I love Crunchies and Cadbury’s Flakes me, but I just won’t pony up the readies for them anymore, they’ve become such a rip-off. Anyone recall the time when a flake was worth eating? They used to resemble a baseball bat. Now they’re about three inches long, and look like an anorexic pencil. Two bites and it’s gone.
Remember the Toblerone debacle? The arseholes who make them tried to change the legendary ‘chunky’ shape by widening the gaps between the triangles. It ended up looking like a miniature bike rack. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the fucking chisellers then tried to rob the hapless consumer twice by going for a price increase to boot.

Ok, so it’s chocolate, a ‘luxury’ item I suppose, and nobody forces me to buy. But what about when the ‘principle’ (and I use the word ironically here) extends not just to ‘luxury’ foodstuffs but necessities? The portions continue to dwindle, prices continue to rise, while wages stagnate.

The bastard faceless, multinational corpocunts responsible think we’ve all got ‘Idiot’ tattooed across our foreheads, and they can really see us coming. Somebody somewhere is doing alright out of this, but it ain’t the longsuffering consumer, that’s for sure. Is it too much to hope that one day soon these fuckers will get theirs? Burn baby burn.

Nominated by Ron Knee

The European Court of Justice is in the news because if the Chequers “deal” goes through, the EU will STILL have binding jurisdiction over our courts and laws. Consequently, it requires a jolly good cunting

At a general election in Britain, the voters choose who makes the laws that govern our lives. If governments capitulate or fail to fulfil their promises, and often the sly fuckers do, the electorate are able to throw them out. This precious right may sound simple, but it took hundreds of years of struggle and sacrifice to secure (The Chartists’ movement, the Reform Acts 1832, 1867, etc).

In the dreadful EU, the unelected European Commission creates laws for us and for the last few decades, our parliament can only rubber-stamp them. The whole system is overseen by the Court of Justice of the European Union (ECJ) in Luxembourg, which has ultimate jurisdiction over our parliament and law courts.

Two examples this year of these Tyrants’ bias against Blighty:
➡ It delivered a ruling that genome-edited crops have to be treated to expensive and unfair regulation. In defiance of advice from its advocate general but encouraged by Jean-Claude Juncker’s allies, more pesticides will be used in Britain, our farmers will be less competitive and researchers will leave for North America. It was described in The Times as “scientifically absurd” (Matt Ridley).

➡It also ruled against Dyson in the company’s row over EU vacuum cleaner energy efficiency labels. The British engineering group had claimed that its rival Bosch-Siemens had misled shoppers by exaggerating how efficient its vacuums are and is disappointed that consumers will continue to be misled about the true performance of this product.

?

The court has powers over EU member states. Is it right for a non-UK based court to have such power? (*_*)

Regarding the sell-out, BRINO Chequers deal, Jacob Rees-Mogg said, “This paper sets out that the UK will be subject to EU laws while having no say in their creation. The Common Rule Book will not be Common, it will be EU law, interpreted by the EU Court with the UK subjected to EU fines for non-compliance.”

This is not what we voted for and would be a filthy compromise by lacklustre cunts. The ECJ is not merely an arbiter of justice. Its stated role is to advance the cause of European integration. If we’re to be truly independent, these fuckers can kiss our piss.

By the bowels of the Duke of Wellington, will we ever escape the claws of these cloying, rapacious gangsters.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

The sight of people grinning inanely and taking photos of themselves has become a familiar sight since mobile phones first got cameras bolted on to them. These geeks can even get a ‘selfie stick’ to add to this life enhancing experience.

Still, ‘selfies’ are a pretty inexpensive pastime; or so I thought until I opened my paper earlier to find one sent by (wait for it) the Mars rover ‘Curiosity’. This shows, in fascinating detail, a collection of wheels, gears and cables, against a stunning backdrop of, well, nothing much really. A cost of a cool $2.5 billion makes it the most expensive ‘selfie’ in history by a factor of a very large number.

