THAT Royal visit

Harry and Meghan have visited my home town of Melbourne whoopee fucking doo, what a pair of utter cunts. The colonials, alongside having to cough up for this shit are expected to roll u and clap and cheer these fuckers, for what? It’s like inviting someone to dinner and them slapping you with an invoice for an attendance fee.

Did I show up for this pointless anachronistic arse licking fest? Did I fuck, I was doing the the thing that these two work shy show ponies don’t like doing ie work, to boot the taxes I pay, 30% here, up 50% if you have the temerity to be skilled and earn decently, are garnered to be pissed up the wall on rubbish like this ginger knob and his been around the block side piece “gracing” us with their presence. About a million bucks it cost, a million.

Anyway the two of them visited yet another money pit dedicated to the advancement of aboriginals, the very definition of pissing into the wind, swanned around the place for 15 minutes before catching a tram to the beach, and this is expected to give us our jollies, what are they, retarded? Maybe if a down syndrome kid manged to catch a tram without having its foot amputated and walked along the beach without falling in it might be remarkable.

A high point: one small boy grabbed ginger’s nasty little beard, ooh cute as fuck, the wee prick is lucky it wasn’t a hundred years ago it would have been bludgeoned to the ground and been the the recipient of a good hard rogering with a large blunt object. But you get the point a modern, relatable PR friendly face being given to the royals designed to ensure they continue to be the recipients of our largesse for all time and we fall for it again, cunts.

Nominated by flange

British Gas (2) Service Plans

I’ve had a ‘home care’ plan with BG for years. It gives you cover if your central heating conks, or if your electrics or plumbing pack in, 24/7, 365 (as our friends the Yanks say). I’ve always had great service from them; basically, you get an annual central heating service included, and one call out pretty much covers the yearly premium.
I’m a satisfied customer then? Well I was until earlier this week, when I received my renewal notice. The cunts wanted to put up my premium by an eye-watering 23% no less.
Was I having that? Was I fuck. I was straight on the dog and bone (it used to be a free phone number, not any more!) to tell them that (a) I’d made just one call out in the previous 12 months, so no way was this increase justified and (b) they were trying to take advantage of my loyalty. The woman dealing with my call then offered to ‘see what they could do’, and came up with a revised quote at a mere 15% increase. The effect of this was to make me not only pissed off, but now insulted to boot. Why not just offer that in the first place? Previous comment not withstanding, was I supposed to feel gratified that the increase was now a mere 15%, and gratefully accept?
Well, my response was to tell BG to stick its quote where the sun don’t shine, and that I was off to take out a plan with Corgi. ‘Er just let me pop you on hold’ said Ms BG, ‘I’ll have a word with my supervisor…’. Yeah, and while you’re ‘having a word with your supervisor’, Helen Mirren here will suck my dick…
Two minutes later. ‘Ah hello. As you’ve been SUCH a loyal customer, we can make an exception in your case and offer you cover at last year’s premium’. Whoopi do, you chancing pissflaps.
The moral here is simple. NEVER accept the first quote from anybody, they’re all trying it on. Fucking chiseling cunts.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Saudi Arabia

Huge outrage about the demise of one man,i.e Journalist Kashoggi,but not a word about the 100,000’s of Yemenis killed by ordnance sold to Saudi Arabia by America. The Saudis are Cunts,but there’s a huge list of Govts queuing up behind the Saudis for a royal Cunting. Saudi Arabia is a cunt.America don’t mind cunting Saudi a little…but not too much mind or they’ll stop buying our stuff.Cunts.

Nominated by Twinkletwat

The Foreign Office are a bunch of cunts.

Some sand dweller from Saudi gets bumped off in Turkey. Branson throw his toys out of the pram. UK and US throw a hissy fit.

Simple question – what the fuck has it got to do with us???

Nominated by Dioclese

Germany

I would like to nominate Germany/Germans for a massive cunting

Opening with an excellent article written by Simon Heffer (Telegraph) in May 2016

Chancellor Merkel has ensured her country prospers while others suffer.
The arsenal of fear must almost be nearly exhausted. Those daring to vote to leave the EU will inflict on Britain collapsing house prices (according to George Osborne and Christine Lagarde of the IMF, who should worry about the EU’s unemployment-soaked economies); a “technical” recession (Mark Carney, a “technical” Irish-Canadian with a long record of error, who for this disgraceful political interference should be kicked back to Ottawa); and, of course, the Third World War (Mr Cameron). It’s clearly a Corporal Jones moment for the Remainers, though any cries of “don’t panic” come far too late: they are manifestly drowning in it.

“What must we fear if we stay? Not merely relentless uncontrolled immigration (and the lies told about it), putting such burdens on our schools, hospitals and infrastructure that UK citizens suffer, but the inevitability of our nation’s destiny being increasingly subject to the wishes of foreigners whom we don’t elect. I am not talking about the amorphous idea of “Brussels”: I’m talking about Germany.

Five years ago I wrote a piece referring to the control Angela Merkel exerted over Europe as “the Fourth Reich”. I was accused of a horrible breach of taste. However, when one looks at German power today one realises that she had hardly even started. The key to German success is this: it participates in a weak currency (whose value would collapse without it) enabling its exports to sell far more cheaply than had it retained the Deutschmark. Therefore, it continues to grow in economic strength relative to its partners (including us) but especially those in the Eurozone, notably France and Italy, who would benefit greatly from restoring the Franc and the Lira.

