A block of quorn, cut into cubes and fried to a golden brown, served with a nice plate of chips, makes for a tasty little meal. Well, it does if you leave out the quorn and replace it with some crisp streaky bacon and a sausage or two. And a fried egg and some beans. And several thick slices of black pudding. Plus a fried slice cooked in the bacon fat.

Consistency? Somewhere between a barbecue firelighter and a polystyrene ceiling tile. Taste? None to speak of, chewing the rubber on the tip of a pencil being a good deal more flavoursome.

Quorn is tasteless rubbery crap, don’t waste your time on it. Scoff a fat greasy burger instead, then take a dump and have a kip. Much more satisfying.

Nominated by: Tony