Air Fresheners and Toilet Blocks

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I would like to cunt my personal pet hate, air fresheners and toilet blocks. I fucking hate the sickly cloying pine fresh aroma more than the smell of wet dog and stale ashtrays. Unfortunately Mrs Magiccunt is very easily influenced by the power of advertising and rushes out to purchase the latest innovation in plug in scent dispensers or toilet deoderising systems. Just open the fucking window if you don’t like the smell of shit! And how the fuck am I supposed to know if there is blood in my bowel motions if the water is blue? The V.I.Poo adverts?!!?! How much does that fucking campaign cost? And I don’t want chemicals splashing up my arse when I’m playing sink the Belgrano.

This cunting is brought to you by Johnson and Johnson, a family of cunts company.

Nominated by Themagiccunt

‘Erro, Beeg Eeshoo! Beeg Eeshoo prease!’

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‘Beeg Eeshoo’ Sellers

There was a time, not so long ago, that you’d see them in every high street and outside every supermarket. Decent, honest British pissheads trying to rehabilitate themselves and make a few bob by selling The Big Issue.
Then THEY arrived. Migrating predatory hordes from the former People’s Republic of Commietania, bent on snapping up every vendor’s pitch and driving the native population to the verge of extinction. Yes, they’ve tramped the length of Europe to take advantage of that big, brave new world of opportunity that is flogging The Big Issue.
Anyway, I came out of my local supermarket yesterday evening on the stroke of five, and there she was, resplendent in her national costume of headscarf, sleeveless padded jacket, ankle length skirt and trainers. As people passed she chanted out her litany with shit-eating grin soldered in place; ‘Allo, Beeg Eeshoo plizz, Beeg Eeshoo plizz…’.
Just then a sleek new Volvo came gliding to a stop, with a shifty looking type at the wheel and another couple of identikit women sellers in the back. She promptly grabbed her rucksack and jumped in, and the car sailed off. Mmm. Did I say something about taking advantage of opportunity? Well you can call me suspicious, you can call me cynical, but I spy with my little eye, something beginning with SCAM…

Nominated by Ron Knee

Benedict Cumberbatch [6]

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Benedict Cumberbatch is a cunt. Again.
Channel 4’s Brexit: An Uncivil War was an accurate, true, bold account of the… Naa, it wasn’t. It was dogshit in a saucepan.

Leave were under-handed, they used cheating computer hacking algorithms to win, their behaviour crass and appalling.
Stay In Europe were all honest, earnest, clean all led by the wonderful father, cooking-for-three-children Rory Kinnear.

It even suggested, astonishingly, that the BBC was impartial AGAINST Remain!

All the Leave voters were thickie, bitter, chip-on-the-shoulder racists. A focus group contained calm, rational EU-lovers and poorly-spoken Leavers (one Leave woman was shown having an hysterical fit).

The Jo Cox blanket was dragged out and given a shake accompanied by a solemn silence. Zzz.

There was no mention of Osborne’s threats, Obama’s threat,the EU’s threats, or Cameron’s £9 million leaflet to EVERY HOUSE IN THE COUNTRY just a constant drip-drip about dodgy computer dealings.

And Cumbercunt himself. His weak, twitchy acting was made up of waving his arms and frowning with his mouth. A bit like Sherlock and, erm…the other characters.
His accent started in Chester took a drive around the North-East with detours through Wales and, occasionally, London.

He’s a one-trick pony actor and this was a no-trick pony film. He should stick to what he does best: living in his Hampstead castle and being a cunt.

 

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Andy Murray [13, 14 and 15]

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An emergency triple nomination here:
1) Andy Murray – announcing his retirement at a press conference. Firstly walking out of the conference because he was so upset. Then coming back in and droning on about all his problems, looking down at the table and sniffing loudly with his fake tears to show everyone how upset he is, stupid little snowflake twat. Well, I am delighted by this news, as we won’t have to look at his miserable face or hear his tiresome whingeing bullshit anymore.
2) SKY news for making this their headline news and going on about it for 10 minutes.
3) Tennis, for being a boring load of crap, and the cunts who watch it.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

Andy Murrays Retirement. Sorry, SIR Andy

If its not enough to see a man blubbering better than Steve Smith after the ball sanding scandal, what it is that this cunt is so upset about?

He has pranced around the world on a regular basis to knock a few balls around, and now his hips gone bad he needs to give it up.

No doubt the cunt is going to now make more money than all his career now on Endorsements and surprise appearances on the BBC on anything from The Olympics to A question of sport – why can’t this cunt just grin and fuck off.

And take his mother with him.

Cunts the lot of them.

Nominated by King Cunt

Just popped orn to cunt Andy Murray for being a blubbing cry baby cunt but many in there all ready so suffice it to say “Man Up you Snivelling Cunt”. Can stomach and even admire a cunt but not a snivelling cunt fingering his sponsored logo emblazoned baseball cap to camera while droning orn in his flat tear jerked jocko monotone packed full orf sports and street cliches………sniff……..yeah. Cunt. You have not lost a leg or an eye. Stop playing tennis for megabucks which you do not need and the pain will lessen and if you need an op so be it. Try stepping orn a land mine for comparison. Cunt.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

Channel 4 News

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I have just watched this where the lead was British fashion. A procession of heroin chic men dressed in women’s clothes. Cutting fucking edge of course. Then we get to the nub. Brexit will kill the industry. Brexit this. Brexit fucking that. No counter view of course.

If nothing else, if Brexit gets rid of these preening, mincing, London (natch) freaks it will be worthwhile.

Cunts one and all.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble