THE MARKLES; An Everyday Story of Cuntry Folk
The story so far; Prince Harry Halfwit and his American bride Megain have grown tired of the pampered, luxurious lifestyle of British royalty, and no longer want to jet around the world between holidays, spending as much as six weeks of their year glad-handing plebs and cutting ribbons. Having thrown in the Royal towel, they’ve fled to the peace and tranquility of LA, in search of a more down-to-earth, private lifestyle. There, in the privacy of a Hollywood mansion, Megain spends her time plotting her climb onto the celebrity A-list. Now read on.

‘Bah!’, scowled the Prince of Sighs, and hurled his newspaper across the room. ‘Those beastly bounders!’.
‘Wha’s the matter, honey chile?’ asked Little Miss Sparkle distractedly, head bowed over her laptop.
‘It’s those damned rotters in the Blighty tabloids again, heart’s delight’ whined the Duke of Despondency. ‘They’re writing stuff about us again that’s downright sal… sal… salubrious!’.
‘Salacious’, replied Little Miss Sparkle, tapping away busily.
‘Bless you’, said the once-upon-a-time HRH, nodding furiously. ‘Well I tell you, old girl, one’s had enough. One’s writing to those johnnies at The Mirror, The Sun, The Mail and The Express, telling them that enough’s jolly well enough. It’s zero engagement with them from now on’.
Megain sighed, and stopped typing. ‘Now Harry dearest, I thought we had an understanding; I do the thinking, and you don’t. Looky here, we WANT media coverage, we wanna seem relevant, but it’s gotta be POSITIVE. Here on in, I’ll get ma people ta handle things. Y’know, make sure there’s always a reporter an’ a cameraman on hand when we do that stuff like walkin’ the dawg, or go ’bout town delivering stuff to the common people during the C-19 crisis’.
Harry frowned and took a sip from his iced soy latté. ‘Humph. That’s all very well old thing, but dash it all, a chap’s got to do, and all that rot. I’m jolly well going to give them a piece of my mind!’.
‘Ya ain’t got a piece ta spare, ya haffwit’, murmered the Duchess of Deceit to herself. ‘Now looky, an’ I’ll explain’, she continued. ‘Y’all see this here story in The Independent? “Harry and Megain donate £90k of royal wedding profits to hunger charity”. It’s all about us getting media exposure on OUR terms, about controlling the agenda, get it? Exploiting our image ta cash in’.
Harry looked nonplussed. ‘Erm, I think so, my little Turkish delight; be the new Posh and Becks and whatnot. Dash it all, I’ll leave that stuff to you. Thinking gives me a headache’. With that the Half-blood Prince stretched, and lowering his rapidly balding ginger head over his wife’s shoulder, peered at her computer screen. ‘I say, what’s that you’re writing? “Divorce American Style”. What’s that about?’.
‘Uhm, it’s ah, a movie screenplay I’m workin’ on’, replied Megain, hastily closing the computer.
‘I say, good show!’ cried Harry enthusiastically. ‘Is there a part in it for me?’.
‘Ya betcha ass’, replied Megain with passion.

To be continued.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Some people just gift themselves to this site by virtue of the fact that are born cunts. Richard Branson is one of them. I know he’s already been nominated, but I need to nominate him too. This piece of shit hanging out of a mangy dog’s arse has gone to the British government, a government he personally pays no tax too by virtue of his living in exile on his tropical island, to beg for a £500 million loan to keep his airline opened. That would be the Virgin airlines that is part owned by Delta. He’s put his Necker Island tax haven up as surety, but I’ve heard that it’s value has been estimated at around £10 million. Not a good return should he default.

The sheer gall of this bearded quim, to come running to the British government to demand money for his shitty airline is staggering. This is someone who brags about doing so much for NHS, whilst getting anything in return (except for a large pay out after he sued over a contract he didn’t get). This prick is worth somewhere around £4.5 billion, and despite telling us that his companies pay tax in the UK, pays no tax himself. And I think I’m right in thinking that Branson was one of the loudest voices calling for Flybe to not be given any government assistance when they were in financial trouble a couple of months back. Now he thinks his airline should be given government assistance.

And lets not forget, this is tight fisted prick who ask his airline to take eight weeks off without pay. Here’s an idea, Dick. Get your partners at Delta airlines to cough up part of the money you want, and you put your hand in your pocket and pay the rest. Or you could go to your beloved EU with your begging bowl.

Apparently, Rishi Sunak has already told him to do one, saying that Branson hasn’t provided any evidence that he’s exhausted all other possible avenues of raising the money. We’ll see how long that remains the case. And considering Branson already has form for it, I wouldn’t put it past the brass necked prick to try to sue the government for the money.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

Fuck McAfee. Tbh, fuck any of these cunts that you use because, every 5 or 6 days they’ll give you a message and you’ll click yes and, all of a sudden, Yahoo will be your search engine. Now I know that Google search is basically a massive global cunt, but it’s the best cunt there is.

