SIMON CALDER:

An Around-The-World-In-80-Days, No-spitting-on-the-upper-deck,leave-the-lavatory-as-you-would-wish-to-find-it-lift-the-seat and don’t-use-it-when-standing-at-the-station cunting please, for The “Independent” (sic) Newspaper’s Travel correpondent, and one of Wireless 4’s most favoured sons, teh prissy, purse-lipped-four eyedold woman. There is old Auntie Calder on the midday news, there he is again on You & Yours, yet again on Money Box and any time day or night when the talk turns, however vaguely, to travel (and who is travelling at the moment, apart from rubber boat fetishists?), on news programmes – you name it, there is the fey Mr C. holding forth.

Surely it is time that Calder, or the BBC itself, started training up an apprentice for when dear old Simon trades in his travel pass for his golden slippers.

Why does the BBC think only Calder is qualified to comment on travel matters and more importantly, why is Calder so vainglorious or greedy enough, to think he can take all the gigs?.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

UK Gun Law Dissenters

Along with the disingenuous art of Trump bashing, British liberals seem infatuated with America’s attitude to guns. Why? Unless you are travelling to Florida for a tacky holiday, US gun related murder rates don’t affect us?

This ingrained desire to proffer unsolicited opinion and social commentary must harp back to when our Empire equated to a quarter of the globe.

If we examine homicide in general, the United States, globally speaking, isn’t that bad. Although I concede, that Mexico experiences firearms ingress via the border due to less rigorous rules in the USA and stricter rules in Mexico. We must also concede that I don’t give a shit about Mexico either!

The worst country in the world for homicide rates is El Salvador. Followed by Jamaica and Venezuela. The US doesn’t appear in the top ten, twenty or even top fifty. Russia, Nigeria and even fucking Greenland are higher up the rankings of United Nations list (UNODC). Greenland? Stewed Whales’ bollocks can raise anger levels for sure.

USA ranked eighty ninth.

“But …but…they have the 2nd amendment, the ‘right to bear arms’ which was written at a time of muskets not like guns nowadays”. Would I be comfortable with some drunken, redneck neighbour, sobbing in his yard with an M15 assault rifle, after his wife has run off with his best mate? No! Then again, I don’t live in the States and therefore, don’t give a shit!
United Kingdom is 175th in the table. Great stuff. Well done everyone!

Perhaps liberal ‘do gooders’ in our relatively safe country could start thinking and commentating on subjects closer to home. Inner city knife crime, county lines drugs gangs, future of dementia care for the elderly. Issues that we should give a shit about.

Personally, I am more concerned with the Seychelles, ranked 32nd and have started a funding page to enable me to undertake a two month, ‘boots on the ground’ forensic review, as to reasons why this archipelago of islands in the Indian Ocean ranks so high. CUNTS!

Nominated by Daz

Warm weather and chavs. A cuntish combination.

Went out up the road for a box of eggs for the old lady yesterday. An admittedly glorious day weather wise. However, as I was walking back from the local Co-Op, a smear of quintessential Great British riff raff were blocking the entire pavement. Totally disregarding the distancing rules, there were about five women: all ugly fucks in Primark sun tops with lobster tans (think Viz’s Fat Slags). They were all gossiping and I couldn’t even walk on the grass verge next to the pavement, as some fat bloke was sat in the middle of it talking very loudly to the fat slags. The middle of a street in a suburban area during a medical lockdown, and they were acting like they were on an outing to Blackpool. I crossed the road and called them out for what they are. Which is living breathing shit and utter vermin. ‘It’s a free country’ shouted the fat cunt on the grass. ‘Aye. And it will also be dead one because of cunts like you!’ was my reply.

Nominated by Norman

Dying to go to the beach? Well, judging by the cunts out and about on the British coastline yesterday, lots of people are. A bit of sun and what little brains the great British people have left is parked safely at home while we swan off to the coast for a Coronavirus cocktail and a Covid and chips.

10 long weeks we’ve been in lockdown (Kinnock and Cummings notwithstanding) and what was it all for? So that when there is a glimpse of sunlight we can pack ourselves on the beach and fuck social distancing. It’s an insult to all us old people who, as far as I can see, seem to be the one that stick to the rules so that we can avoid …er… dying.

