Farting in public

If farting in a public toilet doesn’t make the grade for ISAC, then farting in public should be considered.

At a previous workplace, some dirty fucker had the habit of letting one go then doing a disappearing act. His anal utterances were of the ‘silent but violent’ variety, they didn’t just hum, they sang soprano. He would then come back into the office after about five minutes, thinking that no one knew it was him – dirty cunt.

On another occasion, I was in an airport departure lounge, when some bloke walked past at speed and emitted a thunderous BRRRAAAAP!!!! Imagine my horror when I saw that same cunt boarding my plane.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

106 thoughts on “Farting in public

  1. When I had a 6 month contract to install servers at a medium sized estate agents, there was one woman in the office (a fellow IT bod) who stunk the place out with her rancid farts – silent but fucking lethal!

    However, quite typically when someone entered the office and were instantly assailed by the appalling stink the person looked at me rather than the cunt sitting next to me- purely because people seem to think women are too feminine to fart!

    • Interesting Techo. I remember reading an article in the paper years ago about a university study that had been done on the fascinating subject of farting (I kid you not;can anyone else recall this?). One of the earth shattering findings was that men’s farts are louder, but women’s farts are smellier. Ever since I’ve been wondering just exactly what research techniques they utilised in order to establish this startling fact.

      • I bet B&WC could enlighten us. As we know he is an expert in that area. Literally.
        There’s needs to be a thorough study of female farting habits. Are there differences in the ‘home maker’ from the career woman? In my own expeperience Mrs Plastic has a tremendous farting facility. Really surprising. Where do they come from?
        I am frightened of my own farts by the way.

        • My own dear lady, normally the epitome of female elegance and decorum, has the unfortunate habit of loosing off the occasional snorter that could paralyse a rhino. I feel very sorry for her though because it’s a miserable side effect of her coeliac disease. Deadlier than the male…

        • Your nether regions may be possessed by something demonic, Miles…
          Maybe the most frightful farts will render themselves visible – polaroid images of Jeremy and The Flabbott making the beast with 16 backs (she’s the 16, he is totally spineless).

  2. Jesus, cant do owt nowadays,
    Like a police state!
    Im a big believer in let the wind blow free,
    Better out than in,
    So if i feel a fart coming i just fart.
    Everyone does it, why be coy?
    Same wi burping.
    Also, sometimes when chatting outdoors ill whip my cock out and start urinating.
    Im not shy, no body hangups.
    Fuck em.
    If someone gets all victorian, upto them.

      • “sometimes when chatting outdoors, I’ll whip my cock out and start urinating.”

        Have you noticed your neighbours/people in the High street/postman/etc talking to you any less?

        • Not to the postie Cap!
          More if outside pub or in the countryside! Not in santas grotto or the stage at manchester arena.

        • Being a flasher myself, I’m regularly getting my cock out in public.
          I often think about quitting but a voice in my head keeps telling me to stick it out for another year….

          • Got a right bollocking last year off mrs miserable!
            Some goth society in a night out,
            Im on night out with the lads, weve all grown up together, all similar in attitude, the goths said would i take a group photo of them, said of course!
            Asked them all to smile, but not many did,
            So dropped my strides, got a cracking photo! The po faced fuckers cheered up,
            But didnt realise one of the lads put it on facefook.
            Missus saw it.

      • Yeah Ron hardly Downton abbey material eh?😀
        An thats after missus miserable polished up the rough bits!

          • MNC: What is it Dr? Tell me. I can take it.

            Dr: You’re going to have to stop masturbating.

            MNC: Really?! Why?

            Dr: Because you’re in my office.

          • Cheeky 🐵
            Alright Cap?!
            My best mate was in the cheshire regiment, 3 tours of Northern ireland,
            And as a peace keeper when Yugo Tours went tits up, his party piece is to show his arse which has eyes tattooed on it!
            ‘Got have eyes in your arse..,

    • “Also, sometimes when chatting outdoors ill whip my cock out and start urinating.”

      …umpiring a cricket match, roller-coatsers, school sports day, funerals, jazz dance flash mobs, flops it out, cuntn’t give a fuck!

  3. I don’t mind admitting that I still find farts absolutely hilarious. The noise, the smell, the flammability. What’s not to love.

