Alexa (2)

What sort of a ringpiece installs a device that listens and records their every utterance?
Alexa, where is the nearest Greek restaurant as I am too stupid to look it up.
Alexa, what time do I pick the kids up from school? I am too stupid to know school times.
If any of you cunters have one of these you are beyond the pale and should re-register on smugcunts’r’us or any suitable website.

Alexa, fuck off.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

“Alexa, why are you such a cunt?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand that question”
“Alexa, are you a waste of space?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand that question
“Alexa, just fuck off!”
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand that question”
“Alexa, what’s the weather forecast for Newcastle?”
The main road from Kyoto to Tokyo is closed today.”

Useless piece of shit.

Nominated by Dioclese

50 thoughts on “Alexa (2)

  1. As an IT person, I always recommend to friends never buy into this InternetOfThings mallarkey.

    It all started with Smartphones, then TVs, smart meters, fridge/freezers, and now these crappy things- all of them tracking your activity, logging information, and whisking it back to whatever greedy corporation wants to know and subsequently sell on your details to the highest bidder.

    IoT, is a crock of shit; just like 3DTV – a useless fad, that doesn’t do you any favours other than to add an extra layer of hassle to your daily life.

    go tell, Syri, alexa, and all the other cunts to go fuck themselves

    • Wouldn’t have one given NCFOM when in fact I did. Got it free with some TV contract or other (I cant even remember) – it was a google home. Got £100 for it on skank bay.
      IT – the good old days of telecoms – A large customer summoned we plebs into his plush office at Coutts Bank on the Strand to give us a proper Beano annual down the back of your pants to ease the pain of the leather bullwhip reserved for suppliers who were negligent or had fucked up royally one way or another.
      He asked, red in the face, blood vessels about to burst, why the fuck he paid all this money for our “useless” technology when the power went off he lost all his comms.
      Pleased as punch with a little humility I replied our machine didn’t go down, it worked perfectly on UPS which cut in at the required time. So how come I lost all calls and had no fucking inbound.
      I said (by this time, I almost had an erection) that his pipes coming from the BT cab had no UPS – hence power lost – all channels of his pipes were lost too. A moment lapsed which seemed like a fucking eternity, at which point, a red faced “IT” Director issued what he would describe as an “apology” before showing us the door – waiting outside were 2 very senior BT managers with a grin on their faces which were just about to be wiped clean off their mugs as we smiled and bid our Adieus. Oh to have been a fly on that particular wall.

  2. Went to a BT open morning with my young son at Martlesham. They are promoting their apprenticeships to local students.

    A great alternative to learning a trade, without the high costs and often meaningless university degrees that most employers expect these days.

    One of their showpieces is a futuristic room, where nearly everything is done using voice command. Turn on the TV, turn on the kettle, close the curtains, get the answer to a question, play a video game, turn on the air conditioning etc.

    But unless you are severely disabled or are lacking in the arms and legs department, a very expensive waste of time for anyone other that the fuckwits who want to show off to their mates and demonstrate they are lazy, gullible arseholes, or the manufacturers that foist this useless fucking shit on us in the first place.

    Needless to say, young, impressionable people are taken in by all of this “must have” technology, goes without saying they will get bored with it after 5 minutes (or the manufacturers come up with a new and improved, better than the old one “must have” useless piece of shit) and so on.

    Most modern technology is shit that none of us really need and can do without. But try telling that to the target audience of the young.

    • Don’t forget that the ‘new and improved’ also won’t be compatible with the ‘old’ one.

      • If you get two of the “things”, and call one of them Sharon, will they end up mud-wrestling ?

  3. I am wary of all such bugging devices.

    My son’s school class used an old phone and created a facecunt account. They turned it on once a week for 10 minutes and used the word “carrots” for the duration, taking the battery off and putting it in a Faraday cage until the following week.

    At the end of the term, they turned it on and facecunt opened a number of adverts for fresh produce at the local supermarkets.

    All such devices should be cunted.

  4. I got one free with my smart phone.
    Sold it,Got £30 for it.
    Spent the money on beer.
    Good night had.

  5. I don’t give a shit Cuntstable. Ringpiece or not, I ask Alexa to play me the Stone Roses and it fucking well does. Now it’s not blindingly intelligent but it’s based on a tart and chirps up when it’s supposed to be fucking well quiet just like they all do. The pisser is that it doesn’t make coffee and won’t give you a blow job. Now attached to a silicone sex doll it would have possibilities like a virtual reality orgasm for example, complete with grunts and “shove it in harder Alan.” At the moment it is as bright as yer average navvie which is really dim. Ideally I’d like to change its name to summat filthy, which you can’t do. I can’t wait until the time I can shout “Oi Slag, make make me brew, ” but it can’t so it’s a cunt.

  6. Apparently the cunt Kashoggi went (Alexa how the fuck do you spell Kashonli?) into the Turkish Embassy well tooled up with Apple shite – Alexa crapola, Apple watch and phone – Bugger load orf good it did him. Must have asked it the wrong cuestions. Good news is the technological triumph that it all is meant that his strangulation, dismemberment and burying orf body parts was literally all over the internet in seconds in Virtual Reality. Way to go.
    Came acrorss one orf these gizmos in the possession of a dosser doine me local sea front. Had an arms length chat with the cunt or listened rather as he tried to get it to connect him with a wireless signal. Needless to say it failed (same cunt signal I use) but pleased as punch he was, demonstrating his flashing lights, his “to do” lists ect ect ie taking his crack and methodone at the right intervals ect ect.
    How came the stinking cunt by these expensive (very) items orf latest techi tech tech? Social Services naturally – and they keep it charged up for him, not just the old nightly soup run now. Human rights, his lifeline to society ect ect. Proud to be British.

