Lad banter

Having spent a torturous evening out with ‘friends’, I would like to deliver a cunting to middle-class ‘lad banter’. So drained and driven to distraction am I by this fucking phenomenon tonight, I can’t cunt with much strength – but fuck me, I’ve got to get this down before bed.

I’m sure there’s a more succinct name for the phenomenon (apart from ‘cunt’ that is), but no, I’m not talking about hipsters or out-and-out geezers. Seeing a friend back from living abroad for a few years, it was good to catch up. Sadly he keeps many cunts for company. All asking each other if they want a “cheeky pint”. Endless sage agreement terminating in “awww mate” in faux-mockney accents that only cunts from Berkshire, Cambridgeshire and Hertfordshire can manage. The sort of cunt who orders a Hungryhouse while exclusively watching the Dave channel, giving it the fucking pub philosopher pseudo-cuntishness, interspersed with artificial football knowledge derived almost exclusively from playing Championship fucking Manager.

One cunt in particular, wearing a hoodie – a cunt in his late 30s, for the love of cunt – with ‘Punkers’ emblazoned on it in the style of the Snickers logo would not stop saying “mate”, “mate”, “mate”… the fucking word is riniging in my ears right now like mildly-concerning tinnitus after a Megadeath set. Grinding my teeth and trying so hard to ignore the cunt, my only solace was the warm comfort in fantasising about burying a fire-axe deep into his subhuman skull; fondly imagining the spasms and involuntary eye-rolling as the cunt finally falls silent and slumps beside his last ‘cheeky pint’.

There is a faint possibility of course that I am the real cunt and just hate most people in the world. But #ladsbanter is a monumental cunt and no mistake.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

63 thoughts on “Lad banter

  1. Fine cunting indeed.
    These ‘lads’ normally in their thirties trying to be in their early twenties but with stupid Harold Shipman lookalike hipster beards wearing clothes two sizes too small that look like the clothes ordinary blokes would have worn in the right size in the 1960’s.
    Oh yes, they’re soooo cool.

    • “These ‘lads’ normally in their thirties trying to be in their early twenties”

      Exactly. It’s like watching a tragic caricature of Men Behaving Badly, but with extra added cunt.

      • Is a cheeky pint one that shouts out “Oi, you cunt !!” ?

        Beer doesn’t agree with me… it usually tells me to Fuck Off, then does a fast getaway into my shoes.

  2. One of the multitude of reasons I am anti social. What is a cheeky pint? I can assure you that if a glass of some beverage gave me any lip it would be truely fucked. As for fucking mockney, don’t.
    Basically I sail a solitary course and am very glad I do.

    • Good on yer Black biscuit me old mucker. ( Just kidding ).
      Me too. Organised ‘fun’ is what fucks me off. People organising a party or family do saying ‘You have to come, they’ll be insulted if you don’t and it’ll be fun.’
      No it won’t, why would it be? If that isn’t an excuse to tell them to Fuck off and stay at home I don’t know what is. Family are the biggest cunts for doing it.

  3. Thanks for posting my nom, mods. This is an annoyance that has driven me mad for many years.

    As someone rightly pointed out on the nomination I made, football and certain beer advertisers exclusively target this sort of fucking audience. In fact even the word ‘banter’ has now been appropriated by the cuntish contingent somewhere between hipster and geezer.

  4. On a somewhat similar note, I fucking hate hipster cunts who are members of “beer clubs” and drink semi-brewed, American-style pale ale/larma piss from coke sized cans and call it craft beer because they think it’s trendy. News flash – it’s not trendy or edgey and you aren’t cool….. You’re a cunt.

    • Mostly they’re just fucking thick as shit in my experience.

      Last night I sent the food back in the local taverna cos it was tough as old shoe leather. The owner pointed out he’d served over 2,000 identical dinners and never had a complaint. Well there’s a first time for everything.

      Presumably he’d never had a complaint because he was a great big rough looking scruffy bastard and nobody had dared stand up to him. Naturally it was my fault for being aggressive not his fault for serving up inedible meat.

      Like I said, thick cunts who are, of course, never to blame and think they can get away with anything. Well, tough shit matey! Not with this cookie…

  5. It’s all rather luvvly jubbly, dontcha know, you common types upset because a few of your quaint sayings have been adopted by the top of the range chaps.

    Tricky cove, Johnny Cockney..

  6. ‘Terrorist incident’ on the District Line, which line will Citizen Khan say first?.
    “Not all muslims are terrorists”

    “Islam is a peaceful religion”.

    “Part of living in a big city”.

