Amazon at Christmas


Just think of poor little Jonny on Xmas day, he rushes down to the tree to see if Santa has been and delivered his Xbox, he has been a good boy all year, he wrote his letter to Santa and cannot contain his excitement…

He rushes down the stairs, “has he been? has he been?” he proclaims…

Under the tree is nothing, not one present. Jonny cannot work this out, he had been a good boy.
He asks his MUm, “Why did Santa not come?”

“Jonny”, she replies, “he uses Royal Mail & Yodel to deliver his presents,” “and they have not arrived. Remember when you wrote to santa on-line in September, asking for an Xbox?”

“Yes mummy”

“Well everything is on-line now, even Santa’s deliveries come from the magical elfs’ factory, known as Amazon. He does not guarantee delivery by Xmas”

Happy fucking Christmas Jonny!

Nominated by:Boaby

35 thoughts on “Amazon at Christmas

  1. it is true santa is a cunt,if he could be bothered to do his job properly he wouldn’t have to use cunts like lodel and the post office,so stuff would arrive on xmass morning as its supposed to,saving us all the hassle of spending 45 mins on hold to finaly get hold of some young wanker that cant be arsed and dosnt give a fuck only to find yourself talking to a fucking telephonic abyss and then having to start again listening to fucking greensleeves and your call is important to us before being diverted to fresh pesh from Bangladesh who you then get cut off from,so you give au……so santa is a cunt the one thing he has to do

  2. Amazon are snide cunts… Remember when it used to have free P&P?
    Then it changed to free P&P on items worth more than a tenner…
    Now it’s free P&P only on items worth more than twenty quid…
    The cunts are going to put it up year after year…

    Tesco are twats too… Their online shopping ‘service’ states that anyone who doesn’t order items worth more than thirty nicker will automatically be charged an extra four pounds plus the usual delivery charge (about seven to eight pounds in total!)… And Sainsburys delivery charge has suddenly doubled for anyone (even the disabled and elderly) who want anything delivered on the 27th of December… Retail predators… They are all cunts…

  3. I’ve just narrowly avoided losing a parcel to fucking Yodel. Despite standing instructions to leave any packages with my nearest neighbour (which on my street is 60 yards away), the dumb cunt still put it in my blue bin, which was out for collection. Yep, the thick twat put my cardboard wrapped parcel in a bin that was FULL of paper and cardboard. I actually returned home at the same time the bin wagon arrived. I literally saved my parcel with seconds to spare.

  4. Oh look Jonny Santa has very kindly left a note saying you weren’t in when he came to deliver your presents so you need to go down to the post office and join the huge queue out the door with other children with similar red slips telling them their presents couldn’t be delivered as the Post Office are fucking shite.

  5. Parcelfarce, the Last Post Office (The last service you would expect to deliver anything) and “Yodel” (named after all the screaming about the dozy gits leaving parcels containing anything they don’t want themselves anywhere but the correct place) are all uber-cunts at this time of year. They are bad enough normally but Christmas brings out the utter gits that they are. Parcelfarce and the Post Office must use ex-SAS/SBS personnel as they can put that “while you were out” card through the letterbox even while you are watching the cunts. I will give Amazon their due, everything I’ve ordered so far has turned up on time or early but I never ordered an X-box or the like so I’m prepared to be open to at least potential cuntiness.

    • That was pretty deep stuff sir limpy I was truly touched. “People with the destiny number 6 are constantly seeking love. They are driven by a deep inner desire that infrequently leads them to shoot over the target. So it is not surprising that commitment comes hard to them. This compulsive search for love can be overcome only by dealing with their emotions and make their peace with the fact that they want to be loved as a person.” Is that why we all congregate to this website looking for love and respect (deep and edgy stuff Limpy). And then this cracked me up “Discover baby names for boys and girls similar to Isacunt. Find out what those names stand for!” Hahaha great

  6. This was originally a failed black friday cunting but as long as something is getting both cunt barrels i’m happy 😉

  7. Ntokozo Qwabe needs a serious cunting. He’s a South African student studying at Oxford. Qwabe is one of the leaders of a group cunt students, who are demanding that a Statue of Cecil Rhodes be removed, because it offends them. Naturally, Oxford have told them to grow the fuck up and get a life. Actually, they haven’t they’re being pussies, as left wing scum usually do.

    Qwabe is exactly the type of foreigner I despise more than any other. More than muslims. The foreigner who comes to the UK, and then becomes politically active. I have to say, I’m sorely tempted to use a certain word starting with ‘N’ when talking about this piece of shit, but I won’t. The big problem Qwabe has, is that his studies at Oxford are being funded by a scholarship set up by Cecil Rhodes. Although, this uppity n…err…non-white shit house, reckons that the money was stolen from his ancestors, so he’s not in any way a hypocrite.

    That aside, this jumped up little cunt has NO right coming to this country and telling US what to do. Tatchell and Greer have been allowed to get away with it. This prick should be told, in no uncertain terms, that he either shuts the fuck up and shows some gratitude for his FREE education, or he’s on the first plane back to the shit hole he came from.

    • You mean nigger, I had to use it the other day when referring to the nigger savage that hacked to death Lee Rigby, no really I HAD to use it as no other word could substitute what that cunt is and stands for, I regret nothing,

      In general you are right so fair play for your restraint, civilised people shouldn’t use it just for the sake of it.

      As for Qwabe he is just a cunt, plain and simple.

      • I usually use the phrase “Guy Gibson’s Dog” as, in for instance, Darcus “Guy Gibson’s Dog” Howe…..

      • I think everyone here but the trollymong knows this anyway but I would never use an innuendo for the nigger savage that hacked to death Lee Rigby, after all he is a nigger savage, just wanted to clear that up!

      • I despise political correctness in all it’s forms.

        I loved my golliwog when I was a kid. Now they’re offensive and illegal.
        My father in law was very fond of nigger brown paint. Now they give it a poncey name but it’s still nigger brown.

        Ever noticed that racism only applies when whites do it to non whites, not the other way around?

        Bring back Spitting Image, Till Death Us Do Part and the Black & White Minstrel Show. Let’s stop being scared of offending idiots…

  8. Maybe Amazon, parcelforce, yodel etc all struggle because several million dozy cunts have all left it until December 22nd to panic buy at the same time, thinking now would be a good time to start their free trial of Amazon prime for next day delivery.

    I know, I know… they should plan for it and hire extra drones in… I’m sure they do but come on people – they will never succeed against the mass fucking retardation of the collective public…

  9. I once ordered something from on September 15th to send to someone at Christmas (They were supposed to send it to me then I post it off to Vienna, Austria, where said friend lives)… The fucking thing arrived in Manchester on December 29th… I have never used Play since… They are fucking wank…

    Amazon – for all their cuntitude – are usually OK with deliveries… I updated my Bond DVD collection two weeks ago (Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker etc)… They arrived in three days, as promised… And you’re right, Nickelby: any fucker who orders online after mid-December and expects their stuff to come before Christmas is a mong…

  10. I’m dreaming of a shite christmas.
    “So, little Jonny, Santa hasn’t arrived yet with your Xbox. Tough shit. You’re just going to have to fucking wait. Think of all the children who are going to get nothing, you spoiled little twat.”
    Oh, and may the blessings of the baby Jesus be with you.

    • Given the performance of many of his recent movies he should be more careful with his cash. He might need it…..

  11. I do a lot of online shopping, but I always try to buy from sellers who send stuff through the post. Couriers seem to have a basic inability to appreciate that some people have proper jobs and won’t be in during the day. Although the Royal Mail can be thieving cunts, at least arranging re-delivery for when you’re fucking in is easy. Try arranging it through a courier and give up on life.

    I ordered a DVD for a Christmas present on December 1st. Being sent by fucking courier. ETA? January 2nd. Presumably Steven fucking Hawkins is the courier.

    • Nah, Royal Mail are shite too. I once arranged for them to pick something up at 4pm. They turned at 10am, when I wasn’t fucking in. And when I IDID manage to send the parcel, they fucking damaged it.

  12. The Mongolian government is “Seeking Justice” after a “National Treasure” was “Stolen” and sold to rich western man. It has not been confirmed whether or not the theft took approximately sixty seconds…

  13. “I do a lot of online shopping, but I always try to buy from sellers who send stuff through the post.”

    You what, you bumbling twat?

    • Not a difficult concept you fucking mong. I try to avoid courier delivery for the reasons mentioned above. Fucking retard.

  14. The key is not to use Amazon at Christmas.

    I did all of my Christmas shopping by the end of November and had the gifts sent directly to family and friends, Including my kid in Scandinavia.

    The lot arrived within a week. Giftwrapped. I was quite impressed.

    • Hang on. Wasn’t Dio in Norway last week and the last time I looked the herring chompers were still in Scandinavia; this present for your kid……………………………..


    • Very true… The Mrs wears Soir De Paris and I’m buggered if I’m ordering that from the continent near Xmas.. I got some off Amazon. de (the Kraut one) in October, done and dusted, and a very pleased other half… A very good thing for me..

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