Now if the American government wants to spend its taxpayers’ dollars on these mobile tin cans, that’s their prerogative. But ‘Curiosity’ is just the latest in a line, and I’m buggered if it will tell us anything that we don’t already know about the Red Planet, to wit; there’s NOTHING there beyond an arid wasteland of rock, dust, and rubble for mile upon endless mile in any direction. Zippo. Nada. Rien. $2.5 billion? I could have told NASA that for the price of a decent bottle of malt and a couple of tickets to the Villa (on second thoughts forget the tickets; Villa are gash under Steve ‘I don’t do tactics’ Bruce’). For an appropriate fee, I’ll make them up a dandy certificate on my computer, something along the lines of;

To Whom It May Concern
This is to certify that there is the thin end of the square root of fuck all on Mars
Signed
Ronald Knee (‘O’ level physics and chemistry, 1966)

Okay, I understand that need to ‘boldly go’, to push the boundaries of scientific endeavour. But in this particular case, just how many rock samples do we need to confirm that Mars is indeed nothing but 50 million sq miles of utterly barren and hostile wilderness? Apparently Europe is now planning to get in on the act, with a rover scheduled for launch in 2020. The Chinese probably have ideas as well.

Just a thought, but couldn’t we spend the money on something that might be of a more tangible benefit to the people down here on planet Earth who actually foot the bills, maybe environmental or health care projects, or cheap, safe energy alternatives? Ah, but I suppose this would turn off the gravy train of dollars, pounds and euros, and the nice big pay cheques these yield. There are vested interests to be defended here, so the tin cans will continue to scrape up dust at inordinate cost, leaving Joe Taxpayer to wonder what the fuck’s actually in it for him.

C’est la vie.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Ok cunters, here’s a chance to ‘declare your gender’.

A little confused? Fear not, all will be explained. It seems that students at Edinburgh University ‘welcome week’ (hold up, didn’t it used to be called ‘freshers’ week’? No, that’s discriminatory language against freshers) are to be ‘encouraged’ to wear ‘gender pronoun’ badges to indicate whether they wish to be referred to as ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘they’ (‘they’??).

A written guide issued to students claims that ‘gender is fluid’ and that assumptions based on appearance can be ‘frustrating and harmful’; therefore the narrative that pronouns can be ‘assumed’ must be ‘challenged’.

So there you go, ladies and gentlemen SORRY there you go EVERYONE. Let’s see if we can broaden out this ground-breaking initiative to embrace the wider population, starting here and now. Now’s your chance to get with it and declare just how fluid YOUR gender is. Are you a ‘he’, a ‘she’ or a twatting ‘they’? (or perchance even an ‘it’; let’s have no discrimination against ‘its’!!!). Don’t worry about it if you’re a bit confused at the moment; remember, ‘gender is fluid’, so just pick one for now, and you can always change your mind next week if the mood takes you.

Now I appreciate that if you’re reading this, you’re probably of an age when boys were considered boys and girls considered girls, and vive la difference. Well welcome to the Orwellian Newspeak world of ‘gender politics’. It’s hard I know. Like me, you think it’s a total load of pretentious, pandering wank, but hey, that’s unprogressive, dude. It’s time to challenge your outdated, bigoted mode of thinking, time to liberate your consciousness and heighten your awareness dude. It’s a Brave New Snowflake World out there. Just write your pronoun of choice on a badge and wear it the next time you go out, secure in the knowledge that you’re hip, and absolutely nobody thinks that you’re making a complete cunt of yourself.

And don’t forget. Next time you’re introduced to someone (or something) remember to ask that all important first question, ‘what’s your gender pronoun?’ After all, you wouldn’t want to give offence. People have been strung up for less.

Right on, man, er woman er whatever….

Nominated by Ron Knee

Why is it now the thing for mostly generation snowflake to begin all sentences with ‘So’.
So, I am a bit of a cunt.
So, we want a People’s Vote
So, I know fuck all about grammar or syntax.

So fucking what.

Nominated by Cuntstable Cuntbubble

People who start their replies ‘So’. So fucking annoying. And to my ear ‘so’ incredibly rude. A classic culprit was Ollie Robbins at the Brexit committee-‘So Mr Rees Mogg…’ when asked a question by said. ‘When did the evolution of the Chequers position take place?’ ‘So Mr Rees Mogg…’ ‘What was the timeline?’ ‘So Mr Rees Mogg…’ He didn’t even have courtesy to even look at him half the time. Unlike Jacob. The model of courtesy. ‘So Mr Rees Mogg…”I am going to deliver the information I have decided you need regardless of the import of your question’. What it really signifies. All done with feigned humility; frequent appealing glances at Dominic Raab in supposedly surbordinate to minister look. Very slippery customer. Yes it’s feigned humility. Under it all a raging narcissist.

Nominated by Miles Plastic