My wife and I have been invited to a wedding in mid June. A distant cousin, whom I haven’t seen in donkey’s years, sent me a invite card along with wanting to know a confirmation date.

Quite frankly, I can’t stand these fucking things whether its a wedding, a christening, some cunt’s birthday or anniversary etc. I hate the family gatherings and all the faffing about with the small talk and the strain of putting on a fixed smile for hours on end. Not only that, but it’s the hassle and expense of getting to the venue (in this case Portsmouth, which is about 7 hours and almost 400 miles from where I live in the Lake District). Add to that the expense of a hotel for the night, plus a gift for the happy bastards, followed by the long trek home.

I am now desperately trying to think of a good enough excuse not to go! But the only snag is that there’s an 18th birthday party I’ve been invited too a couple of months later on, which means thinking of an excuse not to go to that as well.

Perhaps its because I’m in my late 50s and I just don’t have the patience or the inclination to bother with these social/family gatherings; all I want is a peaceful life away from all the bollocks. But it really is a pain in the arse trying to think up plausible excuses not to go to these things, but without coming over as a right old miserable cunt.

Nominated by Technocunt

Scotland’s First Free Fanny Pad Service….

Today, the Scottish Parliament has approved the £24 million to provide free fanny pads, tampons and other sanitary products for its ever burgeoning and diverse population of menstruators. As Krankie has overstretched her budgets, is in deep doo-doo with her accounts, it will fall upon some fucker else to pay for the cunts!(no pun intended)

Now, think of this. The provision is to ensure that young schoolgirls (and young trans) can have free fanny care at the time of their month, free of charge. It means that the impoverished child will no longer be embarrassed when her cunt leaks and she hasn’t got the cash to sash the gash! Now I don’t know how many of Scotland’s kids are so fucking poor that they cannot afford £3.98 per calendar month, but perhaps by spending a bit less on mobiles, Irn Bru, Mars Bars and of course the obligatory tattoos.

Scotland needs its arse kicked for caving into this “poor is me” mob and “the fucking English stealing our wealth crap” and learn to either live within its means, or better still, fuck off to their beloved EU cap in hand.

I wonder what Barnier would say when asked, “Gis mair fir some fanny favours” or ” Adopt a wee bleeding cunt will ya?”

Fucking grow up, ditch the fags, no more tats , nae Drugs, nae booze and pay for yer own, feckin’ cunts!

Nominated by Asimplearsehole

A Gold Plated with extra pension benefits please, for this four-eyed, self-important, quivering heap of outraged shit:-

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-51687287

Making the announcement of his retirement in tears, he vouchsafed how he has been bullied – Priti Patel and all her friends have been ganging up on him in the playground. Poor little Phil. I am certain his virginal innocence has been compromised, but for Christ’s sake man, get a grip. We have all had work colleagues we don’t get on with. Deal with it like we have to, or had to – and for those who do endure bullying in the factory, shop or office, there is no gold pension scheme at the end of it.

Get a grip, you great big fairy! What a fucking wanker.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

A cast iron, boo-hoo, hurty-feelings cunting for Sir Philip Rutnam.

This Home Office, Civil Service, Soy-Boy has thrown his toys out of the pram because Priti Patel actually wants to start and make good on promises given to the electorate, after being given an overwhelming majority (outside of the Londonistan bubble and the globo-homo elites). This cunt took over at the Home Office under Treason May’s abject failure of a watch, and now that the “sit back and do nothing” remit has been changed to “let’s fucking do something about the biggest problem facing the UK”, the cunt walks off in a strop!

He’s going to sue the Govt for “unfair dismissal”, but the last time I checked, being booted for “not doing your job” was fair cause for dismissal.

Good luck with that Phil. Your only hope is that the (illegal) Supreme Court eventually sees things your way (as they have done whenever anything in favour of the British Public has been brought to the courts), but hopefully Dominic is working on getting that establishment torn down, just as he is with the BBC! Good!

To you Phil I say two things: LEARN TO CODE!

And: YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!

Cunt!

Nominated by Rebel without a Cunt!

This uppity shit-bird needed clearing out.

While representing the very worst in our Civil Service, his ineptitude and arrogance led to his own demise. Totally unaccountable and wallowing in his own, unelected power. Supposed to be working for the benefit of the UK, but can’t see past his own self-importance.

If the swamp is to be drained, it’s going to take a while with turds like this clogging up the system.

Nominated by General Schizophrenia

An “Allah be praised”, “Alan’s snackbar” with optional exploding prayer mat, for this deluded arsewipe who converted to Islam and to ‘celebrate’ the event took on an Islamic name (Shake Rattlen’roll or some such) and decided to blow up a hotel and St Paul’s Cathedral (two for the price of one – no point in starting out half hearted).

What is especially annoying is that this would-be bomber is a white tart, and so the BBC can fully tut-tut at the religion of peace knowing that this would be assassin is the “right” (or wrong) colour.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-51583815

Like former smokers who become smokeless, or ex-drinkers who become teetotal, these fucking converts are always more barmy and extreme than the originals, and just as dangerous.

Fuck the bitch.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

“Not another stibby stabby moose limb” you might be saying? Well not exactly. You might remember him from the name Cat Stevens, a pop singer and song writer from the 60’s and 70’s and a damn fine one at that – until he converted to Islam in 1977, adopting the name Yusuf Islam, to add to all the thousands of Yusuf Islams in the moose limb world.

Don’t you find these converts to religion the worst of the lot? The fervour and the energy they throw into their new cause is impressive isn’t it? Fortunately, there are not too many celeb converts I can think of – maybe Lauren Booth, Cherie Blair’s sister. What I’ve noted, however, is that Yusuf and his pals have all come over very quiet since their ‘peaceful’ religion turned to shit. An interesting fairy tale led to Yusuf’s conversion. In 1976 Stevens nearly drowned off the coast of Malibu, California, United States, and it’s reported he shouted: “Oh, God! If you save me I will work for you.” He related that right afterward, a wave appeared and carried him back to shore.

After his conversion, he was prevented from continuing his musical career. So, basically, a fine musician had sold his musical soul in exchange for religion. When will some people realise that there is no finer religion than music? He did attempt to revive his career years later but replacing great hits like ‘Matthew and Son’, ‘Moonshadow’ and ‘Father and Son’ with quasi-religious stuff like ‘Peacetrain’. His career was never the same again.

For God’s sake Yusuf, look at those lyrics again and have a rethink . . . . . . . .

‘Cause I’m on the edge of darkness
There ride the Peace Train
Oh, Peace Train take this country
Come take me home again
Now I’ve been smiling lately,
Thinkin’ about the good things to come
And I believe it could be,
Something good has begun

Yusuf, would you ever renounce this religion? No, no chance. This type of brainwashing is irreversible and I do appreciate it could possibly place your life in danger.

Cat Stevens, I loved you. Yusuf Islam, you’re a cunt. Now, I know we have a lot of dog lovers on IsAC, so I’d like to end with one of Cat’s hits I’m sure you’ll remember . .
“I Love My Dog.

Nominated by Bertie Blunt Tory Cunt