I’d like to Cunt the Parvenu.

I attended a drinks party at the home of a couple who recently bought the Manse in a neighbouring village. I, of course,wore a dark grey suit (old but smart),a tie and black shoes. Upon arriving I was greeted by what I took to be the butler from some Edwardian-era Agatha Christie adaptation holding the hand of an overdecorated Christmas tree. It did cross my mind that perhaps I’d overlooked the “Fancy Dress” code on the invitation,but no…it was mine host and his painted-lady wife wearing more jewellery than a fairground Gypsy. After recovering from the sight of this seizure-inducing vision of over-indulgence (in every sense of the word), I introduced myself. The “butler” proceeded to shake my hand in a manner of a Thai prostitute rushing a “Happy Ending” and then the damned female lent in and kissed me on both cheeks….I was fucking aghast…I’m not some fucking foreigner nor am I her “fitness coach”.

After disentangling myself from the attentions of the over-perfumed, over-permed and over-familiar Lady of the House, I was invited to join the other unfortunate guests in the “lounge”…. a fresh assault on my sensibilities that dwarfed the greeting assailed my senses. Something that resembled a “mash-up” between Ikea and the Hall of Mirrors at the local fairground greeted me. An eighteenth century house decorated like a French tart’s boudoir. A veritable monument to bad taste capped only by the massive television that seemed to take up most of one wall.
Luckily I knew a few of the other guests and once my power of speech had returned, I joined them to marvel at the sheer bravado of the “interior designer” who had managed to convince anyone with even a modicum of sanity to furnish their home thus.
I then spent a couple of pleasant hours with my friends watching, and sneering at, our hosts. They spent most of the time braying about their holiday home in The Algarve (or some some such place), how much they’d paid for a pony for their daughter, how they wanted to put triple-glazing in the house etc.
However, the final straw for me was when the “butler” (as we were calling him) clicked his fingers at one of the young girls waiting-on, and announced that he was about to open some £300 bottle of champagne. It was the finger-clicking that did it for me…revolting habit. I was hard-pressed not to point out to him that I’d assumed that he was the staff, but contented myself looking at the equally appalled faces of my friends.
I quickly made my excuses and left, although I must say that I was surprised that the gruesome twosome didn’t try to give me a “goody-bag” or something equally plebian on the way out. Dreadful, truly dreadful.

Get Fucked.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

Emergency Cunting!!! Blue Lights!!! Sirens!!!

Parliamentary Sleight orf Hand

While Parliament has been disappearing up its oin arse and traducing the long time serving traditions orf our democracy during the continuing Brexit debacle, certain practitioners orf the Dark Arts have slipped in undebated and withoit recourse to our democratic norms, legislation that undermines the rights and freedoms orf every true Englishman.
“Upskirting” has been banned and made a criminal offence. Fine and dandy that the EU can take us up the arse and make us pay for it but when it comes to a simple pleasure orf life it’s “a criminal record sunshine” and a sexual offenders record for life. Outrage. Only reason Yours Truly bought a smartphone.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

Arty Chefs
They’re total cunts. Why the fuck do these cunts think that anybody wants their food looking like a fucking painting?. You daft cunts, all I want is some decent grub, not garnished with fucking flowers. Just do the fucking cooking cunts, or fuck off to art school. Cunts.

Nominated by Jimmy the spaz

The Anti-May lobby are Cunts.

I have a bit of respect for award-winning “Cunt of the Year” Mrs. May. I’m not trying to say that she hasn’t made mistakes,she has. However, I’m more interested to hear who Cunters believe would have been able to solve the problem of Brexit. The EU was never going to roll over and just accept whatever was demanded or promised by a bunch of pie-in-the-sky,jingoistic fantasists. However painful it may be,we need Europe,it is a massive trading-block right on our doorstep. All this “trade-deals” with America and the like…anyone who thinks that Donald Trump would give us a “special-relationship” style deal is deluded. Trump will always,quite rightly,put ‘Murica first.

I believe that May is the only one out of this whole sorry mess who has acted with some degree of honour. O.K., she didn’t believe in Brexit,but I think that she tried to deliver something which was a start. It wasn’t perfect,how could it be when so many different versions of “Brexit” are touted? The idea of a Brexit on WTO terms seems to be the choice of most on here..well, it isn’t going to happen. When virtually every politician and business-leader says that it would be a disaster for the country,perhaps they know more about it than me and are correct. It’s all very well saying that nobody knows what would happen…if they’re right,it’s too late. Is the very real risk of a real meltdown better than a half-arsed,”managed” Brexit where we don’t have the EU actively conspiring to sink us?
Back to the anti-May part….which of our political heavyweights would have done better…. Johnson? a blowhard opportunist who quickly bailed out when faced with it. Gove?,another Johnson but with even less appeal. Farage? the man did a fine job of completely vanishing post-vote, I wonder why? Corbyn? a true head-case, Rees-Mogg? another entitled,out-of-touch Eton millionaire( Cameron,Johnson…God Forbid another) or perhaps one of the Javid, Pattell etc. bunch who, I suspect,wouldn’t take it on,and if they did,would do no better than May, because it is a dilemna which is unsolvable.

For me, however unpalatable, May’s exit plan was the best that we could currently hope for. It was a start. Bearing in mind that “our leaders” are not going to allow a No-Deal Brexit, I fear that things will be dragged on until a new referendum is forced through,one where “Brexit” is effectively sunk without trace.

Whatever you think of May and her deal, I can’t see who would have done any more.

Fuck Off.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler