It’s that time of year for the Red Bull Flugtag. This year it is coming from Pittsburgh USA on 5th August. It all started back in 1971 in Selsey, West Sussex until Red Bull took it over in 1991.

Anyway, enough history, what actually happens is that all kinds of mad cunts enter into a competition in an attempt to fly with some wacky contraptions. It is a cross between the Wacky Racers meets Dastardly and Mutley. In all the years it has been running, without fail, none of the contestants have got far. The flight record is only 258 feet.

If the likes of James Dyson, Boeing, Airbus or NASA entered, they would walk it, or should I say fly it. Since they don’t, it’s just the same old shit, year after year, as cunt after cunt jumps off a pier and crash lands into the water below.

Now, if that daredevil Silver Beardy Branson was to enter I would watch it, just to see him crash spectacularly in an undignified heap or better still jettison himself into space, to be seen last hurtling towards the Sun. We do live in hope, eh?

However, things maybe about to change, as in not many years from now we may well be watching a livelier, err…deadlier version, namely, the Sharia Flying Pig Challenge sponsored by Mecca (not the Bingo). In this new version, they substitute the volunteer nutters jumping off piers in their flying machines, with conscripted gay men – totally wingless so no cheating allowed – being assisted off the White Cliffs of Dover, with only the rocks below. The judges won’t be so much measuring flying distance, but more so the net result, as they will be selected from the Sharia Courts. Extra points will be awarded for the rate of descent and the force with which the ‘contestants’ are pushed. Flailing arms and loud screams will also add to their final scores. Clearly, the casualty rate will go up, as intended, but so will the viewing figures among the propogating peaceful hordes. The winner is at the judges discretion, although, unfortunately he will have to be awarded his prize posthumously.

I think it  maybe time to update those classic Vera Lynn wartime lyrics to….. “They’ll be homos over the White Cliffs of Dover, just you wait and see”

Nominated by Mike Oxard.