    • Obviously I mean the Turkish Embassy that Kashoggi visited in Turkey, not the actual “Turkish Embassy” in Turkey. Bugger you caused this Alexa – you sort it out. Alexa says “The Saudi Embassy” has been gaining an increasing reputation for its “end of life services”…

    • Was thinking of the bit where Cartman puts loads of Alexas and the other ones into an infinite loop haha. And Jim Bob.

      Doot doot!

      • The Steven Crowder video ‘Alexa is a crazy SJW liberal’ is funny but also scary on the depths the batshit crazy regressive left will sink to.

        • Back in the early 90s, Sharp produced a talking remote control handset for their range of VCRs.
          It was nearly as big as the recorder itself and a useless laughable pile of shite.
          The shape of (crap) things to come…

  7. I haven’t even got a microwave oven, don’t trust the things and won’t have one in the house. You put your food in, turn a dial and wait a few minutes and it comes out looking exactly the same but nuclear hot. There’s some bad vibe black magic demon stuff going on there.

  8. This is another one of those useless gadgets we don’t need but are being told we do. That gadget show is always showing things we can certainly live without.
    Mrs Fistula loves her gadgets, she came home with one of those Roomba irobot’s. It goes around the house hoovering. You can set it up to hoover when your out. WHY ? The fuckin thing nearly knocks me off my feet and makes a god awful noise. It’s one of those passing fads that will be the but of jokes , just like the Sinclair C5.

    • But as Ron says above, what does it actually do?
      Can you say “Alexa, make me a shepherd’s pie and load up some nice lesbo porn on the pc” and she’ll crack on with her task?
      Does she remind you not to forget to breathe in and out?
      Even at the tender age of 46, I’m finding myself left behind by (pointless) technology.

      • Evening Mr Cunt Engine. In an attempt to answer your query, this what one highly esteemed Cunter posted about Alexa earlier this year:

        “I love alexa. When I come home I just say “alexa, I’m home”. She says “welcome home” and turns on my sockets, tv, sky box, sets my lights to the level I like them and turns on my led lights and table lamps. I’m a fat lazy cunt and I love having some cunt that I can order around without answering back. Apparently there are smart tea and coffee makers now so soon I’ll be able to say “alexa, make me a cup of tea” and the cunt will have to do it. With no complaining. If she could give me a blowjob I’d probably marry her.”

        I’m sure the Autoblow could easily be connected to make his dreams come true…

  9. Sorry lads. This is beyond me. Never heard of this bitch, but, as she appears here, she must be a humungus cunt ! ( Wikipedia ‘s never heard of her either )

  10. It begins with a blessing, it ends with a curse
    Making life easy by making it worse

    (Soft Machine 1968)

  11. I asked my daughter’s one if it worked for the CIA. The fucking device couldn’t protest enough that this wasn’t the case.

    Yeah right ho.

  12. I would have one of these if I could have it linked to a Robo Assassin. I would spend my days ridding the world of cunts.

    ‘ Alexa, send Robo Assassin to kill ___________ ( insert cunt ) ‘

    I’d also win loads of Dead Pools.
    Fucking ace.
    Good evening.

      • Good evening Ron. James O ‘ Shithead would be one of the first targets, live on air. He would be in full cuntish flow, enter Robo Assassin, who informs him that he is to be excuntinated, by order of ISAC, before the cunt can launch into a sneering diatribe ……. ZAP !!! and the cunt is gone.

        • I must have a listen to this cunt sometime. He sounds like a right bellend.
          Just think of the joy; Owen Jones, Flabbot the Hutt, Bono, Sting, Harperson, Sturgeon, the Beckhams, Salmond, Cowell, Ant and fucking Dec… The list is a mile fucking long, the benefit to the world that RA would bring is boundless…

  13. Just saw add for this crud Alex pull a chicken oot your arse. Your arse is oot the winda

  14. I have an idea. I think I will let some big faceless corporation bug my house and I will pay them for the privilege.

    Excellent cunting

  15. Listens to every word you say.
    Feeds it back fuck knows where.

    The way things aren going in this lunatic asylum I can see some severe cases of buyers regret for these things coming down The line. …

  16. Hot only do cunts obediently buy this crapola but they do so on eternal contracts sucking their bank accounts, which are impossible to detach and total three times the price of the cuntbox if it had even been available for cash (and eight times if they’d bought it in the pub). Monetising idiocy and the ‘something shiny’ mindset. Not sure whether the cuntboxes or the cuntstomers are more to blame, TBH.

    Off topic –
    May I draw your Eminences’ attention to this invitation from the Institute for Tony Blair? I am sure we all have questions we would like to hear answers to from the lips of the Great Man – or even from the Spokesperson for Tony Blair. Enjoy.

  17. An appalling example of the perils of untrammelled freedom…when recycled baked-bean tins go seriously awol.

    And then there’s the robot jellyfish that became PM…

  18. What’s the difference between the three CIA listening devices listed above apart from size (and price no doubt)?

    Fuck all I bet.

    Gullible digital sheep!

  19. Um bongo bollocks Stormzy lies in his book about being turned down by Oxford when he offered to pay for two aspiring architects to study there. Is this not racist to pay only for black students? Get back in your tree…

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