimes irons your FT before your morning perusal, Dick !
        And before you read it, too.

      • Quite.

        My mother held those ‘milk in last’ people in complete and utter contempt.

      • Your Mother was obviously a woman of some refinement. I bet you drink out of a mug and put 5 sugars and loads of milk into your “brew” before dunking your “Choccy Biccy” in it.

      • Actually I don’t drink tea. I drink coffee, black with no sugar. You’re almost right about the choccy bickies though, except I don’t dunk.

        Spot on about my mother, she’d regard you as a cunt after her own heart.

      • Don’t you have a small Chinaman who lives in the cellar under Fiddler Towers tending homegrown tea plants out the back Mr Fiddler?

      • You drink tea like a true sir Fiddler, plebs and chavs can go get fucked with their watered down sugared shite tea in a peasant mug haha bollocks .

        Quality loose leaf or Nothing at all! is what I say old chum sugar in tea? pfft cunts

      • Or, if you are of Tom Sharpe’s “Konstabel Els” persuasion, chasing c***s across the plains, armed with a sjambok.
        Maybe that’s just memories of my Gran’s Royal Doulton…

        Times have moved on…I used to have a Bunnikins mug.

      • Tom Sharpe’s books were excellent. The Throwback is my personal favourite.
        His wife turned up to bury his ashes in a churchyard near me, without permission. The priest chased her and the ashes. I bet Sharpe would have loved the thought of being told,in his cremated state,to bugger off and not come back.

  5. Yea I’m on the Yorkshire tea now that I’m living in Yorkshire. It’s nice up here and the tea is great … I was just a little bit stressed out when I wrote this cunting seeing as I was moving half way up the country AND I couldn’t even make a cuppa without a load of fucking around.
    And I’ve started shopping at aldi and lidl… so much cheaper.
    Everything seems to be cheaper up here, especially rent.
    But the best thing about Yorkshire?
    Pattie and chips with curry sauce and a bag of scraps …. what more could a man ask for?
    Apart from maybe a strapping Yorkshire lass to share em with.

    • Are “Sweaty” Betty’s still going in Leeds (if you’re ever near) ? Woodhouse Lane, IIRC, up from the Uni.
      (Btw, aforementioned establishment is a chippeh !)

      • Haven’t been to Leeds yet but I might get sent over there occasionally for work when I start the new job.
        I’m humberside…. nice part of the world, though it’s not winter yet. Recon it’s gonna get real chilly….

  6. Apparently Tetley and PG Tips are wank anyway. My sister drinks enough tea to cover the average family and Tetley especially she won’t touch. You’re definitely far better off with Yorkshire Tea DTS.

  7. Fab cunting DTS!

    I got 240 Yorkshire Teabags (160 bags + 50% free) (£4.99) from Iceland the other day. They were for my next door neighbour (I don’t drink tea, neither does the wife) but he couldn’t get them himself cos he was stuck with painting my gates. Anyway, I had to get some broccoli (45p) from Sainsbury’s so it was no great hardship on my part. He gave me a fiver and I kept the change.

    My thoughts and prayers go out to you Mr Sausage.

  8. The Mrs and I drink Yorkshire with water from filter kettle. Researched the plastic content and according to Yorkshire theirvteabafsvare biodegradable after about a year.

    Looked into buying loose Yorkshire tea but about three times the price of tea bags.

    Boycotted Cadbury’s products following their takeover and the fucking around with recipes and products.

    • Had you considered buying Yorkshire teabags,ripping the top off them and pouring the loose leaf into a tea-caddy? I’m full of top tips today.

      • Great advice, top tip indeed.

        However, when DTS originally put this nom forward, another esteemed cunter left a reply suggesting the loose tea equivalent sold was of a much higher quality, and that the stuff in tea bags included the sweepings from the factory floor!

        Btw, also recall Willie Stroker commenting that the individual tea bags in packs of 160 weighed less than the same in packs of 80…

        Confusion will be my epitaph.

      • The point I was trying to make is that not all Yorkshire teabags contain the same amount of tea.

