The lesson today is taken from the New Testament, 2019 p.c. edition…

1. And it came to pass that Mary, wife of Joseph, a lower-income benefit claimant from a disadvantaged family, was with child. And Joseph was sorely displeased and giveth unto his wife a backhander
2. And he sayeth unto her “How art thou with child, bitch, when thou hast not parted thy legs for me since we was espoused, init?”
3. And Mary did quiver, and replieth “An angel came unto me in a vision and sayeth that I was to be impregnated with God’s child and that he would come forth in the world to end all our sins and his birth would be foretold by a great star and gifts from three kings”
4. And Joseph did take another swig from his Stella and giveth unto her another backhander, saying “That’s the biggest bullshit I hast ever heard! This is the only fucking Stella event you are likely to see, you lying bitch”
5. But Mary wast not afraid, having the strength of the Lawed upon her. And she sayeth unto Joseph “I will take myself unto social services and wilst have thou arrested, thou heinous pig”
6. And so it came to pass that Mary was rehoused in temporary accomodation in the East End and Joseph was servethed a restraining order.
7. And so it was that on December 24th, Mary didst recieve a threatening letter from the landlord saying “I have re-rented thy flat so begone from here tonight, whore, or I shall breaketh thine legs”
8. And so Mary went forth into the night. And it came to pass that she stumbleth upon a homeless person and he taketh pity upon her, saying “Come unto mine squat in a nearby old stables where thou mighst findeth comfort in thine hour of need”
9. And at this moment, a great star burst didst appear over her head. “Taketh no notice,” sayeth her benefactor. “‘Tis only the bloody locals celebrating diwali” 
10. And Mary went with him and as she entereth the stable her waters didst break and she goeth into labour.
11. And in the early hours Mary didst give birth unto a boy child, amongst great cries of pain and loss of much blood. And the child was laid in a manger for a bed
12. And three men didst appear in the doorway, fresh home from a party, and each weareth a paper crown on his head. And Mary did behold them and sayeth “I see three kings!”
13. And the first sayeth “Shit, girl, you been through it, ain’tcha? Have a swig of this..” and didst give unto her his bottle of Castlemaine Gold.
14. And the second sayeth unto her “I have nothing to give you but a few foreign coins” and handed her a Franc and some Cents
15. And the third sayeth unto her “Ah eh! I’ve nought for you, gerly, for I am only a poor scouser and am in a right state. Look. Even me hurr falleth out”
16. And so it came to pass that the prophecy was fulfilled. A child with no father was born in a manger, under a star burst, and 3 kings from the East End had brought gifts of Gold, Francs and Cents, and Hurr.
17. And the donkey in the corner brayeth “Eee Ore! It’s a fuckin’ miracle…”

Here endeth the lesson.

We shall now sing hymn 123 “We three kings from Orient are; One on a scooter, two in a car.” All rise…

Nominated by Dioclese

Phillip Schofield – this bland cunt nominates himself. Aka cunt’s cunt. Famous for being a cunt for a loong time. Has a face that needs landscape gardening with a baseball bat.

He merits this nomination purely by virtue of his oh-so-annoying voice.

Nominated by Jeff

I happily second Jeff’s nomination: he is a poofy, effected wanker who enjoys being one of the girls…

Obsessed with fashion (no doubt handbags and frilly knickers as well), girly chit-chat, soaps, you name it – camp, limp-wristed and suggestive and no doubt one of the biggest arsehole crawlers on ITV – he seems to brown-nose his way into every ITV “project” that gets commissioned.

He started out in childrens TV and in his second childhood he is back there, patronising in his fey voice with a shit-eating grin on his face, or a queenly pout.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

Perfume adverts…we are inundated with the fuckers.

But: they all look and sound the same. They all think they are showing us wonderful glamour to aspire to. And the truth is, not a single of them differentiates. Which makes the whole point of the huge expenditure wasted entirely. Spoofed up the wall by some pretentious, artistic cunts. Paid for by other pretentious artistic cunts.

