BBQ

Posted on by


I’d like to nominate barbecues for a cunting.

Anyone that barbecues deserves all they get. Barbeques….smelly fucking things stinking out everything around them for a couple of hundred yards.

Oh let’s have a barbecue on the decking luv and invite all our BMW X5 driving chav mates round to keep the neighbours awake until four in the morning” Cunts.

Barbecued food is awful, undercooked or overcooked and all tastes the same. Burnt.

What do these cunts think an oven, grill, toaster, hob, microwave etc are for? Cunts.

Nominated by Ian Appropriate

162 thoughts on “BBQ”

  1. BBQs are a great idea. They keep all the arseholes and their revolting,screaming brats out of the pub. Plus there’s always the chance that they’ll poison themselves with undercooked meat,or even set themselves alight while squirting lighter-fuel on to the fucking thing. Every family should have one.

    • Love that DF !! You have turned a negative into a positive!!
      Good skills…..

      • I like to think that I’m a “glass half full” type of bloke, Q. There’s no misfortune that happens to someone else that can’t bring a smile to my face.

      • Zee Germans have a word for it, Schadenfreude. I’m a big schadenfreude enthusiast myself, too.

      • Here’s a good story re shadenfreude!!
        My older brother got hacked off with work, so him and his new wife decided to jack their jobs, rent their house buy a camper van and do one…
        On a campsite in France they were sitting with a bunch of Germans, properly on the piss and having some banter, weather turns shitty , wind and rain then a car with a Dutch plate turns up to pitch a tent?? ” zis will be funny announces the German host” on mass they all turn their chairs round to enjoy the show!! The Dutchman gets out his tent and with its the instructions ” das ist good” lots of the Germans laughing!! , now the Dutchman knows it’s game on, he actually tries to pitch the tent!! , up up and away!! , one German laughed so hard the Cunt fell off his chair!! , my sister in law is a proper do gooder then launches into my brother for not helping the Dutchman!! , the Germans piss themselves….
        obviously it’s a sport in germany 😂😂

  2. There’s something primeval about an open air fire that makes certain inadequate men want to be in charge of it. Ok…..I may not have gone out and hunted this meat but it’s all mine and I’m going to dish it out because I’m the alpha male. Yes we’ve all met the Barbie wanker. He stands there working so hard , sweat rolling off him but HE FUCKING LOVES IT! It gives him a fucking hard on. If he really wants to be top dog he wears a Barbecue tool belt. You have to see one of these things to believe them. The really expensive ones even have a pocket to hold a beer can. If your Barbie alpha male has one of these you know you are talking to a top class 100 per cent CUNT.

  3. Worse are BBQ wankers using gas burners. That is an oven, in your garden you fucking twats. No skill in that.

    I like a BBQ (so therefore must be a cunt) but you need to cook over coal/wood or it’s fucking cheating.

    I also stay in my garden until at least two in the morning with my pissed up friends, because I’m a cunt!

    • Got to agree with you there BR. I’m one of those cunts who likes to cook on the BBQ, but then again I cook all year round inside too, so I know what I’m doing. I loathe those incompetent tossers who only ever cook when its BBQ time. They are the ones who give it all a bad name: “all the gear, no idea” cunts who think that a chicken drumstick that’s black on the outside after 5 minutes must be cooked. Cunts!

  4. Used to have neighbours in the ‘Britpop’ era who were fucking horrendous…. I’ve seen dog turds with more class… Every time there was a bit of warm weather these cunts would get out the barbecue, get pissed on their spaz Juice (Stella Aretwats) and blare out/sing along to ‘Parklife’ ‘Alright’ by Supergrass, some crap by Kula Shaker, and (worst of all) ‘Dancing In The Moonlight’ by Toploader… Horrible smells and even more horrible noises were commonplace…. Smoke from their crappy barbi combined with ‘Govinda Jaya Jaya!’ sung terribly out of tune by two complete tossers and their silly slag wives… And they made Euro 96 almost intolerable… Baddiel and fucking Skinner on all the cunting time…. Utter cunts….

    • I’m a bit disappointed that you haven’t gone to the “Run for the 96” event being held in memory of the Hillsborough victims at Stanley Park, Liverpool today, Norman. Scousers aren’t ones for showing public grief,so a bit of support would probably have been appreciated. (along with the hubcaps and radio from your car.)

      • Are they going to have a “Run for the 39” as well? Or would that be “racist”?

      • Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

        Ye can’t fit that much shite in a tennis shoe.

      • At least I can’t be called a racist. I don’t consider any race to be superior. I have the same level of contempt for every breed.

      • People die in a stampede and they want to commemorate it with a stampede???

        I hope someone doesn’t fall over.

      • My mate is a spurs supporter and Jewish.
        He was talking to a Scouse cunt who had to bring up Hillsborough.
        He told him that 96 was fuck all. His supporters got 6 million and they have been milking it now for 70 years.

  5. In South Africa they consider cooking with anything but wood to be poofta territory. And they call it brai not BBQ because BBQs are for cunts. You burn the wood down until it is embers and then you cook with those. Every cunt in SA has a brai, some are outside and some are inside and some cunts even have 2, one inside and one outside which makes them uber cunts.

  6. Never eaten anything from a barbecue that wouldn’t have tasted better if cooked properly indoors. Most of it’s under or overcooked rubbish, no one buys the best meat to cook over a fire to be mullered by a bunch of drunks.
    Get them all pissed ,tell them the Barbie won’t light and serve up hot sausage and bacon sarnies from the kitchen, no complaints.

    • My brai is more of a slow cooker/smoker sort of thing but the charcoal they have here in Spain is so fucking shit quality it only lasts about an hour before going out and it takes at least 2 hours to do a chicken. They don’t do those long burning brickets here, only lumps of charcoal which is mostly broken down into little bits and fucking useless. Spain really is a backward shit hole of a place.

      Yes, I am a cunt……

      • You don’t seem very fond of Spain SE? I guess your leaving soon.

  7. Speaking of barbecues you never hear the people of Bradford whinging on about the 56 who died in their football disaster. Mind you, most of the population are Camel Drivers and they’re not really into football. Every time they get a corner they open a shop on it. (Copyright B.Manning 1973)

  8. BBQ’s smell fuuuuuckin great.

    My complaint about BBQ’s is that when I’ve been , in my carnivore years, all i ever got was a burger and sausage.
    If ye invite twenty plus people to a BBQ, buy and cook at least fifty burgers.
    Spend all day in the garden drinking, whilst smelling and drooling over the food, and all I’ve ever ended up with was one burger, one sausage and maybe a bit of salad.

    Get a grip BBQ guy.

    • No way that I’d invite 20+ people around to eat and drink at my expense….Mind,can’t actually think of 20 people who’d turn up even if I did.

      • Personally I hate Barbecues, not for the cooking! No because a Barbecue is a very complex weather station, much better than those over payed cunts from the met office, why, because every time I have a barbecue it fucking rains. Lovely blue sky nice and warm sunshine, so you get out the charcoal load it in the Barbecue light it, then as the charcoal is just about ready to throw on the burgers, out of nowhere the clouds come and the downpour begins Barbecues fuck em!

      • The Flabbott would Dick and I am sure Gemma Arterton would after you had charmed the knickers off her

      • I only hate the ones which involve a load of loud cuntish chavs invading for the day.

      • I’d happily let Gemma nibble on my foot-long frankenfurter…lets be honest,I’d probably let Diane have a gobble too.

    • You may not be able to fuck up ISAC yet, but you’ve definitely fucked my hash addled brain.

      Help me out here, what’s going on. 🙂

  10. The one and only time I had a BBQ was a fucking disaster.
    I had those bags of charcoal that you light the corner of.
    Decided three bags wasn’t enough so threw two more on the already glowing embers.
    Said bags instantly expanded, exploded and showered everyone in charcoal of various temperatures.

    Pie n’ chips all round….

  11. The ranting penguin blog October 26 2012 ?

    Can’t see anything there X mate.

  12. Another day in the sad empty life of the troll. Extra wanks for you later, sad little man.

  13. I was selling a motorbike a bit ago and got a call from this one guy who said he was interested. He said he had to travel quite a way to take a look so asked for photos etc. which was all fair enough I suppose. Then he started asking questions about VINs and other specifications to get an insurance quote. The he would call and ask about something else. And then he said he wanted it and arranged to come round. But then he didn’t show because his mate forgot to pick him up and on and on it went. In the end he had told me all sorts about himself, he was a yank who had been 30 years in the army and had 2 dogs and 3 houses back in the US and 2 other motorbikes back there too and on and on and on. Did he ever show up with the money? Did he fuck. He was a complete time wasting cunt.

    I just don’t understand it, what did he get out of it? He wasted my time and his own, must have made at least a dozen phone calls, some of them over half an hour which must have cost him a bit. Was he just lonely and wanted someone to talk to? How sad is that? I still don’t get it. What do time wasting cunts get out of it?

    If there are any budding psychologists out there please chip in as I’m fucking scoobied.

    • I was so glad I had a tidy price when I part exed my last bike for my new one. I don’t think I could have coped with all the bollocks that goes with selling bikes private. The world is full of cunts!

      • Last bike I sold some cunt from Belfast phoned up wanted me to meet him with the bike at Stanstead at 10 pm on a Thursday night. Fucking joker.

  14. Barbecues are shit. Gruesome, unhygienic, noxious-tasting corpses broiling on a grill encrusted with aged botulism while dullard middle-management bell-ends pretend to enjoy themselves.

    There’s a kitchen ten feet away.

  15. I found the comments on ranting penguin blog.
    It was just what was printed earlier today.
    Where’s all the other stuff???

    ——————-

    Hello “Anonymous” , in answer to yer question “how do i get past moderation so i can wind them up, lol”
    I don’t think you could wind any cunt up with a brain that cant even manage to leave a comment on ISAC.
    I’m a fuckin Luddite, and i managed it.

    Cant wait for someone to help ye get through.
    I look forward to your wind up.

    • I’m confused about all this ‘Ranting Penguin’ stuff as the blog hasn’t been active since 2012.
      I used to read it regularly.
      Perhaps Doublecunt can’t read dates?

      • Dioclese, the Ranting penguin stuff is all in the comments on the top thread.

        The comments are still active

      • Thanks for that. Just posted the following over there FYI :

        Er….
        This blog has been dead since 2012 so what exactly is the point?

        Strange that when Anna Raccoon called at your house and had a little chat with you, you then posted comments quoting what was said. Only you and her were present so unless your ‘alter ego’ is psychic then I guess your protestation of innocence is just bollocks isn’t it?

        Either way, I couldn’t care less as ISAC is fuck all to do with me these days.

        And as one guy said earlier today, you’re on the wrong blog : It’s “…is a cunt” not “I am a cunt”

        Have a nice life…

        Bloke’s a fucking idiot. What’s the point of putting stuff on a dead blog nobody is reading? Beats me…

      • Yours is the first comment.

        I really cant make head nor tale of it. Its all a bit scrambled, what little content there is.

        Both of us get a mention though.

      • Forgot him, he’s just a sad cunt doing sad cunt stuff. I used to at least try and understand why cunts did cunt stuff, be it mental illness, or been fucked by uncles as a child, but who gives a fuck! A cunt is a cunt, and he is a cunt. He doesn’t give a fuck about anyone, so why would he care about the troll address on the home page if it isn’t him? None too bright is he?

  16. BBQ? Gets a cunting? No fucking way.
    Everything tastes better when cooked on a BBQ, if you know what your doing.
    Even a Trifle would taste good with a bit of BBQ flavour.

    • I can make home made smoked ice cream. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it Hesten Bloomingcunt!

    • Guess what? The cunt next door has just ”fired up the barbie” and about 30 retards have just turned up in his garden. Here we go again… serves me right for nominating BBQ’s for a cunting I suppose.
      I stand by the nomination though.

  17. The worst ones are the dickheads who spend £200 on one those huge fuckers that are powered by a gas bottle. For fucks sake, that’s what gas cookers are for. The assholes who buy that kind of BBQ tend to be smug fuckers, who think they’re the outdoors version of Jamie Oliver. Bell ends.

    • Exactly, gas doesn’t flavour it with real BBQ flavour, some of those machines are proper expensive as well.

    • I saw one of those on some sky TV shopping channel, its was called something like ” the BBQ BASTARD” a huge fuckin monstrosity with an even bigger price tag!! Seriously what sort of Cunt parts with his hard earned for that??? ……

      • Probably the sort who thinks starting his gardening by mowing the lawn at 8am on a Sunday morning is a good idea. They also tend to BBQ poncey shit like corn on the cob.

  18. And to add my bit to the previous cunting. Migrant accordion players are annoying cunts. I’ve always hated the accordion, it sounds like a duck being repeatedly punched in the stomach. And it has to be a foreign cunt who plays it, no Brit would be that much of cunt.

    • On a similar note, I would like to cunt mariachi bands. I fucking hate mariachi bands. Unless I was in Mexico perhaps.

      What is it with these cunts?

      Its why i wont eat Mexican food. Theres something about the cunts that think if you are in spitting distance of the cunts you want to bust out la cucaracha with them.

      They are however, the chavs idols, along with cunts like the gypsy king bands in Spanish restaurants. Fucking annoying cunts.

      • Don’t ever go to Laredo in Texas. The cunts have practically reclaimed it as Mexican territory. And they are the cunts of cunts about it.

      • Been to Mexico and it didn’t help!!! Very very annoying….
        If your out with your wife/ girlfriend why does some utter Cunt think it’s okay to bowl over to your table strumming a fuckin guitar and screeching like a feral cat?? Unless of course you asked for it?? Go away Cunt!! We’re eating!!!! 😡😡

  19. Not to ruin your appetites punters but there seems to be a cow rapist on the loose “Hide your sheep hide your cows cause they be raping everyones animals up in here” – Some black guy from the ghetto

    https://www.rt.com/uk/387756-cow-sex-attacker-police/ TLWCL Too lazy won’t click link “The man was described as Asian and in his mid-20s, wearing an old-looking green shell-type jacket. He was also believed to be around 6ft tall, with short black hair and slim build.” Come on RT I expected this inaccurate reporting from the beeb not mother russia… asian? hes fucking middle eastern knock it off with this “asian” misleading oriental shite

    • You are being cunted on Rambling Penguin Blog.
      Go on first comment and read replies.

      • Same load of poorly constructed bollocks he leaves here.
        Tragic cunt that he is…

      • I am being cunted on who’s blog bman? and whos rambling penguin… I thought Penguins waddle haha they evolved

        I went out for a veggie burger with my mum for mothers day so apologies for the late reply

      • Supposedly you , Norman and Dioclese can be found on Hampstead Heath at 12:00 , cottaging.

        When we’re being discussed elsewhere by name, i call that success.

      • PS
        Good choice of burger, TitSlapper and TitSlapper’s Mater.
        I’m just about to heat up some veg lasagne

      • I wonder how “anonymous” thinks he knows what’s going on in Hampstead Heath of an evening.

      • I realised that it wasn’t “anonymous” that posted the comment, so i went to check who it was and i can’t find it anymore.

        Remember, i’m clueless about most things world wide weby, but i think that page has gone.

      • Birdman@ Yeah it was good….. it was like a greek themed vegan burger with feta,cucumber, tomato, tzaiki sauce, with chickpea patty turned out better then I originally thought

        This blog thing seems to be outdated tho and I can’t find my comment either https://theramblingpenguin.wordpress.com/ funny maybe its rickies site I dunno

  20. Fat leprechaun cunt Eamon Holmes slated by the twitterati bell ends for not hugging and kissing trans freak Caitlin Jenner and shook the fuckers hand instead on This Morning. Your not a woman you sad fuck, face like a pork scratching in a bad wig and a dress with libtard cunts telling you to empower yourself does not alter genetics.

    • You fucker, I nearly choked laughing then. Face like pork scratching…..

      • I cant take credit unfortunately , Jay from the Inbetweeners owns that one but its a personal favourite.

      • Any man who likes to dress up as a woman either believes themselves to actually be a woman and is therefore a mental or else he just likes prancing about in frilly knickers before the mirror prior to having a wank and is therefore a pervert. So there are your choices, Bruce; a mental or a pervert. Which?

      • He was married to the witch who made the Kardiashian sisters, so I’m guessing a mental.

  21. birdman
    Dioclese
    TitSlapper
    Norman
    Sean Of The Dead 69
    have all been mentioned on Ranting Penguin.
    Does that put us in the running for Cunters Of The Year?

    How shite are you other cunters that nobody’s talking about you????????

      • Is this ranting penguin Rickie Doublecunts blog? The troll mentioned it the other day didn’t it.

      • There is only one thing worse than being cunted, and that is not being cunted.

      • What?! No mention of any of the female member on here, whose identities he shamelessly stole and tried to make look bad?…
        Of course the little sicko will conveniently overlook his own thieving deviancy..

      • Do you get a good signal on Hampstead Heath? 🙂

        Some guy called Muslim something was claiming you were jealous of Liverpool .
        I know, i know, pick yerself up from the floor, coz i bet yer rolling around with laughter at that one.
        There was some other tat as well, but it must have been really interesting, that I’ve forgotten.

        This fame game is brilliant, innit?

    • Nice work you fellow cunters. Does that mean you go in some kind of Cunt Hall of Fame?

  22. When the sun shows any sign of coming out my cunty neighbours bring their bbq gear out. If they aren’t eating bbq food it is McShit crap. My neighbours are loathsome cunts

  23. A peaceful family live two doors down…a bunch of us will chip in and spit roast a hog.

      • I really wonder what the smell of crispy bacon does to the karma of our peaceful friends ? To me it is the most delicious mouth watering smell I can imagine. To them ? Hmmmm must try.