Any net exporter in the EU (which we are most certainly not) also benefits hugely from the vast and incomprehensible welter of EU regulations on products and employment law, which keep external competitors at arm’s length and pile costs on them if they wish access to the single market.

Germany is so rich, and getting richer at the expense not least of its partners that it can afford to pretend globalisation isn’t happening. We are not so fortunate, and leaving the EU to avoid all these regulations and take proper advantage of the wider world is not the least reason why we must vote to get out.

Dr Savvas Savouri (chief economist at the leading investment business Toscafund) points out that if we stay in the EU there will be huge costs for us from all this chaos, despite being out of the Eurozone. “Having renewed our vows to remain in the EU ‘through sickness and in health’ we will be required to contribute to funding the fiscal efforts being applied to our ever more sickly EU partners,” he writes. The costs will be huge, and once we have committed ourselves to remain we will be forced to join the communal effort to save ailing partners.

He also argues that such a wave of economic hardship will propel more impoverished Europeans across open borders into the UK: and don’t forget what Iain Duncan Smith disclosed last week, that Mr Cameron deleted a passage about controlling immigration from a speech he made because he was told it would upset the Germans. That is the reality of our relationship with the EU: if we choose to stay in, the Germans will ensure that we become ever more obedient to their policies – so stand by for their next project, Turkey’s admission to the EU, and all that would entail.

It was not just deeply offensive, but ironic, that Mr Cameron should last week have evoked the idea of another world war in his latest intelligence-insulting act of hysteria aimed at making us vote to stay in the EU. It is not just that our fathers and grandfathers fought in two world wars to allow Britain the right to continue to rule itself, rather than to be ruled by Germans: Mr Cameron plainly won’t admit that German domination of the EU means it has conquered without war, and signing up to the EU is signing up to the Fourth Reich.

Ask the Greeks if you think I exaggerate: Germany runs Europe without firing a shot. It forces far weaker partners to stay in a currency zone that is crippling them, and uses its economic muscle to dictate immigration and other key policies. And if you believe the Germans won’t take a UK vote to stay in as a signal to continue and intensify their control over the EU, and to make us help pay for its baleful effects, then you aren’t paying attention.

It’s not war we should fear, but what the Germans do in peace.

If this is not already enough I would like to add the following for your kind consideration:

Angela Merkel (again), for being a deranged lunatic strutting round in her frumpy outfits, continuing to spout utter fucking nonsense like some fucking guru and persevering with her ridiculous immigration policy for well over two years since the above article was written, and for the untold misery and death this has caused for the immigrants risking everything to get into mainland Europe and the countries they infest once they arrive.

Angela Merkel (again, and again) for plotting to replace Jean Claude Juncker in EU’s top role with a German. The successful appointee will be undoubtedly ably supported by Martin Selmayr (another German).

Martin Schultz.

Historians tell us Germany was the prime instigator of WW1 in which the total number of military and civilian casualties was around 40 million.

Historians tell us Germany was the prime instigator of WW2 in which somewhere between an estimated 70 million and 85 million people worldwide (or approximately 3% of the world’s population) died.

The USSR are portrayed as being the bad guys of Europe, however they fought alongside the British in both first and second world wars, against the Germans.

For people like Hitler, Himmler, Goring, Goebbels, Bormann, Hess, and for the horror that went on in the German concentration camps.

Germans, smug, arrogant, nasty bullies, who take what they want, either by force or by stealth.

In 2018, Germany (which as we all know is a hugely successful and very rich country) was unable to pay to NATO the full 2% of GDP contribution required, managing only just over 1%.

German music is shit (although I do know one ISAC used to fancy Nena, 99 Red Balloons).

German food is shit.

German wine is shit.

German comedy is not funny.

Some Germans wear strange leather trousers.

Germans do not get on with the Dutch (who are probably the nicest people I have had dealings with in Europe). One of my former colleagues once told me, that as a Dutchman, the biggest insult you could give him was to call him German.

They lie about their exhaust emissions in the cars that they sell.

Since 1966 they have beaten us at football in virtually every important match (2001 was a friendly), often on penalties.

German porn and beer “ist gut” but that’s about it.

Have I missed anything?

Nominated by Herr Villie Stroker

IT Glitches

The corporate cunts who run banks and airlines had a brainwave twenty or so years ago. Why not send all our unimportant jobs to India. All the sorts of jobs that young Henry and Jemima would never do. Customer service shit had already had that treatment so why not send the geek cunt jobs over there too? Nobody ever sees the speccy cunts here anyway and they never go outside in daylight so why not replace them with some Ginesh cunts instead? “Cost savings” and huge bonuses all round.

Except the chinless wonders hadn’t quite fathomed that all our large companies have decrepit old computer systems that even the spazzies and speccies over here struggle to understand. So how they expected Ginesh and Hardita fresh out of the University of Umapunapradesh to fare better is beyond me? But who cares eh cunts? They’re just cheaper. But actually, and here’s the best part, they’re not! Everything takes longer and/or goes wrong. Who knew?

Anyway, the fuck-ups are kept quiet for a while but then eventually you get one enormous catastrophic failure and the cunt at the top can’t hide that. But not to worry. He’s already got a job somewhere else on the directors’ merrygoround that is only open to the guilded few.

CUNTS!!!

Nominated by CuntishTown