McAfee keeps my laptop safe but insists on partnering (when the fuck did that become a word) with Yahoo which has been a pile of shite for the last decade. Never forget that when Yahoo was the browser of choice back in the 90s, they used Google as their analytical engine. How times have fucking changed.

Also let’s not forget John McAfee has an element of dodge about him. That said, his company is better than most. It’s not like shopping in Debenhams (Phillip Green) or M&S (they’re both owned by cunts).

https://www.foxnews.com/tech/john-mcafee-released-after-detained-dominican-republic

Fuck it. I’m pissed. Someone above is a cunt.

Nominated by Dark key cunt

A quick cunting for one of the most nauseating and twee adverts ive seen in a while; Hyundai’s This Is Us.

It’s the sort of drippy crap preying on the modern snowflake mentality; asuming we’re all weak, fragile and scared during this extended Easter holiday. Speak for yourselves, marketing bods, although i somehow doubt they’re capable of fear and fragiity given the cocaine habits and general sociopathy.

I get the feeling those who will find this uplifting are a bit soft and perhaps need it. Perhaps they’re Ed Sheeran enthusiasts, or vegans and have special pronouns. Perhaps they’re suffering eco-anxiety or one of the under 25s finding this all ‘extremely difficult’ and about to mentally fold like a deck chair under the female members of the shadow cabinet.

I can only offer this advice; in the words of Karen Carpenter ‘we’ve only just begun’, now toughen up and find a hobby. Your nan had 6 years of this.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime

Meanwhile in the reel world Hyundai continues as a world leading arms manufacturer, you do not see that on the TV do you?

http://en.hyundai-wia.com/business/defense_business.asp

Maybe it’s because I’m getting a bit crotchety because of the lockdown, but I’m getting a bit pissed off with the relentless barrage of dross, profiteering, eulogosing, and tasteless advertising and lack of any proper news other than this virus site.

Anyway, there’s a list of things that, quite frankly, I don’t give a flying fuck about :

Dead people : Very sad and I feel for their families, but they weren’t all perfect and, frankly, some of them were right cunts. In any case, there’s more of them every time the news comes on, and it simply isn’t news.

Supermarkets : Sick and tired of being told how they’re doing oh so much to keep us safe and well fed when what they’re actually doing is hiking their prices and making money.

Sport : It’s all been cancelled. Thank fuck for that. I’d be grateful if it stayed that way, especially football and the Olympics

Harry and Meghan : Nobody gives a fuck so just shut up and bugger off. Permanently.

Online shopping : Amazon are making a fortune. I waited three weeks for a tin of Hammerite while they keep telling us how wonderful they are. Food shopping? You must be joking. Have you tried getting a slot? Meanwhile they keep telling us how they working really really hard to keep us fed.

We’re all in it together : Like fuck we are. Some people are doing very nicely out of the pandemic. For example Jeff Bezos (Amazon), up $25billion ; MacKenzie Bezos (Amazon), up $8.6billion ; Elon Musk (Tesla and SpaceX), up $5billion : Eric Yuan (Zoom), up $2.58billion ; Steve Ballmer (Microsoft), up $2.2billion

Social distancing : A good idea and I try to adhere to it, which is why it boils my piss when I see holier than you Tesco’s delivery van with two people in it. They only needed one before the virus so what the fuck is going on?

Charity appeals : Not only the endless begging in every ad break but telethons like that Big Night In and that crappy in home concert. It’s cringeworthy shit. And then to make it worse I hear the government pledge to match donations. So I give them fuck all and HMG gives them money from my taxes. Fuck ’em and the horse they rode in on.

Captain Tom : No. Really. I’m sure he’s a great guy but millions from walking round your garden and a real crap record that goes straight to number one? You have got to be joking.

Remainers : FFS we’ve had a referendum and a general election and years of endless crap over Brexit and now the same old tired cunts are trying to use a virus pandemic to extend the transition period.

Holiday companies : I’ve had two holidays fucked up so far and the cunts expect me to accept a credit note when I’m legally entitled to a full refund. And to top it all off, I’m getting bombarded with emails and mail shots trying to get me to book another one.

Testing : Maybe I’m missing something but it takes 3 days to get a result so all the test will tell you it’s if you had it 3 days ago. If you didn’t then you’ve had three da assures to catch so exactly how does this establish if you are safe to return to work?

Isolating on line : So folk like the Beckhans are having a great time isolating on their Cotswold estate. David Geffin is quarantined on his superyatch in the Grenadines. Branson is safe and sound on his private island. The list is endless. Well, good for you. Now shut the fuck up and stop rubbing our noses in it!

I’m sure there’s other stuff – apart from Auto fucking Sergei – pissing me off at the moment too, and I’m sure people reading this will be only to happy to add to the list…

Nominated by Dioclese