Fuddy Duddies

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OK I admit I am probably a fuddy duddy myself but that doesn´t mean I have to put up with other fuddy duddies.

I like fuddy duddy things like spending hours over a cryptic crossword, wearing a suit and tie on a special occasion although I am immediately ridiculed by wife and daughter for doing so, fountain pens, afternoon tea with scones and shortbread, bowls, playing the mouth organ and birdwatching. This latter brings out the worse in Ms P who accuses me of inventing species like the three-toed treecreeper or the blue-footed booby. Mrs P´s reaction when she sees me remove my harmonica from its case and wipe it reverentially is to put her hat on and leave.

However, other fuddy duddies piss me off. For example, I have a brother-in-law who thinks he is good at sculpting and wood carving and has filled his large house with his “works of arts”. He hasn´t realized after 30 years that he has no talent yet leaves these pieces of twisted junk everywhere. I once counted 80 pieces in his living room, ranging from a crumbling Eiffel Tower made from soapstone to a shaky “erotic” Kama Sutra carving of what looked like stick insects, before giving up.

I met another fuddy duddy a while back as I was about to reverse after taking a wrong turning. A cardigan came flying out of a nearby house and angrily pointed to a sign saying “No turning in this street. By order”. I let him rant on before I realized he was enjoying himself. So instead of arguing, I nodded sympathetically and told him I had the same problem in my street. I think this annoyed him more than if I had Dick Fiddlered him and told him to fuck off.

I had better stop now as I am beginning to enjoy this and will go on forever.

Nominated by Mr Polly

Multicultural London English

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I’d like to give a cunting to this accent. It fucks me off as it is now permeating many facets of life; adverts, radio (always BBC) DJs, in a few years the Labour Party (if it’s still around – hopefully as a fringe party to be laughed at). It annoys me because it has replaced cockney, it annoys me because it’s rapid ascendency just shows what a cunt Blair and his fucking multicultural vision has done to this country, it annoys me because the word ‘community’ has been altered to ‘koo-moon-it-E’, it annoys me because now the youth have a propensity to pepper their sentences with the word ‘like’, which has been altered to ‘laak’. It annoys me because grime “artists” are now given the time of day and producers of tv and radio now give them airtime, instead of saying “You sound like a stabby cunt who should be euthanised”. It annoys me because it is lazy (words are now meaning several things, suggesting it is for the indolent and thick). And it really fucks me off because it spawned that infernal word “innit”. It also annoys me because it reminds me of London, a foul hole filled with cunts who speak MLE in their various Koomoonities, which I think is London speak for drug dealing, knife wielding cunts who get uppity if you call them that and accuse you of being ‘waycist, blud’ and all voted for Corbyn.
If you want to sound like one of those cunts here is a video of how to do it from that Uber cunt Stormsie (Stormzy in MLE)

 

 

Nominated by Fortress Cuntimus

Online Training Courses

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It’s time for my compulsory annual GDPR online training course, after which completing, I shall destroy my workstation with a hammer and kill the next three layers of management. It’s that fucking bad. The brain bleeds at the sheer unnecessary waste of time and cognition required to click through the pages and sub-pages of jokily illustrated guff….illustrated, yes, with cheaply animated pictures of ethnic wimminz with watermelon smiles, in office garb, haunting every single fucking page. Obligatory, that.

Assembled by an external consultancy no doubt making millions from this utter waste of time. Millions urgently needed elsewhere in my organisation, in my area of which necessary funding has dried up completely.

Do I have access to sensitive personal data? Do I fuck. I’m not management. None, zilch, nada. Do I need a detailed description of the law as it applies to free ballpoints with the customer’s name on?* Are any of my colleagues coloured? No. Are bad actors fully trained in the art of extracting data from networks without my accidental help? Yes. And they didn’t need to do this shit course either.

Allow me to cunt the gradual replacement of on-the-job commonsense by online “training” courses sold to gullible management suits by corporate scammers, to the frustration of the victims and to no useful end whatever.

* I made this up, but you get the idea.

Nominated by Komodo

The BBC (14)

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The BBC are a bunch of cunts. They’re a bunch of cunts for many reasons, but there is one reason specific to this nomination. In what I see as a sign that they’ve realised their legalised extortion racket (in its current form) is coming to end, the BBC have made a suggestion. Rather than see the T.V. tax decriminalised, they want us to pay to watch their shite through either a broadband tax or by taking a slice of council tax. Fuck…that.

What the fuck has our access to the internet go to do with the BBC? Nothing. And by forcing internet providers to pay a slice of their profits to the BBC, it means a rise in charges for the privilege of getting on the net. Also, not everybody owns a television, but under the BBC’s plan, those people will have to pay for something they neither receive nor want. That is plainly unfair. Likewise with council tax. We pay council tax for things like policing (even though most of us don’t get any), refuse collection, street lighting, etc. None of that involves watching a bunch of overpaid, woke, far left tossers fannying about on television, radio or some office.

Here’s a better idea, subscription service. Go the way of Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Video etc. Ah, but there’s a problem with that. The BBC knows that only people of a similar mindset to them would actually pay to watch the BBC. The rest of us wouldn’t touch it with bargepole, which obviously means a massive drop in revenue. So Lineker would either have to take a big pay cut, or shift a lot more crisps.

There is another potential solution. Win back viewers. Get rid of the woke bullshit and start making decent programmes that people actually want to watch. But we all know that they won’t do that.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

Yet another cunting for the fucking BBC please.
You might well ask “what on earth could they have possibly added to their extensive list of dubious, nefarious acts of utter piss boiling cuntery?”

And asking that question would be fair, because quite frankly you could not make this up:

Yes, that’s right, broadcasting muslim prayer. What the fuck is wrong with this lot? Why would they do that?

I have to go now, the pressure is affecting my vision.
Over to you lot.

Nominated by Cuntflap

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