Christine Lagarde

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Christine Lagarde is a massive, 24-carat, gold plated cunt.
This woman, the head of the IMF, was found guilty of criminal charges over a massive government payout. The crooked old cow is still in her old job. If anyone else stole a pin from their work they’d get the sack.

Now this old bitch is saying a no-deal Brexit would entain substantial costs for the UK economy. Well whoopee fucking shit. If cunts like her didn’t exist we would save a fucking fortune.

This clip from Yes Minister comes to mind:

I am personally sick to death of the doom mongering, anti-British shite that’s coming from Mark Carney, Europe and the IMF. What a fucking cunt!

Nominated by Anton Pillar

Alastair Campbell [4]

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I have always thought that Alastair Campbell was singularly arrogant and unpleasant little man, but his appearance on GMTV yesterday morning was beyond the pale even for him.

In a three way ‘discussion’ with Piers Morgan and John Redwood, Redwood hardly got a word in while he and Morgan descended into a mutual slagging match. Now Morgan’s a bit of a cunt, but he did say “I voted Remain, but I accept the result so fair do’s. Campbell furiously told Morgan to ‘shut up’ and complaining that Morgan wanted to only hear ‘his own monologues’ as the two gestured angrily at each other. That’s a bit rich coming from Campbell.

Morgan continued: “David Cameron, a week before the referendum, went on national television and addressed the British people. He made it absolutely crystal clear in simple language, this would involve the single market and customs union and that there would be no second vote. This was it. This was a once in a lifetime decision. This idea that somehow seventeen and a half million people are so thick that they didn’t hear him say it, and didn’t understand what it meant, I think it’s so insulting!”

But then Alastair Campbell is insulting, arrogant, self opinionated and dishonest. Why isn’t he in jail for ‘sexing up’ the ‘dodgy dossier’ that took us into an illegal war in Iraq?

Is it because he’s above such things? On a higher intellectual plain to us plebs?

Or is it just because he’s an obnoxious little cunt?..

Nominated by Dioclese

Theresa’s Brexit plan

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Hello children. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Today’s story is about Nanny Theresa and her box of Brexit plans.

Now, Nanny T, according to Reuters, spent last Friday showing her withered old box to a lot of people and trying to get them to all agree that it was a lovely box full of wonderful plans. Well, children, when we try to get everyone to agree to something this is called “finding a consensus” and it involves all the people who Nanny T thinks are important.

On Friday Nanny T tried to find a consensus of her ministers, her divided Conservative Party and the Northern Irish lawmakers who prop up her minority government. But naughty Nanny T forgot some people didn’t she, children. Can you guess who she forgot? Come on, hands up if you know the answer.

Yes, Boris – please Miss, is it pikey bastards? Good guess Boris but no, that’s not the answer.

Yes Jacob – is it Albanian criminals Miss? No, Jacob – good try but not correct.

Yes Nigel – is it peacefuls driving on the pavement Miss? No, Nigel.

David, you’re a clever boy, who do you think naughty Nanny T forgot about? Is it spineless senior police officers Miss? No, David.

Well children, it is a difficult question so I’ll give you a clue to the answer – 17.5 million voters. Treacherous cunt.

Nominated by Fimbriations

Internet passwords

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Internet passwords are cunts, aren’t they?

I remember my first internet account, a hotmail.com aeons ago. Subsequently I opened another, to use as a work one. It’ll make life more simple, I reckoned, easier to organise things. Later, I opened one without my name for extraneous leisure activity. The trouble was, I had to remember the bloody passwords.

I opened a Yahoo one because they were best for images, apparently.
Then you had to change your password once a month. Sigh.

My mates opened gmail accounts and advised me to open one, especially as later you could align your youchoob thingy or something. I also had to open one for my mobile. Plus ones at work. More passwords.

You want to close your account? Achingly difficult. Harder to get rid of than a Pakî on disability benefits.

MySpace came and went, followed by Fakebook and other superfluous Soshul Meeja wank. Amazon wanted one, as did job sites, council cunts and a site on which I bought a railway ticket! My bank insisted on one, as did some shite site whenever I paid on visa.

We all know the story:-
“Password incorrect, please enter new password.”
[Captain M. enters new password]
“You cannot use your old password!”
[Captain M. enters the name of his favourite past girlfriend]
“Password must contain a number”
[alexa1]
“Password must contain eight letters”
[alexachung1]
“Password must contain a capital letter”
[Alexchung1]
“Password must contain a weird, unnecessary character.”
[¥iWantToPlayHideTheSausageAndGiveAlexaChung1]

Cunts!

Moreover, May your God/Buddha/Invisible Friend have mercy on you if you are abroad and refused entry. Fuck’s Sake, it took months off my life sorting it out. I sometimes wish I could live off the grid and tell the internet to Shit Off.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Speed Bumps

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Speed bumps give me the right hump, the cunts.
Now I fully appreciate the original rationale behind putting these fucking miniature pyramids on urban roads; it was to ‘calm’ traffic, with the aim of reducing accidents and even saving lives. It was well meaning, right?
Well obviously I’m no expert on the subject, but I question whether they do achieve their goal to any significant extent, and I reckon that they may actually be more fucking trouble than they’re worth. As far as I can see, self-styled ‘real’ drivers of the ‘boy racer’ (and increasingly ‘girl racer’) persuasion see them as a challenge rather than a deterrent, and hurtle across them as though they’re on safari somewhere in a tank-like 4×4. On the other hand, your thoughtful, more responsible driver is mindful of the speed limit anyway, and if anything s/he probably finds the presence of these hulking obstructions every few yards to be a source of irritation and frustration, which might in turn lead to loss of concentration or even ‘road rage’. I’d also bet that humps are a factor in channelling traffic away from roads where they’re present onto those where they aren’t, just moving the speed management issue elsewhere, and increasing congestion in the process. It’s my view then that these lumps might not just be ineffective, but actually counter-productive.
In any case, any rational argument for speed bumps ultimately carries little weight with me. No, I readily admit that my loathing may seem pretty irrational; I just hate the personal discomfort that these cunts cause me. My Dacia is a sturdy little car, but let’s face it, it’s no BMW, and the suspension leaves, shall we say, something to be desired. Driving around my local suburban streets is like negotiating a bleeding obstacle course, and being constantly bumped up and down plays havoc with my aching back and joints (fuck knows what it does to the car). I can absolutely guarantee that I’ll be in a lot worse mood when I get out than when I got in, and I’ll bet I’m not the only one. Counter-productive, as I said.
If it was down to me, every one of these bastards would be ripped out tomorrow and consigned to the nearest landfill. Well, all bar one. This would be inserted up the arse of whoever came up with the idea in the first place, sideways.

Nominated by Ron Knee