Say bye bye to the Fat Controller and a great big culturally enriched hello to the average build, gender neutral, ethnic minority peaceful economic migrant controller…

Yes, you heard it right. The politically correct 21st century has finally inveigled (look it up the thick cunts) the last bastion of childhood, Thomas the Tank Engine. I shit you not! Thomas is going out into the world in an attempt to get our children to embrace the wonders of ethnic diversity. Never mind Sodor! Look out world – because Thomas is coming…

New multi-cultural characters in the show include Ashima from India; Yong Bao from China; and Shane from Australia. It’s not yet known how the rail-bound little train will manage to cross oceans, but fantasy elements and dream sequences seems to offer up a likely solution.

And while we’re at it, let’s not forget sexual equality. Not content with just a female controller, longtime favourites Percy, Gordon, James and Emily will be joined by new characters Nia and Rebecca to balance the gender divide. The gender divide FFS! They’re fucking fictional toy trains!

Author the Rev Awdry’s granddaughter, Claire Chambers, welcomed the changes to the franchise, saying she thinks her grandfather would be “very happy” with them. Not as happy as her perhaps as the new characters represent wonderful merchandising opportunities for expanding your little darlings collection of lovable characters just in time for Christmas.

Apparently, each episode will end with a “life lesson” from Thomas. Like how to make shed loads of money by exploiting pester power perhaps?

Ringo won’t be doing the narrative for the new series. Wise man! Leave the cunts to fuck it up all on their own.

Meanwhile here’s a preview of some episodes of the new show…

Nominated by Dioclese