In May this year Tyson Fury was beaten for the first time in his professional career by Oleksandr Usyk, a boxer much smaller and lighter than himself. Now, five months later, as he prepares for their re-match, he tells us that his wife suffered a miscarriage on the eve of their first fight. She didn’t give a reason at the time for not joining him in Saudi Arabia, but he ‘just knew’. Not that he’s using this as an excuse for losing, you understand.

Fury and his wife already have seven children and fittingly, as they’re all special and not ordinary like everyone else’s, they had to be given appropriately special names. Firstly there’s Venezuela aged 13, then Prince John James (11), Prince Tyson II (7), Valencia (5), Prince Adonis Amaziah (4), Athena (2) and lastly Prince Rico.

Of course Fury should be congratulated for his valiant attempts to populate the north west of Lancashire with his super brood, But seeing as his net worth is estimated to be anywhere between £40 million and £180 million, he would go up in my estimation if he could prove that he had never claimed one penny in child benefit from the state.

Sky news

Nominated by Allan.

Of course nobody should drive a car when they are pissed.
That goes without question, but how drunk is drunk?

In the UK the blood alcohol content limit for driving is 0.8.
Fair enough, that works out as a pint and a half.
But if that’s your first ever pint and a half then you would be pissed out of your head.

I remember throwing up and the room spinning round after my first ever can of beer when I was about 10.

The limit here in Spain is much lower at 0.5.

I was stopped by the Guardia about half an hour after having one large beer and was told that I was just on the limit.
They didn’t nick me but told me not to have any more to drink.

Now the Spanish Government are going to further reduce the drink drive limit to 0.2.
A quarter of that in the UK.

A small beer would cost you 6 points off your licence and a 200 euro fine.

Get stopped a few times and your licence is gone.
You would need to retake a driving test after attending an alcohol awareness course.

Effectively this means that not only can you not drink at all before driving a car, but also you would be advised not to drink the day before you are going to drive.
Alcohol takes time to leave your system.

How fucking stupid is the fact that you are over the limit for a drive to an airport, but once you get there you can legally fly a passenger plane?

Don’t imagine that the police are going to make a heap of money out of back-handers by stopping ‘generous’ drivers that are slightly over the new limit.
That doesn’t happen.
Anyone trying to bribe the police here will be locked up.

All that will happen is that almost everyone that gets stopped will be unjustifiably criminalised and the government will make a fortune out of fines.

Not one life will be saved.

Take note if you are coming here on your holidays.

etsc.eu

Nominated by The Artful Cunter

hero or cunt?

In a nutshell, two young men decided to use one of Farmer Neil’s fields as a playground for their electric bike.
When they decided to leave, the gate they entered by had been locked, so they abandoned the bike and returned the following day to retrieve it.

Mr. Greenwood was waiting for them, overpowered and trussed them up, and trundle them down to the local police station on his quad bike.

Now, I don’t know if the field contained pregnant/young beasts that may have panicked and got injured, or winter crops, or just winter pasture, but I do know that the bikers were trespassing and would have left the field looking like it had been ploughed by a drunkard.

So what happened when Mr. Greenwood got to the police station?
Yes, that’s right. He was arrested under suspicion of false imprisonment!

I know what I’d have done with them, and it wouldn’t have been taking them to the police station, but might have involved the hay baler.

telegraph

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.

is a cunt.

Such a lovely man, Wes has announced that he has a cunning plan to ‘ Save the NHS’. One idea is the building of new neighborhood health centres. These will be sited closer to peoples homes than their nearest hospital, where people will be able to see GPS, district nurses, care workers and other medical professionals under one roof.
Fifteen minute city, anyone?
Scary that Wes has a 10 year plan, implying that he’s expecting Labour to be in charge that long.

Anyway, Wes decided to consult the public and arranged for a suggestions portal to be set up.
It was immediately inundated with the kind of suggestions I’d expect to see on, well here, actually.

One person suggested a kidney donation in return for asylum, whilst another that, as hospitals have incinerators, they could offer cut price cremations.

Needless to say a team of moderators have been busy editing the site, but do have a glance at the link for a few more suggestions. I particularly liked the Dalek one.

lbc.co.uk

lbc.co.uk 2

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.

Imagine if you earnt your living at the expense of Africans?
Subjecting them to a life of servitude and enforced labour?

Yes, bet it was brilliant!! 👍

Those days of earning a honest living on the high seas is sadly a thing of the past.

But it’s not forgotten about!!
Oh no.

The commonwealth far from being grateful for a free cruise and job offer are demanding billions in reparations.

Gambia foreign minister Marmaduke Tangerine* says

” I am fully in support of reparatory justice “.
As she flicked through Janet Frazer catalogue.

Also Joshua septicemia said he’d like free money too.

Will our weak government capitulate?

telegraph

* Or summat.

Nominated by MNC seconded by Geordie Twatt.

I would like to second MNC’s nomination.

Well thankfully Sir Kweer has told the Commonwealth Comedy Club to sod off with their claim for 18 trillion smackers. Presumably he left his pet primate in its cage, as we know that Clammy the Chimp is all in favour of swelling the Swiss bank accounts of banana republic dictators. After all, being black they are, like him, all victims of white oppression.

But here’s a chap who rather spoils the narrative. I give you Bola Tinubu, President of Nigeria, who attended the Samoan jolly. Bola is descended from one Efunroye Tinubu, aristocrat, merchant and slave trader, a lady reported to have said she would rather drown 20 slaves than sell them at a discount.

Britannica

To be fair to Bola, he confines himself to drug trafficking, money laundering and general corruption to enrich himself, so I suppose in African terms that’s progress.

I have no doubt a little bit of genealogical research would unearth other examples of slave owning/trading ancestry amongst the Commonwealth’s African delegates. Who knows, maybe even amongst Marmaduke Tangerine’s* Gambians, seeing as that country was a major source of slave labour back in the day.

200 years after we ended the slave trade and they’re still rattling the collecting tin. Have they got no shame?

* Copyright MNC