The second coming


Jesus will never come back here to sort shit out. Think of it from his point of view:

Yo dad! I ain’t going back there, no fucking way man! They’re still carrying those fucking cross things around just on the off chance I do turn up and they’re ready to string me up again dude! No way! Anyway I was having a chat with Mohammed next door and they’re busting to the rafters with these virgins. Everyone of them male, between 18 and 24, all gunshot victims, totally sad dude! Hey when a new one arrives you can hear the rest say “Doh! Another man!”, yeah like fucking “Doh!” man like that Homer Simpson dude! Anyway he was wondering if we can take a few of them off his hands cos…….er….no, he’s already had a word with Satan but he doesn’t want the cunts either man!

Nominated by: Rebel without a Cunt!

35 thoughts on “The second coming

  1. Ye have little faith Certain parts of revelation actually point towards doubt and lawlessness being 2 main happenings of the 2nd coming ironicly enough.

    Also Jesus wouldn’t smoke you damn heathen! and I doubt he’d use his symbolic flaming heart as a lighter… though I suppose cigarette smoke wouldn’t harm the son of god anyway seeing how he can’t die

  2. The Jesus story predates erm Jesus and a similar story can be found in many other religions. In the world of theology now dominated by three major religions the view of Jesus vary widely. Religion v.1.0 believes Jesus to be a false messiah currently burning in a pit of excrement. Religion v.2.0 believe Jesus is our salvation and the only path to God. Religion v3.0 believe Jesus to be a prophet but denies his divinity and places him below the merchant, warrior with a fondness for the much much younger woman.

    People who have made a life long study of esoteric mythology believe that Jesus represents the Sun of God and is indeed Sun worship, the Catholic Church stems from moon worshippers and Islam is worship of Saturn or indeed SATAN interesting stuff.

    The only truth universal to all religions is that your God will help you if you help yourself and the more you help yourself the more your god will help you.

  3. Unfortunately,he can’t come back. As the only available virgin, he’s too busy being buggered by the peaceful people.

  4. I wouldn’t say I am Christian, although that’s the Religion I identify mostl with. I believe in the Creator, who created every fucking thing. If you look at the world, at how we live on a planet the perfect distance from the Dun for life to survive and also how the human body is designed to survive and the complexities of ourselves I don’t understand how anyone can say there is no Creator. To all those ‘Big Bang’ science can explain everything cunts you can fuck right off. You expect me to believe that there was nothing then all of a sudden there was a big bang? Who enabled the big bang? Yeah thought so, you don’t know do you. To all the ‘if I can’t see it I don’t believe it’ cunts let me ask you do you believe in love. What is love? You can’t put love under a microscope and say it was when some Star formed years ago, fuck off. We as humans are cunts, as when we don’t understand something we can’t accept it and try to explain it. Some things cannot be explained, accept it and be grateful to be alive and here you cunts. Amen.

    • I don’t give a shit what load of bullshit people choose to believe,as long as they don’t spout their crap at me. Cant for cunts,the whole fucking lot of it.

      • I agree with you, when looking at the sheer complexity of the universe, and faced with our very limited ability to explain much of it, it would seem strange to absolutely believe that there could not be a higher intelligence or purpose. That aside, regardless of whether or not Christ was the son of, or the spokesman of, God; the teachings of the gospels offer as good a basis as any to live your life without being a cunt.

      • I argee fully with BWC I’ve never taken the big bang theory that seriously. The chances of a explosion from nothing is 1 million to to 1 makes no sense to me. How can something explode from nothingness and form everything?

        England’s disbelief in christianity has actually helped ruin us as a nation. To the point where we no longer agree on anything. Disbelief breaks the tribe

      • Well said Titslapper, this country will be a Muslim country in 50 years time maybe less. It’s not a coincidence that the moral decline in this country happens at the same time Christianity has declined.

    • Except the theory doesn’t say from nothing and evolution doesn’t say we evolved from apes. You can look this shit up you know.

      • I suggest you read some science books.

        The argument that complexity is proof of a creative intelligence is 101 level bollocks. Take the eye for example, a complex structure to be sure and the evolution of which we can track from a group of darkly pigmented cells right up to the human eye. There is nothing to say that the eye will not evolve further, in fact it certainly will as evolution is an ongoing process. It was not created, it evolved. We have actual evidence of this. Where is the evidence that a man who lives in the sky created everything?

        If you want to believe in fairy stories and have imaginary friends, then that is fine. But don’t start bringing science into it until you learn something about science.

      • I did learn a bit Science at school by it was all bollocks, I liked the Bunson Burner though.

      • “There is nothing to say that the eye will not evolve further, in fact it certainly will as evolution is an ongoing process”

        Then what did the eye originally look like was it brown? does the brown eye evolve?! o O 🙂

        “If you want to believe in fairy stories and have imaginary friends, then that is fine.”

        Are you gonna go there are you? already at petty insults the atheists (Hatetheists) favorite calling card? Jesus wasn’t imaginary and screw you my best friends as a child were imaginary

        Also stories in the bible might have been embellished or exaggerated whatever but a great deal of verifiable history is contained within with real people.

      • I’m atheist but I believe Jesus existed. I just don’t believe the miracles actually happened.

      • Existed yes.
        Messiah no.
        Python got it right. They were desperately looking for a glimmer of hope.
        None of the so called gospels were contemporaneous. Just folk stories handed down.