    “Hate will not divide us and we will stand united”.

    • Hopefully, he’ll say “Allahu Akbar”, thus showing his true colours and be swiftly dispatched by the SAS.

      • There is no “peaceful” problem in this cuntry, it’s all the non-“peacefuls” who don’t go around stabbing and/or blowing people up that are the real problem.

        Flabbott and Ayatollah Khan say so.

      • And no doubt the cunts at the ABBC will drag out that rent-a-“peaceful” cunt (who’s on after every “peaceful” atrocity) to tell us how it’s a religion of peace and not the violent, barbaric and backwards religion people think (know) it is.

        No doubt there’s a strongly worded candlelit vigil planned for over the weekend. That’ll show them! With their bombs, knives and machine guns.

        A vigil no doubt manned by virtue-signalling snowflakes and gay & feminist activists all baying support for the “peaceful” community who love and tolerate gays and treat women completely as equals…

      • Not to worry the ABBC are clamouring all over the fact that a timer was used, the implication being that most Ali’s Snack bar mob like to take themselves out with it (and therefore cannot possibly be “peaceful” can it).

        Well let’s see shall we – ABBC cunts!

        Either way it’ll just be some unnamed bloke from Kent or summat.

      • Just been watching last night’s Q-Time. Warms the cuntles of my heart to know that Kirsty Blackman SNP MP lies “in bed at night worrying about Brexit,” and specially the fate of peacefuls, she went on and on to bleat…

      • Of interest, the Tartan Shop on Edinburgh’s Royal mile, has a Tartan called “The Khan”. Another Tartan is the “Patel”
        Jeeezuz fucking Christ!

        To define a Scot, they all must have Celtic blood. ( sand and camel shit in yer veins doesn’t count )

      • I remember being in a tartan shop once with my mother, who was fully anglo-scot.

        The excuse is that some Indians &c. ARE related to (ie off spring of) Scots who were serving in the army.

        Mostly, though, I am sure it’s just flogging the tat to as many suckers as possible.

        Don’t even think of looking at Buchanan tartan unless you’ve got welding goggles on; it will make your eyeballs puke. My mother had a Buchanan tartan rug in the back of the Mini (which was Blaze Orange); it clashed orribly.

        It was never car sickness I suffered from, just Buchanan…

      • I watched Question Time, and for once it looked as thought the ‘diverse’ lefty audience were getting pissed off at the ‘mostly’ lefty diverse panel spouting the usual virtue signalling bollocks. JHB was a cut above the rest of the panel, the labour MP is as thick as shit even my dog was rolling his eyes at the crap she was spouting.

        Will Self changed tack when it finally dawned on the drugged up twat his usual trick of playing to the gallery wasn’t working.

        Fucking program is long past its sell by and needs killing off. The host cunt is a lazy lefty biased cunt, much like the rest of BBC cunts.

  7. When all this beardy shit became the norm for hipster snowflakes in their 20’s (as the only show of masculinity modern men are allowed these days) it cast an excruciating breed of mid-30 to mid-40 something “joiners” trying to “get down” with the youngsters.

    The snowflake hipsters are cunts anyway but these mid-life crisis twats are double-cunts for following suit and trying in vain to appeal to Sandra the 20-something PA to the boss, where they congregate like flies round shit!

    You sad cunts! You’ve got more chance of finding the remains of Lucan, Shergar and Hoffa on the same day as you have in getting off with Sandra! Who – by the way – is receiving a length from the boss and he’s watching you cunts!

    • Your last paragraph genuinely made me laugh. It is true, I’ve seen it so many times. The office vultures descending whenever there is a prime (or not so prime) bit of snatch in their immediate vicinity. And it’s usually the ageing ‘lad’ type cunt who thinks he has a chance.

    • As a History teacher, I hear the same sort of nonsense from students year in and year out – there was no Moon landing, 9/11 was an inside job, etc, etc, ad nauseam. An old favourite from when I still taught in the UK was the kid who announced that “Hitler was Jewish” at the start of a unit on Nazi Germany. I used to take the time to explain the scandal that surrounded Hilter’s father’s birth and that Hitler’s opponents were often as anti-Semitic as he was and were trying to diminish him with the hated “Jew” label. These days I often don’t bother and simply tell the “Hitler was Jewish” genius that Elvis Presley assassinated President Kennedy.*

      An interesting post as always, Mike…. I just don’t understand how you can continually question religious beliefs,and yet also mock people who choose to question the likes of the official version of 9/11. Surely these doubters are only questioning the “accepted” version,in pretty much the same way as you are questioning religion?
      As for “These days I often don’t bother and simply tell the “Hitler was Jewish” genius that Elvis assassinated Pres. Kennedy”..Does making a facetious joke of something which may be wrong,but the pupil believes,encourage your pupils to question “established truths”? I know that I wouldn’t have been to keen,as a child,to ask questions,if I was dismissed as a fool.

