This may be a controversial cunting but i think it’s a long-held opinion of mine.

Horror films are cunts. They aren’t scary.
Most are laughable compared to the horror to be found in the real world.

I don’t understand the appeal of them. Slasher films sre populated by idiots you care nothing for. The gore fests ate silly and gratuitous, and you get much worse, real imagery in documentaries about medical procedures and trauma. Creature features are puppets with a bit of ketchup smeared on them or CGI patterns with a bad actor trying to react to them.

Suspense and that lingering chill are usually delivered far more adeptly by the psychological thriller with its slow build and more realistic characters.

Many of the ‘classic’ horror films of yesteryear look daft or are unmemorable. The Exorcist is the best example. Not a bad start, but by the time the pea soup is being shot out it really resembles a b-movie.

Modern horrors all use a very limited repetoire: weird kids, limbs with unnatural joints (dear God), the jump scare (usually no scarier than the flapping pigeons of John Glen’s Bond films), silly ‘diabolical’ screeching and the security cam/found footage gimmick. ‘Oh look it’s an unconvincing CGI spectre/creature/alien. Yes sorry my screams of terror just sound a lot like laughter. it’s really terrifying, honest’.

Return to Oz was more unsettling than most horror films of the past 50 years, and it was made for children.

Horror films. Largely shite.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime.

 
Back when I was young, a traditional christmas present from my parents was the Guinness book of records…….Blue Peter no doubt had a hand in all those extra christmas sales as normally running up to christmas they always ‘subliminally’ promoted the fact the new book had just been released (remember that?)

It was fun looking up which was the fastest car, or the tallest building or heaviest person etc etc.

However, those lines of ‘records’ seemed to be blurred somewhat. We now have a book with so may sub categories to cover all eventualities…..so instead of fastest 100m sprint, we have fasted 100m sprint with a false leg, or blind, of whilst hopping, or ties with your left arm behind your back..and then another entry for your right arm, or whilst easting an ice cream. So many skewed permutations it becomes meaningless. The reason I mention this, is because I cam across this story about Harvey Price and his bucket crotch mum Jordan.

Bbc news

I mean, let’s start with the photo…….his skint and destitute mum has quite obviously had yet another round of cosmetic surgery. Either that, or Harvey has given her a well deserved back hander.

But…it’s this record I take issue with. They are making this shit up as they are going along now. Apparently to break this record the drawing had to be over 20m and of a train. So are there different record holders for drawings of trains over 30m 40m 50m? And would be a different record if it were a steam train and not a diesel electric….is that a seperate category. Or is this a niche category just for people called Harvey who can draw a train. The whole records business is now bollocks.

Next, there will be another category for the longest train drawing whilst using a pencil shoved up ones arse standing on one leg, gay under 30’s.

Records are so extrapolated everyone can have one.

Nominated by Chuff Chugger.

 
is a cunt.

Bbc news

Greetings fellow Cunters! Long time reader, first time poster!

I read this and thought surely this is the cut off point for an ending to UK foreign aid for you, you mighty moon men!

I bloody well hope so when we have homeless people, hungry people and cold people here. I don’t see a reason to seen this arseholes a further penny and indeed may open a government petition to just this effect.

Nominated by ObnoxioMaximus.

 
Have you all heard about the small budget indie film ‘Sound of Freedom’? Made by the tiny Angel Studio, it stars Jim Caviezel as a US government agent who sets out to save some kids from vicious child smugglers in Columbia.

This film is based on the true story of agent Tim Ballard, and attempts to dish the dirt on a filthy trade that nets foul child traffickers tens of billions every year. A truly worthy film swimming against a tide of woke Hollywood dross by the sound of it. What’s not to like?

Well for some reason, the lefty libs in the States are up in arms about it. I understand that Disney (say no more) formerly owned the film, and blocked its release for years. I wonder why? To make matters worse for Disneycunt, ‘Sound of Freedom’ has been kicking the ass of ‘Indy and the Dial of Dysentery’ at the box office. Oh the joy…

The film’s not even out here yet, but naturally our own, our very own lefty comic The Groaniad couldn’t wait to sing the tune of the shit left media across the pond. The nation’s favourite toilet paper reckons that the film’s ‘paranoid’. It’s all part of some fantastical ultra right wing conspiracy, with The Groaniad going out of its way to launch a personal attack the film’s star Caviezel and the production team.

But here’s a thought for The Grauniad. Maybe the reason for the film’s success is just that it tells a darn important story that needs to be told in a way that audiences can relate to, and the punters flocking to see it are telling Hollywood and its media mouthpieces to stick their woke agenda crap up their arses. The wife and I are really looking forward to seeing it, and I hope you’ll all give it a chance too.

As for The Guardian, well it’s just an arsewipe rag made by cunts, for cunts.

Guardian

Youtube

Nominated by Ron Knee.

 
Heat. The new Channel 5 drama which gives Danny Dyer the chance to expand his repertoire of playing Cockerknee geezers.

This time in Australia, appropriately enough for a cunt, down under.
My dearest was watching this pile of dingo droppings so I looked in.

Danny drives many miles into the bush ( behave yourself) on dirt track roads and arrived in big white Nissan 4×4 without a speck of dust or a squashed bug anywhere. Aye, right.
And amazingly every body has good mobile phone signal.
They have this 10 second recording of an Aussie bird, maybe a magpie. And just to remind us that this is not the garden in Albert Square this recording is played every so often.

They head off for a picnic in the bush with Desperate Danny swinging a big esky like a pouftahs man bag. Obviously totally empty. Nobody worries about lethal snakes, spiders or other friendly Aus fauna.
And all the time Danny gives his best mentally torn Mick of Ears Endahs performance.
I could go on. And on.

So I am cunting Chanel No. Five for this malodorous heap of I-am-almost-a-sleb-get-me-a-job shite.

Nominated by Bushman.

I am letting this pass as it seems like your first cunting. However, please include a link with any cunting you offer in future should you want it posting. C.A.