    A few years back though, I fell victim to a sudden collapsed lung, from what I can only gather came somehow from opening the fucking curtains! It had me stuck in hospital with a chest drain for about a week too. Just as they removed it and were starting pre-discharge tests or whatever they do though, another matey I got chatting with on the ward let out a stupidly loud fart, it sounded like he tore himself in half from the ring. It damn near killed me, I burst out laughing, with the plaster they had put over the hole then drain was inserted in inflating like a balloon. Cunt farted and ended up making my lung collapse again didn’t he? And, naturally, another drain insertion and week in hospital to follow.

    Still, it was fucking funny.

    • Second that Flipper.

      Approaching my half century I still find farting absolutely hilarious.

      A while back I discovered the record function on the text thingy.

      I’ve never looked back.

      I find sending my very small group of friends (that’s just 2) recordings of my farts beyond funny.

  4. I relish in leaving the odd “beefy eggo” in a confined space – when I can get away with it without being noticed – before exiting stage left.

  5. My dream is to have 7 pints of Guinness, a phal curry washed down with cabbage water and then unleash a 10 second SBD fart in Gina Millers face.

  6. Speaking as a scientist, I would theorise that the air in a plane is at its most rancid when climbing after takeoff and it’s being adjusted to cabin pressure, and that most relief is experienced on the descent as pressure is restored to that on the ground. Can anyone confirm this?

    I am currently designing an anal gas mask – a firearm silencer packed with activated charcoal which can be inserted, voluntarily or not, up any offending arse. Once this goes viral on ebay, I don’t think there will be any further problems of the kind cunted above.

  7. Don’t knock farting. I am sure when Steptoe and Grandad O’Trotsky get their marching orders the Labour Ladies will organise a farting contest to elect their next useless leader. What a choice – the Long-Bailey thing. Fatarse Thornberry, Dawn Fuckler-Butler and Dame Keir all letting one go. Eructations for the many not the few.

  8. I am an accomplished farter. I can open my lunch at the drop of a hat. Probably the real ale which makes me let loose like a walrus.

    Alexa! Open a window!

  9. Fart freely fellow cunters, Extinction Rebellion might be preoccupied with farting cows for the moment but these humourless batshit crazy weirdos might turn their attention to humans and demand limits on passing gas or a fart tax. Uncle Bens Spicy Mexican Rice is the devils work.

    • This could be a good idea, LL. The Flabbotasaurus’ Nandos-sponsored fart tax bill could keep us going for years.

      • I should imagine the gimlet eyed Granny Grieve produces some truly appalling farts. I pity Mrs. Grieve having to use the khasi after granny. Eggbound most of the time, and the vintage ports add an extra piquency to the aroma. It will be the constipation that gets him in the end. Nanny Starmer will go into the bathroom one morning to wipe his scrawny arse and find him keeled over on the crapper…. suddenly after a long blow-off. Nanny will send a lovely wreath of pansies with a heart-rending verse: “You died my darling with a smile and a fart. Dearest Dommie, you broke my heart”

      • I would go one better Cap and anchor Flabbott offshore in the North Sea to power wind farms.

  10. Good to see Johnny Fartpants making an appearance. I wonder what became of esteemed erswhile cunter Skidmark Eggfart?

  11. Evening Rtc, Been on here dunno, just over a year maybe now?
    Few Cunters just dissapeared, do they go on other sites?
    Is there other sites like this?

    • The disappearance of many a cunter is a mystery MNC. I have been abaaaht these parts for 6 year’s or so and have seen many a cunter go. I am going to write a piece on cunting and dear old cunters no longer abaaaht.

    • Evening Miserable.

      Skidmark last posted on 18/03/2018….

      Longest running cunter still posting here (as far as I can tell) is HBelinda Hubbard.

      The only site I’ve seen that is remotely like ISAC is Cunt’s Corner. Fucking rubbish, they seem to spend more time cunting each other than anything else.

      I’ve been here since 2017… typed “Nicola Sturgeon is a cunt” into my search engine.

        • Having anything nice for dinner tonight Miserable? I’ve got toast and marmalade, with vanilla ice cream for afters. Might have a mince pie too.

          The missus is out this evening, gone to see Aladdin at the theatre. At least that’s her story. Presume it’s a pantomime.

