Time was when Shano was a typical Oz bloke. Ugly as a goanna’s arse and skin like Kylie Minogue’s cunt (allegedly) – sun dried, wrinkled and flaking. Then he started sporting multi-coloured stripes orf heavy duty sunblock orn the field and was seen drinking poncy cocktails without 4X chasers. Worrying rumours he had shacked up with alleged actress and aging celeb Liz Hurley. Within months the poor cunt is transformed into an androgynous Mr Spock baby doll. Cunt cut dyed barnet, brow surgery, tattooed eyebrows and fillers, mascara and eye liner, lip fillers and gloss, facial fillers, acid skin peels, botox, plus a full set orf tombstone teeth all topped orf by several coats orf oily skin gloss. Almost fancy him meself – not to forget a bottle orf arse parfum from Gai Paris. In short Ms Hurley seems to have guinea pigged oit on him whatever she was contemplating for herself. Bugger me what the Waltzing Matilda has had done below the waist.

All manliness nipped, snicked, glossed and suctioned oit orf him, the shiny capon has now been given the old heave-ho to cruise the minor celeb circuit while endorsing hair thickening products and the like. “You too can look like me”. Yerssss.

Similar thing happened to a mate orf mine. Silly old cunt got hooked by a Romanian tart who proceeded to pimp him up all at his own expense. After a coupla months she showed him the door while he was still in a great deal orf pain from the “procedures” until he remembered it was his own fucking door. She was most put oit at his lack orf gratitude, she had transformed his life. He is now poorer but not much wiser.
Point is slags and cuntos nationwide have a new notion of “the look” taken from the selfie pose and online trends. Fuck Me! is now the new normal.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

The French.

I was going to qualify this with “French Fishermen” but fuck ’em, the shruggy cunts all need a doing.

French fishermen have a grievance with UK scallop boats so what do they do? They start ramming our small boats with their larger ones, that’s what.

The French have form with this type of disproportionate response. In the 90’s, their farmers protested against meat imports (specifically, lamb). They stormed government buildings, attacked riot police with weapons as diverse as bottles, rocks, metal objects and shit (presumably not their own but who can say with that lot). They set fire to one truckload of British sheep, killing over 200 of them, poisoned 94 on another truck and slit the throats of fuck knows how many on another.

On both occasions, we – the UK – were adhering to the law but the frogs kicked off and turned to violence to get their own way.

How the fuck are you supposed to negotiate with cunts like that?

Next time the UK boats set sail for the disputed scallop beds, we should send a couple of Type 23’s with them. At the first sign of trouble from the Pastis gargling snail botherers, they should strafe the cunts and/or stick a Sea Wolf down their funnel.

Nominated by Thirkleby Spunktrumpet

Say bye bye to the Fat Controller and a great big culturally enriched hello to the average build, gender neutral, ethnic minority peaceful economic migrant controller…

Yes, you heard it right. The politically correct 21st century has finally inveigled (look it up the thick cunts) the last bastion of childhood, Thomas the Tank Engine. I shit you not! Thomas is going out into the world in an attempt to get our children to embrace the wonders of ethnic diversity. Never mind Sodor! Look out world – because Thomas is coming…

New multi-cultural characters in the show include Ashima from India; Yong Bao from China; and Shane from Australia. It’s not yet known how the rail-bound little train will manage to cross oceans, but fantasy elements and dream sequences seems to offer up a likely solution.

And while we’re at it, let’s not forget sexual equality. Not content with just a female controller, longtime favourites Percy, Gordon, James and Emily will be joined by new characters Nia and Rebecca to balance the gender divide. The gender divide FFS! They’re fucking fictional toy trains!

Author the Rev Awdry’s granddaughter, Claire Chambers, welcomed the changes to the franchise, saying she thinks her grandfather would be “very happy” with them. Not as happy as her perhaps as the new characters represent wonderful merchandising opportunities for expanding your little darlings collection of lovable characters just in time for Christmas.

Apparently, each episode will end with a “life lesson” from Thomas. Like how to make shed loads of money by exploiting pester power perhaps?

Ringo won’t be doing the narrative for the new series. Wise man! Leave the cunts to fuck it up all on their own.

Meanwhile here’s a preview of some episodes of the new show…

Nominated by Dioclese

I hate this sexist, racist and offensive slur beloved of whinging minorities, wimmin and the nodding heads of Hampstead wine circles. The ‘crime’ of being a white educated male seems to be the last socially accepted demographic to which blame the failure of those who cant get on in life.

Now they have invented a phrase on which to pin their hang-ups on and reinforce their victimhood status, an utterance of ‘black, lazy women’ would see the unfortunate cunt a victim of an internet witch-hunt and trial by the self-appointed moral guardians of Twatter.

Previous cuntings have already touched on being a white male is actually a disadvantage in society, minorities, gimmigrants, women, LGBT mob, pikeys and all the toe jam in-between are ahead in being given a unfair advantage.

White males are what built this country, educated and civilised half the world and to have this phrase banded about as some barrier to social mobility while positive discrimination , women and BAME job shortlists and the constant presence of the language police exist is a massive cunt.

Nominated by Liberal Liquidator