What a bunch of twats. Sit back now and what the infection rate soar. and then just as hit starts to peak again, let’s open up all the shops.

Proof positive, if any were needed, that this country is being run by and is populated by idiots. You can’t educate pork and you can’t herd cats…

Nominated by Dioclese

Prince Andrew
Honestly, what a card that ‘Air Miles’ Andy is, a proper, honest-to-goodness duckin’ an’ divin’ diamond geezer, ain’t he though.
He’s not content with remaining embroiled in the sleazy Epstein affair, with the Feds breathing down his sweaty neck. Oh dear me, no. He’s only gone and gotten more lawyers on his case now, and he’s got his chancing sidekick Fat Fergie in tow on this one.
According to meeja reports, the Dodgy Duo is being sued for £6.7 mill. with regard to an unpaid bill that’s months overdue on a 7 bedroom luxury chalet in Verbier. My, how the other half live. The original owner, who retains a share in the pad, is said to ‘have run out of patience’, and started court proceedings to get Randy and his bird to cough up what they owe him. It now seems that they’ll be ‘reluctantly forced to sell’ to meet the debt obligation, as their ‘income streams have dried up’ in the wake of the Epstein scandal.
Well it looks like another p.r. car crash for good ol’ Andy. Perhaps he just forgot about it; after all, £6.7 mill. is a mere bagatelle, and the poor boy’s had a lot on his plate of late. By his own admission, he’s ‘too honourable’ for it to be anything else.
I find it appropriate to be writing these words having just observed the VE Day two minute silence in honour of the gallantry of that generation all those years ago. I’m sure that they’d be proud to observe that their spirit of sacrifice in the service of the nation lives on in our very own selfless Prince of the Realm. What an example he’s set us all for so long with his tireless devotion to duty.
I’m sure that his dear old Mam (Gawd bless ‘er) is equally proud. Erm, well, perhaps not THAT proud if truth be told. I suppose that at the end of the day, a mother has to love her child, but speaking for myself, I find it hard to feel anything but profound contempt for this selfish, charmless waster. If this oafish tosspot was my son, I’d have spent the last half century regretting the fact that I didn’t pull out sooner on the fateful night.

Nominated by Ron Knee

Capitalism again. Firstly I better say that I would of course like to see a ‘scaling up’ of any vaccine for this Coronavirus. Scaled up for the whole world.

You often hear it on ‘Dragon’s Den’ or ‘The Apprentice’-‘But can it be scaled up?’ Or ‘I have contacts that can scale this up’. I remember once one of the ‘Dragons’ getting 50% of someone’s company with the promise of being able to ‘scale it up’. This is the problem with our modern day Capitalism. What we need to is SCALE THINGS DOWN. Or keep things to scale. Keep things in balance.

To make my point again I have a very apt example. I was watching ‘Can’t Pay, Won’t Pay’ the debt recovery programme. They turned up at his house in the morning-rather comical his efforts to hide but they got in in the end (though he still desperately held out for a while). Asked what the problem was? Globes. A new globe digitised or something. It looked good. I might have bought one. It was his own idea.

Anyway, he had sunk everything into this and initially it had taken off. He was advised to ‘scale it up’. Then there was some problem…can’t remember but the orders dried up. Now he was on the verge of losing his house..Then he showed the ‘enforcers’ the cellar, the bedrooms, the garage and there they all were globes globes globes.

See that is the problem. The impulse or the encouragement (so hard to define properly) from a Capitalistic mindset to produce as much as possible, to ‘cash in’. This is my opportunity for Global domination (in globes). I have got to take my chance, I have got to risk it. I have produce globes for the whole Globe.

That is the modern mindset encouraged by Capitalism.

Now if we lived in a calmer more normal world he could have produced these globes and offered them to friends and family and if they were popular maybe sell them out of a shop in the locality. That would be normal, that would have given him ease of mind.
The image of Charlie Chaplin comes to mind -bouncing the globe from off his fingertips.

Nominated by Miles Plastic