I would like to nominate the delivery company DPD.

Now, you would think that the delivery of parcels would be a fairly simple and straight forward business, one that it’s hard to mess up. Unfortunately, in my bitter experience, DPD seem to be constantly able to find new and complex ways of fucking things up royally.

The latest parcel that DPD attempted to deliver was “not eligible for collection” from the depot, according to the DPD website. This instantly made things more complex, meaning that I either have to take a day off work, or ask one of my neighbours to receive the parcel. Fortunately, one of my neighbours very kindly agreed to sign for the parcel, so I breathed a sigh of relief and got back to other things. However, DPD then fails to deliver to the neighbour. In the past, I have been able to salvage similar situations by calling the DPD helpline early in the morning, to talk to a human being and try to establish a time I can go to the depot. When I try the phone line, I now get an automated voice message saying that the line is not available. No replacement number, just “not available”. Utterly useless. I check the website again, which says that the parcel is waiting at the depot. I then carefully plan to finish work at 4 pm the next day and get a taxi up to DPD depot. After much scratching of heads, and whispered conversations, my DPD pals first tell me that the parcel codes are not on the system, and then a bit later that the parcels have been returned to sender. The whole thing is an absolute farce, which would probably have been funny if I hadn’t just wasted £25 on a taxi, and if I were not waving goodbye to the books I had ordered.

DPD couldn’t find their collective arses if you gave them a map and a tutorial video. They are the most useless collection of clowns I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. I don’t think it’s appropriate to describe them as cunts, as I feel this is far too cuddly a term for them.

DPD are shit. Just absolute shit. I sincerely hope their useless company is flushed away in the very near future.

Nominated by WearyAndDisgusted

A cunting nomination for we the people.

The nation that gave birth to the Magna Carta and Common law has stood aside and watched democracy slain like a pig in front of us.

Either through self-interest, a willingness to let lawyers and politicians decide our future and the future of democracy, or through sheer idleness we have allowed a democratic outcome to be buried on bullshit.

There are lots of topics that we discuss on here that are intertwined, we deal with all individually and even then we only know what we are allowed to know.

As citizens we must soon act to reclaim a more pure form of democracy. The will of the people should not be denied by points of law or by the administrators of democracy… they are there to ensure that the outcome of democratic votes are delivered.

Those in parliament believe it was a mistake to ask the British people to decide on such a big decision. They will find the mistake was failing to enact it.

Nominated by Sixdog Vomit

I’d like to cunt Gastropubs.

What the fuck is a “gastropub”? All I need from a boozer, food wise, is decent portions of home made grub, standard stuff like pie and chips, fish and chips maybe liver and onions, that sort of stuff. And proper beer, kept well. I do not want a vegetable made into a main meal with a drizzle of nastiness squeezed out of the chefs acne and smeared on the plate.

Also, what the fuck is a plate? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s summat to serve bloody food on. I fucking hate being served on a slate, plank of wood or virgin’s belly…it’s just wrong. Fuck off you cunts.

Whilst I’m on one, a pie has a bottom and top crust. There’s no place for puff pastry tops on a bowl of stewed meat…that is not a fucking pie, you arseholes. In fact, puff pasty shouldn’t be anywhere near a pie. Shortcrust or suet pastry only.

Nominated by Bertram Cuntatious DCO

Michael Mansfield – what an idiot. On the day when you thought that the legal system couldn’t be more out of touch with reality, along comes a top QC to prove you wrong.

Mansfield says that we need to make meat eating illegal so we can save the planet. Well, the best way to save the planet is for people to stop breeding.

Mind you, if we all stop eating meat the resulting famine could well have the same effect.

This pronouncement is so ridiculous I can only assume that Mansfield is angling for a seat at the Supreme Court…

Nominated by Dioclese

Renewing Wedding Vows is for cunts, isn’t it.

“O heaven, the vanity of wretched fools”
~Shakespeare~

What is this embarrassingly vain cuntfest and who are these nuptial junkies? Well…
Beyoncé and Jay-Zed.
Celine Dion and a wealthy millionaire whose name she doesn’t remember
The Osbournes
Rod Stewart and some bird.
The Beckhams
…etc.

Ohh, lambkins! Has it been a few years since you had some attention? Does your soshul meedja page require fresh pictures? Do you need some glossy magazine cash to refurbish your kitchen? What’s the point of a promise if you have to refresh it every few years? These narcissistic serpents have traded dignity for popularity. They’d eat off a sewer floor for a piece of publicity.

Fuck these miserable saps in their plastic, loveless marriages.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous