Why do women, like my wife and sister-in-law, think this wannabe Olivier is some kind of genius? Why has Mrs Polly dragged me to see “Death on the Nile”, the first time I have been to the cinema for over two years? And what was the last film I saw then? Yes “Death on the Orient Express” starring and directed by Kenneth Fucking Branagh. Imagine paying money to watch him with his ludicrous Terry Thomas tache and pitiful French accent.

Just think. He was married to Emma Thompson and then had an affair with Helena Bonham Carter, possibly the two most unsexy women in history. To make things even more dire, although he is a luvvy he is a supporter of Rangers, whose knuckle-dragging fans make Millwall supporters look like Aubrey Beardsley/Oscar Wilde devotees. One of the misfortunes of being born in Belfast I suppose.

Nominated by: Mr Polly