          • You need to look after yourself RTC. I’m worried about your diet. Toast and marmalade? You need meals on wheels.

          • I normally cook spag boll of a Saturday night, but the missus had some fâggots before she went out and I can’t be arsed to cook anything now. It’s Frank Cooper’s marmalade. Will have spag boll on Monday instead.

          • Yes, had sausage and mash & onion gravy, Rtc, lovely!👍
            Your missus has got a lad in?
            Wouldn’t stand for that!
            Mince pies? 💘
            I like homemade ones, once work goes quiet near christmas I’ll bake a load,
            But never as good as my old gran used to make, dunno what her secret was.

          • Oh I got it now, you naughty Riberal Riquidator you!

            Btw, still like to mash up my egg n’ chips n’ tomato ketchup, like mummy used to do.

      • I found this site by a very similar method, Ruff Tuff. I typed “ Theresa May is a cunt” in Google and a whole, new marvellous world of cunting opened up.

      • Cunt’s Corner started out life as a section of the now-defunct ‘Holy Moly’ gossip and bitchery website that came into being and flourished in the ‘wild west’ days of the web, back when you could literally post anything about anyone without fear of Suckdick Khunt’s mob knocking at your door. The CC Forum I believe was an offshoot of it.

        Those were the days… I remember making a particularly piquant post on a similar long-gone site about what I *might* do, *possibly* involving a combination of four bodily excretions, on a patch of ground that *may* have *coincidentally* been where St Jade Goody was laid to rest.

    • There are other (or at least one other) sites, but none like this.

      The one I saw does NOT have the rule “don’t cunt the cunter”, and their posts were mean, unpleasant and not funny.

  12. Had a prob in Bern once…
    Sensed something explosive on its way, got myself off to McClean’s, the station bogs.

    There I sat, broken hearted,
    Paid two francs and only farted.

    But it guaranteed a compartment to ourselves on the train home…

  13. Farting in public – at last a subject upon which I can comment, from a lifetime of experience and success. For instance, in a queue at the Post Office:

    Firstly – Drop your guts as loud as you can manage without following through.
    Secondly – When all those around turn their horrified gaze in your direction, do not smirk, blush or register guilt on your face.
    Thirdly – Scowl, with raised eyebrows, at the OAP in front of you, whilst shaking your head in disapproval

    As long as you don’t crack a smile, you will have successfully passed the blame for the gaseous putrefaction onto the plausibly incontinent, yet innocent old cunt in front (who should, by now, be gagging for breath, the same as every other gormless fucker)

    Fourthly – Yes, I am, indeed, a cunt

  14. The type of quality London totty I go for are far to ladylike to fart unless on their own somewhere and not around me.
    That is for me off putting which I guess is ironic considering occasionally I like to stick my tongue up a trusted and approved ladies/girlfriends arsehole and usually when pissed and having some coke.
    I actually prefer a lady to smoke real cigarettes not roll ups (if she smokes), drink wine or spirits NOT pints (pints are for men) and to act ladylike when aaaaht and abaaaht.
    Not much to ask is it?

    • I remember a F colleague of my ex drinking a pint of Guinness, JC she was HOT. 5’10”, blonde, curvy…

  15. I ain’t feeling well, some cunts given me Norovirus. You cunt.
    Go fuck yourself.

    • Living in London you could pick up many an exotic virus from the multicultural and vibrant make up of our glorious capital. Didn’t some cunt import Monkeypox from West Africa not long ago. Get well soon B&W, put on some Poirot. Whitey did it.

  16. Forty odd years ago ( fook me, where’s my life gone ), I was working at the head office of a large multinational
    company, the place was full of delectable young ladies.
    One day, I was in one of the ladies toilets, unblocking a washbasin. In walked a gorgeous, tall brunette, with large knockers.
    ” Oh ! “she exclaimed, when she saw me. “I’ll step outside ” said I.She told me that wouldn’t be necessary, and went into a cubicle.
    Within seconds there was an outbreak of thunderous farts and the laying of a heavy load. It sounded like a night raid by the Luftwaffe.
    She reappeared, washed her hands, smiled sweetly and departed.
    I think she was wholly responsible for my subsequent ‘special needs ‘ .. ahem …..
    Happy days.

    • Just think Jack that girl with big knockers is probably a granny now – and pushing out even more malodorous farts.

      • She is my eternal shithouse goddess Mr. Boggs. Foverever young, and stinky.
        Good evening, Mr. Boggs.

  17. Proud to say I taught the missus to fart but she never really showed the commitment needed to cut it (the cheese that is)

    Now the dog takes it to levels impossible to achieve via known human biology… I gave in to the boys and got them a pup; now a super-cute little 10lb furry bundle of chalkie in whose mouth butter wouldn’t melt but the fucking SBD’s the little fucker belts out amount to nothing less than violent nasal rape!! They call her Lily, I call her Owschwitz Arse!

    • My missus is old school, rather be shot than someone hear her fart.
      Like it when the akita farts and looks startled! Never fails to cheer me up!😀

    • We have a staffie cross. Boy can she fart. The house smells like a sack full of arseholes.

      • Our last dog was a staffie, it used to strain so hard having a shit its eyes would bulge.
        It managed to get out the back gate once and went missing, weeks went by the kids were upset and the missus kept sending me out to look for it,..nowt.
        Nearly 2 month then one morning walked up the garden path like itd just popped the shops.

  18. I used to fart in the biscuit-barrel before an ex-fiancee’s mother used to ‘pop in” for a “coffee and biccy” and chat (discuss my latest iniquities,more like).

    Pair of grabby bitches.

    Fuck them.

    • Evening Dick,
      Biscuit barrel? You dirty bleeder.
      Should of just wiped yer bellend on rim of her cup, biscuits shouldnt suffer!
      Ex fiancee? You didnt leave her standing in a white dress in the church did you?
      You rotter! 😳

      • I had a spell of regularly getting engaged,MNC. I used to buy engagement rings at the pawn shop and pass them off a family heirloom to the lucky recipient…saved a fucking fortune when they invariably pissed off with “Granny’s valuable ring”.

        • Hehe, yeah dont like giving the ring back do they!
          Gonna get myself a drink shortly, you having a tipple Dick?
          Im watching a docümentary on country music, said Johnny cash had scars on his fingers from picking cotton when he was 8yrs,
          An his couldnt think of a name when he was born so just called him ‘JR’
          Didnt have a name!
          He took the name Johnny after his brother John who got killed putting in fencing posts, his dad said “wish itd of been you”

          • Aye,the Bushmills is already out. I’ve got a lump of belly-pork in the Aga, couple of tins of Guinness to go with it while I fight the hounds for the crackling.

          • Ive whisky but no beer! Wtf?
            Shes been shopping but no beer.
            Fuck sake, good job shes not sending supplies to the troops, 3000 tins of beans no fuckin tin opener.
            Daughters got gin wi glitter in it?!!
            Glitter fattening?

          • Gin with glitter? I had no idea that such stuff existed. I like to put a large slug of gin into Guinness occasionally but I don’t think that I’ll be putting fucking glitter in it.

          • Yeah glitter! Didnt know you could drink/eat it.
            A old girfriend got me into gin&tonic donkeys ago, initially i wouldnt try it,
            Wrote it off as a pònces drink, but liked it!

  19. It’s like that Bonnie Tyler song….

    “Once upon a time I was healthy and young,
    but now my body’s falling apart,
    Nothing I can do, I totally shit when I fart.

      • How do, MNC? Just popping on to read some common sense. I’ve had enough of hearing about terrorists.

        • Yeah this is the place for common sense, we are discussing farting, norovirus, engagements and what we had for tea.
          Choose one of the above or even a new topic!😉

          • We should get a Christmas venue booked. Ideally somewhere Fiddler is not barred from and doesn’t Miserable’s random flashing.

          • My social calendars filling up for someone who exposes hisself a lot.
            ISAC christmas do,
            Fiddlers engagement party
            Think Bluntys having another dinner party soon as well!

          • The idea of a get together has been mooted many times. Didn’t Sir Limply offer to man the bar? And Cap’n Mags suggested everyone wear an IsACunt carnation for recognition? And Norman offered to be the dj? We could have Chas M doing the live band.

          • Be good!
            Fiddlers supplying the christmas tree,
            BWC the fake snow
            Beemack the cabaret
            Miles a Christmas poem
            And Spoonington is doing a few magic tricks!
            Drink the place dry, then next door to the green party Christmas do for a punch up!

  20. Couldn’t disagree with this cunting more. I love dropping a filthy fart then moving swiftly away and waiting for some cunt to walk straight into the cloud of noxious gas I have left behind.
    One time I dropped a SBD in a supermarket, then rushed around the corner to the other side of the aisle. I heard a couple of chav slags…..
    “Oh what’s that fucking smell? Somebody’s got the drains up.”…….. “ Either that or there’s a dead skunk in here.”
    I had to clamp my hand over my mouth, nearly fucking pissed myself.

    • That it Freddie!
      Supermarket terrorism!
      Drop arse near a old dear scuttle away and watch someone throw Edna a dirty look!
      Fartings great!
      Funerals, weddings, christenings, all livened up by bad guts!
      If i could post em to people i would.
      P.s. Maven, think your losing this one!
      Oh an at the xmas do?
      Best not sit near me,
      And dont take biscuits off Fiddler!…

  21. There’s a clip on YouTube of some cunt in a queue at an airport or train station or something. It’s shot on an infra red camera and you see a few little pops of gas seeping out, then a huge fucking cloud shoots out of his arse.
    Sadly, there is nobody standing behind him. It would have been amusing to see how long it took for the cunt to react to the filth invading his nostrils.

  22. Things like peas and eggs usually get the blame for excess wind, but I find the biggest culprit is water. I drink a lot of squash and always have a couple of full glasses ready in the fridge, but I make a point of not drinking any the day before I’m due to have female company. Can’t think why such a natural thing should cause such embarrassment. I’ve been with girls who’ve farted and they’ve not thought anything of it, but the thought of it happening to me fills me with dread.

  23. Well, you’re all lucky cunts. I had this misfortune of a knock on the noggin a couple of years back, completely lost my sense of smell and taste for good. And if there’s one bastard thing that I truly miss the most, and that’s my own Dutch oven on a Sunday morning…bastards the lot of you.

  24. In general, I don’t mind farting.

    But there are times when my tummy feels twisted in knots, then a sort of gurgling sound, I get a feeling of cold dread because I feel a fart coming on, but I’m not sure if it’s just a fart or something worse.
    At home fine, but out and about in public is worse especially when there isn’t a public toilet nearby.

    • Invest in some adult nappies Spoons!
      The it doesnt matter!
      Accidentally shit your pants? No problem!
      Just carry on as usual.

      • The late great Dave Allen did a show or set about life. The envy of youth, their energy. Not knowing what to do with it.
        The idea that if you could grow old and become young, then you’d know what to do with that energy when you got there. Your hair, teeth, eyesight, everything would come back then you’d finish up being breastfed. Genius! 😀

  25. Christmas means brussel sprouts, and i love those little bleeders, but they definitely hold some methane!
    Fart so much all the needles will fall off the tree…

  26. I wish I could claim this one, but I can’t…
    I remember reading about a bloke who, as a child, would make motorbike revving noises, complete with hands on handlebars actions, before farting. His little brother then started copying this. On one occasion, his little brother got out of the bath, ran bollock naked into the living room, did the motorbike, and farted. He unfortunately then followed through and left a big pile of shite on the carpet. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then looks up and realises the entire family-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc-are visiting for Christmas… Whoops!

  27. A bag of dried apricots and a couple of satsumas will open the very gates of hell. Let rip after that and the stench would dissolve diamonds. No curry known to man can even come remotely close, worse than cat farts!

    I have, on more than one occasion, prepared thusly prior to meetings I really don’t want to be in. One thing I pride myself on is my sphincter control (don’t over do the satsumas. Serious warning!) let out an SBD or two and watch the fun.

    Can be a bit hindered by the watering eyes but I’ve made people gag. Chew on that you cunt!

  28. Oh come now! Anyone who is not amused by a well timed fart is either a frosty faced cunt, or German! I proudly admit to dropping the silent but deadly ones on escalators, then look at the faces of my fellow passengers as they glide as if on ice, into the ghastly stench. Ah yes, I remember very well, a couple of venomous Brussel Sprouters I handed out to a couple on a bench in Salisbury! One of them perished, but thankfully I was able to point the finger of blame at 2 Russians who happened to be on a sightseeing tour.

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