It might just be me, but I cant recall a single product. Not one. And when I am reluctantly pushed into buying this overpriced shit, I get what I am told to get, which Mrs C has worn for years. So she isn’t influenced either.

What a load of wank, put out by poncy cunts and not having any effect whatsoever.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

Christmas telly is a load of steaming cunt….

Once it was Eric and Ernie, Steptoe and Son, Mike Yarwood, TOTP with proper bands, Del Boy and Rodders, A Bond film, Dave Allen (RIP), Stanley Baxter and Her Majesty.

Now? Mrs Brown’s Cunts, Call The (Black) Midwife, Gavin and fucking Stacey, some Femstapo CGI Disney shite, Miranda Horse Face, That Fleabag bollocks (Phoebe Waller Fucking Cunt), and Vicar of Cunting Dibley repeats. Oh, and Jools Holland and his bore-a-thon Cuntenanny….

The BBC can shove it up their fucking arse.

Nominated by Norman

The terrestrial telly offerings on Christmas Day is a total pile of cunt this year.

The prime slot here being the 7pm – 10pm slot where commercial channels try to flog us next year’s holiday in every bastard ad break and the AL-BEEB try to convince us that the Snow Queen is a wheelchair bound, lesbian, black, Muslim woman!

So here it is…

ABBC1: ‘Call the Midwife’ Xmas Special, ‘Gavin and fucking Stacy’ Xmas Special, ‘NeverEnders’ – for a bastard hour!

ABBC2: ‘Morecambe and Wise Christmas Montage’, ‘Celebrity (i.e. leftist cunts) University Challenge’ Xmas Special, Dolly fucking Parton documentary.

ITV: An hour of ‘Emmercunt’, an hour of ‘Cuntynation Street’,’Who Wants to be a Millionaire’.

CH4: ‘Christmas Bake-Off’, the fat-tongued cunt Jamie Oliver, ‘First Dates at Christmas’.

CH5: ‘Britain’s Favourite Xmas Song’ (two bastard hours of it), ‘The Two Ronnies Montage’.

Absolutely fuck all to watch! I mean ‘The Two Ronnies’ and ‘Morecambe and Wise’ stuff is great the first 1,000 times or so, but for fuck’s sake!

Apparently, the ‘Call the Midwife’ special is set in the Outer Hebrides. The show itself is set in the late 1950s and early 1960s, so no doubt the Outer Hebrides at that time will be jam-packed with multiculturalism, raspberries, crafty butchers, fishmongers and the local wimmenz vicar is a trans!

Utter pile of cunt!

Merry fucking Christmas!

Nominated by Rebel without a Cunt!

Fucking cunts to a man (and woman, and all those gender fuckwits in-between for that matter!) You’ll find these cunts in shops, supermarkets, cinemas, restaurants, high streets, car parks… in fact you’ll find these bastards almost anywhere in the public domain.

They’re easy to spot because they just dawdle, shuffle, or just stand in the middle of whatever, and generally get in the way of everyone else who are trying to get from Place A to Place B as quickly as possible.

Of course they’re usually found in supermarkets, blocking the aisles with their trolleys containing a pint of milk and a tin of dog food; if they’re not blocking the aisles on their own then they’re blocking the aisles chatting to another dawdling cunt, thus making it doubly-hard to get past these bastards.

But supermarket dawdlers are old hat now. Ever since the invention of the smartphone, we now have a new breed of dawdling, daydreaming cunt that you’ll find on the high street. Glued to their fucking phones, they’re totally oblivious to fellow pedestrians, and don’t even bother to look up before crossing a busy fucking road, shuffling along while they fuck about with their phones.

Add to that car drivers taking the piss at 15 mph in a 30, or 20 in a 40, or 50 in a 70.

What the fuck is wrong with these cunts? Why can’t they get a move on like everyone else and get the fuck out of the way?

Sick to death of getting stuck behind these bastards (young or old, they’re all dawdling cunts). If I had my way I’d set the dogs on the bastards: that’ll make them move!

Nominated by Technocunt