  5. Thing is if Jesus did come back again he would smoke, drink and shag. Smoking would be new to him but I’d see him rolling a bit of drum in the auld liquorice papers.

    From all accounts he used to love a drink with his mates and was more than likely playing “hide the sausage” with Mary Magdalen.

    So you’d have a heterosexual bloke who likes a smoke and a drink, and would probably have a yearly flutter on the national.

    The modern Christian church and PC liberalites at the BBC would hate the cunt, wanting to hold a referendum on a new Messiah.

    “Well he’s been selected by God himself but he’s not really the Messiah we’re looking for. We’d much prefer him to be a bit more like Eddie Izzard or – even better – that beardy Indian lass cos then we’re covered on all of the race, sex and sexuality angles. Ok, shall we hold the vote?”

    Meanwhile in heaven…

    “Peter my son, what’s troubling you?”

    “Well you see gaffer it’s Jesus, the people of earth don’t want him as their Messiah so they’ve voted in a Hindu lass with a beard in.”

    “What!?! Shit how’s Jesus taking it?”

    “Well he was hoping they’d have killed him by the time he was 32 but they’re all so self-obsessed with themselves no one can be arsed. He’s tried to get over to Syria to see if ISIS will lob his head off – what with him being a Jew and all – but some do-gooding cunts keep intercepting him in Turkey and sending him back to the UK for counselling.”

    “So what’s he doing now then?”

    “Well he’s flipping burgers in a Maccy D’s. We’d given him 80yrs down there this time but he’s eating shit, drinking, smoking and whoreing around in the hope he’ll have a coronary or get aids or summat. Fucking ingrates the lot of them!”

    “Aye, you’re right there Pete, free will is a cunt!”

  6. If Jesus did return I doubt anyone would notice, what with all the virtue signaling going on he would look like just another SJW cunt.

  7. I don’t think Second Coming is as good as their classic debut, but it’s still a decent, and underrated, album… Tears, Begging You and Love Spreads being the standouts… Not enough of the great Reni’s drums on it though…

    Oh, you mean ‘The’ Second Coming? If he was coming, he’d have been here by now, but I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t return to this dump…. If there was/is a JC, he’d take one look at the Calais Jungle and probably think, ‘Loaves and fishes is one thing, but these cunts will want iPhones, benefits, houses, and women on tap to attack… Fuck this for a game of soldiers…’

    • Their 2nd album is a bit of a disappointment a bit too rushed, material isn’t that strong Im surprised a hardcore fan like you is admitting its weakness.

      Speaking of stone roses and the second coming there is alot of religious christian inspired lyrics in their music for example take the song “I am the Resurrection” I wanna be adored even songs like bye bye badman and she bangs the drums have some lyrics too. Far from being a christian band but a few songs could be interpreted as such

  8. One thing I find interesting is how many non Christians or non believers in Christ have got married in church or when they die have a church service. I don’t understand.

    • No harm in hedging your bets, I guess. Apparently if you say sorry on your deathbed, God forgives you for whatever shit you’ve been up to, and lets you into the promised land to have a crack at 22 virgins while Lynyrd Skynyrd play “Four Walls of Raiford”as you sup magic mushroom tea.
      Or so some cunt in a dogcollar told me, of course I was off my tits at the time,so it might have actually been next doors Great Dane.

    • Me neither, I guess years ago there wasn’t much in the way of an alternative. Now you can have secular/non-religious weddings and funerals.

  9. Comment from HBelindaHubbard (has IT problems -don’t we all?) :

    Personally, I incline towards rubber !!
    In case of monumental cock-up, everything can be sorted with a sponge and lukewarm water…

  10. I did a song called the second coming. It was a sort of Sabbathy grungy rock thing – a bit of an experiment and not my usual style.

    Possibly the worst thing I’ve ever done and I wish I’d never released it!

    Amazingly it sells well in Japan. Fuck knows why! It’s crap!

  11. The decline in Christian belief has ruined the country. We don’t burn Catholics and witches any more. It’s a travesty. To say ‘we don’t understand why this happened, therefore God’ is extremely ignorant. The honest answer is ‘we don’t know’. Thinking up bullshit arguments that explain fuck all don’t help. How did this ‘God’ start everything? How was God created? No-one ever answers that. I know he’s always been yet everything else has to be created. How fucking convenient.

    • There is a lot that science still doesn’t know. It finds things like consciousness quite difficult for example. Some of science can actually be as weired and dogmatic as religion, the multiverse theory springs to mind.

      That is the theory that there are an infinite number of universes existing at the same time in parallel dimensions. There is no evidence for this, it was simply postulated in order to explain the very narrow margin of error of the cosmological constant. You see, most other constants like gravity and the speed of light can be fucked about with quite a bit and you still end up with a universe that we would recognize, stars, planets, solar systems, galaxies etc. But you can’t do this with the cosmological constant, if you alter this by as little as 1 by 10 to the 40th power the universe is fucked. This started to sound a little too much like an intelligent creator for some scientists so the multiverse theory was put forward to negate this.

      The common perception amongst non scientists is that science claims it has all the answers. It does not and no serious scientist would claim it did.

  12. Perhaps the only bible we need contains just the one verse: “Don’t be a cunt!” Here endeth the lesson

  13. The most concerning this is it’s 2000 years since the last cumming. So this one will probably take someone’s eye out.

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