      • There’sa big difference between questioning “established truths” and spouting crap that was proved false in the early 1930s. Those who labeled Hitler “Jewish” were as anti-Semitic as he was. I’d put this idea in the same league as that Saudi “cleric” who claimed the Earth doesn’t spin on its axis.

        The Elvis and hitler comparison was actually said to a fellow member of staff not a kid.

        Re: 9/11. Occam’s Razor.

      • And you were right about the original post Dick. It made it sound like I say a one-time staff room comment all the time. Have edited the post.

        Want to be my proofreader, if you can spare the time from rimming the fragrant Diane?

      • But you say “the KID who announced that “Hitler was jewish” at the start of a unit on Nazi Germany.” …… No mention of another member of staff.

        As for your certainty that 9/11 conspiracies are a load of “Nonsense”…You must be party to the most sensitive material forbidden to everyone bar the upper echelons of the intelligence community if you can be so definite in your assertion that there was no kind of conspiracy.

  8. Glad for you that you could get it off your chest.

    I will add that the prefix “cheeky” with regarding to consumption is particularly grating, I once heard the phrase “cheeky little nandos”, which I will never forget.

    What makes a consumed item “cheeky”? I guess it says more about the consumer than the circumstances of the consumption, or the nature of that being consumed, in that they are a cunt.

      • No mate. I’m just a pleb worker but I have been the same me – warts and all – since I started working 25yrs ago.

        I have no bones in telling boss and co-workers straight. I always have all the facts in my back pocket to back up my assertions which always win against their “thoughts” and “assumptions”.

        The hipster contingent leave me the fuck alone unless they want to end up as dribbling messes in their “safe spaces” after I rip into them for being feckless children.

        The older (hipster wannabe) ones leave me the fuck alone because to a one they are useless cunts with less go between them than’s in a dose of Andrews – and they know it.

        Other than the usual pleasantries “Hello/Goodbye” and holding the occasional door open I have fuck all to do with the female contingent in the business. Much simpler that way.

        The folks like me – about 5 of us and who do 95% of the work – get on like a house on fire because we know between us that when the shit hits the fan – which it does from time to time – that between us we’ll get it sorted, and – unlike the 08:59 to 17:31 cunts – that we will man our posts until it *is* done.

        The boss pays the money and leaves me the fuck alone because he knows that I get the job done.

        I do drink beer, if that is a real ale then so be it but a proper pint and no less than 6% ABV, not the ponce shite in coke cans!

        Mrs Rebel says I must be hated at work and the best thing about me is that I truly don’t give a fuck what those cunts think one way or another. The only people’s opinion that matters to me are my family’s and the cunt who pays me. Everything else is just background noise.

        I am a self-confessed cunt but I do have one major positive attribute – I have been blessed with a healthy dose of common sense! A rare commodity these days.

      • 🙂

        I fucking hate hipsters and fucking pretentious twat beards. I hope they burn. What also annoys me is men wearing stupid fucking hats. Why the fuck do djs wear fucking cloth caps? The beards and hat bullshit all vomes together for mumford and sons whos appearance, together with their shitty hipster trying to be authentic music, makes them utter UTTER cunts.

    • I don’t know where the use of ‘cheeky’ came from in the context of ‘banter’ but, like a sub-strand of microscopic DNA, that one minuscule detail contains an enormous wealth of information; in this case what an unfettered, home-brewed cunt a person uttering that word must be. It tells you pretty much everything about them in a single snapshot.

      Instantly, one can identify this person as not only being a cunt, but having a cuntish social circle, cuntish interests, cunt acquaintances, cunt parents and usually a cuntish profession. You know instantly what they eat, what they watch, and what they do in their spare time.

      I think I’ll patent this scientific breakthrough as ‘cunt fingerprinting’.

      • I was in the dole office the other day for a so-called Rapid Reclaim (a promised three-week contract ending after one week), and the dwp guy was reading through my CV..

        “I am reasonably patient…”. He had a bloody good laugh, and it stayed in, unaltered.

        I try hard, I really do, but some cunts are just beyond redemption.