        You have to be careful with the offers. For example, sometimes with the 50% extra FREE offers, all bags contain 2.5g of tea compared with the more usual 3.1g, resulting in a 20% weaker brew. You need to check the total weight with the number of bags.

        Currently 160 bags with 50% extra free (240 in all) contains the full 3.1g, whereas the 600 bags (weighing 1.5kg) each contain 2.5g.

      • Jeez… this teabag cuntfuckery is doing my fuckin’ ‘ead in. But ta for the clarification, I think…

        Can only thank my lucky stars I’m not a tea drinker.

      • If I do Dick will make sure that the tea is strained through the front of used Japanese schoolgirls knickers (which you can buy from in sealed containers from Japanese vending machines).

        What a great country and what a lovely start to the day.

      • DF, you should offer your services on a consultancy basis to Good Arsekeeping magazine.
        Your fair image on the front cover would be a much-welcome change from Kirstie (size 12 ?!! Ha fucking ha !) Allslop.
        You could review snooker cues and baseball bats…

  9. Yorkshire Tea every time. I like a nice strong brew and the Chimp Anal Gland brand of tea doesn’t cut it.

    My wife likes a stronger brew too so uses 2 x Chimp tea bags. I have tried to entice her onto Yorkshire Tea but she won’t take that step.

    • One of the blokes that used to live in same digs as me looked like a PG Chimp.

  10. Whoa DtS…a little amped up are we? Perhaps you should consider cutting back a bit on the caffeine.

    As an Americunt my real love is coffee. If I don’t have coffee in the morning it’s likely someone will get hurt. So I can completely relate to your anger and hostility. I’d be completely twisted if I needed a morning fix and the bag broke.

    I also enjoy tea…especially in the afternoons and evenings. I used to like Typhoon but can’t find it anywhere now so its usually Twinnings for me. There are some fucking boutique brands…Stash for one…that are good but overly priced because they are boutique and therefore, hip, trendy and (supposedly) prestigious.

    i don’t know PG tips but I am familiar with Tetleys. I don’t really drink it so I can’t speak to the problem of splitting bags.

    As some of you know I’ve relocated to the Deep South. These cunts all drink iced “sweet tea”…usually Lipton or Luziannne. Yuck!

    By the way as a life long chocoholic…I will concede Joseph Fry’s contribution…but chocolate (cacao) comes from the New World.

    Righteous cunting though. One should never mess with an Englishman and his tea…or his gin…and his cricket. 🇬🇧. 💂

    • Or his sense of superiority. As Cecil Rhodes put it:

      “Ask any man what nationality he would prefer to be, and ninety nine out of a hundred will tell you that they would prefer to be Englishmen.”

      Am sure we can count you among that number General…

      • I am descended from a long line of Englishmen. My family tree (or weed if you prefer) reads like the London phone book of the 1940’s…tainted (or sainted if you prefer) with only a bit of thistle down and a touch of orange.

        WASP by heritage…American by birth. Best of both worlds! 😁

        🇺🇸. 🇬🇧

    • Indeed general, wars have been started over such things, but probably best not to go there seeing as we lost that one …. sorry, let them win as we were bored 🙂

      Good point about typhoo, I haven’t seen typhoo in years either.

    • Oh Christ…

      Lipton iced tea…Switzerland was awash with the stuff when I lived there.
      More sugar than in Coke, I reckon.

      I shall never forgive some cunts for doing away with Terry’s Waifa biscuits – Kraft and Mondelez International, I think. The dark Waifa was superb with coffee, streets ahead of Kit-Kat. Reckon you would have agreed, if given the chance !

  11. Never understood this nations addiction to drinking slightly tangy piss water with milk. Cunts show nothing but contempt the times I dare to drink a tea without the udder piss of some cow.

    I’ll have a biscuit and get crumbs everywhere though. Tally ho.

  12. I drink Waitrose decaf and chuck the bags in the black bin because at my age I’m past caring about the planet.

    My daughter has a composting thingy. She dries the tea bags after use then cuts then open, puts the leaves in the composter and the bags in the bin.

    Frankly, I can’t be arsed.