      • Be careful, you can go to jail for that. Hate crime, and all that. Doesn’t seem to matter much the other way around though……

      • Absolutely. Possession of a bacon sarnie within 50 miles of a Muslim is a serious crime.

  24. I do like a barbecue, best had up in the wilds, or down at the beach, away from every cunt. My neighbors don’t give a fuck though, they can plainly see that there is washing on the line, but spark up the barbie anyway. It’s not malicious, because usually they aren’t cunts, it’s just thoughtless.

  25. I see James Hewitt is still alive and breathing. Some cunt at MI6 is going to get a severe bollocking for that.

    • Never mind, Edinburgh has spare time to visit him and accidentally pull the plug

  26. I was at a garden BBQ once and coz there was kids there, i was told to go round the front garden to smoke a cigarette.
    WTF?????.

    Also, a lot of cunts don’t know how to BBQ properly.
    Its the glowing coals you cook on , not flames.
    When you cook on flames, it appears to be cooked on the outside, but its not in the inside.
    Still, you can poison irritating guests using the flames.

    • Nothing wrong with poisoning a few irritating cunts….

      Talking of irritating cunts, they have the baftas on and naturally the mandatory luvvie taking some sort of shot at Trump.

      Change the fucking record already cunt!

      • The DAFTAS.

        I take Stephen Fry will be involved.
        I don’t have BBC, so let me guess the usual suspects

        Stephen Fry
        Emma Watson
        Idris Elba
        Maggie Smith
        Judy Dench
        Bendadick Cumsplat
        The cast and director of that benefit filum, I Bob , or something, and
        NADIYA

        Did i get any right?

      • Fuck knows, I promptly switched over after that bit, the one who made it was one of those Bake Off hosts, Mel or Sue, I don’t know or give a shit which is which.

      • If your anti Trump/Brexit and suck the bell end off the ABBC your a shoe in for some plastic cunt of the year award.

      • Emma Twatson going on about being gender neutral… well, if it looks like a turd, smells like a turd….

  27. Well bollocks to you lot. I love a BBQ. Good food, esp slow roasted big hunks of meat served with salad I have grow in the greenhouse washed down with bloody good beer and wine. Don’t invite anybody just myself and Mrs TB, with radio 5 on for the footy or test match special.Not a burger in sight.

  28. Poor eyesight deserves a cunting.

    Was halfway through a rant, and then realised this was not about B&Q (he’ll on earth if ever there was one)…

    A complete waste of my time, feel like a complete cunt now.

    • Don’t feel bad, B&Q are utter Cunts!! I’m sure them, wickes and Homebase will cop a cunting very soon…..

      • IKEA is top cuntitude for being full to the brim of everyone’s little dahlings, sperm-of-satan brats that run around the place, totally out of control… mostly Emmas and Twistwams. Where is King Herod when you need a reliable in-store kiddy-care attendant ?

      • Ikea is a fucking awful place, full of crap tat and cunts. I have only been there once in my life and could not find anything worthwhile to buy, and was pleased to get out the place

        How the fuck is the place so popular? what type of cunt do have to be to shop there?

        Cunts drive for miles to go there too, what the fuck for? Crap furniture and furnishings, for some reason people equate price with quality, no you morons, Ikea stuff is just expensive shit, the fact it costs a lot does not mean it is of better quality, it just you being a gullible cunt and parting with your hard earned for shit.

        I fucking despair of people, but of course, we all know that the world is populated by cunts, so the likes of Ikea remain with us.

        Ikea customers are human vermin that need exterminating.

        Cunts the lot of them.

  29. I do love a good bbq.
    I don’t invite any other cunt round. I just like to sit in the garden with a beer and a book, listening to the song birds and the hiss of the drips onto the coals.
    Watching all the creatures buzzing around the garden, going about their business.
    The odd puff of meat flavoured smoke and the sticky bbq sauce on the sausages and the crispy skin on the chicken.
    I do love a good bbq.

    Fuck gas bbq’s though. ….whats the point.
    …cheating cunts.

  30. I don’t really feel I can really contribute on this thread. I always fuck up a BBQ. The truth is, my fare looks and smells like a post apocalyptic blaze on the fucking Serengeti, with charred remains of various animals encased in a unique crisp coating of ash and charred flesh.
    It is something that lies beyond me. Even the fucking boiled eggs look like balls of shite.

Comments are closed.