  9. “In one scenario, married couples no longer need to think twice about having children because education and day care services for preschoolers are free and students can start paying college tuition once they build their careers.” What? You want to make it cheaper for people to have children? Are you Crazy japan Wouldn’t you rather import ten million peacefuls & niggers from the Sub-Sahara who are below IQ average? It worked out great for Europe Why the fuck can’t britian do this! Why do we pay to have mongs and terrorists to live among us, tell me why in a reasonable manner Why? For Fuck Sake!!

    • Japan is a really interesting case. Basically, the men, en masse, have turned their back on women for whatever reason, and their birth rate is plummeting – hence the desperation to get people popping out sprogs again.

      Mind you, credit to them for not taking the immigration option. Japan has always kept foreigners at a distance, despite being relatively polite etc. They’ve probably seen the calamity of West/NorthWestern Europe and thought “fuck that for a game of samurais, I’d rather hump my anime pillow, san”

      • Anime pillows are at least cheaper then real waifu’s lol good cunting btw Empire

        I hate lad banter cheeky pint, cheeky nandos, cheeky cheese everythings fucking cheeky! lad culture is so stupid

  10. Top notch cunting and as usual great comments to follow. Although i wear fashionable glasses i dont have a beard, or jeans that a 7 yr old would struggle to get into causing the meat and two veg into a mangina camel toe. Just waiting for suckdick can’t to make the obligatory comments that actually stir up more racial hatred.

    • He already has. Usual soundbites: more money for Londonistan, terrorism will no be tolerated (unless it’s “peaceful” terrorism), and asking the public to remain calm (which is Khan speak not for being worried about more bombs, no, when he says this he means not to be offensive to his fellow bomb-making “peacefuls”). The cunt!

      • Wonder when Igor from Young Frankenstein in a Beatle wig (aka Bertie Blue Fanny, Noel Gallagher) will get his banjo out and wail ‘Don’t Look Crap In Anger’ to those who suffered yesterday…. Because remember: every time we sing it, we win….

        What a fucking cunt he really is…

  11. False nostalgia deserves a cunting.

    For some inexplicable reason I was thinking about Little and Large, and how at the time I thought Eddie Large’s impressions were amazing. Thinking back on it, there were fucking shite. Basically the same voice and food for anyone, compared to Rory Bremner he was a fat fucking clown.

    All the things you reckon were better in the 60s, 70s or 80s if you’re that young were actually crap.

    Watch old episodes of drama shows, comedy, basically anything, all bollocks.

    Nylon clothing, cold houses, shite food. All a big pile of steaming turd.

    • That’s what was good about Life On Mars…. Dean Andrews (DS Ray Carling) said that he remembered his dad having a ‘work shirt’: which was just an ordinary (sometimes dull) shirt and tie.. So they stuck to that idea and there was no fake 70s garishness (like that utter pile of Yankee crap, That 70s Show)…. Same goes for Julie Goodyear when she played Bet Lynch in the 70s and 80s… Julie said she wore those outfits because she went round markets and shops and bought clothes that were affordable on a barmaid’s wages… Whereas now a barmaid in Corrie or Emmerdale now looks like a pampered and ponced up identikit WAG… Realism has gone right out the window…

      • Life On Mars made a reference to white dog shit, something I remember well as a kid in the 70s. Walking along the street with mum constantly saying ‘mind the dog mess’.

        It felt like the program makers had captured the essence of the 70s.

        White dog shit and smelly metal dustbins.

  12. So no one had Harry Dean Stanton dead at 91? damn such easy pickings too.. he was a good supporting actor as far as I’m concerned Alien, Escape from NY, Twin Peaks are a few hes been in

    • The Mighty was an underrated film.. Featuring the late Harry Dean Stanton, Gillan Anderson and Sharon Stone…

      • Absolutely Norm he was a good supporting actor Cool hand Luke, Kellys heroes, Wild at heart, Two-Lane Blacktop, UFOria, godfather 2 to name a few more good ones. He was from a time where yanks actually made good films

      • Also appeared in Christine and Escape from New York. Popped up in one of the Marvel Avengers films as well…

  13. The laddism shite started in the 90s: with crap like Loaded magazine, Ginger Bollocks on TFI Cuntday, bleeps and farts wank like Prodigy and Underworld (Lager! Lager! etc) and cunts like Damon Albarn and Supergrass pretending not be posho middle class cunts and pretending to be cockanee geezas and goin’ dahn the dogs…

    That said theugh, as irritating as it was, I would rather be back in the 90s with all that than have all this LGBMTXYZ. gender neutral, transbender, not enough black people in anything and everything, muslamists are nice guys really, snowflakes offended by anything that moves bollocks….

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