    • PC, your daughter’s teabag malarkey sounds about as much fun as scraping shite off nappies. Which is done on a regular basis in the House of Lords.

  13. Blimey! O’ Brien is having a right go at Boris Johnson bordering on the libellous. It won’t be, he’s a bit too smart for that.

  14. Tea BAGS are for cheap white trash. Nothing but production floor sweepings! Use loose tea ffs. But to be fair, Cadbury did turn to pigshit since the buyout.

    • You will be the first to know that today I have decided to buy some loose Yorkshire so can compare to the bags.

      Reading the posts expecting great things.

      • Don’t forget to warm the pot first Willie. And drink out of fine, bone-china teacups, with saucers. Tastes so much better that way, believe me. If not, my mother will end up turning in her grave even faster than she does already.

    • Brexit: Potential hurdle No.1

      Utterly useless, wringing-wet PM with no backbone. Identified by a bizarre head that looks like a Cornish Pasty or the top end of a toxically-defective runt of a Portuguese Man o’ War jellyfish.

      Icke could be right re the lizards…

  15. I don’t listen to that prick O’Brien and haven’t watched Question Time for two years, they both get my dander up….

    • Not sure it’s possible to libel Boris… unless you refer to him as a man of principle or something.

    • If this…swear on oath with a book of your own choice catches on, and the situation arises where I’m required to do so, I shall give court ample notice and supply a list of books that I deem acceptable for me to undergo this task.

      These to include.. (All real titles and available to buy)

      1 Written by Ira Alterman, childrens book, published in 1981 by American publishing…
      “So, You’ve Got a Fat Pussy.”

      2 Penned by Roger Welsch…one for the outdoorsy type…
      “Old Tractors and men who Love Them”.

      3 Author – Martin Parr, find this one with the cookery books…
      “Be Bold with Bananas”…

    • I have not seen that and I live here in the states…in a state next to Georgia.

      Looks more like a criminal being sworn in a court case. But if true I suspect this cunt was elected Chief Cotton Picker.

      🍉. 🍌. 🎱. ♠

  16. Deploy the sausage try using biodegradable reusable tea bags for loose leaf they work great or get a tea strainer.. obviously don’t reboil tea like a low class pleb become a high tory tea drinker like me and Sir Fiddler

    • I did used to have a tea strainer but we didn’t run tea through it…
      *aherm* … not anymore, I’m a good boy now, but yes I think I’ll get a tea strainer and try to become more sophisticated in my tea drinking.

      • You might even get an invite to one of Dick’s garden parties now.

  17. They’re fucking our tea up like they’re fucking up everything else: by ceasing production in Britain and importing cheap foreign shite… Marks and Sparks socks and keks (formerly the world renowned St Michael brand) now made in Turkey, Cadbury’s Dairy Milk made in Poland, and fuck knows where those now crappy teabags come from… Fuck that…

    • M&S going down the crapper at the speed of light.

      NEVER buy their Key Lime Pie, it is one of the worst travesties of anything that it has been my misfortune to encounter. Tastes like shaving foam/bog cleaner (yes, I have my Father Ted moments…).
      But their standard cheesecake is excellent, particularly when they special offer it at a decent price.

  18. A thread that’s worthy of much wider dissemination…

    Naxos Audiobooks proudly present “The Banjo-String Monologues”

    Narrated by Phil The Greek or Edward Fox.

    A VERY long way from being any sort of political echo-chamber, teabags brought out the best in us all.

    A. Cunt Grayling simply wouldn’t know where to start, mah dears !

  19. Yorkshire tea for me. Now available for hard or soft water. However Co-op own brand whale-friendly gender-neutral tea is fine, and the used contents may be dumped on your healthy vegan kale crop if you wish. Off-topic, has anyone else noticed that the cheaper brands of instant coffee give them occasional migraine aura but the more expensive ones, eg Nescafe, don’t?

    • My old Nan used to get CO-OP 99 loose leaf tea back when I was a lad. Used to always be a nice cuppa I seem to recall.
      And yeah they have PG tips at work the stuff tastes like ground chimpanzee shit.

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